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It sounds like this is the type of thing that is eating OP up inside. He needs to tell her just as much (probably moreso) than she needs to hear it.
So he needs to break his girlfriend's heart and inflict pain on her that'll lead to permanent trust issues so he doesn't have to feel bad about what he did? Bullshit.
I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who's been cheated on more than once. There's a time and place for honesty about this kind of stuff, and now is not that time. The OP is just going to inflict a lot of needless hurt by telling her, and he's going to prevent a lot of needless hurt by shutting his damn fool mouth.
You all keep masking your desire to avoid conflict and your own hurt by saying "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." And THAT is bullshit. There's always a chance that she will find out, and she deserves to know because painful or no, it is in her best interest to know what her partner does when she isn't around.
In conclusion, stop being giant self-serving pussies. Relationships aren't about "what's best for me?" They are about "What is best for us?" Cheating and then lying about is not best for any "us" out there.
And I would want to be told. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would be infinitely more pissed if I somehow found out later than if my wife/girlfriend just came out and told me.
For what it's worth, I only think the OP is a terrible person if: 1) the relationship is exclusive, and 2) he continues it without telling her he cheated.
This is basically what I can into the thread to say. Relationships & marriage are based on trust and honesty, and if you're already going to start being dishonest now what's it going to be like 5 years from now? A relationship built on lies can only end badly simply because, at least from what I've observed, they always find out and it only gets worse the longer it takes.
It sounds like this is the type of thing that is eating OP up inside. He needs to tell her just as much (probably moreso) than she needs to hear it.
So he needs to break his girlfriend's heart and inflict pain on her that'll lead to permanent trust issues so he doesn't have to feel bad about what he did? Bullshit.
And I'm with BlindZenDriver 100%, if my fiancée made out with someone at a party, I'd be infinitely happier not knowing about it.
I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who's been cheated on more than once. There's a time and place for honesty about this kind of stuff, and now is not that time. The OP is just going to inflict a lot of needless hurt by telling her, and he's going to prevent a lot of needless hurt by shutting his damn fool mouth.
If my fiancee made out with some other guy then she wouldn't be my fiancee any more, and I would much rather know that, painful as it is, before she were to become my wife.
jclast on
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NappuccinoSurveyor of Things and StuffRegistered Userregular
edited May 2009
If I were the op's girlfriend, I would want to know. I would want to be able to trust my boyfriend enough that, if he did cheat he would atleast have the decency to tell me. Does that make it easier?
No. But since when are relationships easy? Honesty isn't easy but it is worth it. Like others have said, what if she finds out through the pipe line, someone else tells her? It could just be the slip of the tongue "Oh I wonder where he went with that girl that night, they were sure gone a long time" or w/e.
Is that better?
I think that would hurt much more than hearing it from you.
Sure, you might want to wait until she gets back here so you can tell her in person and hopefully she'll be able to tell that you are a) telling the truth about what happened (not covering up details etc) and b) you're honest about never wanting to do that again.
That said, there is also the chance that you might not reclaim your feeling for her once she comes back. I think that is a rare chance (usually if you like someone once, that feeling sticks unless something really heavy happens between the two of you)
Anyway. I do think you should keep thinking about what this means for your relationship with the girl. If you want to keep going out with her or not (you might even need to wait until she returns for the final judgement. But you should tell her.
You all keep masking your desire to avoid conflict and your own hurt by saying "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." And THAT is bullshit. There's always a chance that she will find out, and she deserves to know because painful or no, it is in her best interest to know what her partner does when she isn't around.
Thank you for your clinical opinion, mister armchair psychologist. It's good to know that any opinion which differs with yours is clearly the result of some sort of denial or cowardice rather than logic, observation, or personal experience.
You all keep masking your desire to avoid conflict and your own hurt by saying "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." And THAT is bullshit. There's always a chance that she will find out, and she deserves to know because painful or no, it is in her best interest to know what her partner does when she isn't around.
Thank you for your clinical opinion, mister armchair psychologist. It's good to know that any opinion which differs with yours is clearly the result of some sort of denial or cowardice rather than logic, observation, or personal experience.
