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This will eventually stop hurting, right?
Chop Logic
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Background story: I went out with a girl in highschool for 1.5 years. First serious girlfriend, were really in love and all that. I broke up with her because I got bored around Thanksgiving my senior year. We didn't talk for a while. She started talking to me over the summer, I realized I was still in love with her and thought she was getting back in touch with me to get back together. We don't talk for a while. We start talking in September, she comes over, we have sex and talk about getting back together but decide it's a bad idea because we would just end up breaking up again. Just so I don't sound like a creepy ex-boyfriend, we would still call each other our best friend and talk about everything, this wasn't me being weird.
That Christmas break we hangout, I am really still in love with her but we (mostly she) still does not think it's a good idea to get back together. I tell her to call me if she wants to hangout over break. She says she will. She doesn't call. I call her in the middle of February and she doesn't return my call for a few days. I call her back a few times and it becomes obvious she is ignoring me. I call her once more to leave a message and say, "Look, you could of just told me you didn't want to talk, not a big deal, I won't call anymore." After that last call she texts me asking why I've been calling so much, long story short she says she wants to be left alone for a while or something. That's fine, I've told her in the past that I needed to be left alone so it's not a big deal.
Apparently she is seeing someone else (I found this out accidentally). I have basically been a wreck since then. She always said I was her best friend and I always said she was mine. She is the only person in the world I can talk to about anything.
Since breaking up two Thanksgivings ago, I have no met a single girl I have even thought about dating. I haven't even really been attracted to any girls. I go to a school that is literally at least 85% girls, and then way more than half the guys are gay. A girl a few weeks ago told me I could have any girl here that I wanted. Honestly, I am good looking. I am funny, and smart. Girls like me and flirt with me fairly often but I just have no interest in them. This pretty cute girl that lives in my dorm has been trying to hook up with me for a while but I just have no interest in hooking up with her because I think she's an idiot.
I've just been a total wreck since she told me to stop talking to her and I found out she is seeing someone. She once said to me (when we weren't going out), "When you get a girlfriend you can't stop talking to me." And I said, "What?" I wouldn't do that." And she said, good, because that would kill me, not being able to talk to my best friend, and that is exactly what she did to me. I'm depressed all the time. Falling asleep sucks. I have started crying for no reason multiple times, once in front of my friend. Sometimes while eating, sometimes while just sitting around. I try and keep busy all the time so my thoughts don't wander. I haven't really been reading. I haven't really been drawing. I'm in class right now, and I have no homework when I get home, and I'm dreading the time between when I wake up from my nap and when I go to sleep because I know I'm going to be depressed.
There are a few other things going on in my life that I think are also making me depressed but this is the worst. The idea of not being with her again ever kills me. It makes me physically sick. My stomach hurts.
The worst part is that I don't want to care. I should really just be over this. I'm 18. We broke up a few months after I turned 17. I just want to not give a shit but I'm secretly worried I won't find another girl. Like I said, I'm attractive and funny and girls hit on me, but I just don't have any interest in them. I know what kind of girl I want to meet, I just haven't met her yet.
What should I do? I feel like shit all the time. All the time. The only time I haven't felt terrible was just after finishing a really good drawing last week, and that was only for a little bit. I can't watch movies where people fall in love. Most music is depressing. I hate feeling this way because I know it is stupid and I should just meet someone else and forget about it, but like I said, the thought of her with someone else or just not being with her again kills me.
What am I supposed to do. I am so desperate I am venting to a bunch of people online I don't know. There is no one in person I can talk to about this.
That Christmas break we hangout, I am really still in love with her but we (mostly she) still does not think it's a good idea to get back together. I tell her to call me if she wants to hangout over break. She says she will. She doesn't call. I call her in the middle of February and she doesn't return my call for a few days. I call her back a few times and it becomes obvious she is ignoring me. I call her once more to leave a message and say, "Look, you could of just told me you didn't want to talk, not a big deal, I won't call anymore." After that last call she texts me asking why I've been calling so much, long story short she says she wants to be left alone for a while or something. That's fine, I've told her in the past that I needed to be left alone so it's not a big deal.
Apparently she is seeing someone else (I found this out accidentally). I have basically been a wreck since then. She always said I was her best friend and I always said she was mine. She is the only person in the world I can talk to about anything.
Since breaking up two Thanksgivings ago, I have no met a single girl I have even thought about dating. I haven't even really been attracted to any girls. I go to a school that is literally at least 85% girls, and then way more than half the guys are gay. A girl a few weeks ago told me I could have any girl here that I wanted. Honestly, I am good looking. I am funny, and smart. Girls like me and flirt with me fairly often but I just have no interest in them. This pretty cute girl that lives in my dorm has been trying to hook up with me for a while but I just have no interest in hooking up with her because I think she's an idiot.
