Of men, babies and depression.

Artoria

I’m not even sure is H&A is the best place to post this up or if I am going to ruin my rep around here by posting this lengthy and very personally problem but seeing as I have literally no where else to turn I am going to make this post here. Note this thread is very difficult for me to write. Sorry if this post is too long.

Note: if any mod feels this subject is not appropriate for here at all please delete the whole darn thread.

Anyways I have been married for over 6 years and I am very much in love with my wife. We have tried to have a child now for almost a year and a half now. She had a miscarriage after 3 months which was pretty devastating to the two of us. We have been trying ever since then with no luck. This has put a real strain on our marriage because if it. Not so much on my end but her’s since nothing is happening.

I’ve tried and have been keeping a good outlook on this. That is until today. When I was 21 I was seeing a girl who I was madly in love with. I wanted to be with her more than anything in the world. We were great together and held my common interests and overall where a very happy couple. We had been dating about 1 year when she went to visit her sister overseas. When she got back I had planned a surprise for her. I was going to ask her to marry me. The whole time she was gone I didn’t get but maybe 2 letters from her for the 3 months she was there. Those letters seamed different than the ones she normally sent. When she came back I went to see her I had a nice romantic dinner planned that I cooked for her (I’m a great cook) and I surprised her with it (and the ring I had hiding in my pocket). Things were fine during dinner. I was waiting until we had finished eating to spring the question when she said “we have to talk”.

Those are the 4 words every guy hates to hear. She said she was getting a lot of flack form her parents about me (racial issues to be precise) and that she decided that she was going off to college in overseas that her dad was paying for her education (no doubt to get her and me to split up). Well as all breakups I was heartbroken but it only got worse.

A couple of weeks had gone by and we talked but she seamed more distant than when we broke up. I finally coaxed it out of her and it turned out that she was pregnant. She had already told her mom and they had yet to break it to her dad. Needless to say as a man who had just turned 22 at that time I was shocked but I also knew what I had to do. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I told her. “I will take care of you and the baby.” I was working in Radio at the time and making a pretty good wage at it. She told me that she didn’t want that and that she was going to have and abortion. I tried to talk to her about it but her parents convinced her this was the thing she had to do.

Fast forward to today. I learned from a friend that my ex is pregnant with her husband and she is about 8 weeks along. Now don’t get the wrong idea here. I am happy for the two of them and I wish them nothing but the best. I hope their baby is happy and health and grows up to have a great life. However this news has also triggered a depression in me. I’ve been kind of stressed and worried about if I’m ever going to be a father at all. I wonder if that one time almost 10 years ago was my only chance at being a father and I lost it. As it is I just got over a bad prostate infection 3 weeks ago and I am going to have to watch out for that form now on (I’m only 31). Me and my wife have been trying and trying and nothing happens. Let’s face it I’m not getting any younger here and the older me and her get the less of a chance we have. What if I never have a kid what if I never become a father at all?

I guess at this point I am just looking for any advice that anyone can give. Maybe I’m just venting here to I dunno.

bone daddy

Have you and your wife spoken to a specialist about the difficulties you're having?

Mariam

First of all, it's natural that you feel that way. Regret is a powerful emotion that drags you down really quickly.

My advice to you would be: Don't stop, don't put what you want your life to be on hold. Do anything you can to have a child.

I assume you both have seen fertility doctors and the like? Have you discussed adoption as an alternative?

Sometimes it can take a while to get pregnant - when it happens, you'll both be happy and ready.

Artoria

Between the two of us we have seen about 4 different doctors. She went to the OBGYN and she checked out fine. then she went to another doctor in China and she checked out fine. I saw a doctor there and that is when I learned of my infection. I took some medicine for a while and then got checked by a Doctor her when I got back and I checked out fine. My sperm counts are good and they are very active.

We have not been to a fertility doctor yet and she is scared to go to one because of all the stories of people who "get the fertility drugs and then have 5 babies at once". Although it looks like a good option to take.

Adoption is not an option we have discussed in detail yet either. It might become a real alternative if things don't progress soon.

bone daddy

It sounds like it's mostly stress, then. A lot of couples like you guys give up, resign themselves to another option, and wind up pregnant two months later.

You two should at least speak to a fertility specialist. You can reassure your wife by telling her that consulting one doesn't obligate either of you to actually follow their advice, let alone start a course of medication. Selective abortion is generally recommended in cases where women wind up pregnant with 3+ embryos--having that many decreases everybody's chances of survival--but that's really neither here nor there, since a good doctor will be able to answer any questions you have about available options without pressuring you into something you're not comfortable with.

