Staying involved in ex's life

Talka

So I dated a girl for three years, and then she dumped me. That was about 9 months ago. I was crazy about her to the end, but she left me because we had to go through a long distance spell and she wanted to experiment with other guys. I was super depressed for months afterwards and still get heartbroken and and all emo whenever I think about her or catch up with her via email. Sometimes she drops hints that's she's sleeping around and it still hurts pretty bad. For that reason I've kept communication to the barest minimum the past 9 months.

Problem 1: When we were going out, I became pretty good friends with her sister and her brother. I rarely see the sister anymore, which makes me sad. I haven't seen the brother since, but his wedding is in a few months and he invited me. I want to go, but I'm worried it's going to hurt me to have to deal with my ex and that it might be awkward hanging out with her parents (who basically wanted me to marry her and were pissed at her for dumping me). And logistically, if I want to stay involved in my ex's siblings' lives it's going to be hard not getting involved in my ex's life as well.

Problem 2: There's still tension/drama with my ex. I never really stopped loving her, and the breakup was more out of inconvenience and a desire on her part to experiment whilst abroad than anything else. On top of that, the last time we met to catch up we ending up hooking up. So it still remains... complicated, you know? And it's painful for me. If I were totally over her, I would undoubtably want to stay involved in her life. We were super good friends before dating and I don't really want to lose that. But since I'm not over her and it still causes me pain I've mostly tried to keep my distance (save the one time I let my guard down and we hooked up). Basically it's the standard "I'd like to be friends but I'm still in love" sort of thing, with a dash of "why the fuck did we just hook up?" thrown in there to confuse me. Since I've kept communication to a minimum post-breakup I haven't been able to just lay everything on the table and figure out what's what, and I don't really think I want to have that talk.

So what's the normal advice for how to deal with ex-girlfriends who you're a) still into and b) deeply involved in their life (i.e., friends with their family members). Do I go to the brother's wedding? Should I just ignore her (and her family) for a looong time until I'm totally over her? Just be friends with her and suffer quietly? I'm not sure. The current situation has us getting into some pretty detailed email conversations every two months or so, which always leaves me emotionally exhausted even though it's mostly pretty banal catch-up stuff (and then there's also the one hookup). My most immediate question is whether or not to go to the ex's brother's wedding, but some more general advice on exs might be helpful.

histronic

You can't be friends or even try to stay involved in her life if you're still head over heels for her. It's only going to make it harder for you to move on. You should politely tell her brother that you will not be able to attend the wedding. I've gone through a lot of break ups and I can tell you that you will eventually move on, and the easiest way is to avoid contact and try to live your own life and not think about her so much. You'll eventually be much happier that way.

wunderbar

Yea, this is a tough situation, I'm in a similar one myself right now. I'm still friends with her, and we hang out. I still want to be with her, but there isn't much desire on her end. It's not always easy, but I can deal with it most of the time. It really depends on the day. Some days it's fine, other days, not so much. It can be very hard to manage, and limits and ground rules have to be set.

I know a lot of people here are going to tell you to stay away, but what I will say is that it *can* work, but just make sure that you are fully aware that it could one day blow up on you. If you're willing to take a few ups and downs, as well as be aware that it could end badly one day, then go for it.

Just be careful.

Sentry

I can't envision a scenario where going to the wedding won't be awkward or painful for you. What if she brings a date? The family will be heavily involved, you will interact with the brother barely if at all. It just sounds like a bad idea. And, it conflicts with my advice for getting over an ex... which is to cut off all contact until you've moved on, which you clearly haven't. Not that I blame you, abrupt breakups absolutely suck.

mysticjuicer

Explain the situation to her brother, wish him all the best and congratulate him on his wedding, and then excuse yourself from it. Honestly, he'll understand. Also, write your ex a last email explaining that continued contact isn't doing you any good, and then get on with the business of moving on with your life. Those email conversations with your ex are basically making sure these wounds will take forever healing.

