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Is my friend crazy, or am I? UPDATE: It's not me!
Murphy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I am in the middle of a very weird situation, and I need to get some feedback. I can't figure out what's going on, and I worry that I'm jumping to ridiculous conclusions and possibly ruining a friendship. Conversely, I worry that by not coming to this conclusion I am keeping a psychopath in my life. I've tried to pare things down as much as possible. I'll have a tl:dr at the end, but it really does help if you read it all.
I'm a gay male living in NE Ohio. I moved here last summer from Cincinnati, where I'd lived my entire life. I moved here to live with my boyfriend, who I met about a year ago online. Things haven't been perfect this whole time, but we chalk it down to growing pains for the most part. Most of the time both of us are very happy.
Yesterday my boyfriend approached me about an email he had received in a rarely used AOL account. With one exception (some friends we met a few months ago that he randomly gave the address to because it was the only one he could remember), he hasn't used the address since we met. The email, hidden behind the cut below, read as follows (it's vaguely sexual, so if gay innuendo freaks you out, skip on by):
So, this kind of floored me. First and foremost, because this event did not happen. To his credit, my boyfriend knew this already. He had checked my wallet, and found as he suspected that I keep little more than my ID, credit cards and library card inside. There is no scrap of paper with his email address, and if there were, it wouldn't be that address anyway. And it would be in my phone if anywhere. Besides, we spend every weekend together. From Friday afternoon until Monday morning when the work week starts, we are pretty inseparable. Added to that is the fact that two weeks ago my BF and I were in Cleveland visiting some of his family there. So essentially, this email is a bold faced lie.
But then there are the confusing factors. Who is this person, and how do they know that I'm uncircumcised? How would they have this email address, and why would they think to use it in this manner? The sad thing is that only one person comes to mind. My (supposed?) best friend in Cincinnati. Let me explain why I came to this conclusion:
- When I first met my friend 10 years ago, we went on one date where I realized that I wasn’t interested, and really needed a friend more than I needed a boyfriend. He seemed ok with it, but I’ve always wondered.
- In all the time we’ve been friends, he has never dated anyone.
- Since I’ve moved here, he has made it clear that I am not “allowed†to visit with my boyfriend. If I want to come and stay the weekend with him in his guest room that’s cool, but if the boyfriend comes, I have to get a hotel. He has always been like this.
- Our phone conversations often revolve around how he misses having his best friend around, and any time I mention the slightest disagreement between my BF and I, he blows it out of proportion like the guy beats me or something. We just quibbled about where to go for dinner for crying out loud.
- We were roommates for a year or so several years ago. When I began dating this one guy pretty seriously, my friend informed me that I wasn’t allowed to have guests stay over since it was more his apartment than mine.
- After we argued about the above, he secretly blocked the phone number of the guy I was seeing from being able to call us, and I didn’t figure it out until I discovered a pamphlet from the phone company with the instructions on how to do so in his bedside table. Prior to my discovering this, he claimed that he had put a call in to the phone company in order to discover why on earth my new guy couldn’t seem to get through.
- Prior to meeting the guy I am with now, I dated my now ex for about six years. During that time, I was never “allowed†to invite him to any functions with my friend’s family, despite the fact that they look at me as a member of the family, and often expressed interest in this guy I’d been talking about for years. My friend’s interaction with my boyfriend was limited to maybe three or four dinners or lunches over the course of those six years.
- When I met my current boyfriend, I forwarded his photos (sent from the email address in question here) to my friend to ask what he thought of the guy.
- On my second date with my now-boyfriend, I accidentally locked us out of my apartment with both my keys and phone inside. I called my friend from my boyfriend’s phone and asked for him to stop by with my spare key.
- Shortly after this my boyfriend started getting weird restricted calls from someone who was trying to, I don’t know, meet up with him? Have phone sex? It’s a mystery. They increased in frequency until I casually mentioned to my friend that my boyfriend was going to have the number traced through his service provider (not true). After this conversation, the calls stopped entirely.
- The week or two before moving from the city, my friend told me that my boyfriend complained about me a lot when I wasn’t in the room. Completely ridiculous things, really. When I asked my boyfriend about it, he replied “Why on earth would I complain about my new boyfriend to his best friend? What kind of idiot would do that?â€
I called my friend last night to tell him about the email. I didn't let him know that I thought it was him who sent it, as I wanted to find out what he would say without knowing this. He first asked if we could perhaps trace the email. I told him I didn't think so. Then he asked where the email came from. I told him it was a hotmail address, and he asked "What's hotmail?" Who the fuck doesn't know what hotmail is? I mean, I wouldn't suggest using it, but I know what it is. Plus, I'm pretty sure he used to have a hotmail address. Then he suggested that maybe my boyfriend sent it to himself. To what purpose?
