Getting her out of my head.

bigpanda

So I've got this crush on this girl and need to get her out of my head.

I've already expressed my feelings but she's playing coy/hard to get/not interested but not forward enough to express it.

Either way I need to get her out of my head so I can focus back on my life and work.

Suggestions?

Dman

Just tell yourself she's letting you down gently to spare your feelings but has zero interest in dating you.

Now that your hopes are suitably crushed you can move on.

Themindtaker

Obviously this is just my two cents and individual results may vary, but I recommend throwing yourself into a hobby or work activity, something with no ties to her. It should allow you to move on without having to conjure any fictitious representation of her feelings in your head by virtue of distraction until you have either moved on or things have actually become resolved.

I once convinced myself that a girl I liked had no interest in me, then I moved on, and afterwards she revealed that I had misread the same nervousness and shyness I felt as disinterest, but because I had already moved on, I totally bumbled the whole situation until it blew up in my face. So I recommend against putting words in her mouth, but that's just me.

Also, as someone who's been through relationships as a coping mechanism on both sides, I find that the "dive into yourself" method, as opposed to the dive into a fling or anything sorta destructive like that, allows you more time exploring and confirming who you are and what you're wanting to become which in turn tends to precipitate improved future matchmaking.

bigpanda

I've tried the whole, she couldn't care less about me thing among others, and it worked for a while but she IM'ed me out of the blue one night and it sent me back to square one.

Even as far as hobbies and work go, I keep thinking about her even when I'm working out, practicing guitar, or just about anything else that I do.

If anyone has any experience compartmentalizing these kinds of feelings that I have I'm all ears. I'm wondering if meditation or something similar might help.

Halfmex

If she hasn't reciprocated your interest then she's either

A) Not interested in you

Playing mind games, in which case you don't want to be with this person anyway

In either case, you just need to focus your mind on other things. Doing something else while dwelling on her isn't going to do you any good. You need to focus that mental energy on something, preferably someONE, else. Eventually, someone else will come along and they can be your focal point (providing they reciprocate interest in you).

Platy

She IM'ed you? I don't know the nature of your relationship or what was written in that message, but maybe you should talk to her straight. Tell her that you haven't got your feelings under control and that you're in need of a definitive answer. She might think you're an idiot, but perhaps it's for the best.

i n c u b u s

If you want her out of your head then get her out of your life for a while. Cut off all contact and try and stay away from the places you'll know she'll be at. It's gonna suck especially if you guys are friends but it'll keep you from thinking about her. Take this time to focus on kicking ass at work, practicing guitar, and hang out with the boys as much as possible. Keep yourself busy to keep your mind from lingering towards this girl. I only recommend this if your 100% positive this girl is playing with you and you don't want any part of it. If your not sure then just straight up ask the girl instead of tip toeing around the subject. The worst she can say is "no I'm not into you" in which case your preparing yourself for that anyway.

Solandra

bigpanda wrote: »

I've tried the whole, she couldn't care less about me thing among others, and it worked for a while but she IM'ed me out of the blue one night and it sent me back to square one.

You might try cultivating some outrage about the random IM. If you've told her that you have feelings, and she's not willing to give you a straight answer about whether she returns those feelings, then IM'ing you out of the blue after a period of no contact (assuming that's weeks and not hours) is indicative to me that perhaps you're something to do/someone to talk to when she doesn't have anything else to do. If she didn't follow up that IM with resuming regular contact and offering some sort of clue if you're "just friends" or "have potential for more", then that's even worse.

You're not her consolation prize. You're better than that, and deserve more than random attention. Catalog the specific things you like about this girl and quantify them as characteristics to look for in another girl, and then add "knows what she wants" to the recipe. Then think about the girl you'll meet who smells good, has that vulnerable quality but knows how to stand on her feet, who's looking for a companion (and so forth) and take the name of Random IM Girl-Crush out of the equation.

It's not easy, and I don't envy you (I've been there), but it's an opportunity to identify the things you like (and don't) in a friend/companion/mate, and by deciding that you're worth more than random contact, you're going to save a lot of wear and tear on your heart.

SammyF

How old are you, BP? And how old is she?

Feral

You know what I do when I can't get a girl out of my head?

I talk to other girls.

OKCupid is good for this since I don't have to go anywhere or really bother anyone. Nothing makes me feel better than realizing that yes there really are more fish in the sea.

SammyF

^ That can work. Generally I think it ought to be pointed out, though, that if you're doing anything with the expressed intent of not thinking about a specific something, no matter what you try and do, you'll be thinking about it. Case in point: in the process of trying not to fixate on this girl, you are posting queries in H/A about how not to think about her. Thus instead of simply fixating on this girl, you are now fixating on how you're fixating on this girl.

A lot of the advice here is well-intentioned but not going to work. Cultivating outrage over the fact she doesn't have the common goddamned courtesy to not IM you? Okay, but you're still going to be thinking about her--it will just make you feel more-angry about her than it did before. Out-of-sight/out-of-mind can work, but if you go incubus' route and purposefully avoid seeing her, then this girl is going to live at the epicenter of your decision-making process until you just naturally get over her the same way you would if you saw her everywhere.

You know what I'd do if I were you? I'd learn an obscure foreign langugage--Arabic is fascinating if you haven't tried it. Languages not your thing? Okay, have you ever tried sailing? Live in a land-locked region? Hmm, in that case when's the last time you invited your guy friends over to play a little Texas Hold 'Em? Have you ever thought about getting a micro-brewing kit and learning how to make beer? Or bee keeping? Do anything! Just don't do it because you're trying to get this girl out of your head--do it because it's fun and you've always wanted to try it.

What I'm saying is: the purpose of your life shouldn't be to not think about someone. The purpose of your life is living and being alive. And if, in the course of living your life, you happen to think about this girl every once in a while, that's okay. That's not a failure or a game-stopper. You're still breathing. Life goes on.

DusT_HounD

I had a similar experience recently, and i was SO hung up on this girl, convinced that i couldn't ever find anyone better, but then i was sitting in Starbucks a couple of weeks ago, reading my book, drinking a coffee, when i looked up, and saw a girl who looked similar to the one i was hung up on, but even better-looking. Now of course, looks aren't everything, but this was sufficient to give my mind that 'push', to switch from being obsessed with this girl, thinking of her every minute, to realising that there ARE others who could be more deserving of being obsessed over.

Er, in short, hope that you find your 'push'. (Yeah, i realise that this post wasn't that constructive....)

Zombiemambo

I'd be up front: ask her if she's interested in you or not. If she isn't, she needs to stop fucking with you.

Feral

Zombiemambo wrote: »

I'd be up front: ask her if she's interested in you or not. If she isn't, she needs to stop fucking with you.

Seriously.

And you know what? Life is much easier if you only associate with people who communicate clearly. So if she gets offended at the question, fuck her.

Fallingman

I think that the healthiest thing is that you realise she's playing games and you want to move on. I'd not even ask revisit it - the ball is in her court.

Start exercising, and get out more socially.