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A Difference of Beliefs
hesthefastest
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Here's the deal: My girlfriend and I have been going out for over a year and a half. We met at Bible College and we love each other very much. We both would like to keep this going, but there's a problem (of course). I no longer believe in God. From my experience at Bible college and my questions with unsatisfactory answers, I no longer have enough faith. I recently told my girlfriend this and she has since broken it off (or we "took a break"). She simply cannot continue the relationship if we dont share the same faith. She cant deal with another person she loves that has no hope, both presently and eternally. She cant raise kids with a parent that doesnt believe.
This issue used to be really important to me, but now I honestly cant care less about faith. I would gladly believe again if it meant regaining my old life and girlfriend. Yet, I cant just force myself to believe. I talked with my pastor and he had some good things to say, but much of his reasoning was shallow and wrong. I feel like I have to choose between happiness and reality.
If anyone has the magic words to remedy this situation, now's the time...
This issue used to be really important to me, but now I honestly cant care less about faith. I would gladly believe again if it meant regaining my old life and girlfriend. Yet, I cant just force myself to believe. I talked with my pastor and he had some good things to say, but much of his reasoning was shallow and wrong. I feel like I have to choose between happiness and reality.
If anyone has the magic words to remedy this situation, now's the time...
hesthefastest on
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If you don't want to go to church, she'll be hurt and angry. You'll resent her for wanting you to waste part of your weekday/weekend.
If she spends time praying, you'll find it hard not to at least think that she's wasting her time. And sooner or later, those thoughts spill out into words.
And worst of all, if you end up being serious enough to get married, even if you don't care that the ceremony is religious, if you end up having kids, you're going to have a massive problem deciding how big a role religion will play in their life. If you don't believe in God, you're practically honor-bound to make sure your kids aren't poisoned with religious thinking. If you do believe in God, you're honor-bound to make sure they grow up with a good foundation in God.
It's just not going to work out. Sorry.
I second not lying about it.
I'd want to be in a relationship where my significant other loves me no matter what.
Yeah, this is the other side of that coin. Given your history, it's probably safe to say you were a pretty religious person in the past. Do you really want to stay with a girl who's going to abandon you when you're going through a crisis of faith?
It states in his OP that she does love him, but simply cannot be with someone not sharing her faith.
This is an "easy" one. It is over. You went to Bible college, and so did/does she. You know she will not want to be yoked with an non-believer. It would be a disservice to you both to continue it with such an issue hanging over your heads. Part of me though holds out hope that you someday will come back, but for now it is probably best for both if you separate.
It is extremely important -- in my opinion -- that two people with designs on children be standing on the same ground and moving down the same path in their beliefs -- and be firm in those beliefs. I know my wife would not have married me if I was not a believer. She told me often during our dating that faith was so very important to her, and I had no doubts she would have sent me packing if I told her I no longer believed in God. I think she would have tried to bring me back, but in the end she would have still loved me, but broke it off.
All due respect, but most religious people go through crises of faith sometime in their lives. If your partner isn't willing to help you work through yours, you're better off finding a stronger partner.
Couples with different religious beliefs can end up staying together despite differences, it's not automatically a lost cause.
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Not to sound cliche, but there's plenty of fish in the sea. It is easy to say that, and harder to take advantage of it, but there's no sense in wasting your time on somebody who won't accept you. There are so many others out there that will.
Only you can really weigh up whether you're prepared to sacrifice your relationship or your philosophical beliefs and which you'd be happier with. If you are staunchly anti-religion then it might not work, but if you simply don't really give a crap then the realist in you might see the sense in favouring what's real - the girl and your relationship with her - over what is a matter of personal belief.
Really, you know the choice presented to you and as much as people here can give you their personal opinion on which direction they would choose and speculation on the various outcomes of each choice, only you can really make the decision for yourself and experience what the outcome may be. As someone who claims to have turned their back on the moral absolutes of religion, you should be free to make this choice without hypocrisy.
If this moral ambiguity scares you, maybe you'd be better off back on the pews.
Well if she's willing to dump him over his beliefs, I don't understand.
She obviously loves something more than him.
Being a Christian girl shes probably already thinking long term family, kids, and how to raise them and how hard it will be when their father doesn't share her faith.
She's going to see your guys' relationship as being unequally yoked and will stay that way till you turn around.
My advice is that you ask her to be patient and pray not for answers, but for glorifying change.
I can tell you still have feelings of love for her, but you might have to come to grips with the fact that you might not end up together.
The worst thing you can do is come back to the faith for reasons other than their original purpose. That would be pretty much lying to her and yourself.
PM me your questions. Can't guarantee answers, but i can guarantee an educated ear without the ignorant sunday school replys. I'd be happy to help you reach your resolve.
It's for the best, and here's why: If she will walk away over that, over ideological stuff - your faith, what will happen when the shit that REALLY wrecks marriages hits the fan?
Kids, sex, and money, primarily. The material, practical stuff that marriages are built around and for despite the religious trapping some people associate with it.
She would not have weathered the storm with you. It's for the best - I hope you find someone who wants you for you, no matter what's going on with your faith.
Welcome to the world of rational thought, it is very daunting to accept that there probably is no higher power in the universe other than gravity, light and random chance but it is a good thing that you have managed to make the leap though it may not always feel that way.
As for your girlfriend as an agnostic I have found it nearly impossible to even maintain friendships with devout Christians let alone relationships because they see it as their god given duty to convert you. She will never accept your decision and even if she did stay with you it would only be out of some misguided hope that she can turn you back. As much as it hurts to walk away its better that you do it now than struggle on pointlessly with this because trust me this isnt a gap you can bridge over.
There's lots of reasons you could love someone and also not want to carry on with a long-term relationship; disagreement about having kids, religion, heck even what city you want to live in. There are some that doom a relationship no matter how much the two people love each other, apparently for her that thing is belief in god.
Really, you want someone who will look past any differences. Faith just happens to be a big one.
Compromise, etc. I know faith isn't something people usually consider compromising on, unfortunately, but if you want a relationship to be successful with someone of a different one, that's what you both have to do.
And it seems like people are being a little too critical of the girl. Just because she decided on this doesn't mean she would drop out of the relationship when they hit something else hard, like kids, or money, or sex. In fact, it seems to me like she simply doesn't want to go through things like that with someone who doesn't share her faith, which I can completely understand. My wife and I have already experianced troubles and hardships, and our shared faith is something that helped us get through.
And I say that as an atheist.
1) Relationships between people of different faiths (or lack thereof) can work, but only if both parties are willing to be tolerant and accepting. My dad is Catholic and my stepmom is Jewish bordering on agnostic and they have been happily married for over 20 years.
2) You should not return to a religion for anyone but yourself. If you do, you're a hypocrite and a liar. But that is not to say that you shouldn't keep working at it for your own sake, to try to answer the questions you have.
3) If someone is so ready to jump ship instead of trying to help you work through your crisis of faith, that person isn't worth your time and energy. And if that person gives you an ultimatum--believe or get lost--then start packing your proverbial bags. See number 2 for details.
Really? Do you have no hope? I doubt that a lot.
Your faith is your business. I am Jewish. I am also a biology student who believes in evolution and the whole bit. Honestly? I see no real conflict between the scientific views of evolution and a faith in God. I think that people who refuse entirely one or the other will only ever be able to see half the picture, and I guess that's up to them.
I think you should rethink your views. Not for her, but for you. I'm sure you've been doing that over and over, but try to keep doing it anyway until have something you can believe, whatever that may be. God, no God, it's whatever you decide. Then try to keep in mind that faith in a god and faith in no god come from the same place. You're still a person and far from hopeless.
