The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Problem solved, please lock
Nitsua
South CarolinaRegistered User regular
South CarolinaRegistered User regular
Okay, let me set this up a bit here - just a warning though, it's going to get pretty long.
Almost three months ago my girlfriend, at the time, that I was living with and I received a notice that our lease would not be renewed by the management staff at our apartment complex. This caused my then girlfriend to start questioning a lot of things about remaining with me and start talking with her father about her options and what she should do. He advised her to stop living with me and move in with her mother again. She wasn't too sure about it and started looking for a new place with me, but started voicing doubts about her willingness to stay with me.
We've been together almost five years and have lived together for about four of those years, so this isn't exactly a short relationship by any means. I thought that she would actually decide that staying with me would be the best course of action and that she would work as hard as I would to keep the relationship going as it was. I really should have thought more on how she reacted to hard times in the past.
You see, she left me to stay with her mother three separate times (two times within the span of six months our first year living together and another about a year ago) because of not being able to deal with being on her own. The first time was blamed upon me staying up all night with friends playing games and such... this being the first time it ever happened and she became quite unruly about it. The next time isn't so clear to me, but the third was because the room mate we had at the time was an utter slob and she couldn't stand to be in the same apartment as him, so decided leaving me was the best course of action.
Now, with that kind of precedent set, I still didn't believe she would do it again. Mainly because I had told her that if she left me once more that I wouldn't stand for it and wouldn't take her back again. It wasn't a threat, but a true promise because I was pretty much torn apart each time that she left before. I also wasn't going to beg for her to come back to me as I did those three times. I know, kinda the wrong thing to do in retrospect, but besides those three occasions she was a wonderful person to be with. You can kinda guess where at least this part of my story is going by now.
Well, as all of this deciding on her part is going on an old friend of mine shows back up in my life, basically popping in on me at my job with her daughter in tow to purchase Twilight. I hadn't even spoke with her for about four years before this, but had known her since about June of 1998. Much longer than I have my now non-girlfriend. My friend apologizes for what caused us to lose contact and we get back as good of friends as we always were just like nothing ever happened.
As time goes on and our move out date moves day by day closer, I still believe that my then gf will remain with me, but I tell my friend about the backstory of my relationship with said gf and she advises me that I should really consider just dropping her. I don't believe that's the best course of action and continue to wait it out and see what my gf decides to do. Her and I look at a few places and choose one that we like and even get the move-in fees settled and a date chose to move our stuff.
Well, two days after that I get woken up by her rummaging in the room, packing her things. It was about two and a half months until our move out date, so I knew it wasn't for that. With the last time her leaving me basically being done behind my back while I was at work, I started getting a bit worried that she had decided to leave after all. So, I confront her about it (having had only about three hours of sleep) and try to get her to talk to me. Nothing doing, she won't say a word about it, only that she believes that it is best for us and that it should be done. I try to get her to talk about why she thinks this is best and remind her that we could very well make it if we just work together and make a few sacrifices, nothing is impossible if we both want it and try our best to attain it. She's not having any of that though and remains set in her course of action.
I'm not looking too fondly on this and decide that I want to let her know that, if she goes through with this, I'm not going to want to remain with her and also that I don't have a parent to go running to as she does and will be practically out on the street. That doesn't phaze her one bit and she finishes packing what she needs for the night and leaves out the door. I'm utterly devastated and call up some friends of mine (not related at all to the girl I mentioned earlier) to see if I can go there. I am barely able to speak though because I'm just crying so very much. My friend demands (being worried about me) that I go there right away and I just head on out there.
I discuss things with them a bit and they tell me I can live with them until things are sorted out for me. This relieves my worry about where I will live, but still leaves me with the decision of whether or not I will stay with my gf and see her at her mothers place and wait out whatever it is that she believes needs to be waited out.
I start talking with the aforementioned friend a lot more often while staying at my friend's place and she says that I should follow through with what I originally said I would do and just drop my gf and start moving on. However, I'm pretty conflicted about this at the time and really don't want to just throw away a relationship that lasted almost five years with many great times within them.