And how exactly is it in anybody's best interest to be cheated on? The fact that he did something bad enough that he doesn't want to tell her should be proof enough that he _needs_ to tell her.
General rule: If it would fuck things up for her to see it happen then she deserves to hear from you that it _did_ happen.
Besides, if he really wanted to hang on to the relationship, respected her at all, or cared even a little bit about her feelings then he wouldn't have had his tongue in some other chick's mouth in the first place.
It sounds like this is the type of thing that is eating OP up inside. He needs to tell her just as much (probably moreso) than she needs to hear it.
So he needs to break his girlfriend's heart and inflict pain on her that'll lead to permanent trust issues so he doesn't have to feel bad about what he did? Bullshit.
I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who's been cheated on more than once. There's a time and place for honesty about this kind of stuff, and now is not that time. The OP is just going to inflict a lot of needless hurt by telling her, and he's going to prevent a lot of needless hurt by shutting his damn fool mouth.
You all keep masking your desire to avoid conflict and your own hurt by saying "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." And THAT is bullshit. There's always a chance that she will find out, and she deserves to know because painful or no, it is in her best interest to know what her partner does when she isn't around.
In conclusion, stop being giant self-serving pussies. Relationships aren't about "what's best for me?" They are about "What is best for us?" Cheating and then lying about is not best for any "us" out there.
If you agree that relationships aren't "what's best for me?" then why would you try and absolve your guilt by pushing it onto your partner for them to deal with?
This isn't about the being self-serving. Quite the opposite in fact. The OP already feels horrible. If this is a one time mistake and he decides it won't happen again, then there is no reason to tell her. The only consequence of that would be to hurt his GF.
Telling always seems to come from: "I feel horrible, what can I do to feel better?" It's not about someone else at all, it's pure selfishness.
You seem to come from the premise that lying is always wrong. This is incorrect. We lie all the time for good reasons (like to spare someone's feelings).
Proto on
and her knees up on the glove compartment
took out her barrettes and her hair spilled out like rootbeer
It sounds like this is the type of thing that is eating OP up inside. He needs to tell her just as much (probably moreso) than she needs to hear it.
So he needs to break his girlfriend's heart and inflict pain on her that'll lead to permanent trust issues so he doesn't have to feel bad about what he did? Bullshit.
I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who's been cheated on more than once. There's a time and place for honesty about this kind of stuff, and now is not that time. The OP is just going to inflict a lot of needless hurt by telling her, and he's going to prevent a lot of needless hurt by shutting his damn fool mouth.
You all keep masking your desire to avoid conflict and your own hurt by saying "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." And THAT is bullshit. There's always a chance that she will find out, and she deserves to know because painful or no, it is in her best interest to know what her partner does when she isn't around.
In conclusion, stop being giant self-serving pussies. Relationships aren't about "what's best for me?" They are about "What is best for us?" Cheating and then lying about is not best for any "us" out there.
If you agree that relationships aren't "what's best for me?" then why would you try and absolve your guilt by pushing it onto your partner for them to deal with?
This isn't about the being self-serving. Quite the opposite in fact. The OP already feels horrible. If this is a one time mistake and he decides it won't happen again, then there is no reason to tell her. The only consequence of that would be to hurt his GF.
Telling always seems to come from: "I feel horrible, what can I do to feel better?" It's not about someone else at all, it's pure selfishness.
You seem to come from the premise that lying is always wrong. This is incorrect. We lie all the time for good reasons (like to spare someone's feelings).
In this case I come from the premise of "she deserves to know so that she can decide whether she wants to date a guy who doesn't know what 'exclusive' means" and from the premise of "if I was cheated on I would want to know it now rather than only maybe knowing it later."
If she ends up being okay with it and they stay together and he never cheats again then that's great. If not, she has every right to dump his ass for not being faithful.
Does it suck that she will possibly (probably) get hurt? Yes. But it sucks more to keep a relationship going on a lie.
That doesn't make a damn bit of sense. She deserved to know that he cheated so that she can choose whether or not she wants to continue their relationship.
