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*sigh* Yet another [girl thread] [wall of text, you were warned] {SOLVED, lock me}
SoulStalker
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello H/A, I have come seeking your impartial opinions and advice on my situation. As you can already assume, this is about a girl.
I met her last summer, but we never really started dating until the fall. She had just gotten out of a long term (3+ year) abusive relationship, and I think this might be what initially drew me to her. For some reason I enjoy playing the knight in shining armor to the damsel in distress. Also, the fact that she's cute probably didn't hurt :P
Fast forward to January of this year. I'm hosting a party at my place, and I let her (let's call her Jill) invite a friend. Later that evening, Jill and her friend disappear, and when my sister goes in search she finds them making out on her bed. Jill pleads for my sister to refrain from saying anything to me, and my sister warns her that I might be up to check on her in a bit, and that she should cease her adultering. My sis comes down and strongly suggests that I go check on Jill, but won't say why. Sure enough, I go up around 5 mins later and witness the same thing. At the time I'm in shock, so I just say "Oh, that's cute" to interrupt them, and proceed back downstairs to the party. A few mins later, after collecting myself, I head back upstairs and kick both of them out of my house.
The next day she calls me in tears, pleading for me to give her another chance, saying that she knows she made a huge mistake and has no idea why she would do that to someone who's been nothing but nice to her (which is true, I'd treated her like a princess). I agree to give her another chance (probably my first mistake... but what can I say, I love the girl), but on the grounds that she make some changes to take better care of herself. Her ex had basically driven her into the ground - she dropped out of university to work two jobs to support the two of them while he remained unemployed, she was terrified of any sort of display of anger (which is completely understandable, given past circumstances), and she had previously been a huge pothead. Now normally I have no issue with people smoking pot, and I have in fact done it myself on multiple occasions, but we both recognized that she shouldn't be smoking it when she can be subject to random drug tests, and she was pissing away what little money she did have on it. Also, I told her that she needed to cut back on her drinking, especially because that's mostly what lead to the first incident (I learned very recently that she also had a thing for other guy [never acted upon] for a while before we started dating).
Now, all seems to be fine for a month or two - aside from the images of her and other guy making out that are permanently ingrained into my memory - until I hear from my sister that her and Jill have been smoking pot together, which is why Jill hasn't shown up when I've invited her out with me and my friends. Things come to a head, and I break up with her again. Primarily, this is due to the fact that she's already shattered the trust in our relationship by cheating on me, and then goes behind my back and does things she's promised to never do again. But there are other reasons for this decision - she's very immature in the sense that she makes very large, life changing decisions very irrationally [not really at liberty to discuss, you'll have to take my word for it :P], and she's very awkward in social situations. While I can partially understand the latter, given my own shyness, she's incredibly so - it's to the point where she'll stand silent in the hallway just outside of the room that a party is being held in and either text on her phone or, when she catches my eye, glare at me as though I'm not paying attention to her, despite my best attempts at introducing her to everyone and inviting her into conversations. She is also very passive-aggressive, which drives me insane. Things like growing quiet and glaring at me when I might jokingly pick fun at her (in the privacy of my own house, mind you), until a few hours later when she either forgets why she's mad or explodes at me. That indirect approach has always bothered me - I would much rather tell someone immediately when they've said or done something to upset me. Another factor in this decision (and this might make me an asshole, I'm not sure...) is that she has a degenerative eye condition and is blind at night. This can potentially degenerate to the point where she is completely blind. Also, it's hereditary. The thought of us long term makes me uneasy - what would happen if we were to have kids: who would drive them to and from soccer practice at night, who would run all the errands at night, could they end up with it too, etc etc.
Anywho, a few days later - and again, after much begging and shed tears - I once again agree to take her back. Now, ever since the original 'incident' and breakup, my friends can't believe I got back together with her - so for things to have ended again and for me to take her back again... well, let's just say they were in shock. It's at the point where I almost feel ashamed bringing her along with me and my friends, because I know all of their opinions of her. Still, things go for another month or so, and after much thought I decided to end it again a few days ago.
