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At wits end! (guy thread) UPDATE!!
Jack of all Trades
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey everybody. I hate coming here for advice on what to do, but right now I feel like it's incredibly necessary.
All my boyfriend ever does is nag anymore. I don't know what to do. It is CONSTANT, and I'm getting overwhelmed.
For example, yesterday he came home from work, and noticed that I accidentally left my keys in the door knob. He took them out and threw them on the floor and started yelling at me about that. Then he went into this huge tirade about how I never remember anything.
I'm a forgetful person. I am, and everybody knows this, but my boyfriend can't seem to accept this. At all. He thinks me forgetting ONE thing is fucking awful and I shouldn't do it.
When he came home, I started making a tuna melt for him so he wouldn't have to do it. He comes home and bitches why it isn't already in the oven cause he's starving. He doesn't even appreciate that I'M making him his DINNER.
Then he went on about me not getting the times for Watchmen at IMAX and how he is supposed to pay for them when he doesn't know the time we're going (Mind you, that doesn't come out for like another 3 WEEKS). And I told him that I didn't know he wanted the times yet, and then he yelled at me because I should know that he wanted them as soon as possible and that I should remember to do that.
Those are just a couple of examples. I also get constantly reminded about how my room is always messy and how I never fix it. I just recently cleaned it and it's still clean, and I remind him of this and he says "it took HOW LONG? plus, it's only been a week. lets see how long that lasts"
I feel like he's being more of a fucking father than a boyfriend. Mind you, when he isn't bitching about something, he's a gentleman and very sweet. I just don't know how to handle the bitching. I'm an incredibly laid back girl, and I don't complain about anything (besides work) to him, yet he bombards me with everything that I've done wrong.
I don't even think he's said a positive thing to me in months. He never compliments me anymore, and never says "good job" or anything when i've done something right.
I love him to death, and I don't want to leave him because of his nagging, but I'm getting so overwhelmed.
I try to remember things to do around the house and i've even bought post its to remind my self of things, but every time I think i've had a flawless day, and that i've done everything right, he comes home and bitches about SOMETHING. He doesn't even see that I'm trying to remember to do shit.
Basically, I'm asking how I can deal with his nagging, and how I can improve my memory so I don't forget everything. I'm tired of getting nagged and bitched at all the fucking time. I don't want to break up with him, because besides this, he's an awesome dood.
All my boyfriend ever does is nag anymore. I don't know what to do. It is CONSTANT, and I'm getting overwhelmed.
For example, yesterday he came home from work, and noticed that I accidentally left my keys in the door knob. He took them out and threw them on the floor and started yelling at me about that. Then he went into this huge tirade about how I never remember anything.
I'm a forgetful person. I am, and everybody knows this, but my boyfriend can't seem to accept this. At all. He thinks me forgetting ONE thing is fucking awful and I shouldn't do it.
When he came home, I started making a tuna melt for him so he wouldn't have to do it. He comes home and bitches why it isn't already in the oven cause he's starving. He doesn't even appreciate that I'M making him his DINNER.
Then he went on about me not getting the times for Watchmen at IMAX and how he is supposed to pay for them when he doesn't know the time we're going (Mind you, that doesn't come out for like another 3 WEEKS). And I told him that I didn't know he wanted the times yet, and then he yelled at me because I should know that he wanted them as soon as possible and that I should remember to do that.
Those are just a couple of examples. I also get constantly reminded about how my room is always messy and how I never fix it. I just recently cleaned it and it's still clean, and I remind him of this and he says "it took HOW LONG? plus, it's only been a week. lets see how long that lasts"
I feel like he's being more of a fucking father than a boyfriend. Mind you, when he isn't bitching about something, he's a gentleman and very sweet. I just don't know how to handle the bitching. I'm an incredibly laid back girl, and I don't complain about anything (besides work) to him, yet he bombards me with everything that I've done wrong.