Here's the problem with this line of thinking. When you cheat on someone and then "come clean", you're shoving the responsibility of determining consequences off on the person you cheated on. You're saying, "I cheated, how are you going to deal with it?"
Kate of Lokys wrote a post on this subject that has stuck with me since I read it. Her hypothesis is that if you're the person who cheated, you have an obligation to do whatever hurts least the person you cheated on. If she can live the rest of her life blissfully unaware, the OP would be doing unnecessary harm by telling her. If there's a good likelihood that she's going to find out, though, she needs to find out in the way that will cause her the least amount of emotional anguish.
It's naive at best to assume that honesty is always the best policy. In this particular situation, the truth can do nothing but hurt a girl at a time when she's very vulnerable. Discretion, on the other hand, results in nobody getting hurt, except maybe for the OP internalizing his guilt over this and learning his lesson.
Am I being Machiavellian about this? Sure. But the alternative is to wreck a relationship and cause an innocent person needless pain over something as trivial as a makeout session. The OP sounds like he realizes he fucked up, and this doesn't sound like it went past first base (so there are no STD/Pregnancy risks here), so the "right thing" here is sparing his girlfriend's feelings by being discreet, then never repeating this mistake.
The problem with this line of argument is that in the real world, there will never, EVER, be a situation where your significant other has a 100% chance of not finding out about the cheating. The person you cheated on could suddenly get jealous when you break it off and threaten to tell. Your girlfriend could have hired a PI to investigate you, and find out that way. Your friends could tell on you. There are a million-and-one situations where your girl(or boy)friend could find out about it.
You have all admitted as well that it is infinitely better for the person being cheated on to find out about the cheating by an admission of guilt than finding out themselves.
Therefore, you are maximizing happiness by always telling your significant other about when you cheated, because there is ALWAYS a chance, however slim, that they will find out without you telling them.
From the girl's perspective, I'd want to be told. If I'm going to stay with the OP, above and beyond wanting to feel respected enough to have someone be honest with me, I can't get the relationship to a healthy place until I know how bad it has gotten. And from the OP's perspective, I think that telling is the only thing that gives me a chance at salvaging the relationship -- because if I keep this to myself, the chances are significantly higher that I'm going to cheat on her again.
The only case in which I think not telling her is the right thing for her is if a) the OP is planning to break up with her anyway, and there's no "this could damage the long-term relationship" concerns, and b) if there's no chance of her finding out from somebody else. I don't know what the odds are for (b), but if there's any chance of her hearing about this from a friend, then the OP needs to tell her, because if she's gonna hear it, she needs to hear it from him.
The problem with this line of argument is that in the real world, there will never, EVER, be a situation where your significant other has a 100% chance of not finding out about the cheating. The person you cheated on could suddenly get jealous when you break it off and threaten to tell. Your girlfriend could have hired a PI to investigate you, and find out that way. Your friends could tell on you. There are a million-and-one situations where your girl(or boy)friend could find out about it.
You have all admitted as well that it is infinitely better for the person being cheated on to find out about the cheating by an admission of guilt than finding out themselves.
Therefore, you are maximizing happiness by always telling your significant other about when you cheated, because there is ALWAYS a chance, however slim, that they will find out without you telling them.
Actually, I think the only people insisting it's "infinitely better" are the ones arguing for being told. I wouldn't even say that it's necessarily twice as bad for your SO to find out about cheating from someone else, and most definitely not "infinitely."
Also, most relationships aren't built on 100% honesty; most relationships have at least a solid foundation of lies that help to hold things together. "Yeah, honey, your singing is great." "No, you don't look fat in that." "Oh, you're the best lover I've ever had." Whatever. I think if you care about someone, you're willing to lie about some things just to make them feel better, especially when the truth doesn't accomplish anything but causing hurt. I mean, these are all very cute platitudes you people keep espousing, the problem is that like "honesty is the best policy," there's very little truth behind them; they're just bullshit we tell our kids to make them behave and be easier to deal with, like Santa Claus.
Thanatos on
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, ModeratorMod Emeritus
edited May 2009
I.. think in the end you need to do what you feel is right here, with regards to telling her or not telling her. LDRs tend to have different dynamics and expectations. That's worth noting as well.
