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I think this counts as a [Girl Thread] [LOCK ME]
Trus
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I've gone back and forth on posting this, but I don't know how to proceed and I think some outside eyes will help me figure out what to do.
Roughly a month ago I met this girl, lets call her Robynn, every so often we would run into each other around campus and we would talk for a bit, or we would end up talking on MSN or Facebook. About 3 weeks ago we make plans to get together for coffee, I have to cancel, we reschedule for a week later, and she has to cancel. After all that we start talking even more than we use to. Pretty much every day we would talk on MSN for like 2 hours (this was during exam time so we never ran into one another in person). During these talks I get a pretty good idea that she was interested in being more than friends (this was fine by me, this is what I wanted, I just wasn't sure if she was as well.) Anyway, while we were chatting it came up that she was watching clips of The Exorcist on Youtube and then we both mentioned that we were both giant babies when it came to scary movies. I make some comment about one of us needing to “man up” and watch all of The Exorcist, she says something along the lines of “Or we could both do it!” I take it upon myself to track down a copy on DVD, which I do, and ask her if she wanted to watch it with me.
Her reply was basically “OMG yes!” After this we kind of stop talking for about a week, but last Monday I get a message on Facebook saying “When are you free this week? I REALLY want to watch The Exorcist with you, and I'm sure you do too :P” After that we agree to meet at my place on Friday after she gets off work at 6. So, I spend the day cleaning my place and getting it presentable, 6 rolls around and she isn't there. 7 rolls around and she isn't there, 8-9-10 nothing.
Over the weekend I learn she headed back to Calgary (we are both in Lethbridge for University) for the weekend to spend time with old friends. This leads me to believe that maybe she just forgot she had plans with me, but I don't know. This is where you guys come in, I'm at a bit of a loss here; right now I'm just waiting to see if she contacts me but I'm not sure if that is the best plan.
Tl;DR Girl stood me up on first “date” but her previous actions suggest she has more than just a passing interest. What should I do?
Roughly a month ago I met this girl, lets call her Robynn, every so often we would run into each other around campus and we would talk for a bit, or we would end up talking on MSN or Facebook. About 3 weeks ago we make plans to get together for coffee, I have to cancel, we reschedule for a week later, and she has to cancel. After all that we start talking even more than we use to. Pretty much every day we would talk on MSN for like 2 hours (this was during exam time so we never ran into one another in person). During these talks I get a pretty good idea that she was interested in being more than friends (this was fine by me, this is what I wanted, I just wasn't sure if she was as well.) Anyway, while we were chatting it came up that she was watching clips of The Exorcist on Youtube and then we both mentioned that we were both giant babies when it came to scary movies. I make some comment about one of us needing to “man up” and watch all of The Exorcist, she says something along the lines of “Or we could both do it!” I take it upon myself to track down a copy on DVD, which I do, and ask her if she wanted to watch it with me.
Her reply was basically “OMG yes!” After this we kind of stop talking for about a week, but last Monday I get a message on Facebook saying “When are you free this week? I REALLY want to watch The Exorcist with you, and I'm sure you do too :P” After that we agree to meet at my place on Friday after she gets off work at 6. So, I spend the day cleaning my place and getting it presentable, 6 rolls around and she isn't there. 7 rolls around and she isn't there, 8-9-10 nothing.
Over the weekend I learn she headed back to Calgary (we are both in Lethbridge for University) for the weekend to spend time with old friends. This leads me to believe that maybe she just forgot she had plans with me, but I don't know. This is where you guys come in, I'm at a bit of a loss here; right now I'm just waiting to see if she contacts me but I'm not sure if that is the best plan.
Tl;DR Girl stood me up on first “date” but her previous actions suggest she has more than just a passing interest. What should I do?
Trus on
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Maybe she forgot, and maybe something came up. I wonder why she didn't tell you anything, though.
That's what you'll know when you ask her.
I agree with Djiem and give her a call- don't be mean about it but try to get another date set up if she is interested.
As such I cannot tell you what she is thinking.
I would imagine that the best person to ask would be her.
Satans..... hints.....
I mean, you're not dating the girl. Sure, she "stood you up," but really this was two people on campus meeting up to watch movies. That's not necessarily a "date" even if you think she's into you. But even if it was, you have to ask yourself what's more important: Knowing why she "stood you up," or trying to see her again.
Honestly, I wouldn't even acknowledge the previous date. Either she forgot, or she didn't think as much of it as you think she did, or she fucked up and you'll give her an opportunity to explain and/or apologize when you call asking her if she wants to meet up with you in the future. Just roll with it.
Can I ask, why did you get the idea that she was interested in being more than friends? Anything in particular she did or said? You're kinda skimming on the details. Coffee and MSN don't really say "I'm into you".
