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Looking for some advice from women (or men?) (Girl thread)

Das NinjaDas Ninja Registered User regular
edited May 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
WOW! another girl thread?! well, I'M surprised...but anyway, here goes.

This pretty much follows all the other girl threads in sense of form, but bear with me if you would.

There is this girl (really?) that i have been friends with for quite a while, but really started to get to know her about 2+ years ago. And ever since then, I have had pretty strong feelings for her. (no way...) It is very hard for me to express my feelings in a normal way, that isnt jokey. And that's not just in this situation, pretty much everything i try to hide with some sort of guise, or try to avoid it completely. But back on track, I asked this girl to go for a walk the other day cause I have had enough of just thinking about her every day and was going to tell her how i felt about her.

This alone took WAY too much time to even muster up the will to do. But it turned out she was sick, so she couldn't. Ok, fine. I was totally ready to pretty much spill everything that I had/have thought about her that night, but it didn't work out. Which was probably for the better, seeing as how i would have just have had a bad case of word diarreah (that cant be right) Now, this is where i need the advice.

Ladies: If a guy were to write a letter, hand written, and leave it for you somewhere where you would find it with said feelings. How would you react? Is this a "Don't even think about it, you coward. Call her for a walk again." or a "that is really thoughtful and maybe even better that he got everything he needed to say out of the way"?

And guys: Have any of you ever done this? and if so, how did it turn out?

I am sick of thinking about this, and it almost has a self motive involved, as to if i were to tell her, there would be a huge weight off my chest, and i could maybe start thinking clearly again. Everything that I am interested in has kind have dropped to the way side. Guitar, computer, gym, work. I'm just very neutral to everything. I'm not at all afraid of rejection, I just need to get this out. Please, be as harsh as need be with the responses.

Thanks for reading.

Das Ninja on

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    4U2NV4U2NV Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Don't write a letter. It shows you lack confidence to ask her face to face.

    4U2NV on
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    kaliyamakaliyama Left to find less-moderated fora Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    uh, how old are you?
    it doesn't seem likely she rciprocates those feelings, or you'd be asking us what her ambiguous behavior meant.
    so best to not even bother bringing it up, unless you want to seem creepy and lose a friend.

    kaliyama on
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    noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    How about you just ask her out on a date?

    The whole walk/letter telling her how you feel has always struck me as a bit creepy. I mean, maybe girls don't think that, but it just seems like unecessarily dramatic. Just ask her out, make sure she knows it's a date, and see where it goes from there.

    noir_blood on
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    AnomeAnome Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    noir_blood wrote: »
    How about you just ask her out on a date?

    The whole walk/letter telling her how you feel has always struck me as a bit creepy. I mean, maybe girls don't think that, but it just seems like unecessarily dramatic. Just ask her out, make sure she knows it's a date, and see where it goes from there.

    I mostly agree with this. I never saw it as creepy, but definitely unnecessary. If you ask her out she'll figure out that you're attracted to her without you having to explicitly say "I've liked you for such a long time" or anything like that. You say you're not afraid of rejection so that's a huge plus. Just go for it.

    Anome on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Yeah,
    I was totally ready to pretty much spill everything that I had/have thought about her that night

    Is probably not a good idea. She doesn't need to know how long you have obsessed about her for, she just needs to know that you like her. Just ask her out. I'm a girl and am giving you this advice on behalf of the entire gender.

    DodgeBlan on
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    Das NinjaDas Ninja Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    Yeah,
    I was totally ready to pretty much spill everything that I had/have thought about her that night

    Is probably not a good idea. She doesn't need to know how long you have obsessed about her for, she just needs to know that you like her. Just ask her out. I'm a girl and am giving you this advice on behalf of the entire gender.


    Sound advice so far. Especially this. I wouldn't use the word obsessed though. Yes, I like her a lot, but not to the point of obsession. But thank you for this, especially on behalf of the entire gender no less.

    Das Ninja on
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    CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    What's wrong with the classics like "would you like to go out sometime?" or "fancy getting a coffee sometime?". The classic lines are classic for a reason; because they work. Saying something like that communicates well what your intentions are without coming across too strongly or weirdly.


    Don't write a letter containing a massive spiel about how awesome you think she is and how much you like her because as others have said at best you'll come across as needy and desperate and at worst she'll start the paperwork for a restraining order. Just ask her for coffee and talk to her for a bit.

