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"I just don't feel the way I used to anymore"
Strain 121
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Okay, so my girlfriend recently broke up with me. I asked her why, being the inquisitive sort that I am, and I got the same reason I got with the only other relationship I've ever had - "I'm just not attracted to you anymore. You're a cool guy, I just couldn't pretend to be interested in you as anything more than that any longer." Both relationships were about 2 months long total, both ended rather abruptly with that same "reason".
So, now this is looking to be a problem. I have a few ideas as to what could be the cause, and I'm looking to you for advice on how I can break this trend.
- Lack of progress. With the first relationship, we never moved passed kissing each other. No making out at all. In the second one, I was "rarin' to go", but she had a problem just kissing me, so we only ever "kissed" like 4 times throughout. There was, overall, a whole lot more physical contact in the second relationship though. I remember the way I felt when I first put my hand into my second ex's hand, compared to the way it felt a couple weeks ago, and I can see where she would start to feel a lack of real attraction there. So, is this a big factor or what?
- Not seeing each other often. In both relationships, circumstances became as such that we couldn't just "hang out" at each other's houses. For one, my house is ridiculously tiny, and you really can't help but see the other members of my family every couple minutes unless you go to my room, which I've been told is an "uncomfortable" place for young high school couples to be. In the second relationship we couldn't even really see each other outside of big group activities or school because her parents didn't even know (she didn't want to tell them, and they are her rides to places). So how big of a deal is this, and how can I fix this? I felt in the second one that there was really no way to get private time with her, and in the end this made my hands tied as we talked about wanting to do things but never actually could.
- In both relationships, it was the girl's first. How does this affect things? Would getting with a "more experienced" girl be helpful?
I guess that's the questions I have.. thanks.
So, now this is looking to be a problem. I have a few ideas as to what could be the cause, and I'm looking to you for advice on how I can break this trend.
- Lack of progress. With the first relationship, we never moved passed kissing each other. No making out at all. In the second one, I was "rarin' to go", but she had a problem just kissing me, so we only ever "kissed" like 4 times throughout. There was, overall, a whole lot more physical contact in the second relationship though. I remember the way I felt when I first put my hand into my second ex's hand, compared to the way it felt a couple weeks ago, and I can see where she would start to feel a lack of real attraction there. So, is this a big factor or what?
- Not seeing each other often. In both relationships, circumstances became as such that we couldn't just "hang out" at each other's houses. For one, my house is ridiculously tiny, and you really can't help but see the other members of my family every couple minutes unless you go to my room, which I've been told is an "uncomfortable" place for young high school couples to be. In the second relationship we couldn't even really see each other outside of big group activities or school because her parents didn't even know (she didn't want to tell them, and they are her rides to places). So how big of a deal is this, and how can I fix this? I felt in the second one that there was really no way to get private time with her, and in the end this made my hands tied as we talked about wanting to do things but never actually could.
- In both relationships, it was the girl's first. How does this affect things? Would getting with a "more experienced" girl be helpful?
I guess that's the questions I have.. thanks.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Strain 121 on
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Other than that, you need to start developing a more mature expectation of relationships. It's not all about first time thrills, you have to make an effort to get to know each other, develop genuine intimacy (as in, having personal experiences together not shared by anybody else - and I don't mean sex, I mean just...little incidental things. You can have private time together in cafes or the theatre or down at the beach,. Private time doesn't have to entail sex) and make mature commitments to the relationship (which if you are still in highschool is an unrealistic proposition).
Long term relationships are built on bonds. If sexual experiences are the only bonding experiences you're aiming for then all of your future romances are destined to failure. Start thinking more creatively.
Please refrain from passing such ridiculous normative judgments.
I agree with everything else you said.
Here is a practical idea for keeping the spark alive, OP:
Get a 30-sided die from an FRP store. Each number on the die represents a day of the month. At the beginning of every month, roll the die, and mark the number on your calendar. On that day, do something special with your girlfriend, something you don't normally do. Plan ahead and use some creativity. Make sure there is nobody else involved. The randomness of rolling the die will keep it unpredictable, which is an important aspect of keeping the spark alive (familiarity and predictability makes the relationship boring, and will undermine attraction).
It's also important that you can see each other fairly often, and in a private place. Not necessarily for having sex, but for talking and spending time alone with each other. The ability to get some privacy is very important.
Don't worry about it too much. You're in high school, and you live with your parents (who have a lot of power over your life), which aren't exactly ideal factors for intimate relationships. If you're under 18, escalating the relationship to more physical levels shouldn't be an issue either (but that doesn't necessarily say anything about the length of the relationship).
Any other advice I can offer would be more general and probably wouldn't help.
That being said, I wouldn't recommend choosing to start or not to start up with a girl just because of her level of previous dating experience. If it works then good, if it doesn't, at least you tried.
No.
They aren't old enough to have sex, they aren't old enough to have kids, they aren't old enough to rent an apartment, they aren't old enough to get a mortgage, they are still in school so they won't have stable careers and their lives are still entirely dependent upon their parents. All they have are dreams, which count for something but not enough to build a long term stable relationship on.
Sure, I was being somewhat glib. A high school relationship doesn't have to have a two month time limit on it and can easily last through high school into adult life, but achieving that is essentially a 'sit and wait process' which most teenagers don't have the stamina, willpower or desire to do.
Which isn't a bad thing either. High school dating gives you a good opportunity to experience relationships with the opposite sex without any real risk or commitment which helps give you time to make decisions on how you want to spend the rest of your life, not just in terms of your career but also your personal and family life. Of course your relationships are short lived in high school - it's because the girls you are dating aren't ready to commit themselves to a single direction in life at this point. High school is all about keeping your options open.
But anyway, I agree with the rest of what you say. Not having the sex issue front and centre at this point in your life is a crucial opportunity to practice all the other aspects to dating which will be much more valuable to you in later life. My wife appreciates the fact that I can provide for her emotionally more than the fact that I can provide for her physically. Take the chance to practice all the other aspects to a relationship while you can and while all your high school girlfriends may not last for ever, you'll both take away much more from the experience.
Most of all, though, if it doesn't work out, then just let it go. There are plenty of puppies in the pound.
The judgmental part of your advice is not helpful. It is based on your personal opinion. I'm not going to get into an argument with you and turn this into a D&D thread, but know that what you did is against the rules.
The OP sees a problem in his past relationships and wants to change. That is all that matters. It is not your place to tell him what he should and should not do; you're not his dad. And contrary to what you might believe, it is possible to offer advice without passing judgments based on what you think is right or wrong.
To the OP: Can you change your tiny house, or make yourself less busy with schoolwork? Can you somehow own a car or your own apartment, so you have more privacy and can go do what you want?
High school relationships are all either very short or very long. The short ones happen because people are experimenting. They may or may not like what they get into, and almost everyone has preconceived notions of what a relationship should be. To you, you may think they should be longer, or involve sex, or whatever. To her, they may involve some other thing -- going out to movies a lot, you taking her to dinner, whatever. It doesn't matter who thinks what, but rather that it simply shows there's plenty of unrealistic thought in high school
And the long relationships happen because people like each other enough that it's not worth breaking up -- it's convenient. Note how many long term HS relationships end with HS.
main advice to the OP: Don't sweat it, you're young, and don't change yourself to try to attract a girl whose only difference is that she's more into you. Be yourself, and look for a girl who's into the actual you. You have plenty of time to get into relationships, and don't expect the next one to last forever. If it does, great! If it doesn't, keep your head up and try again. Plus, there's always college and beyond!
As you can see, normative judgments (i.e. you shouldn't pass normative judgments) can be annoying. Thanks for proving my point.
I think there is a difference between saying "relationships in highschool don't go beyond kissing for two months and breaking up" and saying "relationships in highschool shouldn't go beyond kissing for two months and breaking up."
I can agree with the former. The latter is just retarded bullshit.
Maybe I'm picking on something little here, but I generally have a problem with people who do that kind of shit. Pet peeve.
Ahhh! Right. Yeah, I meant 'don't' or 'wouldn't'. Well, I meant 'shouldn't' but because they don't typically do anything else other than that, rather than it being part of my moral values. They 'shouldn't' go beyond kissing and then breaking up after two months because that's the status quo for high school relationships, it's par for the course, anything else is an unexpected anomaly. It's like saying when I turn on the bathroom light that I've just wired a new switch to, the light shouldn't explode and short all the appliances in the house because it didn't the last few times I turned it on. I'm not going to flat out say it won't though, because I don't have the conviction of belief in my DIY skills to lay claim to the infallibility of the switch I've just wired in.
ie:
All expectations and previous experiences would lead one to believe that high school relationships shouldn't progress beyond kissing for two months and then breaking up. This phenomenon can be at least partially explained by a combination of unrealistic expectations in a mixed sex relationship, lack of independence, lack of experience and a general unwillingness and/or inability to commit to more serious relationship plans and advances.
Maybe that's a slightly incorrect use of the word?
Ege, if there's anything that needs to be modded, you should be PMing me, not playing meta-mod.
I guess I could say that our "mutual attraction levels" would rise and rise until we got to the "most intense" thing to do was kissing, and then it would just take a nosedive or something. Until it gets there, everything is completely fine.
Yeah she had some minor issues like that. She didn't feel that her dad should know for some reason so it was like "...okay." I tried talking to her about it but it didn't really have any effect.
We liked each other, but not that much. Don't worry about it. As you keep dating you'll figure out what you're looking for.
Perhaps the parents aren't keen on her dating yet?
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I'm about to get involved in a relationship and it'll be the girl's first major one. I just got over a minor (to me) breakup about a month ago and basically leapfrogged to this next girl, or at least that's what I'm telling myself, because I have better things to worry about than sit around and mope about how I broke up with a girl.
The activites in the quote are what I did in the last relationship. However instead of sitting at my house watching a movie it was basically a lot of cuddling/petting on cross country busrides. I never took it to my house because my parents hated the girl and I didn't even care for her much anyway, I was just looking for some fun.
The next one I'm looking at I actually have interest in, and I know she has interest in me. My parents are not keen on the idea of having a girl alone in a room with me, unsupervised. "It isn't that we don't trust you, it's that we don't know what will happen when hormones get control of you" bullshit.
The OP seems like he'll be having the same problem as me so I'm bringing this up. Where can you do something like this if neither person in the relationship has a car? The only places we can date are public places - a park, the mall, the movies, etc. but, as gay as it sounds, cuddling and all of that mumbo jumbo really do help to relax and deal with stress as well as help to bond with one another.
Where are places to do this without a car, without trust at home, and you are basically confined to public places? I, also, am not looking for sex, but I'd definitely like to have private time?
Another factor is that even if I did convince my parents to let her come to my house, or vice versa, we live about 40-50 minutes away, and since neither of us can drive this really isn't too high up on the "We'd be happy to do that" list of my rents.
In that way, a more "experienced" girl might be better, as she'll know better what she's looking for, and, if she takes to you, it's a sign that you fit that mold.
The last "inexperienced" girl I dated was very unsure of herself, or, more accurately, of what she really wanted from our relationship. We began it as "We're not diving headfirst into anything, we can take it as slowly/quickly as we feel is right," (more like "she can," as I wanted to accomodate her inexperience and the issues it would invariably bring up), but, after a little while, she almost seemed torn by whether or not she wanted something more committed or not.
Needless to say, we're still friendly, but the breakup came not too long afterwards.
That all being said, the rule of thumb for any girl you might be interested in a legit relationship with is that it's best to hang out, date, and get to know each other first before anything "serious." That whole process could take as much as a month, depending on how busy you both are or how well you knew each other before hanging out/dating, but it gives you the time to figure out if you're really a match or not. If you're not, then breaking it off will be a lot easier, as you haven't committed to anything serious yet, anyway.
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A. you get into a relationship
B. a few months later you feel trapped and leave
lather rinse repeat
Now, I'm not entirely familiar with the American school system; but at high school you're, what, 15, 16, 17?
I'd say that as soon as you have hair on your balls and are mature enough you're old enought to have sex.
Passing judgement in such a way based on age - although based on the post, you may be correct in this case - is an unwise move.
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Eh. I was assuming Age of Consent was 18. I think it is by default federal law, but state laws can go as low as 16. So, ok, they might be old enough to have sex.
I approve of this message, no matter how much stupid American high schoolers that got knocked up you know, that doesn't take away that we are talking about people, who have the right to be talked to without any bias based on their age. Edit: Agh, Szech meant the law, guess I don't care enough about that to think he meant that.
Of course, more 'progress' as the OP calls it, with more 'experienced' girls is only advisable if that relationship is truly ready for that. Being intimate can't fix a relationship that isn't going to work out. I think your second assertion, that you couldn't see them enough and the parents didn't know/wouldn't approve had a lot more impact on the relationship than whether she thought it was OK to stick it in the butt.
If you want to have a relationship work out, both persons have to take it seriously, but you lacked the time and place to take it seriously, and that's hard to fix. Don't be afraid to ask for that time and space from your/her parents, you want to let her and your family know you don't beat around the bush, and are dependable. Don't be afraid to get 'the talk' from her parents, seriously, just ask about it before they do. If you think your relationship will fail because of it, it obviously isn't strong enough.
That doesn't mean it's right, or that those who do it are mature enough to handle it. But it's not illegal for a 15 yr old to have sex with a 16 yr old.
The OP isn't too worried about sex, though. I also don't get the impression he's worried about "going further." I think he's concerned more with finding a girl that lasts, and that he can spend quality time with without it "getting weird."
Unfortunately, that pretty much is the name of the game until you get your own place. I had girlfriends who were sexually active but had no interest in anything involving a lack of clothes whilst parents were upstairs. Even if parents were upstairs and had gone to bed -- it felt "weird" to them. I can't blame them, mind, but that was just what I had to deal with when I was in high school.