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Looking for some advice from women (or men?) (Girl thread)
Das Ninja
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
WOW! another girl thread?! well, I'M surprised...but anyway, here goes.
This pretty much follows all the other girl threads in sense of form, but bear with me if you would.
There is this girl (really?) that i have been friends with for quite a while, but really started to get to know her about 2+ years ago. And ever since then, I have had pretty strong feelings for her. (no way...) It is very hard for me to express my feelings in a normal way, that isnt jokey. And that's not just in this situation, pretty much everything i try to hide with some sort of guise, or try to avoid it completely. But back on track, I asked this girl to go for a walk the other day cause I have had enough of just thinking about her every day and was going to tell her how i felt about her.
This alone took WAY too much time to even muster up the will to do. But it turned out she was sick, so she couldn't. Ok, fine. I was totally ready to pretty much spill everything that I had/have thought about her that night, but it didn't work out. Which was probably for the better, seeing as how i would have just have had a bad case of word diarreah (that cant be right) Now, this is where i need the advice.
Ladies: If a guy were to write a letter, hand written, and leave it for you somewhere where you would find it with said feelings. How would you react? Is this a "Don't even think about it, you coward. Call her for a walk again." or a "that is really thoughtful and maybe even better that he got everything he needed to say out of the way"?
And guys: Have any of you ever done this? and if so, how did it turn out?
I am sick of thinking about this, and it almost has a self motive involved, as to if i were to tell her, there would be a huge weight off my chest, and i could maybe start thinking clearly again. Everything that I am interested in has kind have dropped to the way side. Guitar, computer, gym, work. I'm just very neutral to everything. I'm not at all afraid of rejection, I just need to get this out. Please, be as harsh as need be with the responses.
Thanks for reading.
This pretty much follows all the other girl threads in sense of form, but bear with me if you would.
There is this girl (really?) that i have been friends with for quite a while, but really started to get to know her about 2+ years ago. And ever since then, I have had pretty strong feelings for her. (no way...) It is very hard for me to express my feelings in a normal way, that isnt jokey. And that's not just in this situation, pretty much everything i try to hide with some sort of guise, or try to avoid it completely. But back on track, I asked this girl to go for a walk the other day cause I have had enough of just thinking about her every day and was going to tell her how i felt about her.
This alone took WAY too much time to even muster up the will to do. But it turned out she was sick, so she couldn't. Ok, fine. I was totally ready to pretty much spill everything that I had/have thought about her that night, but it didn't work out. Which was probably for the better, seeing as how i would have just have had a bad case of word diarreah (that cant be right) Now, this is where i need the advice.
Ladies: If a guy were to write a letter, hand written, and leave it for you somewhere where you would find it with said feelings. How would you react? Is this a "Don't even think about it, you coward. Call her for a walk again." or a "that is really thoughtful and maybe even better that he got everything he needed to say out of the way"?
And guys: Have any of you ever done this? and if so, how did it turn out?
I am sick of thinking about this, and it almost has a self motive involved, as to if i were to tell her, there would be a huge weight off my chest, and i could maybe start thinking clearly again. Everything that I am interested in has kind have dropped to the way side. Guitar, computer, gym, work. I'm just very neutral to everything. I'm not at all afraid of rejection, I just need to get this out. Please, be as harsh as need be with the responses.
Thanks for reading.
Das Ninja on
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it doesn't seem likely she rciprocates those feelings, or you'd be asking us what her ambiguous behavior meant.
so best to not even bother bringing it up, unless you want to seem creepy and lose a friend.
The whole walk/letter telling her how you feel has always struck me as a bit creepy. I mean, maybe girls don't think that, but it just seems like unecessarily dramatic. Just ask her out, make sure she knows it's a date, and see where it goes from there.
I mostly agree with this. I never saw it as creepy, but definitely unnecessary. If you ask her out she'll figure out that you're attracted to her without you having to explicitly say "I've liked you for such a long time" or anything like that. You say you're not afraid of rejection so that's a huge plus. Just go for it.
Is probably not a good idea. She doesn't need to know how long you have obsessed about her for, she just needs to know that you like her. Just ask her out. I'm a girl and am giving you this advice on behalf of the entire gender.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Sound advice so far. Especially this. I wouldn't use the word obsessed though. Yes, I like her a lot, but not to the point of obsession. But thank you for this, especially on behalf of the entire gender no less.
Don't write a letter containing a massive spiel about how awesome you think she is and how much you like her because as others have said at best you'll come across as needy and desperate and at worst she'll start the paperwork for a restraining order. Just ask her for coffee and talk to her for a bit.
Do Not Do This.
Unless a girl is already into you, the thought of some random obsessing over her is unlikely to spark any goodwill. It says you're shy, you don't know what you're doing, and you probably lack basic social skills. None of these items sell particularily well at the Girl Supermarket, even if they're on special.