Well, here is where I start getting into my whole dilemma, now that I've more than amply set the background for it. You see, the friend I talked about is married and has been for a little under ten years, though I have known her for almost eleven now. With all that has been going on with my kinda ex-gf I have been feeling a bit out of sorts and maybe a bit too vulnerable as well. My friend and I are really close and talk very often to each other with her calling me up multiple times during the day while she is at work and me doing the same. We also see each other fairly often - going out to lunch together or just hanging out at her house with her family there. Nothing physical goes on between us, but there is an awful lot of time spent together. Her husband doesn't like to talk with her much, but they have a pretty good understanding of one another and are doing pretty well.
She has told me on multiple occasions though that there is nothing her husband could do that would cause her to give up a friend or stop seeing said friend. She has also told me, while talking privately in her room one day, that her and her husband have an open relationship and that if she was ever to find someone that she wished to sleep with he wouldn't think anything of it at all. This came out of the blue, though we were talking about different things about how he spends a lot of time playing WoW and generally keeping to himself.
She has also never taken him up on the offer and doesn't believe she would. I've been left wondering why she decided to grace me with such information if this was the case. Anyhow, that's only part of the picture here.
I recently tried seeing my sorta non-girlfriend, about a week ago this past Friday, to try and see if what she had planned for us could actually work. It was supposed to be a nice picnic together and we would share a few hours together before heading back to our respective homes. Well, when I saw her I no longer felt towards her what I always used to feel. No longer did the feeling come that I should hold her or touch her or be near her. No longer did I long to be held or kiss her or anything that used to come naturally to me when I was with her before. It was as if my heart felt that we were over and I held no feelings for her anymore besides a great desire not to inflict any pain upon her.
Well, I didn't let these feelings be known to her when I felt them and was glad I was wearing sunglasses at the time so she wouldn't see the anguish in my eyes over what I was feeling. It was very surprising to me because I had been looking forward very much to seeing her for about a week beforehand. I did cut short my visit with her and kept it to about an hour, using a lame excuse to try and get away so I could try and sort out what I felt.
I get away and immediately call up my female friend with what happened when I was in a safe enough place to do so. She tells me that I shouldn't keep this from my gf and should find some way of letting her know what I'm feeling... or, truthfully, not feeling. She then tells me she has to get back to work and she'll call me up later.
I'm totally distressed worried about what I'm going to do and end up trying my best to keep it together while driving home. Skip to the next day and I decide to tell my gf that I need to talk with her when I am off work and that we should find a good place to meet for it... I'm practically in tears though when I'm trying to give her the gist of what I want to say, but tell her it isn't exactly what she's thinking.
So, later that night I visit her at her mother's house and we talk in my car for about two hours or more. I tell her how my heart is feeling and that it really feels like all of what I had in there was just ripped out of me and that I'm in some serious pain over it. I tell her that I really don't want to break up with her at all and would like to remain with her, but, with how I'm feeling, I know it wouldn't at all be fair to her. Now, during this conversation, I'm just bawling my eyes out and she's sitting there listening. She doesn't cry at all (holds me a bit though) until I mention that she can still contact me if she wants to. Then I try to comfort her. I try my best to impart to her that my intention is not to break up with her, but to let her know what I'm feeling and not keep this from her.
It's been a little over a week since then and I'm still here at my other friend's house. I am continuing to visit my old friend and have multiple conversations with her each day. I text her a few times a day (something I've never done with anyone else) and basically wear out my phones battery talking with her most days. My problem is that I'm scared that I may be falling for her. I'm worried it's more because of what I'm feeling (loneliness, not having someone constantly there with me, not having a companion to come home to) than anything else, but am not entirely certain on that front. I tell all my friends that it is just a friendship and nothing more and it has so far remained that way.
Let me list my problems here though... I find her incredibly attractive and really always have since I met her a decade ago. I'm not the type though to act towards anyone if they are taken, especially if they are married, but the tidbit she gave me about her husbands attitude to her having extra-marital relationships leaves me confused. I've been debating for two weeks now about whether I should tell her what I'm feeling and how I see her and that I truthfully want to remain friends with her but am worried about what this is doing to me. I feel I'm starting to grow attatched to her in a way that I shouldn't be. I grow despondent if I haven't heard from her in awhile and become very happy when I'm near her or when I talk with her or get a text from her. She's able to help me not become depressed over what I'm feeling over my basically broken relationship and always can cheer me up no matter how depressed I get during the day.
