The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Just got dumped
jasonlester
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Meh, this is more of a rant than anything. I haven't really thought about it much yet.
Backstory:
Girlfriend, 4 years. Mostly happy but fought about little things all the time. We'd be good for a bit, then just keep fighting about nothing. A week ago we were arguing about something trivial. I didn't realise I'd upset her (I'd made her feel bad about me getting out of work to see her). It was 2 am, I had an exam the next day so I said I couldn't deal with it right now.
We didn't talk for few days. I thought I'd let the situation cool down. I called her. She told me she was trying to move on. Great.
I've spoken to her since then. She said she needs time. But the purpose of this thread isn't this relationship. It's me.
I'm so confused. I don't...feel anything? I'm not crying, I'm not a mess. I'm fine. Sure I'm lonely, but I'm a realist. This isn't the end of the world. If it happens, it happens. There are plenty more women out there, and if this isn't to be, it isn't to be.
This, however, for my situation at least (coming out of a 4 year relationship) is completely not normal or so I'd think. I think I should be more upset. I just feel...numb.
Maybe this is a sign we shouldn't get back together? Maybe I'll be better off without her. Then again, maybe it just hasn't hit me yet.
What's wrong with me? Why don't I care about anything?
Backstory:
Girlfriend, 4 years. Mostly happy but fought about little things all the time. We'd be good for a bit, then just keep fighting about nothing. A week ago we were arguing about something trivial. I didn't realise I'd upset her (I'd made her feel bad about me getting out of work to see her). It was 2 am, I had an exam the next day so I said I couldn't deal with it right now.
We didn't talk for few days. I thought I'd let the situation cool down. I called her. She told me she was trying to move on. Great.
I've spoken to her since then. She said she needs time. But the purpose of this thread isn't this relationship. It's me.
I'm so confused. I don't...feel anything? I'm not crying, I'm not a mess. I'm fine. Sure I'm lonely, but I'm a realist. This isn't the end of the world. If it happens, it happens. There are plenty more women out there, and if this isn't to be, it isn't to be.
This, however, for my situation at least (coming out of a 4 year relationship) is completely not normal or so I'd think. I think I should be more upset. I just feel...numb.
Maybe this is a sign we shouldn't get back together? Maybe I'll be better off without her. Then again, maybe it just hasn't hit me yet.
What's wrong with me? Why don't I care about anything?
jasonlester on
0
Posts
Maybe it's my apathy that is ruining my relationship though. I can totally understand that from her perspective.
When we fight about something small, I don't care at all . I'd like to chalk that up to maturity, but maybe I'm just an asshole.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Also, I would avoid excessive self-destructive ventures. Eg: if you drink once or twice a week, there's either (A) no need to change that unless you think you might loose a tad control, or have in the past, (B) play it safe and don't drink alone, because feelings mess up your judgement, and definitely (C) don't try to drink (or otherwise <blank>) your troubles away.
I think the best thing post-breakup is to hang with friends (good, no, GREAT friends realize the position you're in, have no problem doing things you would prefer if it takes your mopey mind off the girl, and generally will make it a habit not to mention her name. Even in trying-to-cheer-you-up dissing)
Good luck man, always darkest before dawn, the sequel is always darker than the third movie, <insert another analogy pertaining to darkness before light>, etc.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
I feel all three. I'm happy sometimes, I enjoy her company, and I enjoy doing things with her and being with her. At the same time I'm sometimes indifferent and sometimes bored. As selfish as it is, I feel if she's going to make me feel bad, I shouldn't have to put up with that.
Maybe I'm just over all little arguments to the point where I'm completely indifferent to her.
You're not wrong, by any means, to feel this way. And there isn't anything wrong with you. The relationship ran it's course, and that was that. Don't think of yourself as selfish either, because it doesn't seem like you are.
If she's making you feel bad over stupid shit that's not worth feeling bad over, then good riddance. Nobody should put up with that.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Not much else to say really.
