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Help me do the right thing.
Walter
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I have been dating my girl for about 2 months now. Things have been okay, but I never really fell for her. I don't enjoy when she calls, she works two jobs so I see her about once a week, and I can tell she is a sucker for drama. She is sweet and I hoped it would work out, however I know it won't.
Enter the new girl. I went out to dinner yesterday night with a girl from work. She is real into me and we hit it off. The conversation was great, I don't remember having such an easy time talking to someone since my last relationship years ago. She is great and I definitely want to pursue this.
I'm not good with break ups but I recognize that this is a necessary evil. I need outside encouragement to go through with this. I want to end it so that I don't do something I regret - like physically cheat on my current girl. That's not fair to her and I don't want to be that type of person.
t;dr - Encourage me to break up with a girl I'm not that into so I don't end up cheating on her.
Enter the new girl. I went out to dinner yesterday night with a girl from work. She is real into me and we hit it off. The conversation was great, I don't remember having such an easy time talking to someone since my last relationship years ago. She is great and I definitely want to pursue this.
I'm not good with break ups but I recognize that this is a necessary evil. I need outside encouragement to go through with this. I want to end it so that I don't do something I regret - like physically cheat on my current girl. That's not fair to her and I don't want to be that type of person.
t;dr - Encourage me to break up with a girl I'm not that into so I don't end up cheating on her.
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Really those should be the only two reasons you need. Breaking up hurts for both parties in the short term, but in the long run it's for the better.
I never finish anyth
Enter the new dish. I went out to dinner yesterday night and tried the German-style potato salad recommended by this girl at work. I am real into it and it hit the spot. The flavour was great, I don't remember having such an easy time eating something since my last visit to my grandmother's house years ago. It is great and I definitely want to eat more of this.
I'm not good with diet changes but I recognize that this is a necessary evil. I need outside encouragement to go through with this. I want to end it so that I don't do something I regret - like physically try to eat both kinds of salad at once. That's not fair to my stomach and I don't want to be that type of glutton.
t;dr - Encourage me to stop eating cold macaroni salad I'm not that into so I don't end up continuing to eat it.
THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE
If something is not enjoyable, stop doing it
You should not need a hand-hold and an ass-pat and an "attaboy!" to convince you that stopping an unpleasant activity is a good thing
I eagerly await your next post: "guys help i touched my hand to a lit stove and it hurts, should i take it off??"
JUST DO IT
Thanks, that didn't help...at all. I shouldn't need a hand hold but in this case I do. In the past I have just ignored phone calls until the girl gives up, but I want to do the right thing by this girl. I've found most people on this board to be really good at clarifying issues for people who are having trouble seeing matters objectively (Thank you Decius). Just writing this post helped a tremendous amount in figuring out what to do.
Here's how adults break up: you call her, and you say "Hey, it's been a fun couple of months, but I'm just not feeling the level of connection I'm looking for in a relationship, and so I don't think it would be fair to either of us to keep this going. I wish you the best of luck in the future, and I hope you find somebody who's right for you, but I'm just not it. Goodbye." It's simple, it's to the point, and it leaves as little room as possible for misinterpretation. Don't bullshit her, don't try any little white lies like "I'm just not looking for a relationship right now" (which tends to backfire horribly when she sees you macking with the new girl a day later), just tell it like it is.
You know what I wish she would have done? Been honest with me. Told me the truth.
You know what you should do? Be honest with her. Tell her the truth. Doing anything else will just be you trying to save face or make you feel less guilty.
do the right thing.
How fucking clear does someone have to make it? Did you trip on the 'New Thread' button and feel obligated to fill it?
There's more to it than I wrote, I wanted to avoid a wall of text. At first it was going to be a "Should I stay with this girl thread" but when I started writing out the situation it became pretty clear what I was going to do. It took sitting down and putting my thoughts to paper to figure this out. I understand its obvious what I should do, I was just looking for some encouragement.
What Death of Rats and Decius have said, and even Kate telling me not to bullshit her, has been very helpful. If anyone else would like to post about how stupid/weak I am, please don't. If you think this is a pointless thread that's fine, but it has already helped me feel better about what I am going to do and how I am going to do it.
Whenever a thread pops up that requires the OP to use some sort of common sense as an answer, people trip over themselves to be the first person to basically say "you're an idiot". After that, its just a competition as to who can say it in the most creative way.
If its said once, its been said. No need to repeat it again and again.
Also, its important to realize that things look extremely different from an outside perspective, and perhaps you shouldn't judge people so harshly when they don't immediately come to the conclusion that you do. Playing a chess game is a perfect example of this...I see moves that the players don't realize all the time.
To the OP: Just be cordial. As some people have said, just say its not working, and just be honest. I'm glad that you're evolving from just ignoring them, because that is a dick move, but its obvious that you see that this is wrong, so congrats.
I'm really not sure how much more cut and dry it is going to be. It's not called "the easy thing" because sometimes it's hard. So either you man up and do the right thing, or you quit bitching about it.
You think it's hard breaking up with someone who you aren't really into anyway, who you've been seeing once a week for a few months? Try having a girl you are madly in love with, come to you crying, telling you that she is in love with you and feels a connection with you, and having to say no because you know she's confused as fuck and needs time to sort out her own issues. And then having to see her every fucking day for the next 6 months.
Try that, then get back to me. Otherwise, I really don't want to hear it.
You might not have the same experience, but do it now rather than in 3 months, when it'll hurt both of you more.