I've just been a total wreck since she told me to stop talking to her and I found out she is seeing someone. She once said to me (when we weren't going out), "When you get a girlfriend you can't stop talking to me." And I said, "What?" I wouldn't do that." And she said, good, because that would kill me, not being able to talk to my best friend, and that is exactly what she did to me. I'm depressed all the time. Falling asleep sucks. I have started crying for no reason multiple times, once in front of my friend. Sometimes while eating, sometimes while just sitting around. I try and keep busy all the time so my thoughts don't wander. I haven't really been reading. I haven't really been drawing. I'm in class right now, and I have no homework when I get home, and I'm dreading the time between when I wake up from my nap and when I go to sleep because I know I'm going to be depressed.
There are a few other things going on in my life that I think are also making me depressed but this is the worst. The idea of not being with her again ever kills me. It makes me physically sick. My stomach hurts.
The worst part is that I don't want to care. I should really just be over this. I'm 18. We broke up a few months after I turned 17. I just want to not give a shit but I'm secretly worried I won't find another girl. Like I said, I'm attractive and funny and girls hit on me, but I just don't have any interest in them. I know what kind of girl I want to meet, I just haven't met her yet.
What should I do? I feel like shit all the time. All the time. The only time I haven't felt terrible was just after finishing a really good drawing last week, and that was only for a little bit. I can't watch movies where people fall in love. Most music is depressing. I hate feeling this way because I know it is stupid and I should just meet someone else and forget about it, but like I said, the thought of her with someone else or just not being with her again kills me.
What am I supposed to do. I am so desperate I am venting to a bunch of people online I don't know. There is no one in person I can talk to about this.
Chop Logic on
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I am sorry man. Don't waste all of your college years on her. Despite her whatever you see as her good qualities, she isn't doing right by you. Cut off contact, move on, and find someone who appreciates you.
I'd concentrate on school and things you like to do. You aren't Chop Logic and girlfriend. Enjoy being free and doing stupid shit for awhile. (Not too stupid of course).
Even though I think I was in love then, I will meet someone else that will make me realize how stupid this all was? Is that what normally happens?
To be honest, since it was your first major relationship you will likely always have a place in your brain set aside for your relationship with her.
You will definitely meet someone that makes you realize your fears were ridiculous, however.
1)As it was mentioned before, your first major relationship is the one that remains in your memory the longest. It doesn't fade away completely but it does become a non-issue as time passes.
2)Girls you have dated will date other people in the future, and girls you will date have dated other people before you. Understand this and accept it.
and a bonus.
3)Your sense of self worth was determined on whether you had a pseudo-girlfriend. It is time for you to
get over that crutch.
Thing is, if you obsess over the idea that you will never meet someone else, you won't. This isn't a "you have to stop looking for something to discover it" kind of zen thing. It's simply "people aren't attracted to depressed wrecks" and "if you're obsessing over an old fling you're not out looking for the new fling."
It's no different than sitting at home by yourself bitching that you don't have any friends. New friends are not at your house already -- you need to go out and discover where they are. And they're not going to be that interested if all you do is, when you meet them, bitch about how you don't have any friends. They'll say "with an attitude like that I'm not surprised. See ya."
I'm not saying you need to go be a crazy uninhibited due out in public. But you're obsessed with your loneliness right now, and you perceive your ex girlfriend as the only cure.
please don't feed me a line about some idealistic future... my heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures.
Let it go... there is no closure like time.
This is the time to call them up and go do something active. Driving ranges are pretty sweet and relatively cheap, but really there's lots to do and it sounds like you have the time.
Don't get yourself in the habit of feeling sorry for yourself because you let this one get away. You had your reasons to leave her and now that she's moved on its pretty normal to feel like this.
If you want a little insight, don't take her asking for alone time personally. If it was her first relationship too it would be pretty emotional on her side to have to tell her first serious bf and later best friend that she'd found a new guy.
Secondly, try not to dwell on your loneliness and how much it hurts. Trust me on this; Once you start focusing only on how depressed you are it's very easy to fall into a spiral where it just keeps getting worse and worse until your whole life falls apart.
Finally, why not try going out with one of those girls who are always flirting with you? Even if you don't really think a relationship would ever be possible with them, what harm could it do? You can go out, have some fun, and maybe, just maybe, find someone you like enough to get into a relationship with.
It's perfectly normal to feel how you are. The first love will always stick with you, and it will hurt for a long time. But yes, it eventually will get better. You'll always remember her, but eventually she'll just be a memory of a person you once knew.
Just try to stay interested in what you're doing, and most importantly stay committed in school, since that's your future you're talking about and eventually you will get over this, and you don't want to have a shitty academic record because of it, which could change the course of your whole life. You don't have to want to be in a relationship right now, and that's fine, but there's no reason to drag this shit around with you. Yeah, it hurts, and it sucks. We've all been there. But you can't let it defeat you. You have to be able to let someone go.
I know at 18 it seems like your whole life was wrapped up in this person but it really wasn't. You've got goals, things you want to accomplish, places you want to go and a certain kind of person you want to be. And if you don't have those things, start trying to figure out what they are so you can go about achieving them. This romance situation will work itself out. It always does, dude. Just stick with it.
First, yes, it will get better, cutting off contact and moving on with your life will do wonders to facilitate this as well. But from your OP, it sounds like you only became sad/messed up once you heard she was seeing someone else, and this is common. It's hard to hear that someone you've been intimate with is now with someone else. It'll drive you nuts, as I'm sure it has been for you. I recently had an ex do this exact same thing to me, Dark_side of 21 would have been on suicide watch for a month, but Dark_side of today is just happy someone else now has to put up with my ex's bullshit. The fact of the matter is, you both discussed it and agreed that dating wasn't going to work. If you harbored these kind of feelings, you should have made it known when you had the chance. I hardly think she's the girl you're in love with for life if you already got bored of her in the past. (Which is fine, happens to lots of couples.)
You don't find any other girls attractive because you're all messed up over this one because now she's with someone else, put simply, you're jealous. Fact is, she's not your property, and were the tables turned I'm sure you would be pretty put out if she suddenly wanted to be back with you once you started dating another girl too. There's not a whole lot you can do to rectify the situation, other than cut off contact and move on with your life, perhaps you two shall meet in the future and it will be right, but until then there are so many fish in the sea, one's just not worth all the heartache.
Of course I understand you can't just turn these feelings off, but you have to slowly work at not thinking about her, don't call her, hang out with friends, and have a good time. Life is far to short to waste time over the fickle feelings of the opposite sex.
Few people die regretting that they did too much, and those that do are probably lying or heroin addicts. Vast, vast numbers of people die regretting that they did too little. By your mid-twenties you will most likely find that meeting new people - particularly in budding relationships - is much more difficult and limited by time and space than it is at the moment. Cliche Alert, but you will never again get the same chance to be young & free.
Don't waste the time you have at the moment on someone who clearly isn't interested anymore.
Also, don't try and be noble and be her friend because that clearly isn't working out. Email her in a year or so, maybe when you're in a stable relationship which will prevent you from trying to get back together with her, and keep in touch from there. As it stands, you simply should and can not be friends with this girl without doing serious emotional harm to yourself.
Also, you had a terrible reason for not getting back together. Not to sound condescending, but what the hell man. Now, if you meant to say "it wouldn't be worthwhile because it wouldn't be a good relationship," I'll grant that's a good reason. Any relationship you enter into has two logical outcomes: pain or death. That doesn't mean they aren't worth pursuing. Relationships are a now to near-future thing until they become very serious.
EDIT: get on OKCupid or something, realizing there are other neat, attractive women who might think you are the same around you may help your healing process.
This right here makes me think that the girl was less of a "soul-mate" (whether romantically or platonically) and more of an intersection of convenience and inexperience.
It goes without saying that you're going to get over her and move on, but I think you need to look back at your time with her with an unbiased eye. I think you're going to see that a lot of what you thought was such a DEEP EMOTIONAL connection at the time was just the result of immature (in the sense of experience) hormonal and emotional reactions to shared space and experiences.
I do think that you're possibly chemically depressed, if only because you're used to having this girl around to bump up your serotonin levels and, now that she's absolutely unavailable, you're having a serotonin deficit. I'm very hesitant to suggest you seek treatment, though, since it's something that everyone goes through and something that you will certainly recover from.
In short (too late), gut it out, take Occam's razor to your memories of this girl, and hang in there. Things will get better.
You'll get over it and in a few years be like, "what was that girls name?"
They're are 3 billion +/- on the planet. They're not unique, they're not special. Mathematically it's impossible not to meet another girl who might be "the one" considering there are millions out there.
You said you were bored of how the relationship was progressing all those moons ago, and yet are dwelling on the fact that she is with another gentleman now. If you saw the relationship as boring back then, why would you try to convince yourself that things would be different now? What you are doing is reflecting back upon the 'good times' that you spent with her, and are looking ONLY at those good times. This is natural. This is something that I did after my break up of eight and a half years (my first relationship, as well). Only recently have i really come to terms with what had happened, because i started looking at everything logically--not with my heart. Being logical is far more difficult than 'thinking with your feelings' (usually a bad idea).
As bad as it may seem to you now, you need to stop idealizing the relationship you had with her. It was not perfect, as you had made evident, so why are you thinking it is so perfect now? She is not a goddess who possesses no faults, and thinking as such will only make you feel worse about your situation. Sometimes you need to see the 'bad' in a person in order to get past roadblocks. It requires a hell of a lot more energy than feeling bad for yourself, but man, does it work wonders. Be real with yourself, my good fellow. By lying to yourself that 'this was the best relationship ever', you will only make it harder to let go---and since it was your first relationship, how the heck do you know it was so awesome anyway?
Go out with friends. Do things you normally wouldn't do. I had never been to a bar in my life before my break up (I've been 21 for ~9 months). I have been out to a bar on about ~10 separate occasions since then, and have had an absolutely great time. I do not get plastered by any means, but you are out, doing something to take your mind off of your problems, with friends. Friends are friends for a reason, they know what it's like, and they won't make you feel bad about it at all. Why I was so opposed to it before, was because I was comfortable leading my life of convenience with my ex-girlfriend--introducing another variable was not something I wanted to do. Break your routine, experiment, and work out. It is all for the best.