    Casual on
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    SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    I did that once; fifth grade. Cute girl. Didn't pan. Well, it did all right ten years later when we were chatting it up one day, but that's a different story. I digress:

    Do Not Do This.

    Unless a girl is already into you, the thought of some random obsessing over her is unlikely to spark any goodwill. It says you're shy, you don't know what you're doing, and you probably lack basic social skills. None of these items sell particularily well at the Girl Supermarket, even if they're on special.

    So my advice is, write your letter and then a) burn it, b) write the gist of it on your arm so you can go actually talk to her.

    The writing part is awesome- nothing frees up the tongue like turning abstract thoughts and feelings into real sentances and words. It's practice, and there's no shame in good solid practice. Speaking things out loud, getting a good grip on things; all very handy when your just starting out.

    But don't give it to her, and don't leave it around so that you might give it to her. It does not end well.

    Sarcastro on
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    JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    edited May 2009
    DONT WRITE A LETTER OR PROFESS YOUR UNDYING LOVE OR BOTH!

    You could go kinda like the office space route.

    Just say hey I think you are pretty cool and would like to go on a date with you. If you don't want to, that's cool too.

    Just play it cool, say that and no more. Keep it chill, and everything will be fine. If there is a rejection, just work on moving on and being just friends.

    JebusUD on
    and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
    but they're listening to every word I say
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    RetoxRetox Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    She almost certainly knows you have feelings for her. You might think you hide them completely but you don't, and she has picked up on that. The fact that it has been this way for two years makes me assume that she doesn't feel the same way and that she doesn't want to experience the incredible awkwardness of rejecting a close friend.

    Now that I've said that, I think you should tell her. In (my opinion of course) close male/female friendships there is almost always an element of sexual tension that keeps the friendship from developing beyond a certain point. However, once the romantic possibilities are removed (by, for instance, one person rejecting the other), the friendship can move forward and the two people become much closer.

    So ask her out. Don't neccessarily go in expecting rejection, but if it does happen realize that doesn't mean your friendship is over, it might even get stronger as a result.

    Retox on
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    noobertnoobert Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    How would you phrase it? "Hey X, wanna go out on a date sometime?". Would that work with a close friend? or would he need to make his intentions more clear?

    noobert on
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    JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    edited May 2009
    noobert wrote: »
    How would you phrase it? "Hey X, wanna go out on a date sometime?". Would that work with a close friend? or would he need to make his intentions more clear?

    If he specifically uses the word date I think his intentions would be clear enough. Just follow the jebus program and he will be fine.

    JebusUD on
    and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
    but they're listening to every word I say
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    underdonkunderdonk __BANNED USERS regular
    edited May 2009
    noobert wrote: »
    How would you phrase it? "Hey X, wanna go out on a date sometime?". Would that work with a close friend? or would he need to make his intentions more clear?

    With close friends I prefer "I want to get in your knickers" or "I want to put my weewee in your hoohoo". Hasn't failed me yet.

    EDIT: The point is, keep it light. Your pre-existing relationship gives you some leeway.

    underdonk on
    Back in the day, bucko, we just had an A and a B button... and we liked it.
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    The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Ask her out

    We have all been there, the sooner you start asking girls out the better.

    I asked out my best friend once, she said no, we became better friends for it

    It can only become as awkward as you let it be

    EDIT: Don't mention how much you love her or how long you have wanted to do this, just do it

    The Black Hunter on
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    SaniusSanius Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    The rule in life with women is always remain chill and be the level-headed one. So don't become puddy in her hands and write her love letters and get puppy-eyed at her. That's HER job, man. Not to sound sexist, but I think she'd dig you a lot more if you just went up to her casually (chill) and told her that you like her and want to go out with her.

    Like, nothing more, and nothing less. I found that with women, it's much better to do less than more when it comes to letting them know how you feel, because it gives off the notation that you can't prove how you feel, but you can!

    Sanius on
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    rfaliasrfalias Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Another drop in the hat for the office space line.

    Don't do the whole gut-spilling thing, it never works out like you think.

    rfalias on
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    MegaMan001MegaMan001 CRNA Rochester, MNRegistered User regular
    edited May 2009
    "Hey, I think you're pretty cool. You want to go out to dinner and perhaps we could be cool together? If not, that's cool too. Sorry, my 'word of today calendar' was 'cool' today."

    Casual is the best way to get a serious relationship going.

    MegaMan001 on
    I am in the business of saving lives.
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    Namel3ssNamel3ss Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    I am not sure how old you are and if you have the flexibility of driving, etc.