I don't even think he's said a positive thing to me in months. He never compliments me anymore, and never says "good job" or anything when i've done something right.
I love him to death, and I don't want to leave him because of his nagging, but I'm getting so overwhelmed.
I try to remember things to do around the house and i've even bought post its to remind my self of things, but every time I think i've had a flawless day, and that i've done everything right, he comes home and bitches about SOMETHING. He doesn't even see that I'm trying to remember to do shit.
Basically, I'm asking how I can deal with his nagging, and how I can improve my memory so I don't forget everything. I'm tired of getting nagged and bitched at all the fucking time. I don't want to break up with him, because besides this, he's an awesome dood.
Jack of all Trades on
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I obviously dont know your boyfriend, but no one should have to live with that. Has he ever admitted/talked about/done anything about a possible anger management problem?
It really doesn't sound like it, from the description of the way he's been treating you. It seems more like he's unappreciative and taking advantage of your desire to please.
Edit: I've sat down with him and tried to talk about it. He just said that if I remembered to do stuff, we wouldn't have this problem. But it's going to continue to go on, because I've forget something sooner or later and WOO BIG LOOP AGAIN BECAUSE I'M HUMAN. Ad when I bring THAT up, he'll say something like "well, so much for writing things down like you said you would..or did you forget that too"
I'm a very optimistic person, and I always do things to help him out before my self (plus I go to school full time, and work the weekends), and I feel like I'm not being appreciated.
I feel like every couple of months he gets his "man-period" and bitches.
1. Is this a completely new behavior? Or did he nag you before, but to a lesser degree? Or is it the nature of the nagging that's changed--is he nagging the same general amount, but increasing the intensity?
2. How constant is the nagging? You initially say it's "CONSTANT" but later say "Mind you, when he isn't bitching about something, he's a gentleman and very sweet." Which makes the nature of the situation a little bit more unclear.
Ultimately, I can tell you what direction this thread is going to go in. People are going to come to a general concensus that "you should talk to him about how you feel, and give him some time to adjust his behavior, and if he doesn't and continues to make you unhappy, you should dump him." Someone is going to play devil's advocate at the same time and say "you know, if this is a new behavior, it might not even be about you, maybe he's stressed out about something else in his life that you two should talk about." It's all going to be good general advice, but I think we can probably help you more if you take a little more time to clarify what's going on and expand a little bit on how it's making you feel--you'll be better prepared to talk about it with him if you do.
No one deserves to be talked to in that manner, and saying "he's an awesome dude otherwise" really doesn't work because, well, no, he isn't. An awesome dude doesn't take for granted that someone is making a meal for him. An awesome dude doesn't demand that you "clean up your room". An awesome dude doesn't make expectations of you and start insulting you (either passive-agressively or otherwise) when you don't meet them. I'm sure he's got his nice qualities and I'm not saying he's a piece of garbage, but he's clearly a long way from awesome.
I would advise that you take some time to gather your thoughts on this issue and then ask yourself this question: do I respect myself? Do I respect myself enough to remain in this relationship when respect isn't being given to me? You need to respect yourself enough to be ready to walk out the door if he A) doesn't show any interest in changing and being more respectful to you or
you need to be willing to leave. Regardless of anything else posted, you need to realize there are certain ways people should expect to be treated, and what you describe is not on the list. Being nice half the time is not an excuse for being an emotional wrecking ball the other half.
2. Lately it's been constant (lately being like...the past week or so. It's really on and off through out the months, because 2 weeks ago he was incredibly sweet). Usually it's the days when he works from 5:30 am to 9:00 PM.
With that, I understand that it's also work that's adding to his stress and behavior. Possibly taking it out on me because he doesn't really know how to handle it himself (he's a sheetmetal worker, so things are stressful and hard). So, that's why I don't want to break up with him. Plus, it only lasts for a little bit when he comes home, maybe like an hour or 2, and then when we go to bed he gets all snuggly and nice. (maybe because he's finaly relaxed?)
