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Am I in the wrong here? [woo girl thread!]

QuarterMasterQuarterMaster Registered User regular
edited February 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
Sorry for the wall of text.

First, I think some backstory is relevant.

I've never had very much luck with girls (though being 17, never is not very long). I had one yearlong relationship when I was 15-16 which was relatively successful, though it ended in a very messy way, which I can admit was mostly my fault. However, we're friends now and get along fine. Since then I've been avoiding the whole "relationship thing" for several reasons, but the biggest of which is simply because I don't want to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons, which is why my first and only relationship ended. Recently, however, I've been feeling much more confident that I'm ready to enter that wild world again. This brings us to the current situation.

I met the girl of interest several months ago at my Church's youth group for high school students. We didn't talk very much at first, since I'm a pretty shy person and wasn't yet feeling secure enough to talk to many girls, let alone pursue a relationship. Keep in mind that I've liked her most of this time. Fast forward to about a month ago, at our annual youth group beach retreat. We've started talking before this, but now we really start to hit it off. We're joking around with each other, talking a lot more, hot tubbing with the others, (sorry, no :winky:), and flirting pretty heavily. Overall, just having a grand ol' time. Now, I've liked a few other girls before this, but before I ever got the guts to ask them out they were already in a different relationship. This time, I was determined for that not to happen.

After a few more weeks of talking together, I've determined that my interest is mutual. The day after Valentine's Day I decide to go ahead and ask her out (romantic, I know). This was far from a spur of the moment decision, as I'd been thinking about it for the past few weeks. Here I should explain why. At the time, I was under the impression that she was about 15 1/2 (this becomes important later). A little young I know, but she is very mature and intelligent for her age, so I thought it would probably work out fine. Anyway, after I asked her out she said that she definitely liked me a lot and would almost definitely say yes, but that she wanted to think about it first. OK, that's fine. I had thought about it for a while, and was frankly happy/impressed she was mature enough not to jump into anything. So she thinks about it for a week, during which she pretty much completely disengages from me (not answering any phone calls, 'how are you's', etc).

This brings us to last night, at which point I'm slightly annoyed that she really hasn't said anything to me at all over the past week. On Saturday she sends me a text saying that she didn't expect to take so long to think about it, and that we should probably just be friends. Of course I was a little disappointed, but I was also annoyed that she had been leading me on for the past week under the expectation that she would say yes. I asked her what her reasons were, but she didn't respond. I see her at the end of our youth group meeting on Sunday and we agree to talk later over Facebook. This is where I find out the most shocking piece of news (at least to me): she doesn't even turn 15 until July. At first she was under the impression that I knew this, but later found out that I didn't. She claimed she didn't tell me because it was 'awkward'. Her other reasons made more sense after this revelation: she's a flirt, likes other boys, doesn't want to date someone outside of her school, etc. I know I blew the situation out of proportion, but this was the first girl I had really liked in a while, and it hurt. However, I tried my best not to get angry with her.

I think I handled it pretty well overall, but I know I must have sounded a little short with her. Now I don't know whether I should feel guilty or not..on the one hand, I should have made certain of her age before asking her out. On the other, I feel like I've been led on and lied to, or at least kept in the dark. So, my question to all of you forumers patient enough to go through yet another girl thread, is whether or not my feelings are justified? Should I apologize for being bitter? I'm just really confused. :|

tl; dr: Asked a girl out who I like a lot and think is at least 15 1/2. She leads me on for a week, and then reveals that she's actually 14 1/2, among other things. I feel hurt and get a little short with her. Am I in the wrong?

Edit: Something I forgot to mention which hurt a little as well was that she didn't seem to be affected by this at all, which was surprising to me. Also, I realize that I acted in some immature ways, and I have apologized to her for that already (which she accepted). This is also in my post below.

[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
QuarterMaster on

Posts

  • meekermeeker Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    You asked a girl out and she told you no.

    I wouldn't even say you have the right to ask for reasons.

    At what point does she lead you on? She says, let me think about it, you assume it will be a yes.

    Hate to say it, but it seems like you need to mature a bit more before you try your hand at dating.

    meeker on
  • QuarterMasterQuarterMaster Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    I agree that I acted pretty silly and immature, and I have apologized to her for that (which she accepted). I guess 'led on' might be too strong of a feeling, but she had led me to believe pretty strongly that it would be a yes. And something I'll edit in: another reason I was kind of hurt was that she didn't seem to be affected by this at all, which surprised me.

    Anyway, thanks for your advice.