    I would suggest finding out something about what kind of food/bar/coffee/hobby/whatever she likes. Do a bit of research finding something novel along those lines, and then just tell her "I heard about X, it sounds like fun to me, you and I should go sometime. I was thinking next Saturday?" Take her and have a good time.

    Do not be like "So, um, I was wondering, if its not too much trouble for you, if maybe, you would like to do something with me?" Just tell her what would be fun and go do it. If she really isn't into you she'll tell you. If she is at least willing to go hang out with you; show her a really good time and she'll get to know you better.

    Namel3ss on
    May the wombat of happiness snuffle through your underbrush.
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    HypatiaHypatia Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    You could always pull an Eddie Izzard:
    “Susan, I saw you in the classroom today, uh… As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, ‘I fancy you.’ ”

    :D

    Hypatia on
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    The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited May 2009
    MegaMan001 wrote: »
    "Hey, I think you're pretty cool. You want to go out to dinner and perhaps we could be cool together? If not, that's cool too. Sorry, my 'word of today calendar' was 'cool' today."

    Casual is the best way to get a serious relationship going.

    Don't you dare do this

    I would slap the shit through any of my friends if I heard them utter this to a girl

    While his end line is okay, I'm guessing Megaman's quote was a muddled mess even to him. I will pin this on alcohol

    The Black Hunter on
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    i n c u b u si n c u b u s Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    I had this situation in high school and I pretty much did what was told here in this thread. I asked her out to the movies first and it went well so it was smooth sailing from there. It turns out that she was into me too so it was really special when I told her about how I had liked her for a while before I got the courage to ask her out (I told her this WELL after the relationship was established, in fact just around the time I confessed my love to her...don't do that now though....) She thought it was the sweetest thing ever and my brownie points went through the roof. You don't necessarily have to put into words how crazy you are/have been about her right now but you can def show her. If everything goes smoothly and you guys go on a date you be the best damn date she could ever ask for and if you guys start officially dating then you treat her like the lady she is and you've adored for so long. IE actions speak louder than words.

    i n c u b u s on
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    CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    With relationships, it is best to do everything of importance in person face-to-face. Whether asking someone out, asking them to move in, proposing marriage, or breaking up, face-to-face is the way to do it.

    It is best to keep the conversation when you ask her out fairly casual. It allows both of you to save face if she has to say "no". So don't reveal the depth of your feelings now. Save it for later on. It'd be too heavy right now. You might come off more as a crazed stalker than a love-sick swain.

    CelestialBadger on
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    ShawnaseeShawnasee Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    I wrote a story about a guy(me) who talks to the angel and devil on his shoulder about the girl of his dreams and whether or not he should ask her out. I gave that story to the girl of my dreams.
    She loved it. We're married.
    However, she is a COMPLETE sap for stuff like that which I did NOT know at the time.

    Which brings me to my point...most everyone's advice here is based on anecdotal evidence(just like mine) so make sure you understand this. It's different for every girl.

    Does she like a confident fellow?
    Does she think it's cute when a guy fumbles over his words asking her out?
    Does she think poetry or corny ways of asking people out are dumb? Or does she melt at the thought?

    You're in a position to know these kinds of things because you, you know, know her.
    Thinking about it, depending on how close you are to her, you probably SHOULD know how she likes to be approached seeing as how you started to get to know her 2+ years ago.

    To sum up...it CAN work being fumbly and poetic when approaching a girl, of course, this depends on the girl.

    Having said that, the direct approach is probably your best bet. Write the letter and then give it to her if things go well.

    Shawnasee on
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    MegaMan001MegaMan001 CRNA Rochester, MNRegistered User regular
    edited May 2009
    MegaMan001 wrote: »
    "Hey, I think you're pretty cool. You want to go out to dinner and perhaps we could be cool together? If not, that's cool too. Sorry, my 'word of today calendar' was 'cool' today."

    Casual is the best way to get a serious relationship going.

    Don't you dare do this

    I would slap the shit through any of my friends if I heard them utter this to a girl

    While his end line is okay, I'm guessing Megaman's quote was a muddled mess even to him. I will pin this on alcohol

    Buddy, it was a joke on how to be 'cool' while asking out a girl. It certainly didn't require the use of BOLD TEXT.