Grid System

You should have cut off all contact with her (and her family) long ago. Don't go to the wedding. Stop communicating with her and her family. The breakup happened nine months ago; it's time to move on.

i n c u b u s

I am good friends with the sister of one my closest ex's and its fine now after a couple years of getting over my ex. At first it was super hard to try and keep the sibling neutral during the whole ordeal because the last thing I wanted was to have her pick sides which is totally not fair to them. Although it did help that her sister sympathized with me and shares my views. My ex now lives with her sister and she's even in the same room when I talk to her sis but it's pretty much like she doesn't exist. It's kind of like a non verbal agreement that she doesn't come up in conversation which makes everything not awkward at all. On that note, if you don't feel comfortable being in that situation then don't put yourself through that. If its been a little while and you feel confident then I don't see why you wouldn't be able to enjoy the wedding. You'd be there for the brother NOT for your ex so why not show your support? I'd go just to show the ex just how fine you're doing without her (even if you have to fake it). The last thing you want to do is show that your still banged up by this girl. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that it is completely possible to be friends with the siblings eventually and if you think you can handle the wedding with minimal contact with the ex then go for it. Otherwise keep yourself out of a potentially uncomfortable situation because you still love the girl.

starmanbrand

Talka wrote: »

So I dated a girl for three years, and then she dumped me. That was about 9 months ago. I was crazy about her to the end, but she left me because we had to go through a long distance spell and she wanted to experiment with other guys.

There's still tension/drama with my ex. I never really stopped loving her, and the breakup was more out of inconvenience and a desire on her part to experiment whilst abroad than anything else.

So she gave up a three year relationship with you to bang some dudes because she was going to be studying abroad for like a semester? What could possibly make you think it was a break up for convenience's sake?

You're still acting like this girls lapdog. Don't go to the wedding. Don't think about her. Stop emailing her. Find the dignity and move on, because this chick didn't respect you nine months ago and she probably doesn't now.

Erandus

Talka wrote: »

"why the fuck did we just hook up?"

You were desperate for the contact and to feel like it could work out again. She was looking for a sure thing. She used you, and you were happy to be used.

Stop talking to this girl.

MrMonroe

staying involved in an ex's life:

don't

make your excuses to her brother and recuse yourself of all responsibilities which involve dealing with her

it's a rare situation when people can remain friends after an affair and this is obviously not one of them

SammyF

Honestly, I probably wouldn't skip the wedding -- if I absolutely couldn't deal with talking to people, I'd skip the reception, but unless you're the best man or an usher or something the ceremony itself is easy to get through. You sit on the groom's side, towards the back, you smile, and you applaud at the end when he kisses the bride. You're not giving a toast or holding the ring for the guy. You're not an active participant. You're a witness. You're a bystander. That's all.

Speaking of bystanders, brother, start trying to change the framework that you use to see your interpersonal relationship with your ex. Stop thinking you have to "stay involved in her life" -- I'm sure I'm not the only person who quickly clicked the thread title expecting to say "NO!" Stop thinking you're "involved." You're not exactly a central figure in this drama anymore -- much like the wedding ceremony, the most you have to do really is sit in the audience.

Infidel

One of the things I was pissed most about with a big breakup with an ex was similar, her little brother loved having me around and the parents were baffled by the breakup too. I was angry that because of her I wouldn't have them anymore.

But that's the way things go unfortunately, it's best to move on as already said. Decline the invitation politely because you have no problems with him but the situation just isn't proper for you to be involved.

Sebbie

My ex-girlfriend's brother lives on his own and we still hang out almost twice a week. It works out, we never talk about her or whatever she's up to. It's not like I'd bump into her at his apartment because the only reason they'd really hang out was because I was the link that would bridge the age gap (and he's cool, if she'd show up and he knew I was on my way he'd contact me to let me know).

Right now I'd probably not want to go to the wedding but it would kind of be a dick move on my part seeing how we're practically best friends so I think I'd tough it out... there'd be plenty of other people to hang out with other than her and her parents. That being said, if you aren't *that* close to the brother there's nothing wrong with not going to the wedding.

Demerdar

I would stay out of your ex's family. There is really no reason for you to be communicating with her either, even through email. Especially since it seems to re-open lots of wounds when you do.

Cut off all contact, maybe even for good. There are tons of other people in this world that would like to be your friend, not just your ex's family members. Doesn't this all seem a little bit silly to you? Just cut off all contact and move on, you will be much happier in the long run.

Another way to get your mind of her, besides cutting off all contact is to start dating around. I'm assuming you haven't even attempted to get into another relationship. It's been 9 months, like someone said, it's time to move on.