Like I said, he's a wonderful guy. He's currently living with my father and I so he can pay my dad rent money (Dad's in the middle of a separation and havign a hard time with money), and he always says how he's going to support me so I can do whatever I'd like when we finally move out, pays for everything, opens doors, and he can make me laugh like a son of a bitch. Just when he gets on my case about things around the house it gets aggravating.
So if I chime in with the "Kick this worthless 150-piece stainless steel toolbox to the fucking curb where he belongs" does that make me the "angel's advocate?" Or just my usual grade of asshole?
Because looking over the OP that's my knee-jerk reaction. He's screaming and throwing tantrums because you forgot a couple things (keys in the door, oh noes) aren't telepathic (the Watchmen movie) and can't violate the laws of physics (getting a sandwich melt right is a precise science and should not be rushed) - all of which says to me that you probably deserve better.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
All that is understandable but none of it is an excuse.
My wife gets quite irritable when she's on her period and while it's certainly an unenviable situation for her or any woman, she's really stepped on my buttons quite a few times in the past and I've told her in no uncertain terms that I won't tolerate being shouted at and if she's feeling irritable, just please let me know and we'll give each other some space until she cools off some. That's worked out pretty well, for the most part.
Maybe that's all that needs to happen here, but again, in any case, you absolutely need to speak with him on this and let him know that you don't appreciate it. Being tired, stressed, irritable, drunk or whatever is not an excuse to be disrespectful. As I said, everyone has their bad moments, rough days and what have you, and everyone's human and can snap at their loved ones now and then. But if it's constant, there is a problem. See that it gets addressed now before it gets too far along and he begins to think that he can treat you like this all the time and you'll just stick around and take it.
I just texted him asking "how's work?" like I do everyday, and he replied "would you stop friggin asking that? I never answer that question on the phone when you ask anyway. Also don't text me unless I'm on coffee or lunch break"
...guess Im not doing THAT anymore.
For some reason it sounds dirty when you say it like that. :winky:
JoaT:
Thanks for clarifying the situation. It sounds like this isn't a completely new behavior, but increased intensity.
So you've been pretty descriptive of the way in which he responds to your attempt to broach this topic, but you haven't been nearly as descriptive with how you're addressing the issue when you talk with him about it. Could you try something for me? Pretend you're sitting down with him to talk about this issue. Write down in a paragraph exactly what you would say to him to raise the topic.
I think it's a combination of the two.
On the one hand, the guy's behavior is terrible. He's acting like a spoiled child, taking her for granted, and showing no remorse or regret over his behavior.
On the other hand, he's working 15 hours a day in a sheet metal factory. I don't think any of us can understand the effect that would have on a person's psyche.
The key, however, is that he's not willing to accept that he's doing anything wrong. If his behavior is the result of mountains of stress and overwork, there should be some point at which he becomes self-aware enough to realize that, but it doesn't seem to be happening.
My advice is that the next time he has a day off work and is able to relax, you press him about it. Don't let him get away with blaming you; his behavior is terrible. Yours is human. If at no point does he accept any blame for his behavior, I think, and I'm sorry to say this, that you should kick him to the curb.
Above is what I base a lot of this on:
Wow, are you my girlfriend on an alt?
I could, perhaps, give you a peek inside the brain of someone who thinks/acts this way, to a much lesser degree of intensity.
See, my girlfriend forgets stuff all the time. Leaves keys in the door overnight, leaves the oven on, forgets to put minis out of reach of the cat (we've lost and I've repurchased a few a couple of times, now) and generally has "ADD" on which she blames both this behavior and her infuriating habit of being unable to just do one thing at a time.
Now, I try not to bring it up. I get it, she's forgetful and has a short attention span. If I were to bring it up I try to do so in the nicest way I can, even if that isn't how I actually feel. Usually it just comes out as borderline passive-aggressive, which we can and do both deal with.
