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Dealing with a broken heart
Sebbie
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm spoilering some of the details of the actual breakup because they might/might-not be related to the advice I'm looking for. I also apologize for the length but I feel that typing all of this out will help me a bit.
I have been devasted every since. Since the initial break up I lost of ton of weight (I don't know the actual number but I can now slip my pants off without undoing the buttons/zipper) since I couldn't eat and the only way to take away some of the pain was through working out. I have read previous breakup threads so my initial idea was to cut her out of my life completely so I gathered all her things and put them in a box until I can go bring them to her. I'm lucky because she doesn't have a facebook account or other things where I can check up on her. Though one thing that most of the breakup threads I can remember dealt with very nasty breakups and not "clean" ones.
The thing is, she didn't cheat on me, she didn't leave me high and dry, she obviously still loves me quite a bit, so I have no negative feelings to latch on to. I can't be all "fuck that bitch she cheated" or anything of the sort. The breakup was exceptionally clean. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. I do know however that I still want to be with her (something I'll obviously have to get over).
The thing is after 4.5 years I don't want to just cut her out. She has been my best friend as well as my lover. We'd confide about everything even in the days leading to the final break up. The few days after the big day I couldn't stand myself. I broke my rule of no contact and called her up for coffee at a Starbucks. I learned then that she hadn't eaten since and had been skipping most of her classes. This was a huge reliever for me (sick I know) because I saw that I hadn't been just abandonned, she obviously still cares quite a bit. Through the meeting I realized that things were definitely over but that there was hope that in a long-term timeline our paths could cross again after she'd have experienced more (we started dating when I was 19 and her 16). I'm not dwelling on it too much though.
Anyways I'm coming to you guys for advice. How can I help lower the pain? Last night was the worst because my chest was killing me over the stress. I had no clue emotional pain could translate to such a real physical one. I have been trying to keep busy but this isn't always possible.
Also, how can I stay friends with her and still get over her. She is my best friend and I want it to stay that way but I also want to be able to move on and meet other women. I'm afraid that just ignoring her for months will just damage said friendship. A bunch of my friends talk about "time" but they have never been in a similar relationship (most of theirs lasting only a few months) so what kind of timeline can I expect to not feel like I have to puke all the time? Are there any tips on how to feel less jealous (I have never been the jealous type until now, I feel horrible about it FYI) about the fact that she is obviously going to meet/date/have sex other guys? Any tips in general?
My girlfriend and I were together for four years and a half. We've had great times and I can't say that we ever had a real fight. I had my highs and lows during the relationship but I had come to realize that she was the girl I wanted to be with.
On january 3 she called me up to her room and I saw that she had been crying for quite some time. I figured it had something to do with school because it would always stress her out and she hadn't been able to get enrolled in the same class section as her friends for the upcoming semester. Then she uttered the most terrifying thing: "I wish you weren't such a nice guy." This was followed by quite a bit of sobbing and then: "I don't think this is going to work out."
This was a huge slap in the face. She had failed to tell me anything was wrong with the relationship and just a few weeks prior when I asked her if she was happy with us and if she was still in love me she outright lied about it. After six hours of being broken up we met up again and decided we'd give ourselves a few weeks to try and work on things since most of the reasons were assumptions she had made about me and/or details about us that were totally changeable without having to change who we are and/or our personality.
Anyways a month went by and on Thursday we called it quits. I stayed with her for a while to comfort her until she stopped crying, convincing her that things would be okay and went home afterwards to grieve on my own.
On january 3 she called me up to her room and I saw that she had been crying for quite some time. I figured it had something to do with school because it would always stress her out and she hadn't been able to get enrolled in the same class section as her friends for the upcoming semester. Then she uttered the most terrifying thing: "I wish you weren't such a nice guy." This was followed by quite a bit of sobbing and then: "I don't think this is going to work out."
This was a huge slap in the face. She had failed to tell me anything was wrong with the relationship and just a few weeks prior when I asked her if she was happy with us and if she was still in love me she outright lied about it. After six hours of being broken up we met up again and decided we'd give ourselves a few weeks to try and work on things since most of the reasons were assumptions she had made about me and/or details about us that were totally changeable without having to change who we are and/or our personality.
