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life after cheating - can it ever work again?
S.Vimes
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Registered User regular
I have recently been cheated on. Apparently it was going on for months. He lied to me about it many, many times.
Before he cheated I trusted him implicitly. I never really asked what he was doing or where he was going. When I did ask it was usually because I wanted to join him. Now my paranoia flares every time his cell phone goes off and my mind asks terrible questions every time he leaves the house.
Can it work? Can a long term relationship ever really recover from that kind of betrayal?
Before he cheated I trusted him implicitly. I never really asked what he was doing or where he was going. When I did ask it was usually because I wanted to join him. Now my paranoia flares every time his cell phone goes off and my mind asks terrible questions every time he leaves the house.
Can it work? Can a long term relationship ever really recover from that kind of betrayal?
S.Vimes on
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No. This wasn't some drunken frak up, he was lying to you and being unfaithful for months. Did you catch him, or did he confess?
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He confessed. He said he couldn't live with the guilt anymore. When it first started we were fighting for about a month and I guess once things got good again he just didn't stop.
You should end it, having it going on for months isn't something you can excuse.
End it. There is no excuse for lying (unless it was like "no there is nothing in that bag for you" and then "surprise its your birthday present i lied") or cheating, under any condition.
But continued, premeditated cheating going on for months? Why would you want that person back?
No, it's done, get out, be alone for a while to get yourself back in order emotionally and then get with someone who is worth trusting.
Edit: I need to flesh out the situation a little more. Essentially he met some girl over the net. He was talking to her every day, talking dirty to her, sending her naked pictures, her sending him naked pictures. I asked him about her and he said she was a friend he met while he was living down south (which was a lie). Has he ever actually physically cheated? He says no... but who knows? So supposedly it wasn’t physical but the lying over and over again is what kills me.
It's not impossible. It can still work.
What it takes is a lot of time, a lot of effort, and a lot more trust, even than you originally had for him. If it means enough to you to keep things going, and you genuinely believe he is sorry and can and will prevent himself from doing it again, then it can work. But it takes a lot of work from you to trust him again, and a lot of work from him to deal with you NOT trusting him for as long as it takes you.
It's certainly not easy but it can be done.
There's your answer.
You have two options here: Option the first is to get rid of him and suffer the relatively brief pain of an ended relationship. Option the second is to try to be Jesus and forgive the man his flaws, and doom yourself to months if not years of suspicion, watching your relationship - and your youth - wither into something bitter.
I'm not even being poetic here. If you try and "make this work", you're going to regret it when he finally decides that his little bit of strange is more rewarding than this chilly situation you're in, and leaves you. As animals, we're not built for polygamy, so for the sake of your self esteem, get free as quickly as you can. Sublet your part of the lease (if possible and if you're renting), and move somewhere you can be around people who care about you and support you.
Thank you, Rubacava!
A guy who cheats and keeps it a secret is a guy who likes you, likes the relationship but is too weak to keep in the pants, it's a simple act of will power, a test that most men have to go through when in a committed relationship.
How old are you guys?
*I have the solution and it's called an open relationship. Men shouldn't have to be limited to one woman, it goes against the very grain of his existence, evolution and God! (Virgin Mary anyone?). Even if he doesn't cheat on you again you know he's lookin' at porn, looking down your friend's shirt and masturbating to the mental image of every fuckable female that may cross his path.
The real issue here is the fear that sex with another person will somehow limit your partner's ability to be intimate, love and care for you in a committed relationship. Is that your true fear? Now ask yourself; Is it not increasing the likely hood of a man's desire to cheat by keeping him on a leash? Maybe he will come to respect you and value you more if you trusted that he would be able to commit to you and still have sex with other people? Of course then there is the problem of the other woman demanding the same thing from him, but maybe that's what escort services are for...
To answer the OP's question, it could work, but it probably won't, and is it really worth the effort considering what he's done? Take some time to enjoy being single again, and then find someone better.
To which I respond; "If I was going to cheat on you, I'd tell you first. Not only that but I'll let you know when I feel like having sex with someone else." I usually tell my girlfriend when I masturbate, and when I think other girls are sexy. I also tell her when I think she's sexy, and our sex is amazing. I like to be blunt, put it all out there... Women make it perfectly clear how they feel about sex why shouldn't men be able to express their feelings as well? Enough hiding our nature. That being said, I would never cheat on anyone that I am in a relationship with. If I ever find someone worth breaking up a good 2 year relationship over to have sex with, I'll consider myself a lucky guy.
We're both 24.