It sounds like he's coming home with a lot of baggage from work. If he's mean and nasty for a while and then settles down into nice and happy, it would make sense that things aren't going to hot at work, something he may not want to share with you. When I have a nasty day/am hungry I can be a real dick about little, insignificant things. This generally fades quickly once I'm home and relaxed and have eaten something.
Is there a big difference between pre- and post-meal attitude? I'm at my worst when I need a little blood sugar.
How are weekends/non-work days, any different?
Honestly, from everything here it sounds as if he's getting hit by stress or other issues which cause him to snap at smaller, non-issues. My prelinminary suggestion would be to see if there's a pattern like that above and try to adapt to the pattern. I've changed by eating habits so that I don't come home hungry and both myself and my girlfriend are thankful for that.
I agree with other posters—you really shouldn't take this lying down. I'm not saying you should break up with him (necessarily), but if you don't make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable, it may solidify into a pattern that will taint the rest of your relationship.
"yes"
I'm thinking the exact same thing
But you're just validating that there is something wrong with your actions. I'll put money on the fact that this is work related. The man can't flip-off his boss, but he can take all that frustration and anger out on you. I'm certain he's not even aware of a connection.
I mean, they're both flaws, they're both annoying, but one is unintentional and the other is directed towards another human being.
I get grouchy and irritable sometimes, but when I do I usually try to sequester myself in my room so I'm not even tempted to be short with my girlfriend. It should never be seen as okay, or even as "human flawed," to take that stuff out on your girlfriend/boyfriend.
This guy is a cunt, and you're making excuses for his cunt behavior, which leads me to believe he's a bigger cunt than I first thought. This can't be healthy for you.
I don't know you, but I don't have to when I say you (ANYONE) deserve to be treated better than that - especially in a relationship!
This. This EXACTLY. The stuff your girlfriend does....sounds just like me.
And there IS a pattern with his behavior. Like I said, it's generally when he's working a 14 hour day and hasn't eaten enough. He's told me plenty of times that though they consider him the best apprentice they've had in 10 years at work, he sill gets shit on by everyone else. They call him fat (he's not.), and generally yell at him for crap around the job that he was told to do. I just realized the pattern. Just now.
He gets home, is a dick, and then settles down within an hour or 2 and is very sweet.
Also whe he gets in his moods, rarely does he ever "YELL". I didn't really mean to write that he was yelling. He gets more of this...aggrivated tone with a slight elevation in tone. he's not screaming at me by any means.
You're also validating that yelling at you is the appropriate action for when you forget something. Don't try to cater to his every whim, let him know that yelling at you for stupid things like that is completely unacceptable.
As others have said, he may not even realize how horribly he's treating you, if he's that stressed from his job - but that doesn't give him a pass to do it. Let him know that he's acting like a child, that you think it's due to stress from his job, and that you want to be supportive and there for him in a bad period of his - but that what he's doing can't continue.
I'm just stating that this guy isn't alone in being a dick towards a SO, and that this doesn't need to be seen as a black or white issue. The guy sounds great. He also sounds like he hates his job and comes home nasty and bitter. Taking it out on JoaT isn't acceptable, but there is probably a solution that is more constructive than "He's a dick, drop him." I was hoping to give an example of a similar situation and give a little bit of advise on how I've successfully dealt with a similar issue.
I think test number one would be to hand him a snack when he comes in the door. Number two would be to lay it out like you just did. Let him know that he makes things difficult for you and that you want to make sure that he can get out of work-mode and into relaxing-mode quicker. People get stressed and nasty. It doesn't make them monsters, it makes them unhappy.
Also, he's in the military. I forgot to bring that up. he's a very militant sort of guy, and likes things in a certain way (very OCD too...which also runs in his family along with bi-polar disorder)
Okay. I want to start out by saying that everyone here who has said you don't deserve this sort of treatment is absolutely right. Having said that, this isn't a particularly productive way to start and direct this sort of discussion.