I haven't told him yet that I think it's him. Because I just don't know for sure. I mean, what if he just denies it? I have no proof. Just a strong feeling. Should I even have this feeling? Am I completely off base? Is there someone else that it could possibly be trying to set me up like this? Did I actually cheat on my boyfriend and just completely block it out?
Ok, maybe not so much with the last part. But I really don't know what to do. I can't figure out if I'm jumping to crazy conclusions or if I'm right on the money. Thoughts? Suggestions?
TL;DR - I think my friend may have sent an anonymous email to my BF in an attempt to sabotage my relationship. Am I crazy? Or is he?
I'm a gay male living in NE Ohio. I moved here last summer from Cincinnati, where I'd lived my entire life. I moved here to live with my boyfriend, who I met about a year ago online. Things haven't been perfect this whole time, but we chalk it down to growing pains for the most part. Most of the time both of us are very happy.
Yesterday my boyfriend approached me about an email he had received in a rarely used AOL account. With one exception (some friends we met a few months ago that he randomly gave the address to because it was the only one he could remember), he hasn't used the address since we met. The email, hidden behind the cut below, read as follows (it's vaguely sexual, so if gay innuendo freaks you out, skip on by):
I have been debating about this for 2 weeks now, and am still not sure whether or not this is the right thing to do. However, my conscience is bothering me too much, and I need to get it off my chest.
About 2 weeks ago, I was staying in the Akron area for the weekend, and posted an ad on Craigslist, and responded to several other ads. I met a nice guy name [Murphy], and we had a lot of fun (I so love hung guys...)
However, he told me afterward that he was in a relationship, and living with his bf. And, while things were not perfect in that relationship, I felt guilty for being the "other woman" so to speak.
When he showered, I went through his wallet, and found this email, with the name Adam next to it. I am going on the assumption that this is you, and not another one of the anonymous men he meets for sex.
I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but he is not being faithful to you, and cannot be trusted. I am sure that there are a lot of other men in the area who have had his big, uncircumcised dick, and I doubt he will ever keep it to just one man...
An Anonymous friend
About 2 weeks ago, I was staying in the Akron area for the weekend, and posted an ad on Craigslist, and responded to several other ads. I met a nice guy name [Murphy], and we had a lot of fun (I so love hung guys...)
However, he told me afterward that he was in a relationship, and living with his bf. And, while things were not perfect in that relationship, I felt guilty for being the "other woman" so to speak.
When he showered, I went through his wallet, and found this email, with the name Adam next to it. I am going on the assumption that this is you, and not another one of the anonymous men he meets for sex.
I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but he is not being faithful to you, and cannot be trusted. I am sure that there are a lot of other men in the area who have had his big, uncircumcised dick, and I doubt he will ever keep it to just one man...
An Anonymous friend
So, this kind of floored me. First and foremost, because this event did not happen. To his credit, my boyfriend knew this already. He had checked my wallet, and found as he suspected that I keep little more than my ID, credit cards and library card inside. There is no scrap of paper with his email address, and if there were, it wouldn't be that address anyway. And it would be in my phone if anywhere. Besides, we spend every weekend together. From Friday afternoon until Monday morning when the work week starts, we are pretty inseparable. Added to that is the fact that two weeks ago my BF and I were in Cleveland visiting some of his family there. So essentially, this email is a bold faced lie.
But then there are the confusing factors. Who is this person, and how do they know that I'm uncircumcised? How would they have this email address, and why would they think to use it in this manner? The sad thing is that only one person comes to mind. My (supposed?) best friend in Cincinnati. Let me explain why I came to this conclusion:
- When I first met my friend 10 years ago, we went on one date where I realized that I wasn’t interested, and really needed a friend more than I needed a boyfriend. He seemed ok with it, but I’ve always wondered.
- In all the time we’ve been friends, he has never dated anyone.
- Since I’ve moved here, he has made it clear that I am not “allowed†to visit with my boyfriend. If I want to come and stay the weekend with him in his guest room that’s cool, but if the boyfriend comes, I have to get a hotel. He has always been like this.
- Our phone conversations often revolve around how he misses having his best friend around, and any time I mention the slightest disagreement between my BF and I, he blows it out of proportion like the guy beats me or something. We just quibbled about where to go for dinner for crying out loud.
