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Emotional Problems (Close, please!)
deadlyrhetoric
"We could be two straight linesin a crooked world."__BANNED USERS regular
"We could be two straight linesin a crooked world."__BANNED USERS regular
I've got problems. Nothing particularly life-threatening or earth shattering, but life would be a lot easier if I didn't have them.
The central themes are a low self-esteem, a lack of motivation and general anxiety.
- I'm super defensive.
- I perceive 99% of the things said to me as hostile.
- I also perceive neutral facial expressions to be hostile.
- I'm generally pretty poor at picking up on non-verbal communication.
Also, lately, everything makes me embarrassed? This is kind of strange because it's new. It's also freaking me out. Like, someone will say, "Hey, nice shirt" or "Hey, fuck you and your stupid Yankees hat" (I live in Boston) and my face gets Kool-Aid Man red.
I'm seeing a therapist but I think she hates me. It takes me forever to open up to her and when I do, I still get defensive about shit. We probably spend more time talking about the fact that I get defensive around her than anything else.
I feel a lot of pressure to always have the correct answer. To anything.
I've been seeing this girl. The other day she tried telling me that she wanted to dedicate an entire day to fucking because we haven't had sex in a week. Instead, I got defensive and tried to explain why we haven't had sex in a week. What? Why would I do that? Awful.
I understand that my behavior and way of thinking is impractical and that it largely feeds itself. However, I can not stop.
How can I convince myself that regardless of how objectively dumb or ugly or wrong I might be, it's okay?
tl;dr Call the Wahmbulance. I have low self-esteem, lack of motivation and general anxiety.
The central themes are a low self-esteem, a lack of motivation and general anxiety.
- I'm super defensive.
- I perceive 99% of the things said to me as hostile.
- I also perceive neutral facial expressions to be hostile.
- I'm generally pretty poor at picking up on non-verbal communication.
Also, lately, everything makes me embarrassed? This is kind of strange because it's new. It's also freaking me out. Like, someone will say, "Hey, nice shirt" or "Hey, fuck you and your stupid Yankees hat" (I live in Boston) and my face gets Kool-Aid Man red.
I'm seeing a therapist but I think she hates me. It takes me forever to open up to her and when I do, I still get defensive about shit. We probably spend more time talking about the fact that I get defensive around her than anything else.
I feel a lot of pressure to always have the correct answer. To anything.
I've been seeing this girl. The other day she tried telling me that she wanted to dedicate an entire day to fucking because we haven't had sex in a week. Instead, I got defensive and tried to explain why we haven't had sex in a week. What? Why would I do that? Awful.
I understand that my behavior and way of thinking is impractical and that it largely feeds itself. However, I can not stop.
How can I convince myself that regardless of how objectively dumb or ugly or wrong I might be, it's okay?
tl;dr Call the Wahmbulance. I have low self-esteem, lack of motivation and general anxiety.
deadlyrhetoric on
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The defensiveness and the anxiety can be solved in one swoop, as long as you're willing to try and think radically. The secret? Most people around you are far more worried about what they think YOU think of them, therefore have limited mental resources to pass judgment on you. Now, it's obviously easier said than done to change the way you're perceiving things, but hopefully it's a nudge in the right direction.
Self-Esteem? There's a girl in your life who wants to spend a day banging your brains out. You're probably a pretty awesome guy to be able to achieve this! Reward yourself right now with ice cream. While eating the ice cream, occasionally mutter the phrase "Fuck Yeah!".
I apologize that this may not be the clearest or most concise information, but I'm limited to commenting on your brief post. Personally, I have a song that I listen to whenever I want to chill the fuck out. Anytime I get stressed or anxious, I think of that song. Helps tons.
I know in my case it's due to childhood issues. What was your childhood like? I don't mean to get all "therapist" on you here (disclaimer: i am pretty much the opposite of a therapist.) but things that happen early on in life can definitely develop who you are in one way or another.
I went to therapy and got a little bit better about some things, but others, I know I'll never get over -- and the best thing I can do is try to watch myself, and most importantly, come back later and admit when I was wrong/stupid.
Cold Stone or Ben and Jerry's? Should this not even be a choice?
Is the right answer Cold Stone?
