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Sleeping together on the first date?
Talkc
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
First off..
I mean zzzzZZZZZzzzzZZZZZ *snore* "Sleep". Not sex.
Somehow i jumped ahead with Dustin and suggested that he sleep over. He said "sure!".
Now this is not someone i just met. This is someone i trust pretty well.
I just need to know, is it weird to sleep together that soon?
Part of me doesnt care becaue id love to share a bed with him.... and part of me cares, becaue it seems like it could be moving forward too fast.
What do you people think?
I mean zzzzZZZZZzzzzZZZZZ *snore* "Sleep". Not sex.
Somehow i jumped ahead with Dustin and suggested that he sleep over. He said "sure!".
Now this is not someone i just met. This is someone i trust pretty well.
I just need to know, is it weird to sleep together that soon?
Part of me doesnt care becaue id love to share a bed with him.... and part of me cares, becaue it seems like it could be moving forward too fast.
What do you people think?
Talkc on
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I always thought it was a bit "slutty" but when I first went on a date with my current boyfriend (who I only met thanks to you brilliant forumers) it went from bowling, to a nice walk home, to a kiss at the door, to us ripping each other's clothes off. And it just felt totally right.
So, in short, if it feels right, don't worry about if it's too soon
Second, who cares? If you wanna mess around, mess around. If you don't, then don't. Just make sure that if you don't want to, you draw some clear boundaries, because right now it seems like you're sending out some mixed signals.
Apologies if they're all the same guy or something, but if not, I think you should consider being by yourself for a while. Or at least, stop freaking out about date you have.
So i should just dump him?
I guess that would be the thing to do.... dump a nice guy ive known for a long while and just be alone.
I guess i do deserve to be alone wth the turn over rate i have.
But I also try to disregard simplistic opinions like "if it feels right, do it." Hedonism and Puritanism are opposite sides of the same coin.
So rather than tell you what decision you should make, I think it might be helpful to point out a couple of questions you should probably ask yourself before making up your own mind. Questioning why you're making decisions can be really useful when it comes to knowing whether you're make the right decision for how you want to live your life, or if you're just going for the answer that has the best short-term upside irrespective of any possible consequences. For instance. I usually ask myself the following two questions before escalating a relationship to bedroom behavior: (1) if I do this and then never hear from this person again, will I regret doing it? and (2) would I be embarrassed about telling my mom that I slept with this person under these circumstances.
(I'm old enough now that neither my mom or I feel particularly embarrassed about my love life, YMMV).
So what question should you ask yourself? I'd suggest asking yourself the following:
"IS THIS GOING TO ADD MORE UNWANTED DRAMA TO MY LIFE?"
Here's the thing, TalkC, you're a really sweet kid but you've been making some pretty rash decisions lately that have caused some pretty unfortunate consequences and added a lot of drama to your life. A lot of that wasn't actually your fault (refering specifically to the guy who sort of sprang on you at the last minute that he's polyamorous with no advance warning or discussion). Some of it was your fault (refering specifically to the thread about skipping town or whatever). Maybe you should be a little more cautious about making decisions in the future?
Just a suggestion.
I'm not saying dump him. But you gotta admit, this isn't your first time creating this sort of thread. It strikes me that you're jumping from relationship to relationship and while being completely alone is not healthy, doing this could also not be.
Seriously though, I think Noir's point is that you seem to live pretty fast already. Which is fine; there's nothing wrong with it. You just need to be less afraid of it, and learn to embrace it. If you like this dude, and he likes you, and you're sleeping in the same bed... do you seriously think that you'll not touch, or have something sexual happen?
And if it does, that's cool, just be safe and be up front with him about what it means. Generally, if you start to have sexual relations with someone it means you're not going to have sexual relations with someone else at the same time (barring kinky sexual encounters). Which, also, is cool.
Plenty of nice people go through a lot of boyfriends/girlfriends, sometimes through no fault of their own. Unless they're being stupid about it (unprotected sex, loaning money), it's not that big of a deal.
Oh jesus, stop wallowing in your own self pity. All of these relationships you have brought up seem like short flings, and if that is what you want go for it. I mean, your asking him to sleep over after the first date.
He said "You meant to sleep right?"
