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What the fuck have I gotten myself into? [UPDATE]
Mr. Quark
__BANNED USERS regular
__BANNED USERS regular
What the fuck have I gotten myself into?
Right, I’ll go to the start. About 7 years ago I met this guy, let’s call him Number One. I took an instant liking to him. He was hot, smart, funny; everything. But before I knew it I was stuck in the “friend zone†for 7 long years. And all the while my crush on him carried on endlessly, getting a bit stronger with each passing year. But he was oblivious to how I felt about him and just thought of me as a mate. One of his best mates in fact, and it was this that I never pursued any attempt at a relationship with him. Out of respect for his boundaries because at the time I was certain he was straight, but I’ll come back to that later.
About 2 years ago now, I met another guy when I started college. And we’ll call him Number Two. And like with Number One, I fell for him. I know, I know. I’m an idiot, but I did. And my attraction to him wasn’t helped by the fact that he was openly bisexual, and that he formed a running joke between us that we would act like we’re boyfriends. Needless to say I didn’t stop the joke because I loved him acting like that towards me, even if it was just a joke.
My feelings towards Number Two took a severe beating when I found out that a girl I had come to think of as one of my closest mates had a crush on him. And an even more severe beating when she started dating him. Now normally if this happened with anyone else except Number Two or even Number One (who has had numerous girlfriends since I’ve known him) I’d lose interest, but even with this girl dating Number Two, I still couldn’t lose interest in him.
But now’s where it gets tricky. Number One didn’t talk to me or anyone close to me for ages. Then a few days ago he suddenly talked to me on MSN messenger.
Now just like Number Two, Number One and I joke around about being gay together all the time. But now onto the matter at hand:
Aside from occasional long-standing crushes on a few guys and some celebrities, I don’t really think of myself as gay. God knows I’m curious about it. And it turns out Number One is too.
Because during this conversation we had we got talking about this kind of stuff and it turns out he’s been thinking about gay stuff for the past 6 months, and that whenever he thought about it he thought about it with me, and never anybody else. And through this conversation we ended up finding out we were both curious about gay sex, so we sort of ended up talking about someday doing it with each other to find out if it “agree with usâ€. But we both decided that we needed time to work up the nerve to go through with it.
At the same time that conversation was going on, I got really depressed and pissed off with the world, mostly because of my mates. You see, they had taken to spouting homophobic insults, and with me thinking I might be gay, it was too much for me and it pissed me off. So I fucked off and left them to their bigoted fucking opinions.
But I was so fed up with, like, having to hide my guy-loving feelings, so I did something that I now really regret. I looked up Number Two’s e-mail address and sent him a long e-mail about my long-standing crush on him and just told him everything about how I felt about him.
I’ve still gotten no reply, and to be honest, I’m quite glad he’s not replied. Cause I don’t know what I want from this. On part of me wants him to feel the same way, but part of me wants him to ignore it completely.
I’m just so messed up right now I can’t even sleep.
So I just need some advice on how to deal with all this shit going on. I don’t want to get out of it cause I do really want to experiment with Number One, I just need to know how I can deal with this all without getting insomnia and starting to cry at random times.
Right, I’ll go to the start. About 7 years ago I met this guy, let’s call him Number One. I took an instant liking to him. He was hot, smart, funny; everything. But before I knew it I was stuck in the “friend zone†for 7 long years. And all the while my crush on him carried on endlessly, getting a bit stronger with each passing year. But he was oblivious to how I felt about him and just thought of me as a mate. One of his best mates in fact, and it was this that I never pursued any attempt at a relationship with him. Out of respect for his boundaries because at the time I was certain he was straight, but I’ll come back to that later.
About 2 years ago now, I met another guy when I started college. And we’ll call him Number Two. And like with Number One, I fell for him. I know, I know. I’m an idiot, but I did. And my attraction to him wasn’t helped by the fact that he was openly bisexual, and that he formed a running joke between us that we would act like we’re boyfriends. Needless to say I didn’t stop the joke because I loved him acting like that towards me, even if it was just a joke.
My feelings towards Number Two took a severe beating when I found out that a girl I had come to think of as one of my closest mates had a crush on him. And an even more severe beating when she started dating him. Now normally if this happened with anyone else except Number Two or even Number One (who has had numerous girlfriends since I’ve known him) I’d lose interest, but even with this girl dating Number Two, I still couldn’t lose interest in him.