    QuarterMaster on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • DarwinsFavoriteTortoiseDarwinsFavoriteTortoise Registered User
    edited February 2009
    meeker wrote: »
    You asked a girl out and she told you no.

    I wouldn't even say you have the right to ask for reasons.

    At what point does she lead you on? She says, let me think about it, you assume it will be a yes.

    Hate to say it, but it seems like you need to mature a bit more before you try your hand at dating.

    She leads him on by saying that its basically a yes, she just has to mull it over. He didn't really assume anything.

    Anyway, you tried, dude. Not much more you can do.

    DarwinsFavoriteTortoise on
  • QinguQingu Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    I think meeker was a bit harsh—I think you can probably date—but otherwise I agree with him.

    As far as I can tell, you had no real reason to think that (1) she was 15, or (2) she liked you. You just assumed both of these things. And when you assume....

    As far as "almost definitely saying yes" goes, a couple things. Firstly, she may have said this under pressure and gotten a little flustered (after all, she is young.) Secondly, saying "yes" to someone asking you out does not necessarily mean you actually like them or would want to be in a long-term relationship with them. And thirdly, she may have just genuinely changed her mind.

    In any case, don't beat yourself up. Like Darwin said, you tried, and rejection happens to all of us. In the future, just try not to assume so much. It's okay to get excited and hopeful, but past that you start to set yourself up for bitterness in case of rejection.

    Qingu on
  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    If there's anything I've learned in life, it's that over thinking things can really screw you up, especially with dating and women. This wall of text tells me you've been running scenarios in your head for awhile about this. I would just chill out and move on, I know it sucks and that you have an unrequited crush, but there are so many other women out there, it's just not worth being pissed about.

    Dark_Side on
  • The WeazelThe Weazel Registered User
    edited February 2009
    Alright, you're doing something that a lot of men make the first time (or every time in some cases) they get rejected by a girl.

    You took it personally. You had a picture of what you thought was going to be, and she shattered that idea like a hammer against hot glass.

    And to be honest, it's not your fault and it's not her fault. Nobody to blame. You thought she was attracted to you and she wasn't. Happens to the best of us.

    Now, a couple of people here have been giving you a hard time about how you reacted, and I think it's a little harsh the way they've been talking to you. They are right on some points, acting the way you did was a little immature. But you're only 17, which is goddamn perfect time to be immature and do some learning.

    Now I'm not condoning how you reacted, but you reacted as a 17 year old young man would. Which is taking rejection personally. And why did you take personally? There could have been a MILLION reasons why she had to mull it over and say no. And most of them don't have a damn thing to do with you.

    You did something right though. You mustered up some wicked sack and you asked a girl out! That takes courage, and you manned up and gave it your best! So what to do now?

    Learn from this. You made the mistake of taking rejection as an insult. Stop doing that. You're mental health will be in much better shape, and being mentally healthy will make socializing with girls a whole pile easier.

    The Weazel on
  • QuarterMasterQuarterMaster Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Thanks a lot for the help everybody, I really appreciate it.

    After reading all of your responses and thinking about it some more, I've realized that you're all right on the mark. Some of you point it out a little more bluntly than others (wink wink, meeker), but that's fine, because it's all good advice. It had been a while since I'd asked anybody out and I let myself get way too emotionally invested over something relatively unimportant. Obviously this was a mistake, and hopefully one that won't happen again (or at least often).

    Anyway, I'm going to try and talk with her again and explain things more now that I'm level-headed.

    QuarterMaster on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Anything other than a straight yes is a no

    The Black Hunter on
  • JurgJurg In a TeacupRegistered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Thanks a lot for the help everybody, I really appreciate it.

    After reading all of your responses and thinking about it some more, I've realized that you're all right on the mark. Some of you point it out a little more bluntly than others (wink wink, meeker), but that's fine, because it's all good advice. It had been a while since I'd asked anybody out and I let myself get way too emotionally invested over something relatively unimportant. Obviously this was a mistake, and hopefully one that won't happen again (or at least often).

    Anyway, I'm going to try and talk with her again and explain things more now that I'm level-headed.

    Don't do this if you're thinking, consciously or subconsciously, "Oh man, if I look mature, she'll go for that!"

    I speak from experience. :P

    Jurg on
    sig.gif
  • hawkboxhawkbox Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Well that isn't always true but at your age its probably a good guideline to work with.

    hawkbox on
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Thanks a lot for the help everybody, I really appreciate it.

    After reading all of your responses and thinking about it some more, I've realized that you're all right on the mark. Some of you point it out a little more bluntly than others (wink wink, meeker), but that's fine, because it's all good advice. It had been a while since I'd asked anybody out and I let myself get way too emotionally invested over something relatively unimportant. Obviously this was a mistake, and hopefully one that won't happen again (or at least often).