Step two. Stop being a fucking pussy.
Step three. Go out there and do shit without being told to do shit because you're a goddam adult I mean jesus christ.
Step four. Profit?
Satans..... hints.....
And for God's sakes do it in person. It's not fair to have someone to be under the impression that you're a couple when you're actively seeking out other women. Give her your reasons, let her freak out, let her ask questions and then leave.
Read what DarwinsFavoriteTortoise just wrote.
Yeah...
Here's you're encouragement:
If you don't break up with the old girl before pursuing the new girl, you will be acting like a massive dickhead by leading someone along blindly and completely screwing them over when they don't deserve it - which is much more "evil" than just nipping it in the bud early.
Plus, you'll generally doing yourself a disservice. Bad reputations spread quickly and are hard to wipe clean. You'll become "that guy" who cheated on his girlfriend because he didn't have the balls to break up with her.
You don't want to be seen and thought of as a cowardly dickhead, do you? Then go and do what you need to do.
No sorry, this isn't the give a dude a hug forum it's the Help and Advice forum, 95% of people hear that actually come for advice don't actually want advice, they want to hear justification on what they want to do so they don't feel bad about themselves. If someone is saying something stupid I am going to tell them that because people get taught things through repetition much like puppies.
Satans..... hints.....
If breaking up was recreational, it would be a sport. People would pay to do it.
But if you don't break it off with this girl first, you're going to encourage just the sort of drama you've got the hunch that she lives for. She will be justified in making your life a living hell until you get a restraining order or you come back to this forum with a plaintive "Halp me get rid of a psycho bitch!" thread.
But no one will help you then, because it will be all your fault.
Dude... it's 2 months... not 2 years or longer.
Simply say "It's be nice, but I can't see this going long term."
Will she be upset? Maybe... but a lot less upset if you had kept her in a meaningless relationship for longer... when she could have met someone who actually loves her.
Long story short:
- Man up
- Tell her its been swell
- Date new chick
Just do it honestly (although bringing up the other girl is unnecessarily hurtful), do it civilly (but don't open the door to any future relationship), and do it soon (no caveat on this one).
Why do you need us to tell you that you are unhappy.
I think what you are really asking is if you should give up the "sure thing" or go for the risk.
If the reward is worth the risk do it because it's always worth it.
3DS FC: 5343-7720-0490
I might be more inclined to take DarwinsFavoriteTortoise more seriously in his insistence that we're going downhill if he'd been here for more than a few weeks of our years-long history. Kate and Blaket can be frequently abrasive, but they are also frequently correct. The OP is being a tool, he deserves to be called out as such, and the fact that Tortoise doesn't realize that's how we have always rolled around here is pretty telling.
take it from someone who held off this 'confrontation' for nine months. it won't get better! it gets WORSE! it HURTS. it hurts YOU, it hurts your PARTNER, and if your new-person has any heart at all it is painful for them as well. there is no glory in holding off. i learned my lesson, and i am passing it to you.
But to be fair, you're the only one responsible for your actions. You could also just cheat on her until she gets pissed off from you ignoring her. I would advise against that, simply on the basis that we don't want to see you post something here in a year saying "I feel like a horrible person, I dump girls by just ignoring them and now I feel that I'm a huge jerk who can't face any decisions."
It's OK to have opinions on things, even negative things. And if you don't like something, say something about it. Kate's example is good because it's so basic -- if you don't like a food item, do you just put up with it, even though so & so keeps serving it? Or do you speak up for yourself and say "look I really don't like this, can we get something else to eat?"
edit: How timely, CNN has an article up on how overlapping your relationships (like what you're trying to do) is a bad idea:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/05/07/tf.avoid.dating.overlap/index.html
Write this down on a piece of paper, dial the girl's number, and read it.
I've been lurking for years around these forums.
And no, thats not how you guys have always rolled. Sure, there have always been biting comments in threads like these, but people are being so rude these days and posting them so frequently that I would definitely say, at least concerning threads like these, that H/A has been going downhill.
Its called CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. There are better ways to getting a point across then just being an asshole.
Sure, but few are as effective as brutal honesty. Which is what I assume you're referring too as "being an asshole".
Lurk more.
Sincerely,
PeregrineFalcon, Certified Asshole (just ask Pixels)
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
If it bothers you so much, I would encourage you to drop Pheezer a line and let him know how you feel about the tone of the board and the direction the moderators are taking.
Maybe those who have a problem with it should post a "I think people are being mean on H/A and I need some H/A about how to deal with it?" thread?
Wasn't there actually a "Bitch, Whine, and Complain" forum in the past? :P
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
FTFY
EDIT: But yeah, he said he had it figured out and asked people not to continue wailing on him
Then everyone told him to grow a pair or something. And yeah, people were right and they should be allowed to be abrasive if they are, but I mean doing so after he's said "please no more I get it" is sort of going too far.
Or y'know, heave your car into the crusher. Hopefully only if it's a POS and you needed a new one anyway. Hopefully.
So to clear the bad taste from making a car analogy (ugh, look what y'all made me do) I'll say this:
Best of of luck in doing the right thing. It's hard, and it will suck for a while, but if you're a good guy the payoff is worth it. That's what being a good guy means. So do what needs doing, and I hope its not too rough- for either side.
I'm not going to say that H/A is going downhill but in this particular thread the tone at the OP seems to be overly biting.
However, I do agree with the gist of what everyone here is saying, maybe not the way they are saying it.