But now’s where it gets tricky. Number One didn’t talk to me or anyone close to me for ages. Then a few days ago he suddenly talked to me on MSN messenger.
Now just like Number Two, Number One and I joke around about being gay together all the time. But now onto the matter at hand:
Aside from occasional long-standing crushes on a few guys and some celebrities, I don’t really think of myself as gay. God knows I’m curious about it. And it turns out Number One is too.
Because during this conversation we had we got talking about this kind of stuff and it turns out he’s been thinking about gay stuff for the past 6 months, and that whenever he thought about it he thought about it with me, and never anybody else. And through this conversation we ended up finding out we were both curious about gay sex, so we sort of ended up talking about someday doing it with each other to find out if it “agree with usâ€. But we both decided that we needed time to work up the nerve to go through with it.
At the same time that conversation was going on, I got really depressed and pissed off with the world, mostly because of my mates. You see, they had taken to spouting homophobic insults, and with me thinking I might be gay, it was too much for me and it pissed me off. So I fucked off and left them to their bigoted fucking opinions.
But I was so fed up with, like, having to hide my guy-loving feelings, so I did something that I now really regret. I looked up Number Two’s e-mail address and sent him a long e-mail about my long-standing crush on him and just told him everything about how I felt about him.
I’ve still gotten no reply, and to be honest, I’m quite glad he’s not replied. Cause I don’t know what I want from this. On part of me wants him to feel the same way, but part of me wants him to ignore it completely.
I’m just so messed up right now I can’t even sleep.
So I just need some advice on how to deal with all this shit going on. I don’t want to get out of it cause I do really want to experiment with Number One, I just need to know how I can deal with this all without getting insomnia and starting to cry at random times.
The accumulated filth of all their hackin’ and wackin’ will foam up about their waists, and when all the ghouls and wastlanders of Megaton look up and shout “save us!†I’ll look down and whisper…
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
Mr. Quark on
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I suppose I would take a military outlook on this: hope for the best, but plan for the worst. No matter what happens, you'll very likely be fine - it sounds like you've got your head screwed on mostly straight, and if anyone does cruelly reject you, you won't need us to tell you that it's a result of their problems - not yours.
You'll be fine. Go smoke a cigarette or drink a beer or pack a bowl or whatever your poison of habit is, and let the drama seep out of you.
You've still got that first guy, if both of you want to explore the gay side of things then nothing is going to stop you. If you want this to be more than just sex you should put that on the table too. Maybe first go on a regular date with him to catch up and see if he is at all interested in romance (as opposed to just sexsexsex).
If all of it doesn't work then yeah, it will suck, for a while. In that case go out and meet new people. Just..you know.. try to make your intention clear a little quicker, it saves a lot of Pride & Prejudice bullshitting.
Is #2 still dating the girl? Regardless, I really think you and he need to speak face-to-face about your feelings. It doesn't have to be weird if you both speak maturely, I find a lot of the uncomfortableness people have with gay people is that they think they will develop feelings and then magically coerce you into sex. By speaking to him in person you can get a direct answer from him and deal with it by getting closure.
With #1, not to sound simplistic but have you tried just hanging out and holding hands or going on a date, to 'test the waters' so to speak but to take it slow? I think taking things slowly is the key here and ensuring you are both comfortable at all times.
The best of luck to you!
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
The only problem you might have is if Number Two feels the same way as you but doesn't reveal it until after you and Number One have had sex and ended up falling for eachother. But there's only a minute, teeny-tiny chance of that outcome, so just relax. Whatever will be, will be.
And this
Contradict each other. Obviously I don't know you, and sexually is a big bucket of vagueness sometimes, but reading through your op you struck me as really confused about your own sexuality. You might want to figure that out before jumping into bed with anyone. Especially considering that you apparently fall hard and fast for a select few.
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
Then again, its your life, and your choice, and if you feel you need to do sleep with a guy to find out if your actually gay then there really isn't a thing we can do to stop you except give you possibly alternatives.
Just, be careful. If you do go to bed with Number One you could be in for an inconcievable ammount of awkwardness afterwards.