I do not wish to fall in love with her for the wrong reasons nor do I wish to get in between her and her husband and would very much want to remain friends with her as we are without this complication. I feel though that I should be up front with her with what has been going on in my head and in my heart concerning her. I also feel I should tell her what I'm afraid may be happening with me. I'm writing this here because I wanted to e-mail her these parts I've placed here about my feelings and what I'm worried about and don't know if that is such a hot idea right now. I couldn't bear to have her have to stop talking with me or to see me differently than she does now with what is going on in my life at this moment. She's about the only thing keeping me sane with all the pain I'm going through and the only person I feel I can come to with my problems and feelings. I don't know what it would do to me to lose her, but I'm afraid of what may come if I tell her what I'm feeling.
She keeps telling me that I can tell her anything and that she enjoys my company very much and values my friendship dearly. She's also expressed concern if I didn't e-mail her during the day or called her at all. She's a very flirty type of person and tells me that she enjoys talking with me and continuously compares what I do with her to what her husband doesn't do with her. My biggest problem though is whether or not I should continue keeping quiet on this matter or let her know what I am afraid of happening.
I know I've written a lot and that most of you probably won't read it all so I'll try to give a short version here with a repeat of my question.
tldr;
Old female friend shows up into my life after being out of it for four years. Current girlfriend and I get a notice that we have to be moved out of our apartment, said girlfriend decides that we would be best served if we lived apart for a time and dated each other rather than lived together. Old friend of mine is married, but tells me that she has a husband that doesn't mind if she sleeps with another man. Friend and I talk continuously and hang out often. Girlfriend moves out and doesn't care if I don't have a place to stay. I get a place to stay with other friends and start talking with old friend a lot more. I fall out of love with girlfriend and start fearing I'm falling in love with old friend.
I'm worried about how she would react to what I'm feeling and if I should tell her.
Thanks for your time. Hopefully this isn't too long for a first post here. (I post in G&T pretty often though)
Almost three months ago my girlfriend, at the time, that I was living with and I received a notice that our lease would not be renewed by the management staff at our apartment complex. This caused my then girlfriend to start questioning a lot of things about remaining with me and start talking with her father about her options and what she should do. He advised her to stop living with me and move in with her mother again. She wasn't too sure about it and started looking for a new place with me, but started voicing doubts about her willingness to stay with me.
We've been together almost five years and have lived together for about four of those years, so this isn't exactly a short relationship by any means. I thought that she would actually decide that staying with me would be the best course of action and that she would work as hard as I would to keep the relationship going as it was. I really should have thought more on how she reacted to hard times in the past.
You see, she left me to stay with her mother three separate times (two times within the span of six months our first year living together and another about a year ago) because of not being able to deal with being on her own. The first time was blamed upon me staying up all night with friends playing games and such... this being the first time it ever happened and she became quite unruly about it. The next time isn't so clear to me, but the third was because the room mate we had at the time was an utter slob and she couldn't stand to be in the same apartment as him, so decided leaving me was the best course of action.
Now, with that kind of precedent set, I still didn't believe she would do it again. Mainly because I had told her that if she left me once more that I wouldn't stand for it and wouldn't take her back again. It wasn't a threat, but a true promise because I was pretty much torn apart each time that she left before. I also wasn't going to beg for her to come back to me as I did those three times. I know, kinda the wrong thing to do in retrospect, but besides those three occasions she was a wonderful person to be with. You can kinda guess where at least this part of my story is going by now.
Well, as all of this deciding on her part is going on an old friend of mine shows back up in my life, basically popping in on me at my job with her daughter in tow to purchase Twilight. I hadn't even spoke with her for about four years before this, but had known her since about June of 1998. Much longer than I have my now non-girlfriend. My friend apologizes for what caused us to lose contact and we get back as good of friends as we always were just like nothing ever happened.