If you think you might ever do it again, just break up with her now. If not... do your best on the rest, and whether that means telling her or not is up to you. That is my advice.
For my part... unless unavoidable, I wouldn't tell, and I wouldn't want to know, unless it was a repeated offense. Once it's repeated, fuck you, you break up with her. That's the best you can do for her.
ceres on
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
Also, most relationships aren't built on 100% honesty; most relationships have at least a solid foundation of lies that help to hold things together. "Yeah, honey, your singing is great." "No, you don't look fat in that." "Oh, you're the best lover I've ever had." Whatever. I think if you care about someone, you're willing to lie about some things just to make them feel better, especially when the truth doesn't accomplish anything but causing hurt. I mean, these are all very cute platitudes you people keep espousing, the problem is that like "honesty is the best policy," there's very little truth behind them; they're just bullshit we tell our kids to make them behave and be easier to deal with, like Santa Claus.
It's possible to believe that there are some things that work as white lies without believing that "I had my tongue in somebody else's mouth" is one of those things.
My reasoning for not wanting to tell her just yet is that I am afraid of the consequences of doing so for her, both emotionally and physically. She's been very much alone for the past year and I've done my best to console her over a telephone. For a while both of us were the only one each other had, but this hasn't always coincided, which makes it difficult.
I'm probably going to tell her when she gets back. Finals are coming up and she's preparing to move back so I don't think she needs any more stress right now. I feel like shit but it's what I need to do until the time is right to tell her...I don't want her to make any extreme decisions because I had to get something off my chest...and I'm afraid she might if I did.
We got together around the end of college last year and spent the summer an hour apart. It was nice when we were together but she saw the end of the summer as her departure and felt we should be in an open relationship at best upon separating. This tore me up to no end throughout the entire summer and well into the first semester. I ended up visiting her before winter and we sort of reignited our feelings for one another. She was enjoying herself last semester last semester doing her own thing with new friends and I felt at times she just didn't care anymore.
I started to realize, as clear as I could see for myself, that maybe the relationship had simply been continuing because of the ease of distance, the lack of overall commitment able to be given and therefor needed from simple correspondence. We have certain things in common I guess, but we just found after a while we loved each other for reasons we couldn't always explain. I had never been in a relationship before, and she had been in some before that drove her to find something different...I'm not the typical guy I guess, though in this situation I can't really tote that anymore.
This semester the tables have taken a turn. I'm doing much better. I finished my fall term far greater than I thought possible and I was more confident in the relationship. I was meeting a lot of new people and still enjoying old friends, and had a ridiculous amount of free time on my hands. I'm growing distant as we're nearing the one year mark and I find myself unable to really connect over a telephone anymore. I just want her here...
It's because of this I am deciding to wait until she gets back to make any decisions of admittance or determination of the relationship because I really need the one-on-one to help me decide. We've had moments where we have been very much in love and its something i definitely owe to her.
I thought I could do a long distance relationship, and I was able to, for a while, but as we're nearing the end I'm finding myself...restless. I think I just really need her here and not just her voice, but maybe I'm just hopeful that's true...
Long distance is exceedingly difficult, most especially when you've had periods of time where it wasn't so long. I'd suggest skype or google talk for that, something where you can see each others' faces for once.
As for telling her, good luck, I think you're making the right decision, though others in the thread seem to think that is the wrong decision. Tell her when you are face to face (physically), and let her know you are completely serious about the situation, recognize that you are at fault, and hope to make complete amends in fixing things as best as you can. Let her know that she does not have to take any responsibility if she doesn't want, and because of your actions she is able to leave you or try to heal the love that you have.
Also, most relationships aren't built on 100% honesty; most relationships have at least a solid foundation of lies that help to hold things together. "Yeah, honey, your singing is great." "No, you don't look fat in that." "Oh, you're the best lover I've ever had." Whatever. I think if you care about someone, you're willing to lie about some things just to make them feel better, especially when the truth doesn't accomplish anything but causing hurt. I mean, these are all very cute platitudes you people keep espousing, the problem is that like "honesty is the best policy," there's very little truth behind them; they're just bullshit we tell our kids to make them behave and be easier to deal with, like Santa Claus.