Dog

My girlfriend makes the most amazing spicy jalapeno dip I've ever had in my life. It is probably the most delicious thing on the planet. The only problem is that I am majorly allergic to peppers, if I even get one near my mouth I break out in hives and my lungs start to close up. It took a while to diagnose the problem, but after seeing a specialist we were able to determine the exact cause of my allergic reactions and I was so torn up over it.

Whenever we have parties or are visiting friends she will always make this dip to bring along with us. I get to watch all of my friends and their guests enjoying the dish and hear about how great it is, and I know I'm not supposed to eat any but I always manage to sneak in a bite or two. I realize it would be best for my health if I stopped doing this, but I just can't help myself! My symptoms haven't been improving at all (especially with all my cheating) so I started getting immunization shots so I could possibly one day eat this delicious dip again, but the doctor has me under strict orders that I am not supposed to eat any until the treatment is done.

This is where my problem is, we were invited to a mexican themed party where there is going to be all sorts of spicy dishes that I will be tempted to try. I really want to go to the party, but I just think I wouldn't be able to handle being near all this delicious food and not being able to eat it, I just don't know what to do.

---

If you can't handle being near her, you shouldn't go to the wedding. If her brother is your friend, he will understand why you declined, but be sure you talk to him and wish him well and send a gift etc.

Don't email her. Don't talk to her. Don't look at pictures of the two of you together. All you are doing is making yourself feel worse, and making it harder and harder for you to move on with your life.

Darkewolfe

Sweet jeebus, stop tormenting yourself. Your life will be much, much better once you have taken time away from her to heal emotionally and divest yourself from what you committed to the idea of a relationship.

edit: robothero, you're killing me. I'm so hungry.

Deadfall

Grid System wrote: »

You should have cut off all contact with her (and her family) long ago. Don't go to the wedding. Stop communicating with her and her family. The breakup happened nine months ago; it's time to move on.

It's as simple as this.

Smurph

Think about it this way: how many of your parents' exes have you met? Any at all?

I dated a girl in high school who insisted on being good friends with all her exes. It caused problems for us, but we broke up for other reasons I think. Afterwords I became one of the crowd of good friend ex-boyfriends in her life and it made me feel like crap because I wasn't able to get over her and had to watch her date other guys.

I'm dating a girl now who is trying to keep her exes involved in her life and it's causing problems for us. Don't be one of these guys.

Basically you need to have a couple months with zero interaction with her, and maybe after you are totally over her you can be acquaintances. You can never be good friends with an ex without it turning into a super complicated and problematic relationship.

Captain Eleven

MrMonroe wrote: »

staying involved in an ex's life:

don't

Sarcastro

There's gotta be some sort of global rule here. I dunno.

Maybe: 'If you still think of your ex as an 'ex', instead of just a person with shared history, then maybe you should still be ex's with that person and stay the fuck away.'

or with different a different tact completely like: 'Many people mistake the agreement to not see each other romantically as the entire break-up process; in actual fact, this process begins long before the agreement itself is put into play, and ends only if and when there are no romantic attachments at all, i.e. they are broken. If you still have unresolved feelings, you're really still in the process of breaking up. Make your decisions accordingly.'

too wordy, mebbe. there's

'If you feel your flesh burning, take your hand off the goddamn stove.'

and

'Rolling on a broken glass bottle wont hurt any less just because you really enjoyed the beer.'

or

'When you discover a minefield, avoid it.'

or

'Don't pick your scab, it'll scar'

or

'Ow, quit it'

or something. Its a work in progress. Unlike your relationship. Which is over. No no, its over, stop thinking its not.

I know its fun putting puppet strings on a corpse and pretending it just ordered a drink like five seconds ago or using it to wave to the mailman, or wearing it like a suit to show up at the parties it was invited to. Those are good times. Sooner or later though, the smell will start getting to you, and that's when its time to cut the strings and set it free.

Bubye Mr. Bone-Jangles, you were my bestest friend...

Darkewolfe

Sarcastro wrote: »

'Rolling on a broken glass bottle wont hurt any less just because you really enjoyed the beer.'

So poetic.

Demerdar

If you really enjoyed the beer, doesn't that imply you have been affected by the beer?

Therefore, rolling over a glass bottle will hurt a lot less.

....yeah. int+1

Darkewolfe

How about "Rolling on a broken glass bottle won't damage you any less..."