It's negative thinking, which I know is bad. I can't really help it though. I have a lot of self esteem issues, which I should probably work through now. Perfect excuse to I guess.
If you're that apathetic, it's probably not the right relationship for you. Don't force it.
You're numb because you were prepared for it mentally perhaps?
If I was a betting man, I'd say it sounds like you 2 would get caught up in small stupid arguments. All said and done you perhaps felt really petty for getting pulled into them, so it was a more conscious effort to be more objective to them? Only you're objectivity kinda took over the relationship because of the frequency of your squabbles?
But then, I have pretty much no qualification to believe such a thing
It's her birthday tomorrow too. Good idea to call her? msg her? something? Or just leave it.
Spoke to her last night. By spoke I mean txted. Wishing her a happy birthday. Yeah, it's totally over. 3 years. Doesn't even have the fucking decency to say bye in person.
I think now it's really hit me. I feel like shit. Feel like I don't have anyone. Really silly things like, who do I tell about my day and things like that. I just feel like no one gives a shit anymore.
This isn't true though. I have really good friends, but I feel nothing will come close to what I had.
I can't focus on anything. I have work due in urgh. Just feel completely lost. How long does this take? How do I get over this?
I'm trying to keep myself busy but it's hard.
Seriously.
She always used to tell me she was going to end it but didn't. Anyway, when me and my gf broke up we were talking. The next day she sms's me telling me she's dumped her boyfriend. Now we're talking a lot more.
I'm not sure of her intentions, although a few of my girl friends seem to think it's pretty clear, but it feels way too soon. On the other hand, I want to be happy. I'm happy when I'm talking to her. She's probably the best friend I have. There you go. A classic "don't want to mess up a friendship" scenario.
edit: The most prevalent thought it "I'm going to die alone"
I'm only 19. This is ridiculous. A completely stupid way to think. It just feels like she's the only person that will ever understand me that much. Meh, who knows. It has to get easier at some point.
I've still got all her shit here. Photos and things. Letters. I should probably get rid of this stuff if I'm to stop thinking about her.
On a few occasion, i've known girls to break up with their current boyfriends for another guy only to tell the other guy "Not yet, but in awhile" 5-6 months later they either have started dating or stopped talking altogether...
considering you're already best friends (and she hasn't really said "i broke up with him to get closer to you" she might not really be doing this for that reason. Granted, that option is there, but i don't think i would worry about it until you feel comfortable going out on the dating scene again.
I wasn't about to dump my girlfriend for her though. As you said, could've been a completely different reason. I don't really want anything like that just yet anyway.
Got a 12 hour shift in like 20 minutes. That's gonna be great.
It's also her birthday today. Le sigh. Now I have another ipod to sell on ebay.
I'm not sure that's a good decision- How big of a gift does she need?
I just got dumped myself from an eight and a half year relationship about two months ago.
It is hard. Hardest thing I have ever had to endure. The first month afterward, everything in your daily routine is broken. Everytime you go to talk to that person, they aren't there. You end up being reminded of her from every trivial thing you have ever done/seen/experienced with her (which is nearly everything).
There really is not easy solution--the person whom you have poured your heart out to in the past no longer exists, at least, to you. I can guarantee, as bad as you feel now, you will feel worse in a few days, and then you will feel mixed emotions for months to follow. I felt like shit basically every day the first month after the relationship ended itself, and only when I could keep my mind truly busy (out with friends focusing my attention on something) could I escape the heartache that accompanied thinking about her. Even today, I have my good days and bad days. There is no magic cure. I can however tell you that I feel a hell of a lot better today than I did two months ago, one month ago, two weeks ago. It is not hopeless, but it is a process.