As time goes on and our move out date moves day by day closer, I still believe that my then gf will remain with me, but I tell my friend about the backstory of my relationship with said gf and she advises me that I should really consider just dropping her. I don't believe that's the best course of action and continue to wait it out and see what my gf decides to do. Her and I look at a few places and choose one that we like and even get the move-in fees settled and a date chose to move our stuff.
Well, two days after that I get woken up by her rummaging in the room, packing her things. It was about two and a half months until our move out date, so I knew it wasn't for that. With the last time her leaving me basically being done behind my back while I was at work, I started getting a bit worried that she had decided to leave after all. So, I confront her about it (having had only about three hours of sleep) and try to get her to talk to me. Nothing doing, she won't say a word about it, only that she believes that it is best for us and that it should be done. I try to get her to talk about why she thinks this is best and remind her that we could very well make it if we just work together and make a few sacrifices, nothing is impossible if we both want it and try our best to attain it. She's not having any of that though and remains set in her course of action.
I'm not looking too fondly on this and decide that I want to let her know that, if she goes through with this, I'm not going to want to remain with her and also that I don't have a parent to go running to as she does and will be practically out on the street. That doesn't phaze her one bit and she finishes packing what she needs for the night and leaves out the door. I'm utterly devastated and call up some friends of mine (not related at all to the girl I mentioned earlier) to see if I can go there. I am barely able to speak though because I'm just crying so very much. My friend demands (being worried about me) that I go there right away and I just head on out there.
I discuss things with them a bit and they tell me I can live with them until things are sorted out for me. This relieves my worry about where I will live, but still leaves me with the decision of whether or not I will stay with my gf and see her at her mothers place and wait out whatever it is that she believes needs to be waited out.
I start talking with the aforementioned friend a lot more often while staying at my friend's place and she says that I should follow through with what I originally said I would do and just drop my gf and start moving on. However, I'm pretty conflicted about this at the time and really don't want to just throw away a relationship that lasted almost five years with many great times within them.
Well, here is where I start getting into my whole dilemma, now that I've more than amply set the background for it. You see, the friend I talked about is married and has been for a little under ten years, though I have known her for almost eleven now. With all that has been going on with my kinda ex-gf I have been feeling a bit out of sorts and maybe a bit too vulnerable as well. My friend and I are really close and talk very often to each other with her calling me up multiple times during the day while she is at work and me doing the same. We also see each other fairly often - going out to lunch together or just hanging out at her house with her family there. Nothing physical goes on between us, but there is an awful lot of time spent together. Her husband doesn't like to talk with her much, but they have a pretty good understanding of one another and are doing pretty well.
She has told me on multiple occasions though that there is nothing her husband could do that would cause her to give up a friend or stop seeing said friend. She has also told me, while talking privately in her room one day, that her and her husband have an open relationship and that if she was ever to find someone that she wished to sleep with he wouldn't think anything of it at all. This came out of the blue, though we were talking about different things about how he spends a lot of time playing WoW and generally keeping to himself.
She has also never taken him up on the offer and doesn't believe she would. I've been left wondering why she decided to grace me with such information if this was the case. Anyhow, that's only part of the picture here.
I recently tried seeing my sorta non-girlfriend, about a week ago this past Friday, to try and see if what she had planned for us could actually work. It was supposed to be a nice picnic together and we would share a few hours together before heading back to our respective homes. Well, when I saw her I no longer felt towards her what I always used to feel. No longer did the feeling come that I should hold her or touch her or be near her. No longer did I long to be held or kiss her or anything that used to come naturally to me when I was with her before. It was as if my heart felt that we were over and I held no feelings for her anymore besides a great desire not to inflict any pain upon her.
Well, I didn't let these feelings be known to her when I felt them and was glad I was wearing sunglasses at the time so she wouldn't see the anguish in my eyes over what I was feeling. It was very surprising to me because I had been looking forward very much to seeing her for about a week beforehand. I did cut short my visit with her and kept it to about an hour, using a lame excuse to try and get away so I could try and sort out what I felt.
I get away and immediately call up my female friend with what happened when I was in a safe enough place to do so. She tells me that I shouldn't keep this from my gf and should find some way of letting her know what I'm feeling... or, truthfully, not feeling. She then tells me she has to get back to work and she'll call me up later.