If she doesn't want to marry someone whose beliefs are different from hers, and yours differ, it's probably not going to work. I don't have magic words to fix that, but it's not your fault. It's not her fault either. It just one of those things that happens, and be really glad it happened now as opposed to later, just after your marriage and first child on the way. I have a friend who, like you, met his wife at Bible school (seminary, to be specific). His wife is AoG, and as time went on he came to realize that his true faith lies with the Orthodoxy. He doesn't want to lose his children, which is wife threatened would happen if he took Communion. Ugly stuff.
Now, I do understand what you're going through... I live in a city where a college named after disgraced televangelist Oral Roberts is somehow taken seriously. And I know the kind of crap you have to go through at Bible College... forcing you to attend services X number of times a week, extremely strict moral restrictions on your outside activities, saying (or strongly implying) that people who disagree with you are going to hell, etc. etc.
This is NOT all of Christianity.
Christianity encompasses a wide spectum of faiths. Of course there's the difference between Protestants and Catholics, but there's also differences between denominations. Hell, there's differences within denominations. One Methodist church might say alcohol is evil, another in the same town might have no problem with it. Personally, I'm Unitarian Universalist... it's a denomination that takes an open, intellectual approach to faith, encourages exploration and differences of opinion, and doesn't even require belief in God. I'm a laid-back, curious agnostic, so that fits me quite nicely.
OP, though I realize religion has been hammered into you like a giant cartoon mallet, but it might be a good idea to explore what's out there. You might decide you still don't believe in God, and that's absolutely fine. Or you might stumble into something that absolutely resonates with you and rekindles your faith in a new, healthy way. What the end result becomes doesn't matter, but coming to terms with what your true spirituality (or lack thereof) really is can help you grow as a person.
But, back to the matter at hand. Yeah, if your girlfriend can't accept that you don't share her faith entirely, then it's done. Interfaith relationships only work if both people are willing to compromise, and it sounds like she's not willing.
However, as Cloudeagle said, not all religions/divisions of Christianity are quite so extreme and rigid as what you've been exposed to. If you're interested in trying it, you could always try looking into these more moderate avenues. Take heart in knowing you're not the first person from a rigidly religious background to lose your faith. But you should only do this to satisfy your own religious curiousity - not as a way of bargaining with her.
But the most important thing is, once again, to be honest with her about how you feel, and of course to be honest with yourself about what you feel and believe.
You are going through a crisis of faith. You might eventually regain it and happily return to your church. More likely, I think, you will continue to doubt; however, you will hopefully eventually realize that you're just as capable of being a happy, complete person that way.
Either way, you're evaluating your life in a big way. If she really just dropped you soon after you explained your doubt to her, then yeah, she has very different priorities than you. Sounds like she might place more importance on having a happy, Christian life and family than on you, specifically. I think someone who really, deeply cared about you would at least spend some time trying to work through your doubt with you. It would certainly be understandable if eventually you addressed your differences and parted ways. That's not what you described, though, and maybe she just needs a person as a friend and accessory on her journey to God, not as a truly valued partner in life.
I also don't think she's selfish to break things off now instead of hanging around and hoping you regain your faith. It doesn't sound like this is a decision you made quickly or lightly and it doesn't sound like you will be regaining your faith any time soon. Considering you might never regain your faith I see this as no different than the thread we had where a married couple came to the conclusion they each had very different beliefs on having children. Waiting and hoping one partner will change their mind on a make or break issue is not healthy.
I second the above poster also, she would never feel comfortable just letting you be, she would see it as her obligation to re-convert you, and that would likely get old rather quickly. The issue of children is also a huge deal. She won't want her kids, "Going to hell" and that is sort of a big deal to believers.
Now I sympathize completely. I am an atheist who was raised as a very conservative Christian, went to a private religious school, did all the church stuff, etc. I can even understand that you might feel like you have no hope, but you don't need God to have hope, or morality, or purpose. You don't need to feel like you have a giant hole in your life, because you don't. I don't, and most mature non-believers don't.
I'll stop at that though, I doubt you need preaching from either side of the aisle, but I think everyone can see you need some emotional support and if you don't know how to get that without your religious structure don't despair, we can help.
