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Afraid of growing up, and getting rid of sentimental items.
Jack of all Trades
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm having a really tough week. For a while now, I've felt horrifyingly numb about my parents current separation. My boyfriend left for military training 2 weeks ago, and is coming back this friday. But we got into an argument (petty and stupid) but he is mad at me now. On top of my parents separating, my aunt and uncle have as well. They are like second parents to me (and actually my god parents), and I have been numb about that as well. then I realized that the close family I once had (lots of aunts and uncles, grandpas and grandmas, a billion cousins) dwindled down to nothing. They all used to come over my house and play their guitars on my porch and sing until late at night. They used to drink beer, and tell ridiculous stories. They used to laugh. But it's not like that anymore. I rarely see anyone, and now I'm learning things about relatives I had great respect for... awful, sad, and horrifying things. And now the big close family that I once had has now dwindled down to my dad and I, and occasionally my uncle and cousin. My grandma got a new boyfriend (well.. now it's a fiance..), and she never calls me, and doesn't want to talk long when I call her.
About an hour ago, the numbness went away, and I feel a horrifying amount of sadness right now. I'm usually a very optimistic person all the time, and now I feel everything that was numb to me before and I can't stop crying. I miss my cousin, my aunt, my uncle and my mom. And I hate seeing my dad alone. It absolutely kills me.
And then I realized as I was sitting on my bed, that my room is an utter disaster. Shit is just flung everywhere, and there is no order, because I don't think I even cared. But now I care, and I notice that things that have sentimental value to me are taking up a lot of room that I need to use (for school and such...and just to keep this place clean). The thing is... while I'd like to store and pack away, and throw out some of this stuff...I don't want to at the same time. It comforts me, but I need the space. How do I get rid of all this stuff with out feeling like absolute shit afterwards? It's things like a music box my grandma gave me before she passed away, or stuffed animals that I absolutely loved when I was little, books, and toys that my parents bought for me that i've loved so much. It's all taking up so much space in an incredibly small room... but I just don't know how to deal with letting go of my childhood, and putting that stuff away just yet. I feel like I'm growing up too fast and things are changing too fast and it's freaking me out.
By the way, I'm 19, if that makes a difference at all.
TL;DR- Everything is changing around me, and I'm afraid to grow up, change my self, and get rid of all my childhood things in my room that take up space in my small bedroom to make room for school projects and other items.
I would really appreciate your help, because I know you all are wonderful people with minds in better shape than mine at the moment. Sorry if this entire thing is rambling on incoherently. I'm tired and not in my right mind..
About an hour ago, the numbness went away, and I feel a horrifying amount of sadness right now. I'm usually a very optimistic person all the time, and now I feel everything that was numb to me before and I can't stop crying. I miss my cousin, my aunt, my uncle and my mom. And I hate seeing my dad alone. It absolutely kills me.
And then I realized as I was sitting on my bed, that my room is an utter disaster. Shit is just flung everywhere, and there is no order, because I don't think I even cared. But now I care, and I notice that things that have sentimental value to me are taking up a lot of room that I need to use (for school and such...and just to keep this place clean). The thing is... while I'd like to store and pack away, and throw out some of this stuff...I don't want to at the same time. It comforts me, but I need the space. How do I get rid of all this stuff with out feeling like absolute shit afterwards? It's things like a music box my grandma gave me before she passed away, or stuffed animals that I absolutely loved when I was little, books, and toys that my parents bought for me that i've loved so much. It's all taking up so much space in an incredibly small room... but I just don't know how to deal with letting go of my childhood, and putting that stuff away just yet. I feel like I'm growing up too fast and things are changing too fast and it's freaking me out.
By the way, I'm 19, if that makes a difference at all.
TL;DR- Everything is changing around me, and I'm afraid to grow up, change my self, and get rid of all my childhood things in my room that take up space in my small bedroom to make room for school projects and other items.
I would really appreciate your help, because I know you all are wonderful people with minds in better shape than mine at the moment. Sorry if this entire thing is rambling on incoherently. I'm tired and not in my right mind..
Jack of all Trades on
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That's impossible. You will feel like shit afterwards, it's inevitable.
The good news? This is very temporary, you'll forget about it, or at least will stop feeling bad about it eventually. It doesn't take much time usually either, depending how attached you were to it.
And yeah, part of growing up is losing the naive (not using this in an insulting sense) view of the adults in your family. Illusions are going to go, but you can end up having more mature adult realtionships with your family members once you get through the transition.
As someone who has spent a couple years with nothing more than a guitar, computer, and a suitcase of clothes (I was moving around a lot), I can say that getting rid of possessions from an old phase of your life can be pretty liberating.
Toys and books from when you were little? Not as important.
Just look at everything logically and it should become clear what deserves to stay and what is just your security blanket.
As starmanbrand said, if it's something really special to you, such as a family heirloom, then go ahead and keep it. Something that's just cool from when you were younger, like a copy of "Where the Wild Things Are" consider instead that you enjoyed that book, and by donating it to a local library or one of those organizations that gives books to poor children, you'll be enriching someones life, rather than having something else laying around collecting dust.