So my advice is, write your letter and then a) burn it, b) write the gist of it on your arm so you can go actually talk to her.
The writing part is awesome- nothing frees up the tongue like turning abstract thoughts and feelings into real sentances and words. It's practice, and there's no shame in good solid practice. Speaking things out loud, getting a good grip on things; all very handy when your just starting out.
But don't give it to her, and don't leave it around so that you might give it to her. It does not end well.
You could go kinda like the office space route.
Just say hey I think you are pretty cool and would like to go on a date with you. If you don't want to, that's cool too.
Just play it cool, say that and no more. Keep it chill, and everything will be fine. If there is a rejection, just work on moving on and being just friends.
but they're listening to every word I say
Now that I've said that, I think you should tell her. In (my opinion of course) close male/female friendships there is almost always an element of sexual tension that keeps the friendship from developing beyond a certain point. However, once the romantic possibilities are removed (by, for instance, one person rejecting the other), the friendship can move forward and the two people become much closer.
So ask her out. Don't neccessarily go in expecting rejection, but if it does happen realize that doesn't mean your friendship is over, it might even get stronger as a result.
If he specifically uses the word date I think his intentions would be clear enough. Just follow the jebus program and he will be fine.
but they're listening to every word I say
With close friends I prefer "I want to get in your knickers" or "I want to put my weewee in your hoohoo". Hasn't failed me yet.
EDIT: The point is, keep it light. Your pre-existing relationship gives you some leeway.
We have all been there, the sooner you start asking girls out the better.
I asked out my best friend once, she said no, we became better friends for it
It can only become as awkward as you let it be
EDIT: Don't mention how much you love her or how long you have wanted to do this, just do it
Like, nothing more, and nothing less. I found that with women, it's much better to do less than more when it comes to letting them know how you feel, because it gives off the notation that you can't prove how you feel, but you can!
T-Nation blog
Don't do the whole gut-spilling thing, it never works out like you think.
Casual is the best way to get a serious relationship going.
I would suggest finding out something about what kind of food/bar/coffee/hobby/whatever she likes. Do a bit of research finding something novel along those lines, and then just tell her "I heard about X, it sounds like fun to me, you and I should go sometime. I was thinking next Saturday?" Take her and have a good time.
Do not be like "So, um, I was wondering, if its not too much trouble for you, if maybe, you would like to do something with me?" Just tell her what would be fun and go do it. If she really isn't into you she'll tell you. If she is at least willing to go hang out with you; show her a really good time and she'll get to know you better.
Don't you dare do this
I would slap the shit through any of my friends if I heard them utter this to a girl
While his end line is okay, I'm guessing Megaman's quote was a muddled mess even to him. I will pin this on alcohol
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
It is best to keep the conversation when you ask her out fairly casual. It allows both of you to save face if she has to say "no". So don't reveal the depth of your feelings now. Save it for later on. It'd be too heavy right now. You might come off more as a crazed stalker than a love-sick swain.
She loved it. We're married.
However, she is a COMPLETE sap for stuff like that which I did NOT know at the time.
Which brings me to my point...most everyone's advice here is based on anecdotal evidence(just like mine) so make sure you understand this. It's different for every girl.
Does she like a confident fellow?
Does she think it's cute when a guy fumbles over his words asking her out?
Does she think poetry or corny ways of asking people out are dumb? Or does she melt at the thought?
You're in a position to know these kinds of things because you, you know, know her.
Thinking about it, depending on how close you are to her, you probably SHOULD know how she likes to be approached seeing as how you started to get to know her 2+ years ago.
To sum up...it CAN work being fumbly and poetic when approaching a girl, of course, this depends on the girl.
Having said that, the direct approach is probably your best bet. Write the letter and then give it to her if things go well.
Buddy, it was a joke on how to be 'cool' while asking out a girl. It certainly didn't require the use of BOLD TEXT.
Like, if there has to be a rule about it, the rule should be something like "do not spill your guts until you know which direction she puts her toilet paper."
See, if you give her a letter, then what? What do you hope to happen? You hope she comes up to you and talks to you? What if she doesn't? Then you feel like a real loser.
I would be thinking "great, if I want him to order me a pizza after a long day at work I'll probably get to his place and he'll say he was too scared to talk to the delivery guy and could I please do the phone call for him."
i was in your spot. i wasn't looking to date the person, i just wanted closure. you know, that feeling where you just need to say it, in order to move on in any way. i wrote an EMAIL. super impersonal, right? but i felt like it was casual enough and gave me enough room to not make them feel too uncomfortable - like i just wanted my best friend to know that there was something more, but whatever. i sandwiched it between 2 other paragraphs .. psychobabble mostly. now there are a multitude of ways this could've gone for me. lucky for me (although to my absolute shock and horror at the time), my email recipient had actually planned on speaking to me face-to-face about it and felt the same way.