I should have put in my post last night that I was basing it off of the assumption that they had already gone through discussions on the differences and their future. My assumption could be completely wrong.
Now, we could go around and around about whether she has an obligation to help him through a crisis of faith beyond whatever responsibilities some of us may feel she has given she is only his girlfriend and as a believer helping spread the Word. But, as I said I am basing this on the possibly wrong assumption that they had tried to work through some of this already.
All due respect again, but there's a HUGE chunk of people who never, ever seriously sit down and question their faith. They just believe what they've been told/raised to believe and react violently to anything that might require them to think. Then again I've lived all my life in various parts of the Bible Belt.
I'm also hesitant to label what the OP's going through as a "crisis" of faith. A crisis would be when a person really, really wants to believe but can't, and there's a chance he might go back to what he formerly believed. The OP sounds like he's pretty comfortable with where he is and has come to this conclusion after a great deal of thought (though I'd encourage him to go exploring anyway to be 100% sure of what he personally believes in).
Also, unless this truly is a crisis of faith and you begin to believe again, your relationship with your girlfriend is over. Faith is important to her even if it's not important to you anymore, and you have to respect that.
Totally agree with this. She needs to be able to have faith in her PARTNER first. The sad part is, is it worth her giving up a great relationship in today's society, to try to find someone else who has the same amount of faith in God as she does, but is a total SCHLEP in everyday life? If you guys have had a great year and a half together, she's going to be very mistaken trying to start over now.
Believe in who you're WITH IN LIFE, first. Ending a good relationship, over something that you won't get 100% confirmation on until the day you DIE, is crazy in my book.
"Jesus and I love you"- Orgazmo (sorry had to include that)
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As crazy as it may be to you, thats how many people of the faith view it. As another poster pointed out, even in a Christian marriage, you are to love God more than your partner. I'll admit I've even had trouble wrapping my mind around that one. But I think it comes down to by loving and obeying God, you would be a better spouse. But thats as far as we'll go for this thread
I highly doubt this anyways, but especially if shes as pious as he makes her out to be.
I accept this in the spirit it was given.
Thanks for the posts guys. They covered all the stuff thats been going through my head. I've contacted some old friends for religious advice. I'll update when something happens.
You seem to be on the defensive about your loss of faith. Why? I realize Christians are often eager to characterize unbelief as a "crisis of faith," but that's really just a marketing technique.
Here's my advice: if you really love this girl, if you really think your life would be better with her, and if you believe she thinks the same way, regardless of religion—then you ought to explain to her why you lost your faith. If she'll listen, try to convince her to do the same.
You've probably been conditioned to see this as sinful (even if you no longer believe in sin). But think of it this way: if she had worked out that Christianity was nonsense, wouldn't you want her to at least try to convince you? Your lack of belief in God is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and I wish more atheists got out of the closets and actually stood up for what they believe is true.
Another important consideration: religious beliefs and the moral framework of the Bible are certainly incredibly important to our lives. But many Christians are unaware how little the Bible actually has to do with our daily lives, or even our deepest emotions and connections in our relationship. You clearly still love your girlfriend—so it should be obvious that you don't need God or the Bible to feel love, to respect another person, or to be a moral person. (You definitely don't need the Bible, which commands slavery (Lev. 25:45) and genocide (Dt. 20:15) and characterizes marriage as an economic arrangement like buying a slave to be a moral, loving person). Does your girlfriend realize this? Has she thought about how much, or (more likely) how little, her belief in God actually has to do with her feelings for you?
I think you should talk with her about this. If you have a deep connection with her, then the similarity of your religious beliefs was incidental anyway. But if all you had in common with her was your similar belief in Christian mythology, then maybe she wasn't the one for you to begin with.
Edit: just to elaborate on what some others have said. I agree that if she's not strong enough to help you in your so-called "crisis of faith" and challenge you to defend your new beliefs for the sake of both the relationship and for the truth, then she's probably not that great of a partner. What I'm saying is, that also applies to you.