- We were roommates for a year or so several years ago. When I began dating this one guy pretty seriously, my friend informed me that I wasn’t allowed to have guests stay over since it was more his apartment than mine.
- After we argued about the above, he secretly blocked the phone number of the guy I was seeing from being able to call us, and I didn’t figure it out until I discovered a pamphlet from the phone company with the instructions on how to do so in his bedside table. Prior to my discovering this, he claimed that he had put a call in to the phone company in order to discover why on earth my new guy couldn’t seem to get through.
- Prior to meeting the guy I am with now, I dated my now ex for about six years. During that time, I was never “allowed†to invite him to any functions with my friend’s family, despite the fact that they look at me as a member of the family, and often expressed interest in this guy I’d been talking about for years. My friend’s interaction with my boyfriend was limited to maybe three or four dinners or lunches over the course of those six years.
- When I met my current boyfriend, I forwarded his photos (sent from the email address in question here) to my friend to ask what he thought of the guy.
- On my second date with my now-boyfriend, I accidentally locked us out of my apartment with both my keys and phone inside. I called my friend from my boyfriend’s phone and asked for him to stop by with my spare key.
- Shortly after this my boyfriend started getting weird restricted calls from someone who was trying to, I don’t know, meet up with him? Have phone sex? It’s a mystery. They increased in frequency until I casually mentioned to my friend that my boyfriend was going to have the number traced through his service provider (not true). After this conversation, the calls stopped entirely.
- The week or two before moving from the city, my friend told me that my boyfriend complained about me a lot when I wasn’t in the room. Completely ridiculous things, really. When I asked my boyfriend about it, he replied “Why on earth would I complain about my new boyfriend to his best friend? What kind of idiot would do that?â€
I called my friend last night to tell him about the email. I didn't let him know that I thought it was him who sent it, as I wanted to find out what he would say without knowing this. He first asked if we could perhaps trace the email. I told him I didn't think so. Then he asked where the email came from. I told him it was a hotmail address, and he asked "What's hotmail?" Who the fuck doesn't know what hotmail is? I mean, I wouldn't suggest using it, but I know what it is. Plus, I'm pretty sure he used to have a hotmail address. Then he suggested that maybe my boyfriend sent it to himself. To what purpose?
I haven't told him yet that I think it's him. Because I just don't know for sure. I mean, what if he just denies it? I have no proof. Just a strong feeling. Should I even have this feeling? Am I completely off base? Is there someone else that it could possibly be trying to set me up like this? Did I actually cheat on my boyfriend and just completely block it out?
Ok, maybe not so much with the last part. But I really don't know what to do. I can't figure out if I'm jumping to crazy conclusions or if I'm right on the money. Thoughts? Suggestions?
TL;DR - I think my friend may have sent an anonymous email to my BF in an attempt to sabotage my relationship. Am I crazy? Or is he?
Murphy on
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Also he probably sent the email.
I also agree with Limp moose- he does sound like an ass
edit: nevermind, reread it.
I'm with the rest of the crowd here - it's just way too much circumstantial evidence to even consider it not being him. He's clearly not your friend anymore, because friends just don't do that shit. Drop him like a sack of potatoes.
so maybe you have subconsciously made the decision already that its time for this 'friendship' to end.
He's got a thing for you. Great. Fine. We all have unrequited crushes. Being an absolute dick about it ('laying down the law' about visitors while you were room mates, etc) is uncalled for and not appropriate friendly behaviour.
I learned the hard way that keeping crazy people in your life out of a sense of loyalty and shared history and because "well, they're not that bad ALL the time" isn't something you want to do. These kind of people just drag you down, and the longer you stick around and let him get away with these things...well, the longer he'll keep doing them. Also, an unfortunate side effect of having crazy friends is that your friends can affect how people view you. I hate to say it, but what will your boyfriend think of you still being friends with this guy when this isn't even the first attempt to spoil your relationship(s).
Crushes can't be helped, and I have stayed friends with people who've had crushes on me that I don't desire. Eventually they have to get over it, or you have to put your foot down and end it the hard way. At least you're not living in the same town with him anymore...but if you do "break up" with your friend, I would watch out in case he comes to your town or something. I don't think you're crazy or over reacting.
you're a dumbass.
Actually, you can. Kind of. It's not 100% accurate, and if the mail was sent using a proxy/anonymizer, it won't be accurate at all. But...