You will undergo the widest array of emotions you have ever experienced towards someone/something. You will go from denial, to contemplation, to sorrow, to bargaining (what if I did _____ different), to disgust, to annoyance, to anger, to flat out hatred (I never thought I could be mad at, let alone hate my ex....it will likely happen, no matter how good you thought your relationship was. She hurt you. She hurt you more than you've ever hurt before). You will feel so many things at once that it may be hard to ground yourself. Whatever you do, keep a level head (as hard as that may seem). It is 100% normal to run through every emotion you have ever experienced. Your world is shattered: you had plans, you had envisioned your future together, and everything you think about comes back to what you had in mind for said future...with her.
No matter how hard it may be, do not contact her at all. You will feel so unbelievably compelled to do so, but it is something you absolutely cannot do. Engaging in any conversation with her will make you feel like you have a 'chance' and may be taken back...you will analyze all of the dialogue/text in the whole conversation trying to cling onto something that may give you false hope, and you will make yourself more miserable trying to go back to the what ifs. Lastly, do NOT check her facebook, no matter how compelled you may be to do so. Any influences that you thought were 'negative' may contact her, and make make you feel worse about your situation (now that she is single, why not try to get in her pants. She went to a party with so and so, they are obviously having sex now. She is more outgoing than she was with me, was I that bad a person that I held her back so much?) Only negative things can come from checking up on her/looking at what she is up to now.
Honestly, what helped me the most was talking everything over with a friend. It may be someone you least expect it to be. In my case, it was a person I had played MMORPGs with off-and-on for the better part of 6 years. I considered him not to be a close friend, but more of an acquaintance. I knew very little about him, other than the fact that we shared a common interest. I have talked to him more in the past two months than I have in the entire time I have known him. Why? Because he listened. And offered rational advice. But he mostly listened to me rant and rave and complain about how it wasn't fair, why she should take me back, how miserable she may be in the future, how I thought I did good in the relationship, where I went wrong.....absolutely everything. This is probably the most difficult thing you have ever undergone in your entire life, and it is nearly impossible to tackle by yourself. Look to the places you least expect help from and ask them what they think, or if they have any advice.
Keeping busy (with friends) is also great. Your friends know what you are going through. Most have been there and done that. They are your friends for a reason, they obviously enjoy the qualities that you exude and enjoy your company. Find a way to do more things with them--set up poker night, go out to the mall to shop, go to get-togethers, anything. I tried to do things by myself for the first few weeks, and that resulted very poorly...pretty much everything I did reminded me of my ex, and once the thoughts entered my mind it was only falling asleep that erased them. Good friends will take your mind off of everything and allow you to have a great time.
Working out is also great. It gets your adrenaline flowing, and allows you to focus on bettering yourself as an individual (and eventually more appealing for future dating :winky:) and also takes your mind off of your SO.
TLDR: from first hand experience that is very recent: things look bleak. They will be difficult. You will take one step forward and two steps back at several points throughout the healing process. Do not be discouraged, that is perfectly normal. You will feel more emotions than you ever have. This person was quite possibly the most important part of your life, and now she is gone. As I once saw the great Sarcastro say, a breakup of a relationship lasting multiple years could be harder than breaking a drug addiction, but it is not impossible. Keep a level head, keep busy, and time will heal you, even if it feels like it won't right now.
I was normal, sad, angry, extremely angry, bitter, happy/optimistic, then completely depressed. I also thought about the whole bargaining thing.
Poker night is a good idea. I should learn how to play poker. Hey, she left all her alcohol here. Should invite everyone over to drink it.
Half way through my shift (two jobs) Was going to not show up at my other one, but realistically, I have nothing else to do. I strangely WANT to go and back my break lifting shit for crap pay. Sigh.
To the above: I bought her an ipod for her birthday. I didn't sell mine. Now that it's over, I have a new ipod here. Gives you an idea of how much I thought...it wasn't going to end when it did.
Ohh.... shit. I'm sorry I misread that. Is it past the returning period? You'd be better off doing that.
Still, it sucks to have something like that come up so soon after you broke up with her.
And yes, poker night should be an awesome way to enjoy the evening.
give it to the other girl as a joke/consolation prize for her break up
then take her to get coffee
wait to do the latter for a few days or so
You could even give it a silly nick name.
Or maybe you'll walk away from this scott free. Happened to a buddy of mine, so who knows.
"Did we do the right thing?"
I...didn't reply. Which took a lot for me to do.
She then called me. Which I ignored.
This really sucks
Maybe I should talk to her? I mean, 3 years, haven't even heard her voice tell me it's over. I haven't had any closure. A text message is a fucking joke. I'm not about to take her back, but urgh, I just can't do this. I love her, but I hate what she has done.
edit: She's calling again
I'm really drunk, which proooobably isn't the best. But at least I'm happy, talking with friends.
Anyway, man, just hold strong. Get your own head straight before you start worrying about her.
Thank you, Rubacava!
I'm with some friends. It's good.
The thing is, you already have this 3 year dynamic going with her of fighting over stupid things. Of whatever it is about the relationship only making you happy "sometimes"...it's very likely that dynamic between the two of you won't change, and instead will just continue to play itself out over and over again. It would probably be a lot more work changing that, and a lot easier and a lot less baggage looking for a relationship that's more suited to what you want.
After my ex and I broke up, after 3 years of dating, we decided it'd be a good idea to still keep hanging out and seeing if maybe we could get back together. What resulted from this? A bunch of fun dates with her, some great sex, and SEVEN MONTHS OF UNINTERRUPTED INTENSE EMOTIONAL PAIN AND DEPRESSION. This of course ravaged my personal and educational life, but thankfully not to the point of ruining it.
Also, I understand there are exceptions to everything, but it's probably not the greatest idea to jump into a relationship with this other girl right now. Being with someone because you miss being with someone usually does not end well.
PSN/XBL: dragoniemx
You are young. You have had (presumably) very little experience with the opposite sex, in dating, flirting, enjoying the company of, etc. The danger you fall into now, is that you are emotionally reeling. Your pillar of support has once disappeared, and is now suddenly emerging once again, however, that pillar has changed greatly. What would be best for you right now, to dull the pain? Easy. Take her back. Is that the smartest choice? Maybe not.
The risk you run, if you do decide you want to be back in the relationship with said female, is the fact that you may question her every motive. "Is she going to suddenly abandon me again? Who is she going out with? Is she talking to ______ to give her a safety net in case she wants to break up again?" I'm not sure what kind of person you are, but to me, those would constantly be eating at me.
To me, when someone suggests 'breaking up', or 'taking a break' for the first time, the relationship is flawed in a major way. Sure, there are some success stories out there, but those are few and far between. I'll let you into my world, since you said you were able to relate to my advice earlier.
My ex-girlfriend moved away to college a year and a half ago. She started hanging out with dudes that she normally wouldn't have, and never told me about them. I stumbled upon this about a month after she started hanging out with them. About 2 weeks later, she proposed that we take a break. The first thought that crossed my mind was that she obviously wanted to leave me for one of these fellows. We worked it out, and ended up staying together. Throughout the next year and a half, she brought up the concept of taking a break about 4-5 times, each time totally out of nowhere. I'm pretty convincing, so I managed to make her see that these feelings were normal, etc. Eventually, she broke up with me and nothing I could do would change her mind.
I bring this up to express a point. After that initial 'I don't want to be with you' discussion, my trust in the relationship was totally shattered. How could it not be? The person you care so deeply about, share everything with, give advice to, had plans with....no longer feels you are the best suit for her. No matter how many times she told me she wanted to be with me after that, there was always doubt in my mind, and I always questioned her motives because I felt like she was 'fishing' for a better catch.
In retrospect, I was living in a terrible relationship, because I was putting myself through far too much emotional torture. I wish I would have ended it the first time it came up. Why didn't I? I was comfortable. You too are comfortable. You are used to living a certain way, and you were 'ok' with it, so is it worth it to change it?
The questions you have to ask yourself are as follows.