Herein lies the problem, H/A - I still can't stop thinking about her. I'm still in love with her. Despite her shortcomings, she's still great to hang around with (when we're alone... it's almost like she's a 'closet girlfriend'), we still have a lot in common, we still enjoy doing all the same things, we still have great... private times :winky:. The night I broke up with her that last time, she was completely crushed (again), and said that she only wanted to be with me, that she'd do whatever it takes to make things better, that she wanted us to be happy and together forever, etc. The thing is, before the 'incident', I could have said all the same things, although that would have been me talking in the honeymoon phase - afterwards, the illusion of her perfection was completely shattered, and I'm not sure, but perhaps I decided to nitpick.
To get back on track - still can't stop thinking about her, we're still broken up at present, and despite my best friend saying I need to make this permanent - I'm not so sure about it now. I'm not sure about anything. It's like my brain/logic center is saying "you left this a few times for a reason, don't get back into this again", but my heart/emotions are saying "you love this girl, in fact, you could probably marry this girl, most of the things you don't like about her are things she'll probably overcome given enough time, especially with your help; plus, do you really want to hurt her [and yourself] like this?". So H/A - I turn to you: what would you do? Am I crazy for even considering getting back with her?
I met her last summer, but we never really started dating until the fall. She had just gotten out of a long term (3+ year) abusive relationship, and I think this might be what initially drew me to her. For some reason I enjoy playing the knight in shining armor to the damsel in distress. Also, the fact that she's cute probably didn't hurt :P
Fast forward to January of this year. I'm hosting a party at my place, and I let her (let's call her Jill) invite a friend. Later that evening, Jill and her friend disappear, and when my sister goes in search she finds them making out on her bed. Jill pleads for my sister to refrain from saying anything to me, and my sister warns her that I might be up to check on her in a bit, and that she should cease her adultering. My sis comes down and strongly suggests that I go check on Jill, but won't say why. Sure enough, I go up around 5 mins later and witness the same thing. At the time I'm in shock, so I just say "Oh, that's cute" to interrupt them, and proceed back downstairs to the party. A few mins later, after collecting myself, I head back upstairs and kick both of them out of my house.
The next day she calls me in tears, pleading for me to give her another chance, saying that she knows she made a huge mistake and has no idea why she would do that to someone who's been nothing but nice to her (which is true, I'd treated her like a princess). I agree to give her another chance (probably my first mistake... but what can I say, I love the girl), but on the grounds that she make some changes to take better care of herself. Her ex had basically driven her into the ground - she dropped out of university to work two jobs to support the two of them while he remained unemployed, she was terrified of any sort of display of anger (which is completely understandable, given past circumstances), and she had previously been a huge pothead. Now normally I have no issue with people smoking pot, and I have in fact done it myself on multiple occasions, but we both recognized that she shouldn't be smoking it when she can be subject to random drug tests, and she was pissing away what little money she did have on it. Also, I told her that she needed to cut back on her drinking, especially because that's mostly what lead to the first incident (I learned very recently that she also had a thing for other guy [never acted upon] for a while before we started dating).
Now, all seems to be fine for a month or two - aside from the images of her and other guy making out that are permanently ingrained into my memory - until I hear from my sister that her and Jill have been smoking pot together, which is why Jill hasn't shown up when I've invited her out with me and my friends. Things come to a head, and I break up with her again. Primarily, this is due to the fact that she's already shattered the trust in our relationship by cheating on me, and then goes behind my back and does things she's promised to never do again. But there are other reasons for this decision - she's very immature in the sense that she makes very large, life changing decisions very irrationally [not really at liberty to discuss, you'll have to take my word for it :P], and she's very awkward in social situations. While I can partially understand the latter, given my own shyness, she's incredibly so - it's to the point where she'll stand silent in the hallway just outside of the room that a party is being held in and either text on her phone or, when she catches my eye, glare at me as though I'm not paying attention to her, despite my best attempts at introducing her to everyone and inviting her into conversations. She is also very passive-aggressive, which drives me insane. Things like growing quiet and glaring at me when I might jokingly pick fun at her (in the privacy of my own house, mind you), until a few hours later when she either forgets why she's mad or explodes at me. That indirect approach has always bothered me - I would much rather tell someone immediately when they've said or done something to upset me. Another factor in this decision (and this might make me an asshole, I'm not sure...) is that she has a degenerative eye condition and is blind at night. This can potentially degenerate to the point where she is completely blind. Also, it's hereditary. The thought of us long term makes me uneasy - what would happen if we were to have kids: who would drive them to and from soccer practice at night, who would run all the errands at night, could they end up with it too, etc etc.