So he gets it.
I dont think this will add drama to my life. If anything i think some affection might help heal me to some degree. At least thats what Dustin said.
He read the Personal Woes thread... every bit of it.And now he is reading this one. He told me not to worry. If i feel i need the comfort he is more than willing to give it. Hell if we want to have sex he says just ask.
So i guess this is resolved.
I suppose my major problem is i dont communicate as readily or easily with who im with. I need to learn to do that better, or at least i am making an effort.
Dude. You already made your decision before you posted in this thread, brother. That was pretty apparent from the way you over-reacted to blood_noir. And that's okay. Sometimes people don't really want advice, they just want people to justify a conclusion they've already come to. Nothing wrong with that. We tell people to do what they think is the right thing all the time 'round these parts.
There's a saying I picked up from the Marine Corps: "Some people learn by reading or being told. Some people learn by observing the mistakes of others. And some people just have to reach out and grab the electrical fence for themselves." You're a fence-grabber. And again, that's fine, as long as you learn from it. But I hope you spot the flaw in your argument that I quoted above sooner rather than later so you'll stop getting yourself into trouble.
Unless what's ailing you is a broken bone or a bleeding wound, no one on this earth has what it will take to heal you. We are all broken, and we are all responsible for finding what it takes to fix us within ourselves.
Every post I've seen from you - and there has been many (most of which focus on the same subject every time), screams needy and insecure.
Your self assessment of deserving to be alone is incorrect in my opinion - there are few people who actually deserve that. However, Noir seems to be on track in suggesting that perhaps you stop seeking an actual relationship with someone when you very clearly need to learn who you are and do some growing up on your own.
It seems that you have a pattern of latching onto others and using them as anchor for yourself. That's not fair on them, and very unhealthy for you.
At any rate, good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Im under the impression that they we're just going to share a bed. You can share a bed with someone and not have sex. I shared a bed with my current girlfriend our first weekend dating and we didnt end up having sex the first time for another month or so.
Now if he (or she... i dont know the backround here) is implying sex on the first date, thats cool too but it sets a very different tone up front for the relationship.
Ah. I see. Um, I suggest clicking on his forum name and linking through to his other H/A posts so you can learn some more of the background. Those of us who have read and remember his other threads have a much, much more reserved opinion on the matter than the initial couple of repondants, and we have a really, really good reason.
Dustin, if you actually exist, and you are actually reading this: you're right, Talkc does desperately need some affection in his life right now. He's a messed-up kid with a fist full of problems, and if you're going into this open-eyed with the sole intention of being a warm, caring friend to him during his time of adversity, good on you. You're a saint.
Trouble is, I don't believe in saints. And I really don't believe that anybody could read over Talkc's previous threads and think "Man, you know what this guy needs? Some affectionate, no-pressure cuddling from a hot, awesome guy like me."
But I could very easily see somebody read over Talkc's previous threads and think "Man, if I show this guy so much as a scrap of interest, I'll have him pleading like a puppy and whipped like the family mule, because he is absolutely desperate for someone to like him."
I could also very easily see nobody like Dustin actually existing.
Talkc, you need help. You need to get your head on straight. You do not need to be posting every other day agonizing over whether you should go out with the shy, geeky guy you just met, or the hot waiter who just asked you out yesterday even though you've known him for years. You do not need to be asking whether or not you should sleep with the hot waiter on your first date. You're not looking for advice at all, you're looking for validation of what I am seriously starting to think are nothing more than fantasies. And you lash out whenever anybody so much as questions the underlying assumption of that fantasy.
"hey guys which of these hotties should I date, AND DON'T TELL ME I SHOULDN'T BE THINKING ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW." Or jumping on noir_blood in this very thread: all he did was say "Y'know, your posting history has a lot of threads about you jumping into new relationships, maybe you should take some time to be by yourself for a while," and you threw a hissy fit and said "YOU THINK I SHOULD JUST BE ALONE AND MISERABLE BECAUSE I'M A BIG USELESS LOSER."
If everything you post is true, you need to take some control of your life. Stop falling for every guy who shows more than a passing interest in you. Clean yourself up, get yourself mentally and physically healthy, deal with your situation at home. By all means, find some good friends to help you with that, if you can... but for God's sake, man, stop staggering from one dramafest into the next. You should not be dating anyone until you can stand on your own two feet.