Would you have to qualify any apology or set any guidelines for conduct in the future?
Will you analyze what she does, and who she talks to?
Are you fearful that at any moment, your relationship will implode?
Do you feel like you were prolonging your current relationship in any way?
Did your relationship feel like work?
If the answer is yes to any of the above questions, you need to take a step back and look rationally at the whole situation. You will not be happy in a relationship where you cannot trust the other party. There is no way around it. You will drive yourself insane with the constant questions, and you will imagine abstract scenarios that have almost no chance of happening, yet will convince yourself they are in fact occurring.
At this current point in time, I can see 100% that my ex and I were not compatible anymore. Two months ago I would argue that point, and list all the things we had in common, because I was scared of being alone, and scared of the unknown. All you can think of right now is the good times you have had. If you look back upon the whole situation in one month, two months, three months, your opinion will likely change drastically.
Hopefully that makes sense, I kind of jumped all over the place.
p.s. To add something to what Ayana said.
You have no idea if it was meant to be. At all. Your heart only knows that other person, so of course it is going to say you want to be with that other person. Hell, my heart told me it wanted that other person for a month after she broke up with me. I was convinced she was the only one I could ever live for. A month later, I have very little feelings for her, and know that she was not a good fit for me. The person I envisioned spending the rest of my life with, was me idealizing her great qualities, not looking at the reality of it. Sure, it still stings when I think about her dating other guys, and possibly having sex with others, but those feelings pass quickly. I have no desire to ever get back with her at all.
I talked to her again today. I just needed to know whether or not it is over. I mentioned she called me crying. I said I needed time to think. I called her today, and she had done a total backflip. She doesn't know anything. She couldn't tell me it was over. She did tell me she loved me, but couldn't tell me anything else.
She's just turned 19, and completely freaked out. Thinking she's missing out on things and being too dependent on me. Pushing away her friends. I thought this would've happened when she started university...but a year later and bam. There we go.
Seems pretty classic.
So I've been trying to stop crying all day. This really sucks. I feel completely alone. The thought of this other girl makes me sick to my stomach with guilt and sadness over my ex. I just see her.
Sounds like you're good to go buddy.
Though, with describing it as "numb", don't be surprised if you break down a little bit in a week or so and kinda realize what's going to be missing from your life.
If not, or otherwise, appreciate the ability to get in and out of this situation without doing yourself any emotional harm.
This was at the beginning of February. My big help was going out to do things I used to do when I wasn't with her and I started working out... A LOT. I've lost over 20 pounds and I've had to buy a whole new wardrobe so I could fit in what I wear.
I'll think of you next time I have a beer. It'll be tough for a while but you'll get better!
I rushed into it and so did she. We're just not who the other needs to be and it really hurts that I see that. You know, maybe in a few months I'll be able to reassess and move forward WITH her but I'm not going to give myself hope.
I'm just upset that I was so hopeful for her again, that she'd save me and make everything better. I'm just too much of a mess for anyone right now and that sucks. I really do love her, but I hate to see her go. Like the OP she's my first everything and the thought of her with someone else hurts.... but I do want her happy. Even if I hurt from it... I just don't know what to do. I just really don't know.
I've been through all of the grieving before and it took so long to get over her but things are little better this time in the sense we're not being ripped away from one another by her mom. It's somewhat mutual. I just can't be who she needs spiritually for myself or her. That hurts a lot, too..
I don't know just as well as anyone else. The last girl I was with (who I have pending charges of assault and battery with) made me move to suicidal thoughts on a handful of occasions and my life/education has slowly slipped away.
It's scary to realize how much effort and time I've wasted to be in this situation I'm in now. I pray I can take something from it in the end if I can make it through.
I do want to thank all of you who have chimed in at some point over my predicaments and want you to know your advice NEVER went unheeded. I was stubborn and bullheaded at times, yes, but it was always to make sure your guys' logic was sound. I didn't want to take advice that I could punch holes in.
Anyway, bitches.