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Dealing with Addictions (Without access to rehab) and other problems. No TLDR.
Lackadaisical
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
As the title suggests I have addictions (plural) and to start simply, let's start with my internet gaming addiction.
I play a large number of games weekly, to the point that I haven't seen outside in at least three days and hadn't showered in the past week (before today.) This used to be World of Warcraft, which I left of my own volition, but i've now substituted one hell for another. Currently I play Warcraft III, CS:S, and Monster Hunter Freedom 2 (It's not an internet game, but my time log for it is well over 500 hours.) Not to mention, before I quit playing world of warcraft, for curiosity's sake I added up the /played across my characters and was met with an amount of time that was greater than 1.5 years spent online. To put it simply I thought quitting WoW would free me from this beast of an addiction, but to quit I merely replaced it with other vices.
Internet Pornography Addiction: Oh yes, this one is fun. In sixth grade (12 years ago?) I discovered pornography, and my life has been pretty fucked up ever since. I'm extremely shy and often berate myself for some of the things I've seen, and have tried to quit multiple times myself, but it's...hard. I don't really feel the need to elaborate much on this one as I think the first three words sum up the problem quite nicely.
I attended university for less than a quarter. Things were going alright, aside from the fact that I was 200 miles away from home for the first time ever and left to my own devices. Eventually I stopped going to class, started buying high shelf liquor, and stopped buying other groceries. I then started to only eat drive thru for about a month, and things went downhill. This was after I had attended counseling and psychiatry on campus, taken loads of different anti depressants, and decided to kill myself. I attended class for seven weeks out of a twelve week quarter, made zero friends and on a daily basis would say about seven words, basically "hello" to a teacher or two, etc. Two failed suicide attempts later I'm back in my hometown, a broken husk of my original existence, but starting to realize that my life won't magically turn around unless I try. It's really hard to talk about your problems, especially to family (I'd say friends, but I really only have one left and that friendship is straining, wouldn't want to complicate it with a whole shitload of problems.)
I don't exercise and have a largely negative, but true, self image. I view myself as a worthless fatass, because I am. It was my therapist that pointed out to me that I often speak negatively of myself and then asked me to count it (I don't have access to a therapist anymore but in a 3 hour period I found that I insulted or berated myself no less than thirty times, and stopped counting after that.)
In tenth grade, and yes it seems to me as though I can't really get over the past. My friend of over nine years drove a knife into my back by stealing money (and other things) from me, her friend of nine years, for drugs. It still keeps me up at nights, all the shit we'd gone through together. And it wasn't even a serious drug addiction, only marijuana (at least that I know of.) It really made me question how long she had actually been my friend, or if I was ever anything but a mark. I still occasionally have dreams about this, too. I'll sleep and all of a sudden it will turn into a dream about how she was framed, etc, and all kinds of other crap I wake to think that for a second that maybe it was really a conspiracy, maybe she didn...fuck, well, you get the point--my subconscious tormenting me with falsities.
I'll back track even further, this is the second to last paragraph. In third grade I was friends with someone questionable, not to me but to my other friend at the time. And that friend presented me with a decision (what I would later find out to be an ultimatum) which was ditch one for the other--made my choice and sent a little girl home crying. I saw her again in 8th and 9th grade, she wouldn't even look at me let alone speak to me. yes, this too keeps me up at nights.
Back when I was in Davis (at university) I tried to kill myself in two ways, first by going off my very required, but slow building meds (Which would end in my death three months later, had I not started swallowing them again, and also with a knife to the wrists. I don't have a scar, but I had so much vodka that night that I fell asleep with a knife pressed to my left wrist and firmly grasped in my right hand. I also tormented my two actual friends, which is now down to one thanks to my actions, with emails. The emails consisted of long messages tat I won't post here, but the summation of which was that I was killing myself and if they told anyone I would do it before anyone could brake through my locked door. Quite an emotional toll to put on another human being.