(And, of course, if you are just making shit up at this point, knock it off).
If you respond to every constructive criticism that way, then the help you really need is not likely to be found here. It is terribly unattractive in a human being.
I'm not going to advise you on which guy to date or whether or not to sleep with him because from what I can gather from your threads you should be trying to fix your life before you try to add someone else to it in the capacity you're looking for. Just humoring you and telling you what you want to hear, that it's all okay and this course of action is totally healthy and taking control of your life and *girlish giggle* besides, you're getting to be with a cute guy! is not good advice. It's not helping you. I'm sure Dustin is very nice, and it's great that you've known him for so long so I suppose he already knows he's signing on for a project, but that's not a healthy way to approach what you seem to want to be a real relationship. If he actually likes you he will agree that getting your life together should be your first priority.
My advice to you is this: Having a shitty past doesn't make you less responsible for your future. You aren't 10, and the 'mommy owes me for bringing me into this world' stuff doesn't fly anymore. You are heaping new drama upon new drama onto the fresh train wreck that you have recently described as being your life, and you aren't cleaning it up before you bring in more. Be responsible for yourself. If you feel like therapy and medication aren't helping you enough, talk to someone, sign on for more, change providers, drop it all and take a self-help class, whatever you find you need to do, but do something about it. That is the only way for you to regain control of your mental health without driving it into the ground.
edit: THANK YOU KATE. H/A is not a cheering section, nor is it full of yes-men. If you don't want the advice you're getting here... maybe it's not the right place for you to find support.
This.
You know what makes me really sad, though? Sitting here reading through two really thoughtful, well-crafted posts from ceres and Kate of Lokys, recognizing the obvious time and effort they've spent contemplating your situation and organizing their thoughts into coherent posts, and knowing that it's not going to make any difference. It's a wasted effort on their part. It doesn't matter how much effort we put into trying to persuade you to start looking after yourself because you have two damning character traits: you have horrible instincts, but you always go with your gut no matter how much trouble it's going to get you into. Then you come back and wonder how everything went so horribly wrong and ask for suggestions for cleaning up the mess before the cycle repeats itself. In short, you are the gay Penguin_Otaku.
Which is helpful, I guess, because I don't have to spend more time trying to find a way to phrase this:
Break the cycle, man. Get some help. Not validation--real, honest-to-God help. For the first time in your life, take Kate of Lokys and ceres' advice and vaya con dios.
Yes.
I probably shouldnt be dating someone i threw 20 dollar tips at like it was going out of style. Truth is, i cant be sure his intentions are pure.
My mom talked to me about some of this, when i asked her. I didnt want to listen to her either.
But i suppose, if i cant stand on my own two feet...i dont need to be dragging someone down with me. Reguardless of whether or not they like me.
And for the past 4 relationships ive been in, i have just ruined the intimacy and kindness, with needy begging and attention whoring.
Im going to talk to Dustin. Tell him, i like him. But its not healthy for me to be in a relationship.
Hell my therapist said that Tuesday. And i mostly just let it piss me off.
I need to swallow the pill. Accept that im not healthy, and stop trying to use others to pull me up.
This sounds so fucking corny, but i need to learn to stand on my own.
Knowing my judgement Dustin is a serial killer or something.
Unless gay people live in opposite world.
Tell me, are you wearing your shoes on your hands?
It's kind of like how people in relationships always seem more interesting/sexy than single people. People who are happy even when they're by themselves and have their own, independent interests/activities seem to be the people who are never alone.
Run.
Now.
Are you just making half this shit up because you want people to talk to? Because that's ok, and people around here are really happy to chat with you. But seriously, what are you looking for?
Don't be a jerk, Santa. You know full well that its Rand McNallians that do that.
So very pointless.
You are not allowed to post questions in H/A again until you are actually interested in what people have to say in response. Until that time I suggest that you chill the fuck out and actually try communicating with your therapist under the understanding that he's there to help but sadly cannot if you insist upon sabotaging his efforts.
Or you could just embrace not being happy, 'cuz that feels great, right?
Either way, come back once you've grown up a smidgen.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH