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Love and Heartache: How do I skip ahead two months?

IskanderIskander Registered User regular
edited February 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
I need help being steadfast and calm for the next two months at least before I can continue fighting for the woman I fell in love with.

This is the gist of the story that follows. Here goes:

It's not necessary for me to list her character traits as a rationale to why I fell in love with her. Suffice to say she woke aspects of me and my personality that I had thought were long gone after a tedious and boring five year relationship. I apologize if this sounds like a stupid teenage romance to some of you. The reason I'm not dealing with this like any other sane person is that I am an incredible clutz and have almost zero experience in this kind of situation. So, Internet, allow me to at least talk it out.

I met this girl four to five months ago. She works for my best friend's company as an artist and he gave her my contact data so she could hit me up with Photoshop or Flash questions. I was processing my recent bearkup at that time and she really only caught my eye around november when we and some other people from my friend's company went to a convention together, then later at halloween which was also her birthday party. I was beginning to get hooked when she showed up at a tabletop tournament I was hosting, which she also designed the flyers and posters for, to do photographs of the event for me.

We started sending emails back and forth in december and in early January actually went out on a date of sorts. That date was the final blow that smote me. We were rather drunk by the end and this late there was no public transport to my place so she offered I spend the night at hers. That night was spent trying but not being able to sleep, talking, playing guitar, general hijinx and cuddling in bed while listening to music on her psp, then breakfast while watching Hitman and finally two hours of sleep in the afternoon of the following day.

Holy shit was my only thought for the rest of the day after she dropped me off at the train station. The last time I had experienced a similar night was with my first girlfriend, nine years ago.

We started seeing each other more frequently after that. The following weekend we watched some dvds and played xbox at my place. I was still high from the weekend before and more or less offered to have her sleep at my place instead of taking her home. I was in fact almost unable to end the night until she ostentatiously started putting on her shoes. I mentioned before that I am a clutz but really, I have absolutely zero intuition when it comes to these situations. She had to be very obvious before it got through to me. Nonetheless, we ended the night well.

The next day we met again and went out to lunch, where she openly told me not to expect anything from her. Not because of me or what I did, mind, she expressly said that she was very interested in me. But because it was a bad time for her. She has been in relationships since the age of 16, without a pause, her ex was in fact still living with her and is only moving out sometime in April (he was away on our first date), and she was otherwise unsure and not able to commit to anything at that time. I did my best to accept the situation and also said that I didn't mind waiting but that I would also not quit fighting. We spent the rest of the night talking in my car until four in the morning, being very open with each other and almost having a pre-relationship interview.

That in itself may not be such a bad prospect. All I had to do was be good to her and have some fucking patience, right? That's what I thought, too.
It was fucking excrutiating, though, seeing someone you have a huge crush on, knowing they like you and are very interested, but not being able to advance beyond simple dating. That's what we did for the next two weeks. I would pick her up from work and we'd go someplace or I'd just take her home and talk. We agreed not to celebrate Valentine's Day but to do things on the day before, Friday 13th instead.

Holy shit, again.

You see, what started as a simple evening watching dvds and eating junk food turned into a complete weekend spent at my place. The kind of weekend you have when you just get together, the perfect weekend just being together, being relaxed and comfortable and in love, having sex, playing videogames, cooking food, having more sex... The most perfect weekend I have had in my entire life. A weekend during which, as she later said, she belonged to me completely.

Before we committed to that weekend though, she came clean: she was emotionally attached to my best friend, her boss at work, knowing he was bad for her but also unable to see clearly because that guy knows perfectly how to push the right buttons at the right time. For him, it was nothing serious. He has a wife and child and was just being (overly) friendly to his employee. She interpreted more into his actions than there really was and this was the main reason she was unavailable to me. Only after she confessed and promised to try and get away from him, and only after I accepted that and the fact that this weekend would remain isolated for now, did she actually commit to being with me for the weekend.

Obviously, being an oversensitive and emotionally starved idiot, I fell in love. Hard. The stomach ache and tears kind of love.

There were more talks and more dates after that Valentine's weekend. She talked to my friend, her boss, and cleared things up with him. She felt stupid for having feelings for a man who obviously didn't mean the same thing she did. She feels better about it now and is progressively detaching herself from him. Her ex - whom she definitely has little feelings for - lives at her place until April and will soon move out.

She again asked me for time, seriously this time, to figure things out for herself and get back on solid ground after being confused and occupied for so long. She wanted me to stop fighting for her so she could distance herself and instead start fighting for me. She wants an actual, real start of a relationship, not some garbled mess that may have been the impulse for her to set things straight, but that would have been a bad beginning for the two of us. What she could NOT promise was that, after a certain time, she would still be interested in me. She wants to fall in love the way I did, not to have to catch up to me emotionally.

This is my current dilemma.

I am willing to give her the time, but I am afraid of so many things.