I'd like to sum things up in a tl;dr, but the truth of the matter is that this post is that quick summation. I've asked for PA's help before, to no avail. Maybe this time it'll make a difference? Sorry for the long read.
I play a large number of games weekly, to the point that I haven't seen outside in at least three days and hadn't showered in the past week (before today.) This used to be World of Warcraft, which I left of my own volition, but i've now substituted one hell for another. Currently I play Warcraft III, CS:S, and Monster Hunter Freedom 2 (It's not an internet game, but my time log for it is well over 500 hours.) Not to mention, before I quit playing world of warcraft, for curiosity's sake I added up the /played across my characters and was met with an amount of time that was greater than 1.5 years spent online. To put it simply I thought quitting WoW would free me from this beast of an addiction, but to quit I merely replaced it with other vices.
Internet Pornography Addiction: Oh yes, this one is fun. In sixth grade (12 years ago?) I discovered pornography, and my life has been pretty fucked up ever since. I'm extremely shy and often berate myself for some of the things I've seen, and have tried to quit multiple times myself, but it's...hard. I don't really feel the need to elaborate much on this one as I think the first three words sum up the problem quite nicely.
I attended university for less than a quarter. Things were going alright, aside from the fact that I was 200 miles away from home for the first time ever and left to my own devices. Eventually I stopped going to class, started buying high shelf liquor, and stopped buying other groceries. I then started to only eat drive thru for about a month, and things went downhill. This was after I had attended counseling and psychiatry on campus, taken loads of different anti depressants, and decided to kill myself. I attended class for seven weeks out of a twelve week quarter, made zero friends and on a daily basis would say about seven words, basically "hello" to a teacher or two, etc. Two failed suicide attempts later I'm back in my hometown, a broken husk of my original existence, but starting to realize that my life won't magically turn around unless I try. It's really hard to talk about your problems, especially to family (I'd say friends, but I really only have one left and that friendship is straining, wouldn't want to complicate it with a whole shitload of problems.)
I don't exercise and have a largely negative, but true, self image. I view myself as a worthless fatass, because I am. It was my therapist that pointed out to me that I often speak negatively of myself and then asked me to count it (I don't have access to a therapist anymore but in a 3 hour period I found that I insulted or berated myself no less than thirty times, and stopped counting after that.)
In tenth grade, and yes it seems to me as though I can't really get over the past. My friend of over nine years drove a knife into my back by stealing money (and other things) from me, her friend of nine years, for drugs. It still keeps me up at nights, all the shit we'd gone through together. And it wasn't even a serious drug addiction, only marijuana (at least that I know of.) It really made me question how long she had actually been my friend, or if I was ever anything but a mark. I still occasionally have dreams about this, too. I'll sleep and all of a sudden it will turn into a dream about how she was framed, etc, and all kinds of other crap I wake to think that for a second that maybe it was really a conspiracy, maybe she didn...fuck, well, you get the point--my subconscious tormenting me with falsities.
I'll back track even further, this is the second to last paragraph. In third grade I was friends with someone questionable, not to me but to my other friend at the time. And that friend presented me with a decision (what I would later find out to be an ultimatum) which was ditch one for the other--made my choice and sent a little girl home crying. I saw her again in 8th and 9th grade, she wouldn't even look at me let alone speak to me. yes, this too keeps me up at nights.
Back when I was in Davis (at university) I tried to kill myself in two ways, first by going off my very required, but slow building meds (Which would end in my death three months later, had I not started swallowing them again, and also with a knife to the wrists. I don't have a scar, but I had so much vodka that night that I fell asleep with a knife pressed to my left wrist and firmly grasped in my right hand. I also tormented my two actual friends, which is now down to one thanks to my actions, with emails. The emails consisted of long messages tat I won't post here, but the summation of which was that I was killing myself and if they told anyone I would do it before anyone could brake through my locked door. Quite an emotional toll to put on another human being.
I'd like to sum things up in a tl;dr, but the truth of the matter is that this post is that quick summation. I've asked for PA's help before, to no avail. Maybe this time it'll make a difference? Sorry for the long read.
