Help me help my brother with his girl problem.
MiserableMirth
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Registered User regular
I have a fraternal twin brother, we're close, and he usual seeks my advice and I'm happy to give it. Usually I think I do an okay job, but this is a problem I don't have experience with so I could use some advice.
His girlfriend asked for a break in the relationship. Out of his many relationships this is the first time he has ever been dumped (well, sorta dumped), and he is taking it pretty hard.
She is a freshman at a college about an hour away. They worked it out so they saw each other at least once during the week and during most of the the weekend. She is a nice, pretty, and ambitious girl. When she asked for a break, she said she still had feelings for him but she was just confused right now. She's not sure if she wants to be in a relationship right now during her time in college.
Where shit really baffles me is that she sends him text telling him how much she cares about him and how she misses him. She sends hims messages like "you're one of the most wonderful people I know."
My cynical mind tells me that it's another guy or that she really does like him, but wants to keep her options open in this delicate time in her life. If someone better doesn't come along, then she still has him as a backup plan.
But fuck, I don't know. I have never been confused whether I wanted to be with someone or not, so it's hard for me to believe. How likely is it that she is authentically confused?
I think it's a pretty fucked up thing to do to someone. Dumping someone at least gives them the benefit of closure. This puts him in some limbo where he can't be with her but doesn't want to let go and I know it's eating him up.
Any advice? So far I have just tried to be supportive and try to be in good spirits with him, but I haven't really had any solid advice that might help him.
His girlfriend asked for a break in the relationship. Out of his many relationships this is the first time he has ever been dumped (well, sorta dumped), and he is taking it pretty hard.
She is a freshman at a college about an hour away. They worked it out so they saw each other at least once during the week and during most of the the weekend. She is a nice, pretty, and ambitious girl. When she asked for a break, she said she still had feelings for him but she was just confused right now. She's not sure if she wants to be in a relationship right now during her time in college.
Where shit really baffles me is that she sends him text telling him how much she cares about him and how she misses him. She sends hims messages like "you're one of the most wonderful people I know."
My cynical mind tells me that it's another guy or that she really does like him, but wants to keep her options open in this delicate time in her life. If someone better doesn't come along, then she still has him as a backup plan.
But fuck, I don't know. I have never been confused whether I wanted to be with someone or not, so it's hard for me to believe. How likely is it that she is authentically confused?
I think it's a pretty fucked up thing to do to someone. Dumping someone at least gives them the benefit of closure. This puts him in some limbo where he can't be with her but doesn't want to let go and I know it's eating him up.
Any advice? So far I have just tried to be supportive and try to be in good spirits with him, but I haven't really had any solid advice that might help him.
MiserableMirth on
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Something has her thinking twice about her relationship with your bro. She has a lot invested in it and can't just let go.
Basically she's sugar coating it for herself as much as for him. If she's not communicating with him about things like ... whatever is bothering her... Well, She's just not ready for a serious relationship.
He should break up with her and not extend the time he feels like shit about this. He should honestly ask himself, if she really cared about him, would she want a break? A break is bullshit, it's a way of stringing someone along while you look for something better. Break up, learn from the experience, remember the good times and move on.
but yea, freshman in college relationship? Those usually aren't forever...
I'm not saying its a magic fix all solution but it worked for me.
She already told him her reasons so there is also no reason to doubt them. She is confused about whether she wants to be in a relationship or not. Simple enough, regardless of her personal reasons behind them.
If she wants a break though, then maybe she should stop texting him how much she thinks he is wonderful, and take an actual break.
Your brother should ask about, or set, ground rules? Are they able to see other people being the most important.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Fixed for my anecdotal experience with good girls going bad.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
If he's decided it's a breakup, he needs to *actually* treat it like a breakup and give himself the distance he needs to move on. Most people can't slip right back into friends mode, and there's no reason they should have to. If he's never been dumped, he might not easily recognize what he needs to do now, and that may be his real problem.
Distance means not answering the phone if it's her, not responding to (or maybe even reading) her texts or IMs for a while, finding himself other things to do to help take his mind off it sometimes. It doesn't have to be forever.. just till he's had time to sort things out. It doesn't matter what's going on with her during this time because the results are the same: she doesn't want a relationship, so he needs to move on.
If he's not treating it like a breakup, it changes things. I don't really have much experience with "breaks" leading to "get-back-together's"
And also the whole freshman in college / new guys around thing. That is probably more likely, I'm just throwing an alternative out there.
The bottom line is you're a different person when you graduate college than when you begin. If it's not another dude, she's just changed.
Either way, your brother shouldn't feel bad. This isn't a full rejection, this is a person maturing into the adult they'll become and realizing that they're not compatible. Sure the "break" talk is kinda crappy, but he needs to read between the lines and prepare for a breakup.
Summer is approaching, there's a reason she's doing this now. Wouldn't it be better to end it now rather than after months of hanging out together over the summer and then end it during the first semester next year?
It sucks, but he can move on and be just fine.
And emphasize that it's OK, and he should look for a new girl that isn't as flaky or is at least local. Point out that it's not at all uncommon, and it is far more likely simply a distance issue than anything he did wrong (since that is 99% of the reason people break up when they first get to college).
Wants to see other people. It's college. She's young. There are other interesting guys out there. It's what people do when they go away to college.
The chances of her just wanting time off from the relationship are slim to nil....there is almost certainty that she is hanging around with other dudes that seem to be super awesome, and is reevaluating her relationship as it stands, and trying to think about what relationships with these new guys would be like.
And, as other people have said, she most likely wants this 'break' in case she tries to get 'in' with these guys further, and things don't work out. She will feel much less guilty about any potential sexual encounters/relationship tries to pursue because she is technically 'not in a relationship'...which is why that whole break thing is usually bullshit. Plus, now that she is 'single', she will likely tell her friends and see if anything comes of it.
Unless he is super duper committed it is not worth his time to pursue the relationship any further--she has already placed a seed of doubt in his head and that will never go away.
And thanks a lot for the advice. It's nice to get some perspective on this.
I'll tell him to treat it as a break up. He has made a rule for himself not to call her and keep his distance. I'll tell him to go a step further and not to answer her calls or read her messages. I think the messages she sends him make it worse because it confuses him.
Again, I appreciate the help.
She actually was not chicken to dump him, she did it and now is trying to keep him on a drawer in case the other toy does not play alone.
I think there's a nice, non-aggressive, middle ground that can be come to, here.
Either the OP's brother is fine with "taking a break" and will treat it as such, or he will end it once and for all. Regardless, we don't know what's going on with this girl, and her meeting someone else is possible, but certainly not the only reason to take a break.
I've been in a similar situation before, and I don't think that there should be any expectation that the people involved are "waiting for each other." Your brother shouldn't go out of his way, but if he meets another girl he should feel free to break it off with long-distance-freshman. The best advise I can give is not to fall to either extreme, don't let it effect his day-to-day, and don't expect for everything to be just dandy. If you don't freak out over this, then you don't freak out. Pretty simple.
EDIT: Or your brother could just, you know, talk to the girl about it?
This thread is for me as much as it is for him. I don't like seeing him bummed out and don't like being clueless on the subject. I know I can't solve his problems but it's nice to at least give some insightful advice. This thread has been very helpful.
You can't always expect a clear answer, true.
I think the best advise that a lot of people have given, in one way or another, is that if they aren't together your brother shouldn't feel compelled to act like they're together. If he relaxes and is open to meeting someone else there shouldn't be any remorse if he starts seeing someone else, provided he makes it clear to long-distance-freshman.