Raggaholic

Maybe your prostate infection was seriously slowing things down. Since you just got over that three weeks ago, maybe you should just give it more time and keep trying.

And this is really easy for me to say, but don't make it such a big deal. That might be hurting things as well.

Good luck.

Artoria

I'm going to talk to her tonight about the fertility clinic option. I know it is not an option she is thrilled about but it may be the best way.

I really wasn't this stress/upset/ depressed about this until I learned for my Ex's pregnancy. I think that is playing with my mind and emotions right now too.

Thanatos

bone daddy wrote:

It sounds like it's mostly stress, then. A lot of couples like you guys give up, resign themselves to another option, and wind up pregnant two months later.

You two should at least speak to a fertility specialist. You can reassure your wife by telling her that consulting one doesn't obligate either of you to actually follow their advice, let alone start a course of medication. Selective abortion is generally recommended in cases where women wind up pregnant with 3+ embryos--having that many decreases everybody's chances of survival--but that's really neither here nor there, since a good doctor will be able to answer any questions you have about available options without pressuring you into something you're not comfortable with.

As usually, bd speaks the truth. I'm just gonna say to take his advice.

_X_

My aunt and uncle had problems such as these. There was a miscarriage after 4 months I do believe after taking nearly 8 months to concieve. Finally they had their first child, a daughter a year and a bit ago. Now they have a second on the way. I do believe they just went to the doctor and talked it over and after a while it finally worked out. Just stick to your guns.

Zonkytonkman

Man, i'm gonna have to try and sell you on adoption. I can only imagine how strong the need must be to have your own flesh and blood, but there are so many parentless children in north america, let alone the world that are never going to be adopted, and are going to have extremely difficult times growing up.

I watched a canadian documentary made by three kids that grew up in group homes that just about killed me last week. About how hugs aren't appropriate in these homes, and the lack of love and connection with anyone just about drove them mad. Damnit, i can't find it.

Anyway, I'm really sorry for your difficulties, but if you're willing to adopt a child and aren't picky on the whole white skin thing, you'll likely find a plethora of children that would really love a caring home.

Sliver

Zonkytonkman wrote:

I watched a canadian documentary made by three kids that grew up in group homes that just about killed me last week. About how hugs aren't appropriate in these homes, and the lack of love and connection with anyone just about drove them mad. Damnit, i can't find it.

Well maybe you should start an H/A thread about finding it because I'd be interested in seeing it, based on what you've said.

Zonkytonkman

Sliver wrote:

Zonkytonkman wrote:

I watched a canadian documentary made by three kids that grew up in group homes that just about killed me last week. About how hugs aren't appropriate in these homes, and the lack of love and connection with anyone just about drove them mad. Damnit, i can't find it.

Well maybe you should start an H/A thread about finding it because I'd be interested in seeing it, based on what you've said.

got it!

http://www.cbc.ca/thelens/program_070306.html

http://www.youthincare.ca/filmmaker/index.html

Big Dookie

When my wife and I were trying to have a baby, we had some problems as well. We tried for over two years, with no luck. By all signs, we shouldn't have had any problems having a baby (and even got checked out by doctors to be sure), but she still couldn't get pregnant. Eventually we gave up trying so hard and putting so much pressure into it. What do you know, a month later, she was pregnant.

The point is, you might have trouble for a long time for no apparent reason, but don't give up. The human body is strange, and there's no telling what factors could be contributing to the problem, but continue trying for as long as you can.

That said, I would certainly consider adoption as well. My wife and I had talked about it when we were starting to get desperate, and we'd practically decided on doing it, but right after that is when she got pregnant. We STILL might do that for the next child, simply because it really is important for people to adopt if they can. Trust me, you might not think it, but you will be just as close and have just as much love for an adopted baby as you would for your own offspring. Definitely keep it as an option, and strongly consider it.

aesir

just try and live in the present.

Tarantio

Just a little story about adoption.

One of my 8 aunts on my mother's side, Rena, got married fairly late in life, to a great guy from Ireland. The decided to adopt, and chose a girl who had been through a couple of other homes, and really had a rough time of it. She was about 9 at the time, I think.