Here's the issue: whether you "did everything right today" or have been "improving a lot lately with memory and remembering to do things" is not, in any way, the heart of the matter. And since you're asking him to justify his aggravation, he's put into a position where he has to tell you what he did wrong, which almost inevitably steers the conversation in a direction where you "try and defend my self but I get flustered, and end up getting upset."
The issue here is how he's making you feel--whether you're in the wrong or not, whether you really did leave the keys in the doorknob (an honest mistake on your part) or whether he's accusing you of not being proactive about planning when you're going to go see Watchmen (an irrational expectation on his part), and whether or not this frustration on his part really is about you or is actually the result of stress from another part of his life, there's no justification for how he's behaving towards you. It's not a productive way of expressing himself, and it's souring your relationship. So rather than focusing on the incidences that cause you to feel this way, focus on the feeling.
Let's try that now: how does it make you feel when he nags at you?
I'm going to go with "He hates his job and you're getting the collateral damage from that". I'm not excusing the behavior and my now wife shouldn't have had to put up with it either (Sounds a tad familiar I am sad to say), but if he's young enough he should mellow a bit as he begins to realize what is important and what is not.
I'm not advising you to put up with it but I am saying that you may not be the problem. Bring it up to him and make him realize that you're on his side in all of this. Hopefully that will open his eyes.
PSN: Broichan
There's an old saying: "Hate the sin, not the sinner." It's normal and natural to get upset because something hasn't been done, but the criticism should start and finish with that specific thing, it shouldn't be extended to include the person who made the error. Saying "Gosh, Jackie, you left your keys in the door again!" is fine - it addresses the problem directly, and you can then say "Oh heck, I'm sorry, I'll try to remember not to do that." Storming into the house throwing the keys around and screaming about what a worthless person you are because you never remember to do anything right? That's not nagging, that's emotional abuse.
This is also a giant red warning flag. You sat down and attempted to have a mature, reasonable talk with him about a problem in your relationship, and his response was to shift the blame for everything onto you. That's about half a step above "Baby, why you gotta make me hit you?" The problem isn't your forgetfulness, it's his reaction to it, and he is absolutely refusing to address that.
There is no doubt in my mind that he is looking forward to a long, fruitful life of having you constantly under his thumb. He's putting himself in a very controlling position over you by talking about things in that way. If he gets you dependent on him, you'll have no choice but to put up with his bullshit. Right now, it's "he yells at me every day, but he's a swell guy!". A year from now, it will be "He yells at me all the time, but he pays all the rent!". Why do you need him to support you so you can do whatever you like? You're going to school, you have a job, you can take care of yourself. You don't need his string-laden support. He wants to mold you into his own little compliant housewife who cares for him and cooks for him and reads his mind and always has his dinner ready on time and never bothers him at work or brings up relationship issues or questions his authority. Is that the person you want to be?
The problem here isn't you, Jack. You don't need to stress out about tricks to improve your memory, because I'd wager cash money that your memory is just fine. If he didn't make such an enormous screaming production out of all the tiny things you forget to do, odds are you wouldn't even notice them, and neither would he. You don't need to make excuses for him, or rationalize that maybe he's just stressed out from work. I get stressed out from work sometimes, and I occasionally snap at Pixels, but I don't constantly insult him. You shouldn't let your boyfriend do that to you, no matter how awesome he is after he's calmed down.
Get him out of your life. Nobody deserves to be in a state of constant nervous anxiety, just waiting for him to come home from work so he can tell you what you fucked up today. You didn't fuck anything up, he's just a small, sad little man trying to put you down to make himself bigger.
You seem to be offering a lot of excuses for this guy for why he's treating you bad. Having a bad day at work, being OCD, etc. doesn't make it right for him to act the way he's acting. As others have said, by capitulating to him, you're going to dig a pattern that's going to keep repeating itself.
Sit him down. Tell him the way he's treating you isn't okay. Tell him you want it to change. If it doesn't change, leave him.