It's hard for me to remember a lot of the specifics of my childhood. My parents had a long, pretty rough divorce and I was mostly left to myself to take care of my younger brother and not fail at life. Most of the stuff I described above is the way I've been for as long as I can remember. Even prior to my parent's divorce.
I mean, maybe it's a chemical imbalance that I don't take seriously?
MAYBE IT'S A TUMOR.
At least your sense of humour is still in tact, that seems like a good sign.
Therapy can be very useful, but if all of your time in session gets spent working on your defensiveness then none of your other core issues get addressed. See if you can circumvent it by putting what you wrote on paper. I mean, it's something that you wrote. It's patently silly to get defensive about her reading aloud something that you wrote, right?
IT'S NOT A TOOMAH.
Maybe it's Lupus?
Practice being totally open to your therapist. I'm sure she doesn't hate you - that would be unprofessional. She's a safe person to let down your defenses with, because your conversations with her are confidential.
I have a really hard time expressing stuff related to it. I mean, I could feel how red my face was when I created this topic. Which is super-awks because I'm at work.
The only times I don't feel this pervasive anxiety and defensiveness is when I'm having sex or riding my bike. I think the latter is mostly because I'm too pre-occupied with not getting the door prize to be self-conscious.
I try opening up to people - I really do. Immediately once I do though, I recoil and I usually cease all communication with them for weeks. I can do this for at least a week without even noticing that I'm doing it. When I think about them I can only think about how embarrassing it was to tell them whatever it was I said to them.
My thing with this is like...people do unprofessional things all the time. I'm writing this at work. And I have no way of knowing - how do I know she doesn't go home and tell her family about some loser kid in his mid-20s with made up problems who she only sees because he pays his co-pays in cash?
Can dudes even get lupus? I feel like all of the ads and pictures of symptoms always show exclusively women. Should I be worried that being a dude with lupus would be emasculating?
It's never Lupus.
She probably does (minus the pejorative wording). I've had several therapist encounters where the psychiatrist/counsellor mentions "I'm seeing this one person who...". You just won't be named, I guess.
It's also possible that your negative perception and internalization of everything is making you think that your therapist relationship is much worse than it is.
I'll second that you write something to your therapist. Even if you just wanted to write a letter explaining what you have commuynicated here concerning how you view her. It may give her insight into the situation that was lacking because of the defensive behavior.
Really, there are few things that aren't worth bringing up to a therapist. I can guarantee you that she has had worse clients than you, and that letting her know that you have this embarrassment and defensive attitude in regards to her may eventually lead to some sort of resolution.
Don't think that your therapist needs to like you as a person to help you. It doesn't matter whether they like you or not, anymore than a computer tech needs to be a fan of Windows to fix computers running it. So don't waste your time worrying about whether she likes you. It's not useful.
Ok. So there seems to be a general consensus that even if my therapist does talk about me outside of our sessions that it doesn't matter. And, prima facie, you're all exactly right. It doesn't.
Well, it shouldn't. But it does. These are things that I'm incredibly ashamed of and embarrassed by and the thought that she might just be turning around and telling them to whoever is certainly, in my mind, a valid fear and something that keeps me from opening up to her.
Now, you're all still correct. I should just accept that she might and acknowledge its irrelevance and move on and I will try.
I like this idea. I might not print out and bring this post verbatim but I will definitely steal some things from it. Just discussing this here is actually helping organize a lot of this in my mind and come up with words and ways to talk about it. Thank you, PA!
Who is judging you? Why do you think anyone else gives a damn? Who cares what ice cream you eat, or whether you're wearing a certain shirt or hat?
A "baby step" would be to simply stop doing things that can attract attention, so get shirts that don't have any writing or logos on them, and don't wear hats that say shit on them. If no one can make a comment, perhaps that would help.
A "big step" would be to get over it, and realize that 99.999% of all people in the world aren't paying attention to you. They're not judging you, or even really concerned with what you do. That's not to be interpretted that they're cruel or mean, just that they have no reason to discern you from the other 6.6 billion people in the world.
Take a step back from your current life, and think about it. Are you doing anything that should cause you to feel embarrassed or judged? Can you think of a reason why you would need to defend a decision or action of yours? I mean some people do that and realize "hey I'm kind of a jerk, maybe I should be nicer." Some people do it and realize "I'm actually an OK dude, I should be happy about that and if someone doesn't like me, that's their problem."