Why not man up and ask her out? Say "Hey, wanna go out some time?" If you dance around too much some other dude is gonna come in and take her while you're in the friend zone.
It wasn't anything in particular, she just seemed really flirty when we talked (which I understand doesn't necessarily mean anything), and talking about it being a "sign" whenever heart or romance or love, etc was brought up (not in connection with us obviously, just in things we were doing)
Step 2: Don't ask her to explain what happened.
Step 3: See what happens. If it feels right, ask her if she still wants to see the movies.
But seriously, re-scheduel all you want, so long as you dance around it you'll get the same reaction.
Honestly, dude, the time at which to ask what was wrong was when 8 pm rolled around and she still hadn't shown up. You should've called her THEN and asked where she was, was she lost, etc.
But coulda shoulda woulda, that's irrelevant. Just ask if she's still up for seeing The Exorcist and ask her how Calgary was, if she agrees to reschedule and she shows up, when you have a good vibe going just go ahead and ask her what happened that first time you scheduled a joint viewing.
This is if you're still into her. I for one don't look kindly on people who forget plans without apologizing immediately; it either means she is absent-minded and disorganized, or she wasn't looking forward to seeing you enough to remember that she had double-booked the weekend. Some dudes in here may be more forgiving, but that's just me.
I honestly don't know why so many people are up for bending over backwards and reminding you not to ask what happened. She made plans with you! She forgot! She didn't explain or apologize! That's RUDE. Even if she's not a girlfriend or anything like that, she's still obviously a friend who agreed to make plans with you and not only forgot about them, but bailed and then didn't apologize. That's shitty regardless of your connection with her.
If so many days have passed and she still hasn't called to apologize, it means she either knows she forgot and doesn't want to own up to it (which I personally dislike but that's on you), or she still hasn't remembered that she blew you off. Neither of these is a good way to treat people, be it acquaintances, friends, first dates, etc.
The only acceptable thing she can say to you is that she got the dates mixed up. Anything else, she should've called you up and owned up to it right away.
Or she's STILL forgotten, in which case she'd better own up and apologize right away. Let's face it, it sucks to be forgotten.
Call her up, ask her if she's still interested, and if she is, find a way to make sure she doesn't stand you up again.
Honestly why she gets to get away with shitty behavior is beyond me. How forgetful do you have to be to forget plans so completely that even days later you haven't called to apologize?
Well there's nothing wrong with it.
But in my experience, there's no generically tactful way to ask "where were you?" without potentially getting someone's hackles up.
I'm just speaking from experience. Do people have a right to get offended when asked why they didn't keep the plans they made? No, not really. But it happens anyway.
It's not about letting her "get away" with anything, it's about being pragmatic. Sometimes shit happens and asking someone why they didn't keep your plans especially when you've never even been on anything resembling a date with the person in the first place is not always the smartest move, even if you genuinely have a right to know.
It's another thing to push for an answer which is something I advise against...
And, in all honesty, if she remakes plans and you two find something cool with each other, why would it matter that she missed your first semi-date? In the grade scheme of things, one mess up like this isn't important.
If it becomes a common thing though... then you might want to press her a little more about it.
It's a bad idea to press people who are flakey like that. All that will do is force them to come up with a lie they think will be amenable to you.
Like I said, just play it cool and let her think that she missed out by bailing on you. You're more likely to get the truth that way if you don't appear worried about it.
However if the flakiness continues, that's just something you have to ask yourself if you're willing to live with. That personality trait won't change.
I didn't mean to say he should grill her with questions or anything like that.
There IS a tactful way to ask. You just say, after you guys have rescheduled or some such, "so what happened that day anyway? is everything okay?" It shows that it's not a big deal to you. Let her explain.
If she answers you, great. If she doesn't but is still sorry, you leave it alone and give her another shot.
I'm not saying push it, but I also don't excuse people being "naturally" flakey.
If you know you have tendency to be flakey, take measures NOT to be. Make notes for yourself. Keep a calendar. Hell, have the person or people you've made plans with call you about an hour before to confirm things. This is what I do to make sure people don't flake on me, because people not showing up wastes my time. I hate it when people waste my time or my energy, all because they are "naturally flakey."
Sorry Simpsonia, I don't like it when people get excused for being rude just because "they're like that."
To be fair, yes, he has had limited face-to-face contact with this girl, but they've talked enough that they ARE at least some form of friends, and they agreed to do something at HIS place. Who cares if they've had a first date or not? In this case, there is a modicum of respect that is owed to him.
Sure, it's alright for him to be offended, or at least annoyed. God knows I would be offended. In fact, I'd probably call her up and ask her why she did that. I'm advising him against what my own behavior would likely be because I've done it before and while I think I was "right" those times, I don't necessarily think I was "smart." Sometimes you can't be both, right and smart, simultaneously.
I'm not defending her behavior.