    MegaMan001 on
    I am in the business of saving lives.
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Explaining how you've loved someone from afar is awesome after you've been on a few dates and seem kind of serious. It's pretty creepy if you've never really even talked to the person before, mostly because you really don't know much about them.

    Like, if there has to be a rule about it, the rule should be something like "do not spill your guts until you know which direction she puts her toilet paper."

    See, if you give her a letter, then what? What do you hope to happen? You hope she comes up to you and talks to you? What if she doesn't? Then you feel like a real loser.

    EggyToast on
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    oncelingonceling Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    If the girl was me this would be an epic failure. I'd be pissed off that you would expect ME to be the one to have the balls to come and say something and initiate a relationship after you just passed the ball via a NOTE?

    I would be thinking "great, if I want him to order me a pizza after a long day at work I'll probably get to his place and he'll say he was too scared to talk to the delivery guy and could I please do the phone call for him."

    onceling on
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    mullymully Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    im surprised so many people are against this
    i was in your spot. i wasn't looking to date the person, i just wanted closure. you know, that feeling where you just need to say it, in order to move on in any way. i wrote an EMAIL. super impersonal, right? but i felt like it was casual enough and gave me enough room to not make them feel too uncomfortable - like i just wanted my best friend to know that there was something more, but whatever. i sandwiched it between 2 other paragraphs .. psychobabble mostly. now there are a multitude of ways this could've gone for me. lucky for me (although to my absolute shock and horror at the time), my email recipient had actually planned on speaking to me face-to-face about it and felt the same way.
    would this happen for everyone? nah. i think it's fairly rare.
    if you do decide to go the email/letter route, and if she doesn't respond, act normal. laugh about it. i didn't get a response for 4 days about my email, despite the fact that he was in my house (he was visiting from across the country -- i emailed him during the day from work.) in the midst of those 4 days, i acted as if it were never sent at all. after you put that kind of crap out there, it's up to them to decide how they want to go about it.
    my reasoning behind emailing instead of just going face-to-face with him about it was to a) give him time to think about how he wanted to respond. we're talking about my best friend here, so i knew he wasn't going to want to hurt me in any way -- he'd want to let me down easy. thus, time-giving. b) lay out my thoughts in a clear way that was slightly less intense than i know what would come out of me. i should also say i had a boyfriend at the time and mentioning this to him at all was ENTIRELY for closure sake so that i could go on with the friendship and not feel like i was hiding anything. c) allow him to ignore it if he never wanted to hear something like that at all.

    also -- to those of you who ask out girls with the "want to see a movie some time" or "want to go for coffee" or whatever? those dont always register in a girls mind as dates. i've had a lot of dudes ask me to do those things -- friends -- and only a few times has it turned out that their intention was for it to be a date. and that is always embarrassing to realize that some dude thinks youre on a date with him, and you think you are seeing a movie with a new friend so you have something to talk about and become better friends through discussions of said-movie.

    oops. wall of text. hello to the poster above me! yay vancouver!

    mully on
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    CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Hypatia wrote: »
    You could always pull an Eddie Izzard:
    “Susan, I saw you in the classroom today, uh… As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, ‘I fancy you.’ ”

    :D

    Yes. Oh god yes.

    Casual on
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    DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Yeah.. don't write that letter and give it to her.

    I would definitely pay to see her reaction if you did though :^:

    Demerdar on
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    NatanekoNataneko Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    I don't think you should give her a letter, but then I'm not that girl. My advice would be to write that letter anyway to kinda... sort your feeling? You could write things that you would like to say to her, and then that could help you actually ask her out. then if it works out, you can show her the letter and laugh about it together!

    Nataneko on
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    VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    I got one of these letters once. A friend of about 2 years or so mailed it to me after I moved away. It was really awkward (and was far from smooth) and it irrevocably changed our friendship. I didn't feel comfortable being friends with someone who confessed his love for me and it pretty much killed the cool friendship we had going.

    VisionOfClarity on
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    UnderdogUnderdog Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    I got one of these letters once. A friend of about 2 years or so mailed it to me after I moved away. It was really awkward (and was far from smooth) and it irrevocably changed our friendship. I didn't feel comfortable being friends with someone who confessed his love for me and it pretty much killed the cool friendship we had going.

    I'm curious, would have been any different if he had done it in person instead? Basically, was it the fact that it was in letter form that made the aftermath that awkward or just everything s/he had to say in general?

    Letters get you in trouble I think in that they allow you too much time to think and then a person ends up saying waaaaaay too much.