If someone is a therapist and they really truly don't give a shit about people, they probably wouldn't be a therapist for very long. I saw one a couple times and pretty much cried my eyes out the whole time and I am sure looked really dumb, but I felt like I could say what I actually thought instead of having to hide it. Because she didn't know anyone I knew, and if she actually told someone I knew...well that's against the law.
I've have some of the problems you have to a much lesser degree. I would always worry that I was annoying people. I was afraid just being somewhere was bothering them. What helped me was realizing I was placing way too much importance on myself in other peoples minds. The guy that said "nice shirt" probably didn't even remember saying it or think about it for more than a couple seconds...but why did it bother you so much? Thinking that way can sometimes bring relief.
Your post made me incredibly defensive. I had to cool down before responding.
I can think of a few things that I do that are definite causes for embarrassment or judgment but I definitely should get over it. I agree with your point but, unfortunately, these are things I've been doing for the majority of my life. My reactions are almost involuntary. I can't just "get over it" in one fell swoop. However, I'm going to try to use some of the other suggestions here to make that big step.
I would worry that he was saying it sarcastically, hoping that I wouldn't notice his sarcasm, in effort to make me look like an ass.
TWO SCOOPS OF SELF-LOATHING. No. Two scoops of birthday cake from Cold Stone with rainbow sprinkles.
Take a chance, you have a lot to gain and the only thing you have to loose is your current condition.
That's exactly what I was talking about. Me describing my interpretation of your "problem" made you feel that I was judging you. I can assure you that it was not the case, but merely my interpretation of what you were telling us all.
I can't say "I've been through it and I got better," but I can say that I think everyone, myself included, at one point in their life feels that they're being judged unfairly, or dumped on, or accused or berated over something that, in hindsight, probably wasn't a big deal. It didn't make the feelings any less real. It didn't mean your emotions weren't valid.
I mean, who likes it when people say something negative about their own preferences? Like, even something petty like a movie or music, if you say "Oh I think that band is shit," you're going to piss that person off and make them defensive. I think the problem you're having is that you're perceiving everything to be a criticism of you, which is causing you all this anxiety and unhappiness.
There's nothing wrong with feeling defensive when you feel that you've been wronged, but, as you point out in your reply to me, I didn't say anything that criticized you -- at least, that wasn't my intention. I mean you've obviously got enough good stuff going on if you have a girlfriend, you have enough money to see a therapist (or health care coverage), and you have the sense to make a post on a forum saying "dudes, I think something is wrong with me." That's all good stuff. I think you just interpret any discussion of YOU, as a person, as judgment. Are you comfortable with people talking about you, even if it's positive or neutral? Or do you wish that your life was always off-topic, something not to be discussed?
I think everyone feels the way you do at some point in their life. For me, what helped me feel happy about myself was when I started to play an instrument as an adult, and it made me think about other things I enjoyed doing as well. So in conversation, I would then bring up these elements of my own life that I was pleased with, and this has had the effect of me encouraging other people to talk about things in their own life that were positive. It's kind of a cheezy optimist thing to think about, but I think that would be a good baby step for you -- what do you do that you're happy with, or that makes you happy? What do you feel you're good at? Not good at as in "better than anyone else," but that you feel good while doing? It can be as simple as "I really like to read a good book."
That way they're left standing there looking like an asshole. And if they were sincere... welp, all you did was say thanks! No harm done.
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I don't like to talk about stuff I can do because then I feel like there's some level of expectation for me to perform at a certain level.
Right now the only time I'm not freaking out is when I'm riding my bike but like I said, that's because I'm too preoccupied trying to not become roadkill.
Sort of...or I'd be left standing there looking like someone who has no ability to detect sarcasm.
For instance, my town is full of chumps who like to scream shit from their cars and drive off. You know the kind i'm sure. When ever that happens I throw them an excellent thumbs up, and keep walking. Some dude who was passing by me actually said to me "haha, wow, what assholes" and didn't perceive me as some person who had no wicked comeback to a stupid remark.
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Right -- you're uncomfortable with people apparently noticing anything about you. And the situation that is entirely focused on you -- therapy -- makes you incredibly uncomfortable.