I'm totally distressed worried about what I'm going to do and end up trying my best to keep it together while driving home. Skip to the next day and I decide to tell my gf that I need to talk with her when I am off work and that we should find a good place to meet for it... I'm practically in tears though when I'm trying to give her the gist of what I want to say, but tell her it isn't exactly what she's thinking.
So, later that night I visit her at her mother's house and we talk in my car for about two hours or more. I tell her how my heart is feeling and that it really feels like all of what I had in there was just ripped out of me and that I'm in some serious pain over it. I tell her that I really don't want to break up with her at all and would like to remain with her, but, with how I'm feeling, I know it wouldn't at all be fair to her. Now, during this conversation, I'm just bawling my eyes out and she's sitting there listening. She doesn't cry at all (holds me a bit though) until I mention that she can still contact me if she wants to. Then I try to comfort her. I try my best to impart to her that my intention is not to break up with her, but to let her know what I'm feeling and not keep this from her.
It's been a little over a week since then and I'm still here at my other friend's house. I am continuing to visit my old friend and have multiple conversations with her each day. I text her a few times a day (something I've never done with anyone else) and basically wear out my phones battery talking with her most days. My problem is that I'm scared that I may be falling for her. I'm worried it's more because of what I'm feeling (loneliness, not having someone constantly there with me, not having a companion to come home to) than anything else, but am not entirely certain on that front. I tell all my friends that it is just a friendship and nothing more and it has so far remained that way.
Let me list my problems here though... I find her incredibly attractive and really always have since I met her a decade ago. I'm not the type though to act towards anyone if they are taken, especially if they are married, but the tidbit she gave me about her husbands attitude to her having extra-marital relationships leaves me confused. I've been debating for two weeks now about whether I should tell her what I'm feeling and how I see her and that I truthfully want to remain friends with her but am worried about what this is doing to me. I feel I'm starting to grow attatched to her in a way that I shouldn't be. I grow despondent if I haven't heard from her in awhile and become very happy when I'm near her or when I talk with her or get a text from her. She's able to help me not become depressed over what I'm feeling over my basically broken relationship and always can cheer me up no matter how depressed I get during the day.
I do not wish to fall in love with her for the wrong reasons nor do I wish to get in between her and her husband and would very much want to remain friends with her as we are without this complication. I feel though that I should be up front with her with what has been going on in my head and in my heart concerning her. I also feel I should tell her what I'm afraid may be happening with me. I'm writing this here because I wanted to e-mail her these parts I've placed here about my feelings and what I'm worried about and don't know if that is such a hot idea right now. I couldn't bear to have her have to stop talking with me or to see me differently than she does now with what is going on in my life at this moment. She's about the only thing keeping me sane with all the pain I'm going through and the only person I feel I can come to with my problems and feelings. I don't know what it would do to me to lose her, but I'm afraid of what may come if I tell her what I'm feeling.
She keeps telling me that I can tell her anything and that she enjoys my company very much and values my friendship dearly. She's also expressed concern if I didn't e-mail her during the day or called her at all. She's a very flirty type of person and tells me that she enjoys talking with me and continuously compares what I do with her to what her husband doesn't do with her. My biggest problem though is whether or not I should continue keeping quiet on this matter or let her know what I am afraid of happening.
I know I've written a lot and that most of you probably won't read it all so I'll try to give a short version here with a repeat of my question.
tldr;
Old female friend shows up into my life after being out of it for four years. Current girlfriend and I get a notice that we have to be moved out of our apartment, said girlfriend decides that we would be best served if we lived apart for a time and dated each other rather than lived together. Old friend of mine is married, but tells me that she has a husband that doesn't mind if she sleeps with another man. Friend and I talk continuously and hang out often. Girlfriend moves out and doesn't care if I don't have a place to stay. I get a place to stay with other friends and start talking with old friend a lot more. I fall out of love with girlfriend and start fearing I'm falling in love with old friend.
I'm worried about how she would react to what I'm feeling and if I should tell her.
Thanks for your time. Hopefully this isn't too long for a first post here. (I post in G&T pretty often though)
Nitsua on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
1) Drop the girlfriend.