You just have to figure out what actually means something and what is just stuff
@gamefacts - Totally and utterly true gaming facts on the regular!
This, plus...
Both are excellent suggestions. No need to throw away something when someone else might enjoy it, and there's nothing wrong with keeping a few things that have sentimental value at all.
There are some things that are like this
and there are some stupid things not worth having
What you are placing value on is the memories that you have on it. If you no longer have it you still remember it your memories don't magically go away.
I mean do you really want to be tied down just by things that can't do anything.
Get one box, put all the things you really want and throw everything away. It's honestly liberating not being tied down to things. (Plus it makes moving that much that much easier).
Satans..... hints.....
You're displacing the cause of your sadness. What's making you sad isn't the thought of throwing stuff out or the fact that you're getting older-- it's all of the stuff in the first paragraph. Holding onto all of your sentimental kitsch is not going to make it any easier to watch your parents become separated/divorced. Getting rid of all of it will probably not make it any worse.
This is getting way psycho-babble, but I'm going to ask it anyway. Are you cleaning your room because you feel like your room is "an utter disaster" where "there is no order," or is it that you feel like your life is without order and in disarray? I ask because you laid a lot of heavy stuff out there in your first paragraph that ultimately has no relation to whether or not your room is messy. You seem to feel like you don't have control over your life, so you're exerting control over your living space. Is that a fair assessment?
It's fine if that's what you're doing, but you need to be aware that it's not actually going to affect the stuff that's bothering you. You're going to have to find a way to deal with this other stuff sooner or later.
So those stuffed animals you have from your parents, they're not really the things you love. You love the memories you had of your parents that you associate with the stuffed animals. Those memories are there regardless of whether the stuffed animals are around you or not. For me, I realized that using an item as a reminder kind of cheapened the experience -- why should I rely on a thing to remind me of something I liked? If I liked it so much, shouldn't that memory stand on its own?
Anyway, many people have a box or a drawer filled with small memorabilia. It's not exactly weird. Perhaps pare down the stuff you have or find a new way to organize it. It sounds like you may be taking some of the frustration you have in your life out on yourself, focusing it towards all your "stuff."
Growing up isnt about letting go of your childhood or getting rid of anything physical attached to it.
Growing up is just living life, adapting to changes and being happy with those changes, you have to roll with the punches, lick your wounds and keep going. Things like, divorce, breakups, death, moving etc are all apart of what makes you who you are, how you react to them and deal with it is what growing up is.
Keep what comforts you, while yes the memories will always be there it is a million times easier to recall those memories down the road if you have something physical to touch, smell and look at. So many times i'll root through a box and find something and get a flood of memories about the item.
My sentimental items helped me through hard times as well, even if the item was directly related to the hard time. Helped me remember good memories and look past and deal with the bad shit that was happening. helped me get over it and get better and not dwell on the situation.
You are young, you have lots of time and your childhood is a big part of who you are, whether it comes to the surface or not.
When you start making new friends and new memories with your family and watching your family let things go, reconnect, and forgive, its going to be hard to keep the new sentimental items if the old ones that really have no real memories are in your way.
Also agree'd, you can be sentimental and keep important things just dont be a pack rat.
Other things like old birthday cards, ticket stubs, and knick nacs, I just didn't miss or even remember. When I looked at them objectively, much of the sentimental stuff I had and didn't unpack couldn't ever be put to use. I realized, for instance that my stuffed animals were in such bad shape, so "loved," that no thrift store or charity would even take them, and I certainly wouldn't try to pass it on to someone I loved. Besides, every time I go down the stuffed animal aisle at a toy store I see one that looked exactly like my old fluffy cat or boo-bear.
If you can use it, or you're going to actively display it, keep it. If you're going to put it in a plastic bin in your basement, toss it or give it away. It's that easy.
It's great because my apartment is getting to the point where it is clutter free, I've outfitted some of my cousins with some perfectly good clothes that fit them, and given other stuff to purple heart/thrift stores. The best thing is that on the side I've made money off of amazon/ebay/whatever selling other things I had no use for anymore, and I've put it all in a savings account that isn't tied to my other finances in any way. It's quickly becoming a nice nest egg for either a down payment on a house, car or even for investments if I get to a point where I don't have any large impending purchases I'd like to tap it for.
This is more or less good advice. People can get trapped into thinking that " throwing out grandma's ugly gift that I have in a box in the basement" = "throwing out grandma"
Then I realized, "hey. just because I don't have it anymore, doesn't mean I didn't ever have it. I still have the memories of that time, and it being gone doesn't take those away". That was a very comforting thought, and I've been able to apply it to other areas of my life where appropriate.
You have the choice to keep things that are truly sentimental, that you may want to pass along some day. It's hard to realize that it's all just /stuff/, but it is.
Also, regarding your family: you still have the fun memories of your extended family - just because they're not around/the same as before, doesn't mean that it has to affect your memories of what you had with them.
You'll get attached to ANYTHING that connects to a memory. This is normal.
Ultimately, you need to throw things away. You can't wallow in junk all your life.
The best way to do it is to just do it. There's no real secret. You just throw the things away, regret it for a while, then forget about the stuff, while remembering the memories themselves.