We're still spending time together, doing stuff, meeting, talking, keeping up contact. I'd like to stay on her mind rather than go away completely for a period of time. Because I'm afraid the distance would grow too big and she will lose interest.
I also may do something stupid like last sunday where - being slightly drunk after a night out and thinking there were no trains going to her place, she wanted to share my taxi and come to my place, only to discover there was actually one last train going - I almost pressed her too hard to still come back to my place and made her uncomfortable. I am afraid that I might repeat this, although I'm good at learning from my mistakes.

This fine line I have to walk is scaring the everloving shit out of me. I have not had to deal with this in my life and I simply don't know how. I'm not even able to form a correct question for you patient people reading this. The stomach ache is still there. I want to keep it up but know that I have to let go in order to bring her to my level. Who knows how things will be in two months? I don't want this to go bad and two months never seemed longer...

Maybe you have experience, maybe you just have opinions. I don't really care, I just wanted to let it all out and maybe talk to people about it before I explode...

Thank you for reading

Iskander on

Posts

  • IskanderIskander Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    dang i type a lot

    Iskander on
  • matt has a problemmatt has a problem Points to 'off' Points to 'on'Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    As cliche as it is, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, its yours. If you've given her the reasons why being with you is a good thing, and she still chooses to go, it wasn't meant to be and it's better off.

    Whatever you do, don't pressure her. She knows what being with you is like. She's not going to forget that. And if she does, she was never really interested in the first place.

    matt has a problem on
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  • IskanderIskander Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    She's not one who lies in these matters, and the things she said about being with me and about myself were only good things.

    Our weekend together, in her words, "felt so good, like we've been together for three years", except the relationship lacked a proper beginning. I have heard nothing but reassurances and compliments from her, that I was a good man and that she liked me too much to hurt me, etc...

    But goddamn if I am not scared shitless of the prospect of not actually getting her a few months down the line...

    Iskander on
  • matt has a problemmatt has a problem Points to 'off' Points to 'on'Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Whatever you do, don't push the issue. If she said wait, wait. If she said wait and you push it, she'll just get mad that you didn't listen.

    matt has a problem on
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  • LiquidSquidLiquidSquid Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    I know it sucks to hear, but all you can do in this situation is wait and give her some time.

    Look at it this way: if you wait, in a few months, she might get everything sorted out and decide she wants to be with you. Maybe, maybe not.

    If you push it, definitely not.

    LiquidSquid on
  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Its not really all that long a time. Feel how you feel, but don't pressure her to feel the same way - lots of times, we say things to others to invoke a reaction, try to stay away from that. 'Really enjoy spending time with you' can be a simple declaration, or it can be a gambit, trying to get the other person to admit the same thing. Keep it to simple, humble, declarations. Give what you can, ask for nothing back.

    If she comes to feel the same way about you, she'll start making those statements on her own. Let her walk forward at her own pace, being patient, understanding, and kind. I'm not saying hide yourself, or start building walls to keep your affections hidden- those sorts of things will only confuse the situation. Just be generous; honestly, spiritually generous. Give to give, not to gain. If it's the right girl, she'll come to do the same of her own accord, and she is asking for your time to grow enough as a person to be able to do so with you.

    All is well. Step forward carefully, but with strength. Show resolve. Grow with her, learn how to do what you need to do, while she learns what she needs to do. Share the experience. There's nothing going on that says it can't be done, only that you have to wait for thing to progress naturally, without force. You can do this, it's only as big an obsticle as you make it out to be. Patience- its a virtue for a reason.

    Sarcastro on
  • HK5HK5 Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    I hate giving pessimistic advice to people in love because 1. that's a hell of a parade to rain all the fuck over and 2. people in love don't listen anyway. But I'm going to do it because maybe it'll help you steel yourself emotionally in case this goes to hell in a handbasket.

    From a female perspective I have to say it doesn't sound good. It sounds like she likes you but when you get really infatuated with someone unavailable (as she is with her boss) it's really hard to not become addicted to that dangerous, exciting feeling you get when you see them. Everything else in your life is second best and I'm afraid I'd have to say that's the position you're in. She is saying good things to you, about you, because she genuinely believes you're a good person and probably likes you a lot, but the fact that the spark is there between her and the guy she can't have doesn't exactly bode well. There is "like" when you meet a person who you are compatible with, who is "good on paper" and who obviously likes you a great deal. This is different from the spark that happens when you meet someone who excites that illogical part of your brain that desperately wants the forbidden fruit.
    What she could NOT promise was that, after a certain time, she would still be interested in me.
    Women say this when they think they probably won't be interested in the long run.

    It sounds like this lady has a lot of chaos in her romantic life and that is something to pay attention to. She lives with her ex and has romantic feelings for a man that is clearly unavailable to her while becoming involved with you. I'm not trying to say you need to find a perfectly emotional stable woman to love but that kind of pattern does spell trouble for you.

    I'm also not saying give up on it because your heart is already obviously deeply involved here. Just don't overwhelm her with your needs. Show off why you are desirable and exciting yourself, without being overly present in her life. She's not going to be emotionally available to you until she gets over the other men and being presented with your strong emotions is going to lengthen and complicate that process. And expect that her predilection for a chaotic emotional life will probably rear its head in the future, should you stay in each others lives.

    HK5 on
  • BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    sad to hear you're coming onto bumps iskander, but you gotta remember this isn't a movie, you gotta give her space if she asked for it and is really giving signs she needs it and isn't being coy (like being uncomfortable at going back to your place)

    i hope it works out, but it is in her court now.

    Belruel on
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  • IskanderIskander Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Belruel wrote: »
    you gotta give her space if she asked for it and is really giving signs she needs it and isn't being coy (like being uncomfortable at going back to your place)

    She wasn't coy as much as that she actually understood her need for space while I pushed too hard for a short-term fix instead of focusing on the long-term goals.

    She's being honest with me and letting me know when I mess up so I can learn not to repeat that. At the very least it feels to me like she genuinely wants me to succeed and is trying to point me in the right direction. Her signs are obvious. I'm an impatient fucker.
    It sounds like she likes you but when you get really infatuated with someone unavailable (as she is with her boss) it's really hard to not become addicted to that dangerous, exciting feeling you get when you see them. Everything else in your life is second best and I'm afraid I'd have to say that's the position you're in. She is saying good things to you, about you, because she genuinely believes you're a good person and probably likes you a lot, but the fact that the spark is there between her and the guy she can't have doesn't exactly bode well. There is "like" when you meet a person who you are compatible with, who is "good on paper" and who obviously likes you a great deal. This is different from the spark that happens when you meet someone who excites that illogical part of your brain that desperately wants the forbidden fruit.

    For what it's worth, I excited the illogical part of her brain enough to have her spend three days in bed with me despite the at that time uncleared situation with her boss. She's rational enough to know he's bad for her. The "spark" was only one-way and now she does feel stupid about having (had) these feelings. From what she said she's realised how foolish she was and that she feels better with it the whole thing being out of her system, but that she'll need time to get over him.

    I don't see the pessimistic picture you're painting (maybe I'm refusing to see it).

    Who knows, I may be thinking too highly of her. But so far she hasn't given me reason to doubt her integrity and honesty.

    I am being a whiny bitch aren't I?

    Iskander on
  • HK5HK5 Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    My point is more that she seems drawn to chaos. Getting involved with you before she resolved her feelings about her boss is just another example of that. Happily ever after is a tough bet with people like that - the excitement of juggling multiple flaming swords is gone and they lose interest. But if she really uses her time and space wisely and successfully resolves her feelings for her boss, then of course there is hope.

    HK5 on
  • ShawnaseeShawnasee Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    There is always hope.

    I'm going to sit here and say that I was in your boat: hopelessly in love, but having to wait.
    I was in a long distance relationship with a woman who had recently gotten divorced, as had I.
    She, understandably, wanted to spend some time being a free agent, and so did I, so she told me she would be dating other guys. This didn't bother me...at first, but as soon as I knew that she was the one (and believe me, I knew) I took myself off the market.
    At the time I couldn't understand why we should want to be with anyone else when we had proclaimed our love for each other. More truthfully, I couldn't understand why she wouldn't take herself off the market when I had. What an idiot I was!

    A month later we were engaged. It took her a little while to finally realize that I am the awesome. :winky:

    That wait, though, was horrible. I constantly felt like she was going to find something better. I was scared.

    I feel for you, but, as others have pointed out...giving her her space is your best option right now. Whatever you do, DO NOT CROWD HER. That old cliche that matthas mentioned fits pretty perfectly here.

    And no, you are not being a whiny bitch. You're scared you're going to lose someone that is very precious to you at the moment. That's perfectly natural.

    Good luck.

    Shawnasee on
  • PkErthbndPkErthbnd Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Here's how I view the situation. You really like this girl, yeah? And from what you wrote, it seems she's rather into you. If you love this woman then you have to be able to understand and allow her whatever she needs. When I had my first serious relationship in college, I would get paranoid any time my girlfriend would go out without me. I would text, call, call again, and text some more all night, and she'd only send maybe one or two messages back, and I wouldn't hear from her until the next afternoon. This led to us almost always fighting, or, even worse, not talking when we were together. I'd always ask "Are you okay? What's wrong?" over and over, which just led to more tension. Needless to say, it didn't last and she broke up with me shortly thereafter.

    All of that to say that if you really, truly love this girl and believe that she's in love with you, then what's the harm in waiting for her? And if, after the two months she doesn't come back to you, then there's no fault in that. Consider it a lesson in love. At least you tried and gave love a chance, and that's what counts in life.

    PkErthbnd on
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