Now, my family is big and Italian. Lots of cousins of all ages, and we all see each other several times a year and get along great. This little girl had been through a lot, and kinda didn't know how to act in social situations. I imagine the big family parties at which I first met her were pretty terrifying for her. We were nice to her, but it didn't really feel like she was part of the family sometimes, as she was just so awkward or annoying. It sounds horrible, but I and the other cousins my age were still in our early teens, and this girl really had a lot of issues to deal with.
I remember some conversations among the family about how my Aunt Rena should have adopted someone younger, how it would have been easier.

It's been quite a few years since then, and I am very glad to say that Kiera (she decided to change her name) is very much a part of the family now. At my grandfather's funeral this summer, she sang with my brothers and I, and I was just amazed at how much of a full person she seemed. The talented and friendly person she is now is so different from how she was before she had a family take care of her, it just amazes me.

What I mean by all of this, really, is that you can't even imagine the kind of positive experience you can have in a person's life by doing a thing like adoption. It's a lot of work, and will sometimes be more difficult than raising a child of your own would be. In the end though, it's success stories like this one that make the world a little nicer to live on.

CangoFett

Go see a fertility doctor. My sister and her husband were trying for several years with no luck at all. They went to a few doctors, and they were able to get help. There are methods of being helped with pregnancy that dont involved fertility pills and 8 babys. My neice just turns 5 in june.

Fibretip

I don't know if you guys have tried this, to be honest i didn't have time to read the whole post, i just skimmed, but a lot of women THINK they know when they're fertile and when they aren't, when they ovulate etc, but are actually wrong.. Has she ever charted her fertility before? My wife and I started trying a while back and were shit out of luck, then she started charting and we found out she was actually way out on her estimate of when she ovulated. You can get ovulation prediction kits which are like pregnancy tests...she pees on them and they tell her if she's ovulated or not, and every morning she takes her temperature and you enter it into an online gizmo and it will tell you when you ovulate from your temperatures. It also has spaces to record all sorts of other women stuff lol.. it's mostly over my head but hey, it worked wonders for us.

the place we used is http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ my wife swears by it. It has an email course (one email a day for a week i think) to teach you how to do it... so it's pretty simple. the prediction kits aren't necessary but some people find them helpful.

It helps you to know these things cuz then you know when to have sex and when not to... if you save it up till the right days then you'll stand more of a chance of getting her pg.

Oh and the old staples... best way to get her pg is standard missionary, you on top, you come first, then she does (this is important...it helps suck up the sperm), and then get her to sit with her butt in the air... it sounds daft but it helps.

sorry if any of this was patronizing at all... i'm 21 so it's all pretty new to me haha just thought i'd share what we've found out.

Also if she's scared of visiting the fertility doctor, it might be good to ease her into the idea, getting in touch with her body and all.

/edit.... the fertility site is totally free and nothing to do with me, i'm not trying to enlist you or anything

Ohio

My story is a lot like some of the others here but I'll tell it anyway just to reinforce that you're not alone.

At one point, my wife and I tried to have a baby for 7 months. I know that isn't long compared to your story. But nothing happened. My wife was depressed, but at the same time I think we both knew deep down it wasn't the right time for us to have a baby. We'd bought a new house, both had relatively new jobs, and just had too much going on in general. We decided, then, to have her go back on the pill and just forget it for a while.

Two years later, we're much more stable. We decide to try again. She was pregnant in one month, and now we've got a one-year-old daughter.

My mom sent my wife a card at some point saying how happy she was to be made a grandmother and so on, but she also wrote about how she and my father were so worried they'd never be parents, but finally after they'd been married for seven years, my mom was finally pregnant. I'm the oldest of four. These are details that my parents had never told me, so it was a surprise. Point being, my parents were very worried they'd never have kids and they ended up with four.

Fellhand

As for conceiving, you and your wife need to talk to a fertility specialist. It's depressing, but my aunt had two or three miscarriages before she had her first child. She has two kids now and they're dears.

As for depression, talk to your doctor and see if you can get put on a light antidepressant.

Halfmex

First, let me just say that my heart goes out to you, dragonsama. My wife and I have suffered two miscarriages now since we've begun trying to have children, one of which even had a heartbeat before we miscarried, so I know how terrible the pain can be.

My wife's OB/Gyn has put her on two forms of medication for those two pregnancies to even take place, metformin and clomed (spelling may be off) as she apparently has a condition called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which affects her cycle and hormone level. That being the case, I have to echo others' advice to see a fertility specialist. They'll have a better idea of what the best recourse would be for the both of you, and truth be told, it could be something as simple (again, as others have said) as stress. Pregnancy seems to happen when you least expect it, at least that's been the case for everyone I've ever spoken to. All of my friends and family have just told me to 'have patience; it will happen when the time is right', so that's what we've been doing.