Being stressed out and acting like a tool is the boyfriend's responsibility, and it should be his responsibility to fix it. If he can't come in the door without being a dick for the first hour or two after work, he ought not to walk in the door until he's calmed down. Seriously, he should park a few blocks away and walk around until he's go this shit out of his system. Dumping all your work stress on your SO is bullshit that is within everyone's ability to control, if they choose to do so.
If its that he's getting stressed due to low blood sugar, he needs to learn better eating habits and plan accordingly, like keeping healthy snacks at work and making sure to eat something every three or four hours.
But this all comes down to taking personal responsibility for your own emotions. The boyfriend is doing a shitty job of it and needs to improve, just as the OP seems to be making an effort to improve her attention to detail.
The problem isn't your memory, it's your boyfriend being an asshole. Okay, he works long hours. He's stressed out. That doesn't make it okay to take it out on you. The question is does he realize his behavior is a problem and is he willing to change and be more respectful towards you? If not, seriously, dump his sorry ass.
Expand on that, please?
It sounds like he's really sweating the small stuff, and you want this relationship to go further he's just got to let that crap go. If he doesn't find your forgetfulness about things even slightly cute or endearing, something's up.
No movie times and he wants to fight about that? Problem.
I hate to say this, but it sounds like you're allowing yourself to be walked all over. He's being an asshole, and that kind of conscending language doesn't fly between two adults living together. It does sound like he's pretty devoted to his work, and I agree that this is probably the source of most of the frustration. After a long day he's probably dying to get home, eat, and then sleep, but he needs to take 20 minutes somewhere and let it all go before coming home to you.
At the end of the day he needs to realize that talking to you in this fashion is unacceptable and you shouldn't be the target for his pent-up anger after a long, hard day.
I don't think anyone saying he should be crucified for his behavior, but she's enabling it if she tries to adapt to it. It needs to be nipped in the bud, right now (especially now if it's just recently become prevalent). If this guy is as much of a prince as the OP believes he is, then hopefully he'll come around and correct that behavior.
Look, stressful jobs suck, living with your girlfriend's dad is kind of crappy, whatever. But what the hell? This guy is dumping all over you for stupid shit. Like, OK, leaving your keys in the door (well, the outside door) is pretty bad, since that could be a serious problem. But it's worth a reminder -- "hey, you know you can't do this, someone could steal your keys or break in super-easy." You didn't maliciously kill his dog.
You need to set a line. If he yells, or raises his voice at all, say "I am not going to respond to you if you yell at me."
It sounds like when he's mad at you or yelling at you, you just take it. You sent him a friendly text, he responded like an asshole, and you just shut down -- "well, not gonna do that any more." Are you telling him that his behavior is unacceptable? No, you're just shutting up and dealing with it. Text him back -- "Hey, fuck you." If that's too strong, say "I am not taking this from you today. Be in a good mood when you come home, or don't come home."
The idea of passive/aggressive comes up often here, but here you two are sharing it -- you're being passive, he's being aggressive. Ramp up the aggression towards him -- it sounds like your days would be pretty awesome if he simply never came home from work.
It sounds like he's stringing you along with a lot of empty promises while he uses you as a punching bag. Tell him that if he's going to be nice once you move out, why isn't he nice now?
I'm just saying that as a relationship, they both need to pitch in. Speaking from experience, I acted in a very similar way for awhile until I changed some of my habits.
JoaT is looking to solve the problem, not to have a ton of people tell her how awful her boyfriend is. She had stated that she doesn't want to leave him and that she wants a constructive solution. It seems like I'm the only one suggesting actually fixing a clear problem.
They're in this together, and it isn't all on him to change. If my girlfriend wasn't awesome and started to address the grump issue herself, I'd probably still be a dick all the time. Now it isn't a problem, and that's what JoaT is looking for.
In this case, the problem is that the boyfriend is awful. She's bending over backwards for him and he doesn't give a damn. Constructive solutions do not include bending over further for him.