Anywho, a few days later - and again, after much begging and shed tears - I once again agree to take her back. Now, ever since the original 'incident' and breakup, my friends can't believe I got back together with her - so for things to have ended again and for me to take her back again... well, let's just say they were in shock. It's at the point where I almost feel ashamed bringing her along with me and my friends, because I know all of their opinions of her. Still, things go for another month or so, and after much thought I decided to end it again a few days ago.
Herein lies the problem, H/A - I still can't stop thinking about her. I'm still in love with her. Despite her shortcomings, she's still great to hang around with (when we're alone... it's almost like she's a 'closet girlfriend'), we still have a lot in common, we still enjoy doing all the same things, we still have great... private times :winky:. The night I broke up with her that last time, she was completely crushed (again), and said that she only wanted to be with me, that she'd do whatever it takes to make things better, that she wanted us to be happy and together forever, etc. The thing is, before the 'incident', I could have said all the same things, although that would have been me talking in the honeymoon phase - afterwards, the illusion of her perfection was completely shattered, and I'm not sure, but perhaps I decided to nitpick.
To get back on track - still can't stop thinking about her, we're still broken up at present, and despite my best friend saying I need to make this permanent - I'm not so sure about it now. I'm not sure about anything. It's like my brain/logic center is saying "you left this a few times for a reason, don't get back into this again", but my heart/emotions are saying "you love this girl, in fact, you could probably marry this girl, most of the things you don't like about her are things she'll probably overcome given enough time, especially with your help; plus, do you really want to hurt her [and yourself] like this?". So H/A - I turn to you: what would you do? Am I crazy for even considering getting back with her?
Misanthropist extraordinaire.
SoulStalker on
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Don't put up with that shit, she will do it again
Yeah... see the red? Red means bad.
From what you've described, she's a weak-willed, timid creature slowly recovering from an abusive relationship. She makes bad decisions, she does stupid things, and she's the sort of person who needs somebody else in her life to tell her what to do. She craves affection, but every so often she gets resentful and bites the hand that pets her because it's the only way she can exert any sort of control in the relationship.
You, on the other hand, are an egotistical self-described white knight who just loves being the center of somebody's world. You seek out girls who are vulnerable or insecure or damaged because they'll look up to you, so you can tell them what to do and chuckle indulgently at their weaknesses. But when they inevitably start embarrassing you with their servile fawning and occasional accidents on the carpet, you cuff them away.
She's not ready to be in a relationship right now. She needs to sort out her abuse and trust issues, and she very obviously has some thinking to do about her sexuality as well. She needs to make her own mistakes, and her own friends, and her own self-confidence because man, I have been the girl standing in the dark outside a house I was explicitly invited to, listening to people having a good time inside, too timid to actually knock, pacing back and forth in the unlit alley like a nervous animal until I gave up and bolted for the safety of my own room, and that is not the kind of problem that can be helped by a smugly confident guy laughing and saying "C'mon, get over here and socialize with these strangers!"
For your part, you obviously have no interest in anything long-term with her. You should never be ashamed of who you're dating, and seriously, "I'm worried that our future non-existent hypothetical children might develop some rare genetic eye condition and then I'd be the one stuck with driving them around at night" is the lamest excuse ever in the history of ridiculous reasons to break up with someone.
You're not in love with this girl. You probably never were. You're in love with the idea of being the virtuous shining figure saving the damned and damaged damsels of the world from themselves, but once you realize that you can't just kiss away those pretty little tears and make everything better, you can't deal with the reality of being in a relationship with somebody who has significant issues, and you bolt. But then you go back, because goddamn it was actually kind of awesome when she was down on her knees looking up and you and crying and telling you that you were everything in the world to her, and she would do anything to get you back, and all she wanted to do was make you happy, because fuck me ain't that a power trip.
Get away from her. Stop obsessing over her. You're fantasizing about a crazed ideal of transforming the flawed into the perfect, but you're not the goddamned Batman, and people can't be fixed that easily. Get your head on straight, get out of her life, and the next time you look for a relationship, don't look for somebody you can dominate.
Look, there's a girl out there that IS this girl the way you want her. You 2 are at completely different places in your lives right now. But worst of all, you feel there's something wrong with the way this girl is. Its understandable to want to help someone you really care about, but with the way you view her there is no way in hell you 2 can ever be on equal terms in a relationship.
You've made the right decision to break up with her. And its understandable to feel badly for her, but this relationship was doomed from the start. Its just a question of how long you're willing to ignore that fact.