Anyways a month went by and on Thursday we called it quits. I stayed with her for a while to comfort her until she stopped crying, convincing her that things would be okay and went home afterwards to grieve on my own.
I have been devasted every since. Since the initial break up I lost of ton of weight (I don't know the actual number but I can now slip my pants off without undoing the buttons/zipper) since I couldn't eat and the only way to take away some of the pain was through working out. I have read previous breakup threads so my initial idea was to cut her out of my life completely so I gathered all her things and put them in a box until I can go bring them to her. I'm lucky because she doesn't have a facebook account or other things where I can check up on her. Though one thing that most of the breakup threads I can remember dealt with very nasty breakups and not "clean" ones.
Weirdly enough it was all the small things that hurt the most. Her dress in my closet didn't bother me, nor did her picture on my dresser... but her lipchap and the oreo crumbs she left next to my bed were heart wrenchers.
The thing is, she didn't cheat on me, she didn't leave me high and dry, she obviously still loves me quite a bit, so I have no negative feelings to latch on to. I can't be all "fuck that bitch she cheated" or anything of the sort. The breakup was exceptionally clean. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. I do know however that I still want to be with her (something I'll obviously have to get over).
The thing is after 4.5 years I don't want to just cut her out. She has been my best friend as well as my lover. We'd confide about everything even in the days leading to the final break up. The few days after the big day I couldn't stand myself. I broke my rule of no contact and called her up for coffee at a Starbucks. I learned then that she hadn't eaten since and had been skipping most of her classes. This was a huge reliever for me (sick I know) because I saw that I hadn't been just abandonned, she obviously still cares quite a bit. Through the meeting I realized that things were definitely over but that there was hope that in a long-term timeline our paths could cross again after she'd have experienced more (we started dating when I was 19 and her 16). I'm not dwelling on it too much though.
Anyways I'm coming to you guys for advice. How can I help lower the pain? Last night was the worst because my chest was killing me over the stress. I had no clue emotional pain could translate to such a real physical one. I have been trying to keep busy but this isn't always possible.
Also, how can I stay friends with her and still get over her. She is my best friend and I want it to stay that way but I also want to be able to move on and meet other women. I'm afraid that just ignoring her for months will just damage said friendship. A bunch of my friends talk about "time" but they have never been in a similar relationship (most of theirs lasting only a few months) so what kind of timeline can I expect to not feel like I have to puke all the time? Are there any tips on how to feel less jealous (I have never been the jealous type until now, I feel horrible about it FYI) about the fact that she is obviously going to meet/date/have sex other guys? Any tips in general?
"It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating."
Sebbie on
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As for being jealous, it's just something you're going to have to deal with and accept. Its is awful, but it's another thing which'll go away in time, as you disassociate this girl from your previous feelings.
As for being friends, you might have to talk to her about this, and let her know that you can't be seeing her all the time, because it hurts and reminds you of what you had, but you'll be able to be her friend again in a while. I know that isn't really what you want to hear, but in all likelihood it's for the best (once again, things are different for different people, but in most cases this is, by a large margin, the best option)
Good luck man, and don't kill yourself with stress. Hang out with your friends as much as possible, keep yourself busy, and for the love of god REMEMBER TO EAT
While it will definitely be a terrible decision to make for you, my best advice, as a divorced man who lived with his wife for a total of 7 years and was married for 4, is that you isolate yourself from her. If you stay around her you may never move on.
As far as what to do in the meantime, just keep busy. Take a class or two. Go out with your friends. Don't drink too much or use drugs in excess. Meet new and interesting people, even women. But, don't start seriously dating anyone until you feel like you're ready.
By the way, my wife and I were best friends as well. And we had a clean break. I wanted to stay married but she just wanted different things. We tried the "stay friends" thing and it was a terrible experience for me. Only after I made the decision to move 30 miles away and cut off most of the contact was I able to move on. It took me 2 years before I went on a second date with a woman, and about a year of that was because I had this glimmer of hope because we were still trying to be friends. I wouldn't call that year wasted, but it certainly was the worst year of my life.
Any tips on how to relieve some of the stress? I mean it's not like I'm trying to just keep it in but the physical pain still gets to me. Honestly meeting up with her for coffee was the only time where I felt stress free. I know it sounds stupid and I can't just go hang out with her when I'm feeling stressed out but yeah...
I figure I should just "man up" and ignore her but I don't know if I'll be able to. I'm going to have to take this at heart and "digest" it if you will, this kind of decision isn't something I want to take too lightly.
As others have stated, being friends is certainly a possibility, but I really wouldn't advise focusing on that until you are 100 percent certain you are over her, and that, especially after four and a half years, will take a LOT of time. Go out, be social with others and focus your attention on school or work or hobbies or anything else. Don't spend a lot of time at home if you can avoid it; time at home alone is time to dwell, and that's bad mojo right now. Be sure to eat, continue to work out, stay healthy and stay active, those are your best bets. Good luck to you.
Yeah the alone time is by far the worst. That's usually when I'll break down. I've been trying to stay busy with friends but seeing how I live in a rural area while all my friends moved to the city it makes things a little bit more difficult. I've been going out to eat a lot and I'm trying to focus on a project I'm working on with a friend (but motivation has been very scarce these days). Work is also really bad because I tend to get bored and my mind wanders. I actually made an X-Wing out of origami (I've never done any origami before) but that only lasted about half an hour. Thanks for the support guys.
*sorry I don't mean this as a passive-aggressive swipe but just that while she was going through her "getting-over-it-phase" I was clueless and didn't get the same prep time. I know she just didn't turn off a switch.
Having someone that close nearby makes it too easy to dwell on what isn't there, and that makes it harder to build a new life. It's not impossible, but its harder. It's gonna be a while; if you think of it in terms of loss and grieving, 3 months is just a start- enough time to maybe not think about so much, but still feel pretty bad about it. At six, things get easier, your own life begins to take shape, maybe you'll date, maybe not, and at nine months most of what you feel now will be dimmed down. Not forgotten by a long shot, but dull enough to tuck it away when you have to.
Thats just a loose guideline of course, everybody's different, some longer or shorter, but it's realistic. I wouldn't try to be friends until long after that point. The thing to keep in mind is, staying in touch for a lost flame is a losing game. If you don't grow and evolve on your own, you'll stay more or less the same as you are, developing whatever habits brought you to where you are now- even if you get back together, the same forces that pulled you apart in the first place are still present. It takes time apart to change that, and with those changes comes the distinct possibility that you'll drift away and not see each other again.
My advice would be to take that chance. As it happens, the world is a very small place. People naturally travel in circles over time, and end up meeting and remeeting parts of thier past over and over again. Eventually, if you and this girl really are travelling in the same direction in life, the kind of progressive similarties which allow for an ongoing future, you'll meet up again. Having grown and matured as a person, having established your own life, your own direction, you'll be able to progress in a new kind of relationship. Maybe as freinds, maybe as aquantances with history- who knows.
That opportunity, that positive outcome is only availble if you let go now, on good terms and for good reasons. You don't have to say goodbye, just seeya later- but later needs to mean Later, and not right away.
Rough ride man, here's to ya.
I'll have to figure out how to actually do this. I don't want to hurt her feelings especially after telling her, just a few days ago, that I needed to be her friend. I know she'll understand and would stick to the boundaries I make but now I feel like a huge taker-backer.
But until you accept that you may or may not have a friendship later on, you aren't having a clean break, you'll always just be waiting. As you've said, you guys haven't had a huge fight and haven't burned any bridges.
You both need to go your separate ways. You can use all these excuses like "but if I don't talk to her for months we won't be able to be friends again!". But its bullshit. Friendships are not based on being inseparable and knowing everything that goes on in that persons life.
You can catch up 12 months from now and fill in the little details in an hour, friendship is not about hovering over someone and always knowing what they are doing.
Right now you posted that this break up was clean, honestly, it's not going to be clean for long. You're already wavering.
I'll mull over what I'd like to say and meet her for one last time because I think I'd feel more comfortable doing it face to face.
But I will tell you, when I lost what I thought was the love of my life I didn't just feel heart broken, I felt panicked, like I couldn't breathe, like the world was crashing in on me.
A year later I met my wife, whom I love more then anything. We have been married two years this March, we have a 7month old son who is adorable, and I wouldn't trade anything in the world for them both.
It if wasn't for losing the "love of my life", I would have never met my soul mate.
What finally helped break me out of it was, oddly enough, breaking my wrist. I had just started hanging out with a couple of guys from another hall who I only vaguely knew, as they were in the class below me. The second or third night I was there, they were playing a ridiculously unsafe game in hall and managed to convince me to join them. I did and immediately broke my wrist. Within 12 hours I went from barely being able to remember their names to being one of the guys, and I pretty much lived in their hall when I wasn't sleeping or doing homework, and most of them are very close friends now.
So basically, try and find a new social circle. By all means, don't abandon your old friends, they know you, and will be a valuable support network, but new faces will help you get away from bad memories. Do the things you like to do, but find new people who like to do them. Get to know them. It'll help occupy your mind and give you the distance and time you need to come to grips with this.
You know...I understand where you're coming from and why you want to talk to her about this...but as a guy who did this exact same thing...this has a high potential to blow up in your face. (It certainly did in mine.) It sounds cheeseball but you almost have to ask yourself what tv coolguy The Fonze would do in this situation, and he certainly wouldn't want to have a last heart to heart. He'd be out chasing some other tail or what have you, perhaps jumping some sharks...I don't know.
Regardless the belated point I'm trying to make is that you have to let her go. And by doing that it means wholly and completely moving on. Sports, clubs, friends who get you into trouble, these are all great things to help with that. By only dating one girl since you were 19 and she was 16, you have some time you can catch up on as a single dude. And if you're really struggling with loneliness and you have the ability, seriously think about getting a dog, best stress reliever there is.
I'm actually trying to look forward to dating again. I mean since I was pretty young when we started dating and we were each other's firsts I always had that lingering feeling of "she's the only one I'd ever be with". It was never a huge doubt and I certainly could have lived with it but now I know that I'll get rid of that thought with the people I'll eventually meet. Obviously the whole dating thing is intimidating and my self-esteem has taken a huge hit but you know... I'm trying to look forward to it :P
So what I'm trying to say, is that it's much easier to be friends when you start over. Not when you just switch to being friends. Take this time to rediscover yourself. 4.5 years is a long time to be with someone at this age, and you probably don't quite remember who you are outside of a relationship anymore. Once you rediscover yourself, you can bring that back to the table, and build a friendship. Who knows, maybe more?
This is where a good group of friends comes in, they will help you get through it. You've already made it farther than a lot of couples I've seen, I was friends with one who were together years after it became obvious to both of them they didn't really like each other, but convenience and fear are strong feelings to overcome and it's hard to let go of what you know and venture off into the abyss.
I won't blow sunshine up your ass and tell you dating is easy, but the beauty of it is you don't have to invest much into dating and if you have the right attitude it can be a lot of fun. I will say this much though, if you do manage to break contact and quit talking to her, at least from what I read in the spoiler, it seems pretty likely she's going to try and contact you later on, I cannot stress enough that whatever she says, don't go over and hang out with her, it will do nothing but put you on a terrible emotional roller coaster.
We should just... have a thread with all of the Qs asked that Sarcastro has answered in the LAnd of Love.
Seriously, this is some good advice. Friends with history - that's not a bad place to be. And it's oddly liberating (if you come to that point eventually) to be spending time with a woman and realize there is absolutely no, zilch, zero interest on the part of either party to be with the other.
My personal advice is find something creative to take up as a hobby. For me it turned out to be the guitar. I still spend alot of time at home (I am just exhausted after a day at work in the construction industry) and it's been good for me to get outside of the house - mentally if not physically. If work's looking for people to cover shifts, strongly consider it.
Basically think of all the things you could have been doing while you were in your relationship. Now do them! It's a long list for everyone - relationships are in themselves things to do (as Sarcastro's posts in the D&D Sex thread is ample evidence of!) Time consuming things to do, at that. How likely would have been to take an hour away from your ex to do (activity you always wanted to do)? The answer for me was not very. I suspect it's the same for most people.
ninja edit
I got more piano practice done that semester than pretty much any other time. It was nice to be alone and make music. Or something like music. I'm not that great a pianist.
A lot of very good advice guys.
edit: I also inherited my grandfather's pool cue (freakin' awesome memento) so I was thinking about picking up pool. I figure it would be a great way to meet new people too.
I'd say the first thing you should do is clean your place and get rid of / give back anything that was hers. This will get rid of the dresses, the pictures, the cookie crumbs, and her smell (always the hardest for me). Then you just have to go on living your life. It doesn't get easy, it'll always hurt. Get into a new rhythm of life as fast as possible, so that the spaces she used to fill are at least occupied by something else. That worked for me.
I'd say be careful jumping into dating new people until you feel like you're really ready. It would suck to meet someone great and then have it messed up because you weren't over the previous relationship.
Good luck man
I've been married for over three years, and I love my wife and family like crazy.
But I will still smell or see something that brings back a memory of certain people I knew before my wife and spend a couple hours very...introspective about my life.
Good luck, this sucks but it is sort of part of the human condition.
Yeah I've pretty much boxed up everything and removed her pictures and all that jazz. I just need to bring it back to her. I'm lucky that her smell hasn't lingered since I had cleaned up the place shortly before the breakup, I hope I don't get a whiff of her fabric softener... that's the biggest smell I associate with her. I don't use the stuff so I should be fine.
I'm not going to date for a while. I just commented that I can't wait to want to date. If I'd do anything now I'd just end up hurting the women I'd meet which is something I'm scared of. Nothing worst than lubing up a hot lady with warm tears. :winky:
edit: Honestly this thread has helped quite a bit. I'm heartbroken but seeing all the different advice from people who have gone through the same is helping me deal with it.
My advice (and I'm sure everyone's had their own particular way of getting through this) is to stay sad for a while. Mope, cry, tell yourself how much you hate yourself and life. Because you deserve it, and this kind of shit really does suck and sometimes life sucks and you're probably not going to be happy any time soon anyways. So just allocate the next few weeks or months to being miserable. It'll be like a marathon, where each day sucks and you just have to keep going. During this time period, make sure you are surrounded by friends 24/7! Don't ever be alone. Watch out for specific dates and anniversaries and reminders that might set you off, and surround yourself with even more friends on those days. If some of them have gone through this, I'm sure they'll understand. Use this time to mope and get some distance. I know cliches are painful to hear, but time really does heal all wounds. Even this one. But it takes time, so just do your best to hang in there. I feel for you, man, this shit really sucks.
And then once you're tired of feeling sad (which took me months), then you can start to pick yourself up and get your mind off her. Make it a game, where you want to go five hours without getting sad about her, then a whole day, then a whole week. Go to the gym, buy new clothes, try and look attractive. But that's in the future. Right now just surround yourself with friends and try and get a couple weeks under your belt.
The only thing that really derails me on the way to getting back to myself, are bad dreams where everything happens over again. Reliving certain events really isn't a good thing.
I also like what Sarcastro said. Being around friends is also a very good idea, and when you feel up to it, try meeting new people a little. I got rid of one circle of friends two years ago (due to them being worthless), and have entirely new people I hang out with; they are infinitely better as people and as friends.
I've been calling up old friends to go shoot some pool. It's hard to find new people considering I live in a rural area where most people my age have moved to the city. It's funny how I thought the people who'd support me the most aren't and others are coming out and really shinning. Hell my best friend, a guy who I have hung out with every other day since the 4th grade, is MIA. Hell we made plans twice this week and he bailed out both times.
Good luck, man.
Fact 1: You are not together anymore for reasons you have discussed with her.
Fact 2: See number 1.
That's all you really need to know for now. Keep your distance away from her to avoid thinking of mixed signals or whatever you make up since you are depressed.
Oh and workout a lot!