It's a warm feeling when you realize that people share your views...
Sandra Lee and Rachel Ray raped food.
Lackadaisical on
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Snap your video card in half. Use onboard. Cancel internet. Cut your power cable with scissors
There was a guy on here not too long ago who went cold turkey on all things gaming/PC related and put his life back together. It inspired other posters on here to do the same.
People will argue for and against porn addictions on the internet, but you obviously see it as a problem. For me, I saw it begin to create a false impression of human interaction in my life. So I stop for weeks at a time. The first week you stop is ALWAYS the hardest. Much like any addiction, your environment will play a large role in pressuring you back into your addiction. If you watch from your couch and sit at your computer, your body will likely tell you what you're usually at that place to do. Either stay away from those places or prime those areas with other activities like reading or puzzles. It never gets easy, but it does get less difficult over time. Believe me.
As for your emotional issues. Call your local suicide hot line. They're trained for this (and some instances are professionally paid). They actually care. They'll help you deal with problems and provide better solutions than H/A ever could. Posting here shows signs that you want to change, which is always a great step. It's up to you, and not us, to be willing to take the next steps.
I elected to not post the hundred or so questions that I have in that regard in the Fitness thread, but I guess I'll have to get to it in the next couple days.
Ima PM you my AIM if you want someone to dump on in real time though, I don't mind.
All that crap is done. You have no control over it, and it's not going anywhere, so I'd suggest you stop drinking to blur it out.
Basically the bulk of your problem is that you think you're a piece of shit - which has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're doing things despite you knowing better (hence why you made this post). So, what you MUST do is gain some self-esteem. Positive thoughts yield positive results.
I second going to the gym and cutting down drastically on computer use. If you can't control yourself, then get rid of things that cause you to make these mistakes (get rid of your computer cables and send them to a friend or home, only use the computer after your work is done, only drink when other people around you are drinking, etc.) and tell others what you're doing and help them reinforce your resolve.
Your self-image as a piece of shit person is coloring the way you see yourself and the world. How can you be friends with someone else when you automatically assume they think you're an asshole? You can't.
You have the capability and potential to improve your life and like yourself more - you need to realize that potential.
Over a three month period I went from effexor, to prozac, to ...I don't know? There were four in total, each more than a few weeks to set in sans alcohol to no effect.At one point I was on two at the same time, Prozac and something else, but none of it really worked.
Ok, that's not entirely true...the last one I was on was Effexor, and it was working. I wasn't depressed, was getting shit done. But I couldn't sleep--massive insomnia. I'd want to go to sleep, lie down and try to go to sleep and fail, so I'd get up and be falling asleep in a chair, go to bed again; repeat. Took myself off it (Was the last I was on, and No longer have insurance, etc, so no more psychiatry.
Without chemical help its a big effort, and we aren't doctors so we cant diagnose you. But it seems you have been at least diagnosed with some form of depression(?) and understanding and combating that is a start. Its often a two pronged attack, with exercise, habit changes, social and work fulfillment going alongside chemical balances. So dont feel that this is your fault, or who you are, it is an illness, and can be combated. I was lucky, anti-depressents were extremely effective for me (lexipro, very mild), and combined with free counseling I feel like a different person, or more accurately I feel like me, who I was underneath all the unbalance and sickness that depression causes.
All the other advice given so far is spot on. But as I said, its often a two pronged attack when it comes to dealing with this sort of thing, and its very long term, as when you remove depression or start to improve your life, all the bad habits are still there. But my main concern is your negative thoughts and the way you give paranoid and anxious thoughts so much weight mentally, its a sign of serious depression, or at least it was for me, and it can be changed, that is important for you to know.
Im sorry I cant offer more direct help, but it took me a lot of support from my peers and a good clinic to get the help that finally stuck. But its always something you have to be vigilant about, but really without chemical help it can be almost impossible to combat, because you are undermined at every turn.