Seriously, do yourself a favor and do the sane girls in the world a favor too. Forget her and find some lucky girl that isn't a complete psycho to treat like a real princess. She'll return the favor by being loving, trustworthy and instead of that twisting dagger feeling in your gut, you'll just feel warm and fuzzy.
It's normal to think about someone you broke up with, doesn't mean they were THE ONE OH GOD YOU SCREWED UP, it just means you're still working through the huge pile of BS they left on your mind.
She's a piece of crap. Move on.
Thank you, Rubacava!
Harsh, but I think you're mostly on the mark. I do, however, resent the accusations highlighted in red, as this is the first time I've been in a relationship of this nature. I also have a record for treating all of my previous significant others like princesses - it's in my nature, I'm a giver. Perhaps I should have mentioned that - it's not a method of control, I'm overly generous with everyone in my life. When I said I "enjoyed playing the knight in shining armor", that applies to all aspects of my life - I like to think that good karma comes back around, so I try to help out whenever I can. Please don't make sweeping generalizations about all of my relationships based off of this one statement, as how you interpreted it is not how I meant it.
As I said in my OP, I too have had my experiences with being shy - I've got my fair share of past issues as well. I recognize that nobody's perfect, and you're right, Kate - I should have been more sympathetic to her awkwardness in social situaions, given that I've been there before too. You can't throw someone into a room full of people and expect them to become a social butterfly - a fact I should have recognized.
As for the "hypothetical children, lame excuse" bit - you're absolutely right, and I thought the same thing myself. I shouldn't be letting something like that influence a decision I make now - it should be something that should be faced when the times comes. It shouldn't be a concern for me.
I must also disagree with you when you say I never loved her. Until she cheated on me, she was everything to me. Hell, she even remained that afterwards, after I had time to recoil from the shock. I've been in love before, and this is was by far the strongest I've ever felt for someone. She's a great girl; everyone has flaws, and I'm not afraid of dealing with them.
But ultimately, you're right - you should never be ashamed of who you're dating. I feel in that regard I kinda let her down - despite how betrayed I might have felt, I should have stuck up for her and upheld her honor. My friends might not have understood why I took her back, but it's my life, my relationship, my decision - not theirs. I saw something in her that they didn't, and I should have tried to show them what was special about her rather than hiding her away.
Knights save a princess so they can marry a prince. Not the knight. Geez, don't you know anything about medieval literature? ;D
Seriously though, she's just walking all over you, and you're happy to put up with it because you don't have the guts to tell her she's being abuse back to you. Because she is; she's abusing you and you're just taking it.
How many times are you going to puke this one up before you learn to leave it alone?
Not only is it unwise, but getting this girls hopes up by getting back together when clearly, clearly it will all come to a very bad end is a douche move. It wasn't before, and I can understand you thinking that you were understanding enough, or patient enough, or cool with it enough to make a go of it.
I'm not going to say you weren't understanding, or that you weren't patient, or that your resent the effort you put in to maintain your relationship- I don't see it that way. You tried, you learned. Mostly.
Let's just say that there are some serious life differences between you and her, and all the baddass action in the sack you can handle is not going to resolve them. That is a-okay. That's reason enough.
Also, I don't think it's an asshole move at all to wonder about possible issues in the future. Socialization issues, emotional unrest, flipper kids; those are worries, and irrational or proven there is an amount of effort required by you at all times to deal with that. If your estimate says you're not going to get out at minimum, minimum what you put in, then you're justified in walking away.
You're way too young to settle into a life of selfless altruism, and I don't think its realistic at all for you or others to place you into that position. Life is a competitive sport, and you deserve to get the best deal you can. Later on when you're heavily invested, made seemingly unbreakable promises, invoked strong moralistic archetypes, sure. Might be worth the trouble. But right now? Free and clear? Fuck that.
Oh and one time thing or not, stop the fuck hooking up with people you see as having a negative life balance. Sure, its a good thing to help someone out of a hole, but check in first to make sure they aren't digging it themselves. That shit never ends dude, you just keep on filling while they keep digging. Try looking for people who are already positive, who already manage thier lives well.
You put some solid help on that kind of situation, and suddenly you're not just keeping a life, you're building one. Those are the situations that'll give you a solid foundation for future living. You know, when you're done fucking around.
Once again, I thank you all for your words of wisdom. Mods, please feel free to close this thread.