If both you and Guy One are comfortable saying, "I don't know if I'm gay or bi or curious or what, but I'd like to try with you and see where it goes," and you both keep communicating openly, then the worst thing that happens is that you try it and one of you ends up going, "Nope, sorry, not working in reality. Never mind." And yeah, that's going to suck. But you're single, as I understand it, and have someone you're interested in that you know is interested in you. If it's a door you're ready to open, open it. Just be aware of what you're doing.
Looks like problem solved.
Just thinking you are gay or worrying you are gay doesn't necessarily mean you are gay. There is something called HOCD in which someone obsesses about being homosexual even if they aren't or there is no real evidence to suggest they are.
(Sorry - I know I come off as an OCD nut here - I just happen to know this because I have normal OCD and I've done a considerable amount of research on it. Does not necessarily apply to the OP's case, just stating it is a possibility.)
OP: If you have this much anxiety, maybe you should seek therapy? I mean I really don't know how you feel but if you're chronically worried or anxious, perhaps seeing someone can help.
I know, from personal experience hanging out with friends ranging from black to white and gay to straight to whatever, you act differently amongst different social groups. It's how it is. I'm not going to say something is "gay" around an openly gay friend, but I will use it amongst another group. There's jokes I tell based on what specific races of people are present. Everyone does it.
I'm just sayin', from what it sounds like unless you've talked to your friends about it, they're probably thinking "What an asshole he just left one day for like no fucking reason". I mean, have you told your friends that you're offended by what they're saying around you? Because it doesn't sound like it, at all, really
So you talk to your mum the same way you talk to your drinking buddies?
One of my college friends once told me that the best way for a guy to think about this stuff is to masturbate until orgasm. Then, in the following 2-3 minutes when your mind is clear from the hormones, think about whoever it is you're crushing on and see if you still feel the same. I don't know if this is true or if it'd help at all, but maybe you could try it and think of one of your crushes, then think of...I have no idea, it doesn't sound like you've got a crush at all on any women?
It's just an idea, I always thought it was pretty funny and wondered if it was true
Number Two got in contact a few days ago. He'd read the e-mail, and we got talking and he told me in perfectly clear terms that he doesn't feel the same way about me. So that's perfectly and neatly resolved.
Now for the interesting side of this story. Number One and I have met up a few times and we've advanced slightly in our plans with each other. We've jacked off around each other. And jacked each other off. And the more times I do that the more sure I am that I'm gay or bisexual. I've got no problems with being that, it's just an obvservation.
P.S: One minor downside is by comparing my dick to Number One's I feel inadequate. But that's not important
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
On #2. Good. It's resolved. Hopefully he tried to be polite about it. If you see him around, just be friendly to him and move on.
#1. Glad it's working out. Take it at your own pace and enjoy the ride.
Oh, and don't work about the dick size thing. I know couples where the guy with the smaller dick can drive the other one absolutely wild regardless. As they say, it's all in how you use it.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
And on the lime: :winky::winky::winky::winky::winky:
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
kind of this. depends on what they were saying though. i've gotten in a lot of trouble with a friend who wants to swap genders for... well, treating h/er the same as I always would... which is no preferential treatment and willing to poke fun at the issues they were having... which i'd expect if it were me. The argument basically resulted in me saying "I dont want to be treated special" and the reply being "But I want to be treated special".
Again, was't there and cant say if its bigoted or not, but I think you need to re-think whether your friends were being offensive, or just jerking around like they always would in an effort to NOT seem like they are treating you differently.
Seriously.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
Also, on the 'inadequate' thing, how big of a difference in size are we talking about here? I mean, how big is he and how big are you? If you don't mind me asking
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
This has changed focus quite a lot...we went from your situation to discussing dick size...
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
It's the internet. It's ALWAYS about dick size.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
Most people aren't porn stars and most people don't want two coke cans working their way in.
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
But this has gone off topic. When are you seeing Number One again? And will you be doing the mutual jack-off thing or will it be 'sucky sucky' time? :winky:
…Tunnel Snakes Rule
Also this thread has just been me and you talking for ages now.
Also glad you and Number One ended up well, and good to hear that Number Two didn't let you down roughly. That can be a bitch.
P.S: Not trying to egg you into it if you're not ready, but from experience giving a blowjob is one of the most oddly satisfying experiences in life for a gay guy. I personally find giving them more exciting than getting them. Plus, if he's really 7.5", don't try to get it all in at once. Go slow. Tease him :winky: haha
…Tunnel Snakes Rule