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Help me get this person out of my house (LONG)
Killgrimage
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I have a problem.
Okay, I've watched this H/A forum for a while as a lurker and I hate that this is my first post, but I know you guys often give reasonable advice so I'm coming to you for some.
Around June, my bf and I decided to buy a house. The market was good, I'd decided to quit my 75 hour a week job and move to the burbs, and we had enough cash to do it. After this decision, we were both in a pretty gratuitous mood, what with perusing the American dream and all, so we go out for Chinese with a friend of ours who we aren't that close to but still like to hang out with. Let's call her Rebecca.
Rebecca is cool and has a wild personality. She and I didn't start out on the right foot when I met her four years ago but we'd recently warmed up to each other and I was starting to see she wasn't the horrible person I'd made her out to be in my head. We drink a scorpion bowl and have some very friendly and engaging conversations. We offer to drive her home since she got to the Chinese place by bus. On the way home she complains about having to live with her great aunt, who is very nice by the way, but old fashioned and living with her means Rebecca gets zero privacy. I mean, we're all in our mid 20s, we all have jobs, but Rebecca has a lot more debts than we do and simply doesn't have the means to rent a place.
So I suggest that she come stay with us for a couple months while we move out our stuff. We had an extra guest bedroom that was not in use and both of us actually quite like having people stay over for extended periods. The next day, she had moved most of her stuff into this room.
Over the months we all became quite close. We loved her like a sibling and she was very helpful with the move. Thing is, she asked if she could come with us to our new house and we said yes. The house was huge for just the two of us and we had a lot of extra rooms so we told her she could have one.
Now she's been with us for nine months. She commutes to her job in the city every day, and helps clean and also gets us out of the house (the BF and I would become shut-ins if left to ourselves). But it hasn't been all roses. She's always in the house since her work ends earlier then ours, therefore we get no privacy. She has some mental health issues and seems to be somewhat bipolar. She'll get depressed, but it seems to coincide with something we say or do that she'll take the wrong way, so I suppose she’s touchy. When she's really upset she'll say things that are hurtful or try to make us feel uncomfortable. I don't blame her for this, her parent's are not exactly star material and I think they messed her up a bit. She has been trying to fix this and is now on meds that make her MUCH more stable and easier to live around.
All in all, we want to stay good friends with Rebecca, but we think it's probably about time she left. Thing is, I have no idea how to do this without destroying the friendship. I mean, we've talked to her about what her future plans are, and unfortunately she just doesn't have the funds to live on her own. If we ask her to leave, she'll at least go back to her aunt’s; we would never put her on the street.
What do we do? I know this is our fault, and for a while I said “We asked her to stay, we can’t make her leave now.” But it’s been a long time and there is no end in sight. We want her out, but we’re both too chickenshit to just say “here’s your two weeks notice, get out.”
Help?
TL;DR: I have a friend living with us, but she's been with us a long time and we would like to ask her to move out. How do I do it?
Okay, I've watched this H/A forum for a while as a lurker and I hate that this is my first post, but I know you guys often give reasonable advice so I'm coming to you for some.
Around June, my bf and I decided to buy a house. The market was good, I'd decided to quit my 75 hour a week job and move to the burbs, and we had enough cash to do it. After this decision, we were both in a pretty gratuitous mood, what with perusing the American dream and all, so we go out for Chinese with a friend of ours who we aren't that close to but still like to hang out with. Let's call her Rebecca.
Rebecca is cool and has a wild personality. She and I didn't start out on the right foot when I met her four years ago but we'd recently warmed up to each other and I was starting to see she wasn't the horrible person I'd made her out to be in my head. We drink a scorpion bowl and have some very friendly and engaging conversations. We offer to drive her home since she got to the Chinese place by bus. On the way home she complains about having to live with her great aunt, who is very nice by the way, but old fashioned and living with her means Rebecca gets zero privacy. I mean, we're all in our mid 20s, we all have jobs, but Rebecca has a lot more debts than we do and simply doesn't have the means to rent a place.
So I suggest that she come stay with us for a couple months while we move out our stuff. We had an extra guest bedroom that was not in use and both of us actually quite like having people stay over for extended periods. The next day, she had moved most of her stuff into this room.
Over the months we all became quite close. We loved her like a sibling and she was very helpful with the move. Thing is, she asked if she could come with us to our new house and we said yes. The house was huge for just the two of us and we had a lot of extra rooms so we told her she could have one.
Now she's been with us for nine months. She commutes to her job in the city every day, and helps clean and also gets us out of the house (the BF and I would become shut-ins if left to ourselves). But it hasn't been all roses. She's always in the house since her work ends earlier then ours, therefore we get no privacy. She has some mental health issues and seems to be somewhat bipolar. She'll get depressed, but it seems to coincide with something we say or do that she'll take the wrong way, so I suppose she’s touchy. When she's really upset she'll say things that are hurtful or try to make us feel uncomfortable. I don't blame her for this, her parent's are not exactly star material and I think they messed her up a bit. She has been trying to fix this and is now on meds that make her MUCH more stable and easier to live around.
All in all, we want to stay good friends with Rebecca, but we think it's probably about time she left. Thing is, I have no idea how to do this without destroying the friendship. I mean, we've talked to her about what her future plans are, and unfortunately she just doesn't have the funds to live on her own. If we ask her to leave, she'll at least go back to her aunt’s; we would never put her on the street.
What do we do? I know this is our fault, and for a while I said “We asked her to stay, we can’t make her leave now.” But it’s been a long time and there is no end in sight. We want her out, but we’re both too chickenshit to just say “here’s your two weeks notice, get out.”
Help?
TL;DR: I have a friend living with us, but she's been with us a long time and we would like to ask her to move out. How do I do it?
Killgrimage on
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Has Rebecca made a concerted effort to pay off her debts and find a place of her own? Is she paying rent?Without knowing her I would make one of two assumptions; that she's comfortable where she is and see you guys as her roomates; or that she's working hard to reclaim her independence because she feels like somewhat of an intruder.
After nine months I'd be feeling kinda awkward about it, has she ever broached the topic of her moving out?
Seriously, if you and your boyfriend have decided it's time she find a place of her own then tell her so. But, be frank about it. And give her a predetermined time to find a place.
But, check with your city. If you have accepted rent from her you might be bound by some funky tenant laws.
You should also set a deadline for the move to occur. If you want to be generous, give her two months (I would definitely give her at least a month). That way she will have time to research new places to live. If she can't find or afford any, it will give her time to speak to her aunt.
In situations like these, you always run the risk of hurting the other person's feelings. You can't control how she takes in what you are telling her, but you can try to make it a positive conversation.
Or something. This might not be good advice, but I know if I was in her shoes, knowing that you guys are trying to do everything in your power to make sure she'll be alright after the move would really mean something to me.
If she's lived there for 9 months, she won't be going anywhere on her own. The line, "The next day, she had moved most of her stuff into this room" makes it sound like she had overstayed her welcome somewhere else as well.
I'd give her a deadline (1, 2 months) then help her look for places.
Give her a month or two before you really push to kick her out, because that gives her time to stock up some cash (hopefully she did pay off her debts while she lived with you) and look for local apartments.
It seems as though you and your boyfriend may take it to the next level with marriage soon (people who buy houses often do, I would think), and just let her know that this is why you want her to move out, as you want to focus more on family and your relationship.
I think I like Dastardly's best. I mean, give her some notice and all, but.. yeah. It's been a really long time now.
A few points: She does not pay rent. We initially asked her to stay because we wanted to help her out. Therefore, we would not be bound under any law to give her a specific amount of notice time. She's not on any official paper (to my knowledge) except the census one in our town.
She has being paying off her debts for a long time now, but I think she's still more than 30K in the hole. She dropped out of college without a degree/certificate and she admits that was a royal fuckup because now she has a lot of money to pay back and can't get a higher paying job without that piece of paper. I think this is the crux of why she can't afford to live on her own, because her entire paycheck goes to those debts.
We are planning on getting married/having kids soon and she has stated multiple times she would dislike living with kids, so yes, that is a good point.
We're thinking of taking her to a nice dinner tonight and breaking our decision. Sound like a good idea?
Give her a nice long lead-time before she's homeless. Maybe even offer to help find a new place. If you're sure she has to go, however, then now's the time to tell her. These things don't get easier with time, and you're likely to throw your decision in her face the next time you guys fight anyway.
Have you and your boyfriend lived together alone before? You could always say that you need a dry run (without roommates) before you get married and have kids. She ought to understand that.
Agreed. Nine free months is a great leg-up to give someone. You've done much more than anyone could reasonably ask already, in that respect. If you never ask her to leave, she never will. Why would she?
Cause, from your description of how touchy she was I didn't think it would end in anything but drama. How did you bring up the conversation without starting shit with her? Catch her at a good time?