But the point is: Choose your battles and don't make mountains out of mole hills. Unless your need to know why is stronger than your desire to have a relationship. Sometimes you just need to let things slide.
Everything else is pretty much a response to the idea that being "naturally flakey" is excusable behavior. I'm not going to say it's a pet peeve of mine, but how hard is it to take steps to prevent something from happening if you know it happens a lot? It just annoys me.
So yeah, he should just let it go after asking that question (as long as she apologizes), but you know... this isn't okay all the time.
I don't like that a lot of people are saying not to bring it up. I think the OP deserves an answer. Obviously no one is advising her to waterboard her(how topical!) until she tells him why she didn't show up, but she does owe him an apology, no matter how insignificant she viewed the meeting to be.
I don't think there's anything wrong with asking "what happened last Saturday?" or whatever, but the way you're making it sound is that he absolutely should or mustask to reclaim some of his pride or something. Maybe I'm reading too much into your posts, Viv, but that's how you're coming off.
First off, the onus is on HER to explain, not on HIM to elicit the information from her.
Second, it's up to him whether or not his pride was injured. I think you're trying to push your own value system on him here. Sometimes people just fuck up. Sometimes people forget. Sometimes people have a completely different concept of what an invitation means than the invitee. Maybe the girl thought he was saying "so if you want to come by, come by."
You seem to be suggesting that one should always ask what happened when one is stood up and I'm saying that that is not necessarily the wisest action. I guess we're going to have to disagree on that point, but I think you're coming off way stronger than this situation warrants.
I do think he deserves an answer, I just do not think it is his job to ask for it nor do I think it is smart to ask for one at this point.
And I'm standing by what I said: You don't always get what you want or deserve, especially when you're in the right, so you have to decide what's more important to you: the answer, or to drop it and try again. It sounds like the OP wants a relationship to work out here, so I'm not sure this is the best course of action.
But maybe it is. I don't know. It depends on the context of their relationship and the conversation they have. But saying "you should definitely ask" as a universal rule? Fuck no. Just as "definitely don't ask" is also bad advice. He should call and feel the situation out. This business about going into a conversation expecting something? Well that's not a conversation, even if the question is as mild as possible. That's an interrogation.
Don't be a chump. No more chatting with her, no phone calls, no chatting in class, just move on.
yeah this would've been me, too, were I in the OP's shoes
I wouldn't cut her off completely, I may still be her friend if she's apologetic, but I probably wouldn't pursue a relationship with her
I'd say atleast give her a second shot if she wants to give you one.
It doesn't get any worse than to make plans with someone, and have them ditch me to go hang out with other people. She was fine to hang out with the OP until something better came along. To top it off, she didn't even call him.
That warrants a complete cut off, IMO.
My main issue is that she still hasn't called to apologize or own up to it, nor did she call and apologize the day OF the mix-up.
Standing someone up is just ice cold, I don't care how forgetful you are. She either a) doesn't like him/didn't realize it was a date so didn't really care about standing him up or b) does like him and is stupid or crazy. You don't forget about a date with someone you are attracted to without a zombie holocaust or alien invasion to distract you.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that 99.99999999% of relationships that start with someone standing someone up are doomed to fail.
Seriously, she shouldn't get another chance after pulling that sort of shit.
https://medium.com/@alascii
my first post in this thread basically said most of what you just said
I don't like the idea of people standing other people up, it's rude, it's a waste of time and energy, and it is often inexcusable short of the intrusion of an emergency
still, people are human, and if the OP is willing to give her another chance (him, not YOU guys), it is up to him to make that call, he's just asking how to approach the issue if he DOES give her another chance
Maybe some one she was close to got injured and she went to see him/her at the hospital. That would be forgiveable enough. I'm not saying that's what happened, but there could be a valid reason why she forgot that doesn't warrant this kinda hate you guys are giving out.
I've read this like four times and I still have no idea what you are trying to say.
If you think I go easy on women because I am also a woman then fuck you very much. I'll call a spade a spade no matter what's in their pants.
I'm just frustrated by the advice that he should let her walk all over him because it is the 'smart' thing to do. Men should think more like women (are supposed to think) and say
"you know what, if that guy doesn't like me enough to come to the date and not even explain himself then fuck him. I'm better than that. I'm going to eat a square kilometre of ice cream and watch the best bits of Dawson's Creek on Youtube."
or something like that. Basically OP should have more self respect. Like a woman. Because we all know every woman is a tower of self-respect.
https://medium.com/@alascii
wow
just... wow
And secondly I think eating food in excess hardly epitomises a woman's self respect and is probably the exact opposite of that.
Satans..... hints.....
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that isn't what we're suggesting at all....
good luck, Trus, let us know how it goes!
doing the male stereotypical thing of pursuing when signs point otherwise becomes pathetic very quickly
https://medium.com/@alascii