That shit is ridiculous . Just leaving you like that? You don't need that. It will not work if you take her back. She will just do it again. Stop being a doormat .
2) If you can't handle talking to this friend without acting on your infactuation with her (which it doesn't look like you can). Don't talk to her.
You don't love her. You only feel like you do because you are rebounding . Happens to us all. You aren't in love. You need to sort out yourself. Get comfortable. Find an apartment. Sort your own life out, and cut off all contact with your girlfriend.
To fill the void, go out with friends, get a new hobby, anything. Just don't go back to her.
Only when you do this, you'll be able to heal and move on.
Five years is a long time. I was in a similar situation to you 3 months ago. I did what I just suggested, and I've never been happier.
The rebounding thing is what I'm thinking it is too... pretty much what I know it is.
Thanks for being blunt, I'm just worried about what to talk to my friend about all this really. I haven't acted on my infatuation with her, just her comment confuses me and isn't helping matters. I won't act on it, but I'm not entirely sure what this friend is fully wanting from me.
I appreciate that you read all that though.
I'm sorry but it's been going on for five years you don't date people after five years, after five years you sit down and say, we are in this for the long haul or we are not. Because otherwise you two are just wasting each other's time when you could be looking for some one else. Also by the sounds of things you aren't dating a woman, you are dating her parents, go find some woman who can make up her own mind and can actually confront you with her problems rather than trying to sneak out while you are asleep.
Secondly, yeah it does sound pretty much like a rebound crush, with a married woman. If you want to pursue a realationship with her it you need to be comfortable with the fact that you could tear the family apart. You don't want to go on two dates then realise you were wearing rose tinted glasses and you have ruined everyone's lives because you wanted a rebound root. If you want a fuck buddy then bring it up, if she says no, accept it and move on. If she is in an open relationship it does not mean you get to fuck her, she gets to choose who it is and you need to respect that.
Go get drunk find a bar and hit on anything that wears a dress. It will be far more fun and you have a far greater chance of not fucking up any relationship with anyone you don't currently want to chase.
Satans..... hints.....
Being that you've been there before, in a way, I'm pretty positive you know how pain can distort what one is feeling and wanting, even from those you never truthfully wanted from before.
Once again though, thanks. Glad to hear that you are making it well though, give me a bit of hope on the matter. I really feel like I just want to escape from the world and be alone for awhile. Can't have that with the job I have, but did you feel that way? Like you just hurt so much you want the world to just go away because you really can't deal with it all?
edit Blaket: I'm not thinking that she is giving me an open invitation to do anything with her... I just plain out don't know what to think. The rebound thing is feeling very likely at the moment too. I'm not at the point where a physical relationship with just anyone is sounding good to me and I know in my head that it would be the worst thing for me at the moment. I also could not bear to destroy anyone's life, especially with how I feel mine is just shot all to hell right now. I just don't like hiding things from anyone and wish I wasn't feeling anything at all towards my friend.
I do think I should tell her that the ending of my relationship with the girlfriend may be causing me some mixed feeling towards said friend... that may go over better than most anything else I can think of right now.
Well, I wasn't exactly truthful when I said "That's what I did". Let me clarify. I was in a 3 and a half year relationship. It had died at least a year before it ended. I cared. But I wasn't...well...I didn't care. I wanted to care. But I couldn't. Usually I'm pretty cold, detatched and void of emotion, so take that like you will. I think I was just so sick of her shit, I was glad it was over.
I wouldn't say it was the worst pain ever. It did go away. At first it can be a bit like what you're describing. BUT. There are plenty of other women out there, and you will find one that you will love more than your ex.
Basically, straight after my breakup, there was another girl. A friend for 4 years. I didn't want to rebound, so I took it slow. Best decision I ever made. Eventually, we both realised (both out of relationships) that we had something good, and it would be stupid to just throw it away because someone labeled it as "possibly rebounding"
You have to feel it yourself, and decide whether or not you are rebounding. It sounds to me like you are. With me, I don't think I was. It was a bit of a different situation. I had felt something for this girl for a very long time, but didn't want to get out of a largely abusive relationship through fear of being lonely forever. Maybe even thinking "I won't do better than her" "I won't find anyone else"
I can almost guarantee you have felt this. If you haven't, well :P maybe it's just me. You will find someone else, when you're ready, and you'll wonder why you bothered staying with your old girlfriend for five years when it wasn't right.