Also, have you considered adoption? My wife and I have discussed it as a 'last resort' type of option as we both desperately want a child. Though it won't be your own flesh and blood, it will be a child, just as any other, that needs and will benefit from a loving home and family.

Finally, as difficult as it is for the both of you, I would advise you to try and put other people's childbearing situations out of your mind. It's not easy, I know, and my wife is still dealing with the pain of our two miscarriages, but the more you focus on other people's situations, the more despondent you will grow over your own and that's not beneficial for anyone. Keep the lines of communication open between you and your wife and assure her that you're both going through this together.

I wish you both the best.

Artoria

Thanks for all the encouragement and support.

We talked last night and we decided to keep trying the way we are now for another 6 months. By then it will be a full 2 years since we first started trying. If we have not conceived by then we will be going to a fertility doctor. She is still a bit scared of that idea but they may have some options that don’t involve having multiple babies at once. (as many here have said).

She has been charting her ovulation for the past 4 months so we have a pretty good idea of when the time is right. Thanks for the site Fibretip I just sent it to her.

Also I wasn’t completely aware that stress could be affecting this as well. She has had a lot of projects at her work and I have been very busy at work as well.

Adoption is an option we have talked about a few times and we are holding it as a “last resort” option as well if for some reason we are just unable to have one of our own.

As far as my depression issue I’m trying to deal with that on my own right now. I’m sure it will pass as all things do in time.

Thanks again guys and when it eventually does happen I’ll post up baby pics.

LondonBridge

Well... look at the bright side.

The best thing about babies is making them!

So dont give up!

bone daddy

dragonsama wrote:

She is still a bit scared of that idea but they may have some options that don’t involve having multiple babies at once. (as many here have said).

The goal of 99% of fertility procedures is a single successful implantation. The multiple implantations/births are generally just an unfortunate byproduct. If you two decide to actually go through with anything they can offer, they're going to do what they can avoid multiples, since anything more than twins punts you into fairly risky territory, particularly when you're dealing with a mother who may or may not have compounding problems. Fertility clinics and your wife are on the same page, here. Multiples are more than most people can handle without severe strain.

All that having been said, good luck in the next six months. If you can dodge having to consult fertility specialists, you'll have more to spend on the baby.

Fellhand

Isn't yoga also supposed to be good for fertility and stress? You could both take that up as a hobby as well and kill two birds with one stone.

Thanatos

Fellhand wrote:

Isn't yoga also supposed to be good for fertility and stress? You could both take that up as a hobby as well and kill two birds with one stone.

Really, anything that reduces stress is going to be good for fertility. Yoga, Tai Chi, hell, cooking a nice meal for her and having it ready when she gets home, then cleaning up afterwards so she doesn't have to do anything would probably be good for her stress.

EggyToast

One potential problem is that you're *both* stressed out over this. Don't assume that it's just you, or her. When you're stressed, your body isn't going to be receptive to major changes like pregnancy, and who knows how everything can change under those circumstances.

Continue to try, but perhaps talk to her about not obsessing over it so much. Are there good days of the month and bad days? Sure. But that also adds to the stress of it, and none of it is exact science.

I'm not going to ask you to go into your bedroom details, but rather than sticking to a schedule based on months, switch to a schedule based on intervals. I read a study a while back that showed that if a male ejaculates more than once every 3 days, his "potency" is significantly reduced. Less sperm, etc. Not true for all males, obviously, as personal hormonal things change, but perhaps try an interval period of once every 2 or 3 days. And rather than just "making a baby," try switching up your sexual habits to allow for something kinkier. Different locations around the house/apt, perhaps invest in a toy or two, or whatever. Make it about the two of you, so that you focus on each other, rather than the hopeful outcome.

It's not easy, as you're obviously both worked up over it. But if you're stressed, she's going to be stressed, and vice versa, and it's just going to make the whole process depressing. Work on making it exciting and fun. You obviously know the parts all work, as even though a miscarriage is unfortunate it means "yes, the parts work, but there was just something wrong with this fetus."

Stop blaming yourselves and try to be more excited about your futures. Don't dwell so much on your past and "what ifs." You can't change that, and you probably wouldn't've wanted to anyway.