would this happen for everyone? nah. i think it's fairly rare.
if you do decide to go the email/letter route, and if she doesn't respond, act normal. laugh about it. i didn't get a response for 4 days about my email, despite the fact that he was in my house (he was visiting from across the country -- i emailed him during the day from work.) in the midst of those 4 days, i acted as if it were never sent at all. after you put that kind of crap out there, it's up to them to decide how they want to go about it.
my reasoning behind emailing instead of just going face-to-face with him about it was to a) give him time to think about how he wanted to respond. we're talking about my best friend here, so i knew he wasn't going to want to hurt me in any way -- he'd want to let me down easy. thus, time-giving. b) lay out my thoughts in a clear way that was slightly less intense than i know what would come out of me. i should also say i had a boyfriend at the time and mentioning this to him at all was ENTIRELY for closure sake so that i could go on with the friendship and not feel like i was hiding anything. c) allow him to ignore it if he never wanted to hear something like that at all.
also -- to those of you who ask out girls with the "want to see a movie some time" or "want to go for coffee" or whatever? those dont always register in a girls mind as dates. i've had a lot of dudes ask me to do those things -- friends -- and only a few times has it turned out that their intention was for it to be a date. and that is always embarrassing to realize that some dude thinks youre on a date with him, and you think you are seeing a movie with a new friend so you have something to talk about and become better friends through discussions of said-movie.
oops. wall of text. hello to the poster above me! yay vancouver!
Yes. Oh god yes.
I would definitely pay to see her reaction if you did though :^:
I'm curious, would have been any different if he had done it in person instead? Basically, was it the fact that it was in letter form that made the aftermath that awkward or just everything s/he had to say in general?
Letters get you in trouble I think in that they allow you too much time to think and then a person ends up saying waaaaaay too much.
Yes, because in person I could have cut him off and let him know I didn't feel the same before he got to the professing his love part. I also think he put way too much thought into the letter so it read really bizarrely.
Letters, by their nature, are heavy. They are a material manifestation of your feelings on paper and squiggly lines made of ink. You may already be friends with her, but it's better to test the waters than dive right in without some reassurance that she may return your feelings.
When I did it (it feels like a long time ago), I wrote my letter to a girl I had classes with. There were signs she liked me back, like talking at parties and wanting to get dinner with me, etc. What I wrote wasn't anything terribly intimate, things like "getting to be around you the last few months has made me look forward to waking up at 8am every day," etc. While she acknowledged it was nice and very sweet, it was jumping ahead of things, and essentially asking her for things she wasn't sure she could give. It turned out about as well as it could have, now that I think about it.
With that past failure dredged up, I would say pump the brakes a bit - I would definitely say ask her out. If things go well on there and you're sure she likes you back, then maybe lay some of those feelings on her.
In my experience, starting relationships with someone you're not sure likes you the same way is like melting chocolate - if you try and go too hot too fast, it'll get clumpy and burned up. What you want to do is go at it with a really low heat, stirring gently from time to time. Smoother is better in chocolate and in relationships.
I'm assuming you're familiar with the H&A Girl Thread format since you were good-humored about your OP. If so, you'll recognize this as the point where someone points out that your larger problem is that you aren't confident enough to express how you feel. The letter thing, whether to send it, what to write in it, etc., all of that is actually pretty low on your list of things you need help with. Because let's assume just for a minute that the letter thing does work out -- okay, great, but that doesn't relieve you of your obligations to talk openly and honestly about your feelings in the future. Or are you planning on doing everything with the written word? Will you only express happiness over g-chat? Conduct all of your fights and arguments through certified mail? Deliver your wedding ring via fedex?
And let's be honest, brother: the letter thing's a very low percentage shot, particularly in your situation. Especially when the author is the sort of person who isn't comfortable talking about his feelings, writing a letter can frequently do more harm than good when there's such a wild disconnect between what an individual writes in a letter and how he behaves or what he says in person, even when you're writing to someone you've been dating for years. It makes the recipient wonder why your writing sounds so different from the way you act in person and whether it's the letter or the behavior that's real and true.
Just ask the girl out on a date, is my advice. You're going to have the urge to soft-sell it or make a joke out of it because it's something you're not naturally comfortable doing yet--fight that urge. Be explicit about what you're asking without overdoing it -- "Hey Jen, I was wondering if you'd be interested in going on a date with me Thursday?" You're going to balk at that, but honestly it's more considerate to let her know what you're asking than to have her show up at a movie theater expecting to meet you and a bunch of your mutual friends only to discover that she's on a stealth date.
Be prepared to hear the word "no," and if that's her answer, be pleasant. Say thank you, tell her you're glad you asked but understand, and walk away with your head held high. Because really, man, it's okay if she says no. You'll at least have had the moral victory of stepping outside your comfort zone and doing something emotionally courageous. And you can take that experience and use it the next time you ask a girl out.