It's possible to believe that there are some things that work as white lies without believing that "I had my tongue in somebody else's mouth" is one of those things.
Then you shouldn't be espousing platitudes like "relationships are based on honesty" when making that argument.
I'm not saying there's not an argument to be made for telling her, I'm just saying that "all relationships are based around honesty" is fucking bullshit. And since it sounds like this is solved, I'm locking it.
Posts
You all keep masking your desire to avoid conflict and your own hurt by saying "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." And THAT is bullshit. There's always a chance that she will find out, and she deserves to know because painful or no, it is in her best interest to know what her partner does when she isn't around.
In conclusion, stop being giant self-serving pussies. Relationships aren't about "what's best for me?" They are about "What is best for us?" Cheating and then lying about is not best for any "us" out there.
This is basically what I can into the thread to say. Relationships & marriage are based on trust and honesty, and if you're already going to start being dishonest now what's it going to be like 5 years from now? A relationship built on lies can only end badly simply because, at least from what I've observed, they always find out and it only gets worse the longer it takes.
If my fiancee made out with some other guy then she wouldn't be my fiancee any more, and I would much rather know that, painful as it is, before she were to become my wife.
No. But since when are relationships easy? Honesty isn't easy but it is worth it. Like others have said, what if she finds out through the pipe line, someone else tells her? It could just be the slip of the tongue "Oh I wonder where he went with that girl that night, they were sure gone a long time" or w/e.
Is that better?
I think that would hurt much more than hearing it from you.
Sure, you might want to wait until she gets back here so you can tell her in person and hopefully she'll be able to tell that you are a) telling the truth about what happened (not covering up details etc) and b) you're honest about never wanting to do that again.
That said, there is also the chance that you might not reclaim your feeling for her once she comes back. I think that is a rare chance (usually if you like someone once, that feeling sticks unless something really heavy happens between the two of you)
Anyway. I do think you should keep thinking about what this means for your relationship with the girl. If you want to keep going out with her or not (you might even need to wait until she returns for the final judgement. But you should tell her.
Thank you for your clinical opinion, mister armchair psychologist. It's good to know that any opinion which differs with yours is clearly the result of some sort of denial or cowardice rather than logic, observation, or personal experience.
And how exactly is it in anybody's best interest to be cheated on? The fact that he did something bad enough that he doesn't want to tell her should be proof enough that he _needs_ to tell her.
General rule: If it would fuck things up for her to see it happen then she deserves to hear from you that it _did_ happen.
Besides, if he really wanted to hang on to the relationship, respected her at all, or cared even a little bit about her feelings then he wouldn't have had his tongue in some other chick's mouth in the first place.
If you agree that relationships aren't "what's best for me?" then why would you try and absolve your guilt by pushing it onto your partner for them to deal with?
This isn't about the being self-serving. Quite the opposite in fact. The OP already feels horrible. If this is a one time mistake and he decides it won't happen again, then there is no reason to tell her. The only consequence of that would be to hurt his GF.
Telling always seems to come from: "I feel horrible, what can I do to feel better?" It's not about someone else at all, it's pure selfishness.
You seem to come from the premise that lying is always wrong. This is incorrect. We lie all the time for good reasons (like to spare someone's feelings).
took out her barrettes and her hair spilled out like rootbeer
In this case I come from the premise of "she deserves to know so that she can decide whether she wants to date a guy who doesn't know what 'exclusive' means" and from the premise of "if I was cheated on I would want to know it now rather than only maybe knowing it later."
If she ends up being okay with it and they stay together and he never cheats again then that's great. If not, she has every right to dump his ass for not being faithful.
Does it suck that she will possibly (probably) get hurt? Yes. But it sucks more to keep a relationship going on a lie.
The problem with this line of argument is that in the real world, there will never, EVER, be a situation where your significant other has a 100% chance of not finding out about the cheating. The person you cheated on could suddenly get jealous when you break it off and threaten to tell. Your girlfriend could have hired a PI to investigate you, and find out that way. Your friends could tell on you. There are a million-and-one situations where your girl(or boy)friend could find out about it.
You have all admitted as well that it is infinitely better for the person being cheated on to find out about the cheating by an admission of guilt than finding out themselves.
Therefore, you are maximizing happiness by always telling your significant other about when you cheated, because there is ALWAYS a chance, however slim, that they will find out without you telling them.
The only case in which I think not telling her is the right thing for her is if a) the OP is planning to break up with her anyway, and there's no "this could damage the long-term relationship" concerns, and b) if there's no chance of her finding out from somebody else. I don't know what the odds are for (b), but if there's any chance of her hearing about this from a friend, then the OP needs to tell her, because if she's gonna hear it, she needs to hear it from him.
Also, most relationships aren't built on 100% honesty; most relationships have at least a solid foundation of lies that help to hold things together. "Yeah, honey, your singing is great." "No, you don't look fat in that." "Oh, you're the best lover I've ever had." Whatever. I think if you care about someone, you're willing to lie about some things just to make them feel better, especially when the truth doesn't accomplish anything but causing hurt. I mean, these are all very cute platitudes you people keep espousing, the problem is that like "honesty is the best policy," there's very little truth behind them; they're just bullshit we tell our kids to make them behave and be easier to deal with, like Santa Claus.
If you think you might ever do it again, just break up with her now. If not... do your best on the rest, and whether that means telling her or not is up to you. That is my advice.
For my part... unless unavoidable, I wouldn't tell, and I wouldn't want to know, unless it was a repeated offense. Once it's repeated, fuck you, you break up with her. That's the best you can do for her.
It's possible to believe that there are some things that work as white lies without believing that "I had my tongue in somebody else's mouth" is one of those things.
I'm probably going to tell her when she gets back. Finals are coming up and she's preparing to move back so I don't think she needs any more stress right now. I feel like shit but it's what I need to do until the time is right to tell her...I don't want her to make any extreme decisions because I had to get something off my chest...and I'm afraid she might if I did.
We got together around the end of college last year and spent the summer an hour apart. It was nice when we were together but she saw the end of the summer as her departure and felt we should be in an open relationship at best upon separating. This tore me up to no end throughout the entire summer and well into the first semester. I ended up visiting her before winter and we sort of reignited our feelings for one another. She was enjoying herself last semester last semester doing her own thing with new friends and I felt at times she just didn't care anymore.
I started to realize, as clear as I could see for myself, that maybe the relationship had simply been continuing because of the ease of distance, the lack of overall commitment able to be given and therefor needed from simple correspondence. We have certain things in common I guess, but we just found after a while we loved each other for reasons we couldn't always explain. I had never been in a relationship before, and she had been in some before that drove her to find something different...I'm not the typical guy I guess, though in this situation I can't really tote that anymore.
This semester the tables have taken a turn. I'm doing much better. I finished my fall term far greater than I thought possible and I was more confident in the relationship. I was meeting a lot of new people and still enjoying old friends, and had a ridiculous amount of free time on my hands. I'm growing distant as we're nearing the one year mark and I find myself unable to really connect over a telephone anymore. I just want her here...
It's because of this I am deciding to wait until she gets back to make any decisions of admittance or determination of the relationship because I really need the one-on-one to help me decide. We've had moments where we have been very much in love and its something i definitely owe to her.
I thought I could do a long distance relationship, and I was able to, for a while, but as we're nearing the end I'm finding myself...restless. I think I just really need her here and not just her voice, but maybe I'm just hopeful that's true...
As for telling her, good luck, I think you're making the right decision, though others in the thread seem to think that is the wrong decision. Tell her when you are face to face (physically), and let her know you are completely serious about the situation, recognize that you are at fault, and hope to make complete amends in fixing things as best as you can. Let her know that she does not have to take any responsibility if she doesn't want, and because of your actions she is able to leave you or try to heal the love that you have.
Again, good luck.
I'm not saying there's not an argument to be made for telling her, I'm just saying that "all relationships are based around honesty" is fucking bullshit. And since it sounds like this is solved, I'm locking it.