Expand the header on the email to show all the technical details. Look for the last "Received: from..." line before you get to the "Date:" and "From:" lines. Take the IP address (numbers) from "Received: from..." and paste it into the "IP Address to Locate" field here.
If it comes back with a location in or near Cincinnati, that's another circumstantial tick against your friend.
I mean, I have a lot of tolerance for bullshit, but I would seriously consider dropping this guy. However, regardless of whether or not you decide to drop him entirely, you should keep the fact that he's nuts in mind for all future dealings with him.
I tried the IP search thing, but either I did it wrong, or there is something else going on. I found an address of Lancaster, OH, which is a bit south of Columbus, but not exactly near or in Cincinnati. However, the source information looked different in that email than any I checked on my own account, so maybe I entered the wrong IP.
Anyway, I really need to figure out what to do at this point. Do I just stop talking to him? Do I tell him that I think it's him and give him the chance to explain, or offer a denial? If I do remove him from my life, what do I do about all of our common Livejournal and Facebook friends? This may seem like a silly question, but I have several of his relatives, and many common friends on both. I don't want to tell them WHY I'm removing him, so how do I do this?
Ugh. I really do wish that there was another explanation, because despite the general assholishness that all of you noticed, now that I don't live in the city, I don't have to deal with it nearly as much. But all signs point to him.
One is the effect this guy has on your current (or future) relationships. For that one, if you and your boyfriend both know that the guy is nuts and that at any time more of this crap can happen, and you're both able to just blow it off and laugh about it, then that's great, it's a separate issue. However, it seems like you should talk it over with your bf and see if the actions of this "friend" of yours are disruptive to the trust in your relationship. If it is, then whether or not you remain friends with this other guy might be something you can talk over with your bf and the conclusion will probably be, "dump the friend".
The other issue is whether or not you remain friends with this guy, assuming he isn't screwing up the trust in your relationship. If your bf doesn't care and isn't going to take this guy seriously then it's really completely your decision, but as people in this thread have said his actions don't seem like those of a friend. You already have some major trust issues with this "friend", and just in my opinion if you're going to be able to trust anyone it should be your friends. Beyond that, my definition of friendship includes friends not maliciously attempting to destroy things that make me happy, which it seems like this guy has been trying to do.
Have you tried confronting your friend about this? Just mentioning that because of things in the past you feel like he's kind of controlling and that it makes it harder for you to trust him which hurts/sucks because you really like having him as a friend but it's making you not really want to hang out/associate with him? Maybe if you let him know that all of the stuff you've told us makes you not want to be friends with him, he'll realize you can walk away from him and will cut it out.
Hell, I have friends who I trust to tell me when I start acting retarded/crazy, maybe it's just that no one has confronted him about it or been willing to tell him, "Hey, you're acting crazy, chill."
The only question I have is: how do you think your friend got your bf's old e-mail address?
I forwarded my boyfriend's pics to him (sent from that email) early in the relationship.
As for how often we would hang out/contact each other...
When I lived in Cincinnati, we basically hung out daily. It was incredibly rare for us to go more than a day or so without talking to each other. Heck, we used to be roommates. Even since moving to Canton, we are in touch nearly daily via LJ, Facebook, or phone. This friend has always taken up a lot of space, friend-wise. It has been difficult over the years to maintain other friendships, because he never cared for my friends, much less my boyfriends.
With that information, I think we can probably say that your friend sent the e-mail. He seems really fixated on having a relationship with you and is using ever escalating measures to ruin your other relationships. Seriously, if this person is impeding you ability to have a relationship or make new friends, then you need to not be their friend. Personally I would confront him with "I know you sent this e-mail," sprinkled with "there is no possibility that we will ever be in a relationship" and "maybe we should stop talking so often."
Just to be clear, I'm saying that this is seriously disturbing behavior.
he is crazy. drop him and make it clear he's dropped.
Also, since his behaviour's getting worse I might be careful about how you "break up" with your friend. He might not handle it well. Not to be overly paranoid, but something to think about...
The gist of it was: This person admits that it was a lie, and that apparently some girl that we bowl with (my BF and I are in a gay bowling league - shut up, it's awesome) has a crush on him, and I've apparently admitted to her that I'm unfaithful. She met this "anonymous friend" on a chat board, and asked him to send the email. Apparently this mystery girl (have I mentioned that the only women in the league are old lesbians?) has been playing us all, and he basically wanted to say "my bad, dudes."
I mean, COME ON. How fucking stupid does my "friend" think I am? This is some ridiculous crazy shit right here.