A work stories thread

Dangerous

Work sucks, it's one of the constants of the universe. If nothing else though, we can take solace in the fact that our shitty mind-numbing, soul-crushing jobs sometimes lead to some crazy experiences that make for truly entertaining stories.

So let's hear your funniest, craziest or just plain entertaining work stories!

I've got a couple to get the ball rolling for now, I'll post more though if the thread takes off.


Threaten our employees, win a prize!

Back when I started as cashier at my current place of employment (grocery store) I was working the express lane when an old woman buys $6 worth of cans and wants to cash a cheque. I believe there's a special place in hell reserved for people who want to cash a cheque in the express lane, right beside people who count out exact change all in pennies.

Anyway, I call my supervisor over because they're the only ones who can authorize cheques at our store. She proceeds to look it over and ask the woman for 2 pieces of ID, as has always been store policy. The woman clearly isn't all there and proceeds to dig out any card she can find in her purse to pass it off as ID.

The conversation went something like this.
"Here's my ID."
"Sorry, that's a library card."
"Will this work?"
"No, that's your debit card."
"THIS ONE THEN!"
"That's a fridge magnet." (wtf?)

Things start to escalate as my supervisor and several managers try to explain to the old bat that without valid ID we cannot cash cheques, for your protection and ours. She starts cursing out the supervisor and telling her that she's going to get her daughter to come in and "beat the shit out of her." She finally leaves, swearing to go to the newspaper about how awful our store is and how we're all idiots.

The same woman came back a few times, recognizing my supervisor and threatening her again. Last I heard the store manager apologized to the old woman and gave her a $50 gift card for her troubles. o_O

Not all managers are pussies

Fairly recently one of our cashiers was sexually harassed. I don't know the exact details of what went down, but according to her a man was saying some really disgusting things to her and she ended up in tears. She immediately ran to find the manager on duty, who is a 6 foot 4 hulk of a man. They lost sight of the man for a while, but he was eventually spotted again heading out the door.

The situation basically ended with our manager on duty following the man out to his car and informing him that if he ever sets foot on the property again, he's going to have his legs broken. Probably not the proper way to handle it, but I'm glad someone had the balls to let the sick fuck know we're not going to tolerate that shit around our store.

Shadowfire

I love you for making this thread.

A lot of folks here know I was with Gamestop for 11 years (a manager for 8). Shortly after I met my wife (then fiance), we went to the park near my apartment. There was this little kid there, probably 10, who was running around to different objects in the park, saying "I'm going to fuck this ****" where the splats are a cannon, lightpost, street sign, tree, etc. Then he came over to us and said "hey, I'm going to fuck that bench so you need to get off it." The little shit started making comments about my lady-friend, how I can't satisfy her, she needs a real stud like him... this kid was amazing. Eventually, we just left since we were tired of him.

The very next day, guess who comes into my store.

He came to the counter with 50 Cent: Bulletproof, and noticed that I'm the one at the register. Smiling. Because his mother was there.

"Ma'am, you may want to consider another title for your son. This game is rated M, and may not be appropriate for him, especially considering the way he was acting at the park last night."

After my storytime, she kicked him out the door, and ran him to the car, screaming all the way. It was glorious.

----

Nowadays I work as a front end manager at a grocery store. I've had to kick out a couple people lately. One of them is an old man who likes throwing racial slurs and other insults at just about anyone and anything in the store. Anything, you ask? Yes, apparently our scratch ticket vending machine is a "jew machine" because he never gets winning tickets. I'm a big fat scary guy. One of my bookkeepers is a blond bimbo bitch. We have one black kid working in the store, and I'm sure you can figure out what he was called. The asshole was promptly removed.

----

We've also had the normal assholes trying to cash checks with horrible excuses for IDs. The only checks we cash are printed payroll and government checks. One couple brought in a hand-written payroll check, and the only ID they had was a torn up phone bill. We actually had to call the store manager down to explain to them not only why the check was unacceptable, but the "ID" was as well. The manager stood about arms reach of them, waving his hand and saying "no no, goodbye." These people were throwing a fit, screaming and yelling, and just wouldn't take no for an answer. Eventually, I piped up and said "excuse me, where are your parents?"

Their mouths hung open for a couple minutes, and they just left. It was one of the only times I've been able to render assholes completely speechless. Also, the store manager now uses that line when he can't get people to shut up.


I'm done for now. :P

Elki

Thanks, but no thanks. We're not doing work stories threads anymore.

Tycho wrote:

The somewhat elaborate Cardboard Tube Samurai adventure that we wrote is, if not impossible, certainly improbable from the laptop - unfortunately, this took hours to figure out. It's something that we'll do properly on Wednesday and Friday - for the time being, here are our two offerings as a conciliatory gesture. It turns out that my hotel does have Internet, and it's free, even - but that support is extremely porous. Indeed, it only appears to function properly in a five by five area, easily discernable by the dog pile of geeks all trying to get five bars of wireless signal.

Some details might be in order, though - for example, before this convention, I was not aware that there was a person - Rob Liefeld - who was famous simply for sucking to a great degree. By that calculation, I should be famous for the hundreds of things I'm miserable at. Also, mothers continue to bring their young children to us for sketches when they have absolutely no idea what it is we do, and when they say he can draw whatever he wants, he invariably draws the Fruit Fucker. This doesn't really work out that well for us. When he draws the Fucker itself, everything is okay - it's just kind of an odd robot, his protrusion on the front need not necessarily be a steel phallus. When he adds the ravaged fruit and the accompanying puddle of juice, juice also dripping from his chrome shaft, it becomes more difficult for me to explain.

There is a mystifying mural in the D Concourse of my airport that always fills me with unease. It concerns some vaguely arcane theme, at least, I think it does, but one gets the impression that there are meanings and layers of meaning which lurk at the periphery of awareness.

Beginning at one end of the walkway, a strange narrative surges with aggressive determination, hurtling toward a twist ending that will leave you breathless. A parlor magician and his credulous hobgoblin assistant direct our eyes toward their magical equipment, which looks like a an abandoned miniature espresso stand. Their faces have a pallid, greasy cast and their bone structure is blatant to the point of being ghoulish. The implications are obvious. They are magical ghouls, and you will watch their magic show or be destroyed.

They close the hatch on their espresso stand, which initially makes it look like a spectacular, polychromatic Ho ho. Soon, it resembled a burrito made from the guts of broken kaleidoscopes rolling around on an audio/visual cart. One can only imagine how difficult it was to move their surreal food before. For the next two hundred feet of wallspace, they spin the cart around and around with singleminded purpose, occasionally glancing at the viewer in a threatening way. I've never had the courage to break eye contact with these fiends, as the latent violence of their expression has always produced the necessary stamina.

When the suspense can no longer be borne, the burrito is breached to reveal a hermaphrodite. I don't know if burritos are their larval stage, or what. I have no idea what the fuck it is doing in there. Honestly, the magicians seemed a little surprised too, but they can't make it look like the contents of their own Goddamn burrito were somehow unknown to them. It begs the question - was he always in there? Can hermaphrodites turn invisible? Have we thus far underestimated the hermaphrodite threat?

(CW)TB out.

trucking through the night