My point is that you perceive these people as judging you, even if it's positive. In your example, people compliment you on your abilities, yet you perceive them as judging your abilities, and because you're not omgawesome, you want them to ignore even the good things.
The deeper question is why do you feel that everyone is passing judgment on you, whether it's positive or negative?
Isn't that exactly what they're doing? They say, "Oh, I like x" or "Oh, I dislike y" - they're judging how they feel about me or something associated with me. That makes me really anxious. I feel this obligation to them - to always be more 'x' or less 'y' when I see them.
The problem with compliments is that I feel like that person will always expect that or greater from me and anything else is a let down. I feel like there's no room for error or mistakes. I don't want to be beholden to someone's expectations when I never asked for it or agreed to it.
Although, I guess this brings me to your initial advice to just deal with it. I should do this. I want to. I try to. The hardest part for me isn't dismissing it after the fact. That's the easy part.
This. I can get behind this.
Have you ever tried meditation, yoga or any other form of relaxation therapy? You sound so anxious about every little interaction. If you were to spend some time training your body and mind to let go and relax, you may find that the benefit crosses into these anxiety-ridden social manifestations.
Girlfriends are often wicked awesome motivators in this regard. Try asking her if she would like to attend a yoga class or self-instruct, if you're worried about everyone judging your form and style. In fact if you're in decent shape at all, in a beginners yoga class you'd probably get a lot of perspective on judging others and their subsequent reaction to judgment.
I have not and normally I would not. However, I think I would be willing to give meditation a shot. I will read up on it this weekend. Thanks for the suggestions.
I guess a good example that I'll use from my own life is working on a group project in school. I understand that if you have a group of people writing together, people will contribute and edit to different parts of a paper. However, some people take very strong ownership of a section, good or bad, and will really fight over any changes to "their stuff." They don't realize that interaction and working together tends to make a better product in the end.
Now, in general social interaction, most people aren't out to be a dick. If someone says "I like how you play the guitar," they don't mean "You need to get better and play for me," what they mean is "I like how you play the guitar." Rarely does anyone have an ulterior motive. You yourself are putting that meaning behind their words -- your interpretation of their comment is adding that meaning.
Now, yes, if someone says to you "hey, you need to use soap when you shower," you may want to consider listening to the intent behind their words. But most comments, good or bad, are both harmless and meaningless. I used to have an issue with smalltalk at work, because, well, I don't really know anything about my coworkers. But I ride my bike in the warmer months and so I can talk about the weather and my ride in that morning, so I do if I bump into someone in the kitchen. When they say something like "you rode in with the rain this morning?" I don't take it to mean "you are crazy for riding your bike, I cannot believe i am talking to someone this insane." They mean "you must have gotten wet." To which I respond "Yeah, I got a little wet but I dried off. It's supposed to clear up this afternoon too, so I have my fingers crossed."
Putting your example into it, when your girlfriend said "I want to take a day where we only have sex," she most likely meant "I want to take a day where we only have sex." You put some deeper meaning into it on your own.
In a lot of ways, I support Crowing's point. Meditation doesn't need to be a deep religious experience, but rather a time to relax and just let your brain work through stuff without input from your consciousness. In a lot of ways, it's helpful for times when you're anxious or troubled because it lets you take a step back, "get meta" about yourself.
And it's free. You don't need to assume the lotus position and light incense -- you can also just go to a local park you like, by yourself, and sit in the grass and close your eyes or stare at the clouds.
So what's up with you caring so much about what other people think?
Is this one of those mirror things were you walk around judging people all day (pssh red hat, i bet he's an asshole) and then worry about what they think of you (oh man, this blue hat, i wonder if that guy thinks im an asshole), or is it just extreme self-conciousness?
Also, if I, anonymous person #34, think badly of you, how does that affect your life in real terms? I'm not pointing at anything, but I'm curious as to how you see that affecting you.
And I can guarantee you that every person here would far prefer someone who is honest than one that is fake and says stuff because we will "like" what we hear.
I think the best thing for you to do, is recognise when you are being ridiculous and address it. With your girlfriend for example if you launch into your tirade about why you haven't been having sex and you catch yourself, you should apologise to your girlfriend, say what your doing is stupid and defensive, take off her clothes and fuck her damm brains out.