    Underdog on
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    VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Underdog wrote: »
    I got one of these letters once. A friend of about 2 years or so mailed it to me after I moved away. It was really awkward (and was far from smooth) and it irrevocably changed our friendship. I didn't feel comfortable being friends with someone who confessed his love for me and it pretty much killed the cool friendship we had going.

    I'm curious, would have been any different if he had done it in person instead? Basically, was it the fact that it was in letter form that made the aftermath that awkward or just everything s/he had to say in general?

    Letters get you in trouble I think in that they allow you too much time to think and then a person ends up saying waaaaaay too much.

    Yes, because in person I could have cut him off and let him know I didn't feel the same before he got to the professing his love part. I also think he put way too much thought into the letter so it read really bizarrely.

    VisionOfClarity on
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    IogaIoga Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    As someone who has done the letter thing, don't. Your feelings might be huge, but she might not feel the same and a letter puts things in their place pretty concretely.

    Letters, by their nature, are heavy. They are a material manifestation of your feelings on paper and squiggly lines made of ink. You may already be friends with her, but it's better to test the waters than dive right in without some reassurance that she may return your feelings.

    When I did it (it feels like a long time ago), I wrote my letter to a girl I had classes with. There were signs she liked me back, like talking at parties and wanting to get dinner with me, etc. What I wrote wasn't anything terribly intimate, things like "getting to be around you the last few months has made me look forward to waking up at 8am every day," etc. While she acknowledged it was nice and very sweet, it was jumping ahead of things, and essentially asking her for things she wasn't sure she could give. It turned out about as well as it could have, now that I think about it.

    With that past failure dredged up, I would say pump the brakes a bit - I would definitely say ask her out. If things go well on there and you're sure she likes you back, then maybe lay some of those feelings on her.

    In my experience, starting relationships with someone you're not sure likes you the same way is like melting chocolate - if you try and go too hot too fast, it'll get clumpy and burned up. What you want to do is go at it with a really low heat, stirring gently from time to time. Smoother is better in chocolate and in relationships.

    Ioga on
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    MagicToasterMagicToaster JapanRegistered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Another vote against the letter. Asking girls out is really easy, just say "wanna get together some time?" Also, a little mystery goes a long way, don't tell her everything. Keep her on the edge for a bit, if you reveal too much, wheres the fun in that?

    MagicToaster on
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    SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Das Ninja wrote: »
    It is very hard for me to express my feelings in a normal way, that isnt jokey. And that's not just in this situation, pretty much everything i try to hide with some sort of guise, or try to avoid it completely.

    I'm assuming you're familiar with the H&A Girl Thread format since you were good-humored about your OP. If so, you'll recognize this as the point where someone points out that your larger problem is that you aren't confident enough to express how you feel. The letter thing, whether to send it, what to write in it, etc., all of that is actually pretty low on your list of things you need help with. Because let's assume just for a minute that the letter thing does work out -- okay, great, but that doesn't relieve you of your obligations to talk openly and honestly about your feelings in the future. Or are you planning on doing everything with the written word? Will you only express happiness over g-chat? Conduct all of your fights and arguments through certified mail? Deliver your wedding ring via fedex?

    And let's be honest, brother: the letter thing's a very low percentage shot, particularly in your situation. Especially when the author is the sort of person who isn't comfortable talking about his feelings, writing a letter can frequently do more harm than good when there's such a wild disconnect between what an individual writes in a letter and how he behaves or what he says in person, even when you're writing to someone you've been dating for years. It makes the recipient wonder why your writing sounds so different from the way you act in person and whether it's the letter or the behavior that's real and true.

    Just ask the girl out on a date, is my advice. You're going to have the urge to soft-sell it or make a joke out of it because it's something you're not naturally comfortable doing yet--fight that urge. Be explicit about what you're asking without overdoing it -- "Hey Jen, I was wondering if you'd be interested in going on a date with me Thursday?" You're going to balk at that, but honestly it's more considerate to let her know what you're asking than to have her show up at a movie theater expecting to meet you and a bunch of your mutual friends only to discover that she's on a stealth date.

    Be prepared to hear the word "no," and if that's her answer, be pleasant. Say thank you, tell her you're glad you asked but understand, and walk away with your head held high. Because really, man, it's okay if she says no. You'll at least have had the moral victory of stepping outside your comfort zone and doing something emotionally courageous. And you can take that experience and use it the next time you ask a girl out.

    SammyF on
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