    Anyway, I'm going to try and talk with her again and explain things more now that I'm level-headed.

    Why?

    Sentry on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • DeathPrawnDeathPrawn Registered User
    edited February 2009
    Anything other than a straight yes is a no

    True nine times out of ten, and you shouldn't assume you're the odd 10%.

    DeathPrawn on
    Signature not found.
  • IogaIoga Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Honestly, the whole "let me think about it" and then not talking to you in any form for a week thing should have tipped you off.
    Thanks a lot for the help everybody, I really appreciate it.

    After reading all of your responses and thinking about it some more, I've realized that you're all right on the mark. Some of you point it out a little more bluntly than others (wink wink, meeker), but that's fine, because it's all good advice. It had been a while since I'd asked anybody out and I let myself get way too emotionally invested over something relatively unimportant. Obviously this was a mistake, and hopefully one that won't happen again (or at least often).

    Anyway, I'm going to try and talk with her again and explain things more now that I'm level-headed.

    I'm going to have to join the consensus and say, "NONONONONO don't do that!"

    It's done. Be nice to her when you see her, but don't talk about it. It's done, it's over. Now walk away and into some other lucky girl's life.

    It's fine, take it as a loss for her. Now she can't partake in the cornucopia of manliness that is YOU. Even if it's not true, think it.

    Now move on. There's lots of nice girls out there :).

    Ioga on
  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Sentry wrote: »
    Thanks a lot for the help everybody, I really appreciate it.

    After reading all of your responses and thinking about it some more, I've realized that you're all right on the mark. Some of you point it out a little more bluntly than others (wink wink, meeker), but that's fine, because it's all good advice. It had been a while since I'd asked anybody out and I let myself get way too emotionally invested over something relatively unimportant. Obviously this was a mistake, and hopefully one that won't happen again (or at least often).

    Anyway, I'm going to try and talk with her again and explain things more now that I'm level-headed.

    Why?

    I would just like to echo this sentiment. I would venture that pretty much every time someone goes back and tries to explain themselves in these kinds of situations, it only makes things even worse. Seriously, let it ride. In fact, pretend the whole thing never happened and act like it. I guarantee that she will eventually come back and start talking to you, you just have to give it some time, and also just be a friend, don't expect anything more to happen between the two of you.

    Dark_Side on
  • BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    i just read that you were 17 and then the end bit where she is 14.

    i would be a bit cross, but good god man where are you going looking for girls?
    shame on you.
    don't talk to her again unless you see her on a regular basis. just stop talking to children, look for girls who are more than a skip out of puberty.

    Belruel on
    vmn6rftb232b.png
  • Casually HardcoreCasually Hardcore Once an Asshole. Trying to be better. Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    14 is still puberty! Do you like to babysit? Cause that's exactly what you'll end up doing, that and being registered as a sex offender as soon as you hit 18.

    Casually Hardcore on
  • carl_rogerscarl_rogers Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    14 is still puberty! Do you like to babysit? Cause that's exactly what you'll end up doing, that and being registered as a sex offender as soon as you hit 18.

    Immature and not true at all. So if you turn 18 and are dating a 16/17 year old, you're automatically a sex offender too?

    Anyway, OP, i've had bugger all luck with the ladies, and i'm sure a lot of people can understand your situation. Best is to act the same around her, be friends and be cool (relaxed). If you don't end up with a relationship out of this, the best next thing is, honestly, to be friends. unless it really is awkward around her, but it shouldnt be. Having lots of friends (especially girls) is good. You never know who you might meet through these people. And they are great for advice and to hang out with.

    carl_rogers on
  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Read his post before you get on your high horse there. He didn't know how old she was and assumed 15+, he also met her through his church's youth group, so I'm sure his intentions were pure at heart. That said, you do need to date someone closer to your age op.

    Dark_Side on
  • BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    yes and that is why i said be a bit mad, but even so, he found out she is 14, just stop talking to her.
    at all.

    Belruel on
    vmn6rftb232b.png
  • BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    14 is still puberty! Do you like to babysit? Cause that's exactly what you'll end up doing, that and being registered as a sex offender as soon as you hit 18.

    Immature and not true at all. So if you turn 18 and are dating a 16/17 year old, you're automatically a sex offender too?