If you catch yourself doing negative thoughts work your way through them.
Satans..... hints.....
The bolded part. I can't even begin to express this enough. If you're worrying about an actual issue that does need fixing, please do fix it (like fucking your girlfriend). Don't get all defensive, That's what fucked up my current relationship a bit. He'd get defensive about every little thing I said (like,well, not enough sex!) and the relationship was no longer enjoyable. In stead of talking to me, he'd just freak out, and shut down. I eventually had to sit him down and just let me talk. He freaked out again, but I think something in him snapped, because it's been several months now, and he's not nearly as sensitive. It's like he has a conscious idea of how he's acting, and realizes that every little thing I say isn't a hit at him.
People do have their criticisms, believe me, and people can be horrifyingly nasty, but it's just something people go through. And you know what I said earlier about being really nice to someone who was nasty to you as a coping mechanism? Yeah, forget that. Just ignore them. They don't deserve the time of day, and don't give it to 'em.
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Yeah, it's kind of a dickish skit. But believe it or not, this has actually helped me. Plus it makes me laugh whenever I think about it.
I used to have something similar, though admittedly, not as intense as you're describing. It's called having an "imaginary audience." Where you perceive you are "onstage" at the center of attention. Everybody's watching you, judging you. I may be off target but that's what it sounds like to me.
It's supposed to go away right around high school, because that's when your brain realizes that, in fact, nobody is watching or judging you. But for some folks, it doesn't. I still have it slightly, but believe it or not, I just think back to that MadTV clip and it really does help me. I tell myself to, "Stop it!" in my best Bob Newhart voice.
Also, you seem much more comfortable typing about it rather than speaking about it, judging by your bad experience with your therapist. In college we had to speak to one of the student-therapists-in-training as part of our final. I thought it was silly, because I didn't think I had anything to talk about. So we just wasted time for awhile. Then he suggested something that sounded weird to me. He had me go home and sit at my computer and e-mail him. Just to start writing. Lo and behold, I opened up and in the end it really helped. After I wrote to him, our sessions went much, much smoother and it was nice just to talk to someone.
I bring this up because you say you perceive almost everything as a negative attack at you, but look at how good you are doing here with all this advice in writing. You haven't retreated a single time that I could tell.
So I guess I'm agreeing with the others who said to write stuff down and then interact with a therapist that way.
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
steam - WeAreAllGeth
Wow.
I want your girlfriend.
remember how you said you interpret everything as hostile?
yea, I think you're doing that with your therapist
no one hates you
maybe tell her that you are worried that she hates you
I've known several therapists
they never tell me about individuals, but man
they deal with a lot worse than you
you are kind of the basic deal
if she hates you & thinks you have "made up" problems I don't know why she stays in business
I mean she'd REALLY hate the other clients
tl;dr the therapist doesn't hate you you don't sound that bad don't worry!!!!
Now imagine it the other way around, that Bob got a haircut. What would you say to him?
Would you want to hurt his feelings for caring about what his hair looks like?
Would you think, "How dare he spend money on himself!"
Would you judge him?
Of course not. You would say, "Hey man, I like your haircut." Why would you would say that? Its probably because you arent an asshole.
So now switch it all back around. Is Bob an asshole? Do you think he was really judging you or your haircut?
If you do encounter someone who really is an asshole, well then fuck that person. They're an asshole. Who gives a shit about them?
I would also lose the yankees cap. I live in Boston too and I hate dealing with Redsox fans when I'm wearing regular clothes. I cant imagine the level of bullshit that must come from actually baiting them. And again, screw them. They dont even know how to use the T.
I feel you on this. I'm going to give it a shot.
There's no way I could at this point! Two pages dedicated to "You don't seem like a douche bag, get over it!" I've got no choice but to improve.
You can move wherever you want but you can't change where you're from. At least that's what I say when I get shit for it. 99% of the people who hear that follow up with, "True. That makes sense. Get a Mets hat" and then it's lulz time, as opposed to burn-the-yankees-fan-alive time. I don't even like baseball, let alone the Yankees.
Here's to a less anxious future.
Thanks again, PA.
P.S. Sex day is on Sunday.
I salvaged that last night.