So it seems you understand my whole losing feelings deal more than what I thought. Also the whole rebound thing too - freaky.
Drop the girlfriend.
In other words, there's no way you could date your friend.
And to echo everyone else, your girlfriend is already your ex at this point. You might as well start treating her as such.
Right now you're going to be grabbing for anything comforting and similar to a relationship, you need to keep yourself busy and socialize/hang out with multiple other people of both genders so that you don't fixate or become infatuated with say...this friend.
Give yourself some time and don't do anything that will screw stuff up in the future like profess your undying love for this friend, tell her you have a crush on her, or sleep with her.
No. Just let it go. If she wants to act on it, she will. Until then it's nothing but information. And useless information, because you seem to want to take this person who appears to be one of your few support networks, and what, fuck her? You think that's somehow healthy or wise, or even worth it?
Don't mention it. Don't act on it. Just freaking ignore it.
oh, and break up with your ex-girlfriend.
Don't ask. The time to ask about it is really 6-12 months down the line when you've stabilized. Put it in the same category as a friend telling you, "I shave my balls with a lighter." It's in the "Uh, ok...moving on" category.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
I actually don't wish to do anything at all physical with her. This whole thing is just messing with my mind is all. I value her friendship very much and really couldn't ask for more from her - especially right now. I'm not one to want sex without love in it first and so couldn't really even if she wanted to. My whole problem just seems to be that I'm transferring what I felt for my sorta ex to my now best friend... and I don't want that at all, but can't bear keeping what I'm afraid of from her. I hate hiding things, but maybe this will sort itself out in my head. Just talking with you people here has been tons of help really.
edit: This has basically sated my need to say something or burst. Getting it out there to anyone (especially people who can't mess up anyone's life with the information) really is a life saver at the moment. Biggest problem I have is that whenever that moment pops up into my mind 9or other 'odd' things she has said when I was more attatched to the gf) I kinda clam up and feel weird around her. Normally this whole situation would just slide right off of me, but I'm one of those that start wondering what people mean by things.
Truthfully, you guys are right, I should just forget it and wait and see what happens. If something else comes up from her, it does... since it is not right now I'm just fucking myself up for no reason. It's just that for me, after that statement, my friendship with her turned from 'hey this is a pretty awesome friend I have here' to 'hey, this is a pretty awesome friend I have here... but, um... yeah, what was that all about? Is she hinting that she's into me or what? This is starting to get awkward'. Best thing to do is try to forget she ever said that and enjoy the friendship I have now.
Oh, and Hypatia, I do hang out with other friends. I'm currently living with a few right now and see them more often than I do her. Just that I'm not getting any kind of crossed signals from them at all and felt like I was with her. I do a lot more than just hang out with this friend (meaning I go out and do things with other people), but I didn't think that information was totally pertinent to my problem. Sorry if I made it out to seem that way though.
That is, of course, conjecture. Once your head is on straight, it's fine to ask her about it -- if you're simply curious in a "how does that work?" way.
That's good to hear! I was just worried since your post made it sound to me like she was the only person you were talking to, and it's easy to fixate on someone when they're you're only lifeline. Keep it up, you'll get through it!
EggyToast brings up a good point, now that I think about it, all the people I've known who are in open relationships do tend to bring it up relatively quickly (within the first conversation or two) and it hasn't necessarily meant they were interested, it was more just a full disclosure kind of thing.
Well, thank you everyone for your input - it's helped a great deal. Like I just needed someone to side with my reasonable side.
I'll ask to get this thread closed later - I'm heading out. Thanks again!
Dump your gf, she sucks and probably not in any way that is fun.
Don't bang the married chick, she may suck in a way that is fun initially but won't be worth the aftermath.
Holy crap. Listen to yourself, man. Snap out of it, do what you need to do, what your girlfriend is TELLING you to do, and dump her. She's already dumped you, she just hasn't told you yet. Also don't bang the married the married chick.