    Anyway, OP, i've had bugger all luck with the ladies, and i'm sure a lot of people can understand your situation. Best is to act the same around her, be friends and be cool (relaxed). If you don't end up with a relationship out of this, the best next thing is, honestly, to be friends. unless it really is awkward around her, but it shouldnt be. Having lots of friends (especially girls) is good. You never know who you might meet through these people. And they are great for advice and to hang out with.

    the last bit the guy said about being a sex offender is silly in most cases, but this isn't the same as an 18 year old dating a 17 year old or even a 16 year old. she is 14, that is still puberty, or just out of it.

    this is a major issue where older dudes go out with these easily tricked young girls, and it is despicable. not to accuse our OP of that, seeing how he isn't going to date her, and thought she was a year older at least; but now that he knows, he should tell her he isn't interested in girls that young (if he sees her in youth group), and move on.

    though how they shared a youth group and he never knew her age is beyond me.

    Belruel on
    vmn6rftb232b.png
  • tsmvengytsmvengy Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    You're 17. She's 14. She said no. Just leave it.

    tsmvengy on
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  • QinguQingu Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    I also don't think you should bother explaining yourself to her, or really even talking to her at all.

    Let it go, Indy. Let it go.

    Qingu on
  • Charles KinboteCharles Kinbote Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    I know that "rules" about these things are usually pretty goofy and arbitrary, but as far as ages go, I find the "([your age]/2) + 7" is a pretty good lower bound for people you're allowed to date.

    Anyway, yeah. The latest posters have the best idea. She's too young for you, it's weird, she's not interested, there's no reason to hang around. A girl that is too young for you is not interested in you. Time to find someone that would be happy to be with you.

    Charles Kinbote on
    www.twitter.com/amazingwarlock
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Qingu wrote: »
    I also don't think you should bother explaining yourself to her, or really even talking to her at all.

    Let it go, Indy. Let it go.

    just so this doesn't get lost in the whole "she's 14" fervor....

    Sentry on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • QuarterMasterQuarterMaster Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    While I do appreciate all of your advice so far, the situation is different than I think a lot of you are assuming. We were pretty decent friends before this whole thing started, and we both agreed that we still want to be friends now. We've acknowledged that there will be some awkwardness for a little while, since that's the nature of these things, but it wasn't nearly serious enough to completely jeopardize our friendship. And as most of you have suggested, we both agreed not to talk about it any more. What's done is done, so we might as well move on.

    As far as the whole age situation goes, I realize I should have been certain of her age before asking her out. The reason I was under the impression she was 15+ was because on our youth retreat I had asked if she was 15, and she gave a little nod and didn't say anything else. But dating is definitely out of the picture.

    Sorry if that wasn't clear in the OP!

    QuarterMaster on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • carl_rogerscarl_rogers Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Well, its good that you've decided that you guys can still be friends. i think it was pretty poor advice from some who told you to never talk to her again. Just because she may be considerably younger (and you didnt realise it) doesnt mean that the friendship should be over. Good to hear it was resolved.

    carl_rogers on
  • meekermeeker Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Thanks a lot for the help everybody, I really appreciate it.

    After reading all of your responses and thinking about it some more, I've realized that you're all right on the mark. Some of you point it out a little more bluntly than others (wink wink, meeker), but that's fine, because it's all good advice. It had been a while since I'd asked anybody out and I let myself get way too emotionally invested over something relatively unimportant. Obviously this was a mistake, and hopefully one that won't happen again (or at least often).

    Anyway, I'm going to try and talk with her again and explain things more now that I'm level-headed.

    I apologize if I may have been a bit harsh, but I see far too many girl threads in here where advice is not even listened to. And I have been seeing too many threads where some guy has fallen for a girl he is friends with. Romance complicates life. This has been true for ages. You will be asking girls out for a long time to come and if you were to worry like this about every crush you will ever get, you will go completely insane.

    If a girl does not say yes, just leave her alone. There is never anything good to come about pining for a girl who does not want you. Good for you for having the balls to ask her out, build on that. Go ask a girl out who you are not friends with.

    meeker on
  • QuarterMasterQuarterMaster Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Thanks meeker. I didn't mean to sound upset or anything, and I appreciate that you were willing to give me your opinion without sugarcoating it.

    And I agree about not asking any more friends..that almost never seems to turn out well for anybody. As was said earlier, it's all pretty much water under the bridge now; I'm not upset over it anymore since I've been able to think about it, and thanks to all of your help.

    QuarterMaster on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • meekermeeker Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    No problem at all.

    And to be honest, I wish someone would have given me this advice when I was 17...

    meeker on
  • JurgJurg In a TeacupRegistered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Good job.

    Some of my best friends are girls that have turned me down, so I hope you have the same weird luck. :P

    Jurg on
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