I don't do open relationships. Either we're just screwing or we're dating but there are very clear lines. He always said he wasn't into sharing (liked monogamy) but I guess what he really meant was he wasn't into sharing me.
The scariest thing can be acknowledging that it's probably better to let go, and how hard it is afterwards. I am in that very situation now, but I confide in myself that it's infinitely better than hanging on to a sinking ship.
I can't count the number of threads we get in here where this kind of thing happens and they don't take our advice and stay. and then a month later they come back because they were still being cheated on. relationships have tough times. he is not mature enough to deal with it. he didn't come to you because he wanted your trust back, he came to you because it was eating at him from the inside. It's the Tell Tale Heart all over again. He wasn't considering your feelings at all, just how he would feel if you caught him.
There are thousands of guys out there that are far better than this guy, and you probably won't trust any guys for a while, that's a natural reaction, but when you do find someone you trust it will have been worth it far more than wasting time trying to mend broken faith
Kick him to the fuckin curb, or better yet, fuck his best friend behind his back and then kick him to the curb.
cheating is one of the worst things you can do and it shows an utter lack of respect for the person you are with.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxuDyd1w5ZQ
I seriously doubt it is worth it to stay.
but they're listening to every word I say
maybe not the part about his best friend. but the last part
Get yourself tested.
Kicking his cheating ass to the curb and beginning the process of grieving a relationship that meant a lot to you, rebuilding your circle of friends and moving on with your life is what's most important here.
Anecdotally, I know of a number of habitual cheaters, and very few reformed, settled and trustworthy ones.
Frig, I don't know the code to lime this twice. In superlime.
Thank you, Rubacava!
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As a guy the whole, "oh guys will be guys" thing is a total crock of shit. A guy may sort of be biologically driven to glance at an attractive girl when he sees one, but cheating is an entirely different game. That's a conscious decision to completely shit on the person you're seeing.
So the guy is a scumbag, the question isn't if he's a scumbag. The question turns into do you want to date a scumbag.
Get rid of him. Months of cheating is not something you should have to forgive. If you don't dump him now, I'd bet good money he'll do it again eventually. He's not worth it.
Also, yeah, you might have had good times in the past with this guy, but reality now is different.
Furthermore, please please note: there are lots of guys out there who will NEVER cheat, and will always respect your opinions and feelings. So my question would have to be: why are you even debating giving this assclown another try? Now, i'm a nice guy, but i can't even get a fucking date, yet here we have a "man" that's deceitful and disrespectful, who wants a second chance even when he blew it the first time through deliberate, premedidated shit???
Seriously, though- go for it, get out and let yourself be happy, rather than letting yourself be held back and hurt. Yeah- that sounds simplistic, but sometimes the best solutions are.
Rock on!
\m/
One drunken night with a total stranger? That's bad but it's not impossible to fix and work through, but months of cheating is, basically, inexcusable. There's no way you can let him off for doing that, and you'll never be able to trust him ever again. There'll always be part of you thinking "he's with her again" every time he leaves the house.
There are reasons for his behavior, some of them better, some worse, none of them very good. Regardless, you will probably be better off leaving if you want to leave. Most importantly, talk with him seriously and frankly. My litmus test? If you don't automatically think "yeah, I can get why he did this and now that the reason is uncovered, it won't happen again," then you won't get over it.
This is the important part. He didn't consider your feelings when he started cheating and he didn't consider them when he confessed. He didn't confess because he wanted to be honest with you or because he wanted to attempt to repair the breach of trust he caused, he confessed to assuage his own sense of guilt. This guy either hasn't stopped cheating or he's going to start cheating again eventually. Maybe in a few years, after you've kicked him to the curb and he's realized just how shitty he was to you and how little he deserved your trust, he might be worth giving a second chance, on your terms.
But for now, especially if there are no kids involved, tell him to get the fuck out and never even think of seeing you again.
Just curious, but what's your basis for this conclusion?
It's not even a good way to hurt the person back. It's a good way to vindicate the cheater's feelings and make them feel like "everyone does it eventually."
The best way to hurt the person is to throw them out the relationship airlock when you find out and let them instantly deal with the very real consequences of their stupid, selfish actions.
End it. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
There are so many people in this world; why would you put up with a jackass like this?
1) Stay quiet. Don't make things any more tense than they are. Do the following without his knowledge or suspicion (if possible) until the final day.
2) Quickly separate everything you have. If you have a shared bank account, make a new one and ensure your savings and pay are being deposited there. Ensure every dime of ~your~ savings is in your account. Don't take any more than what you can honestly claim as your own, however.
3) If you are still living with him, quickly find a friend to live with or a safe apartment community that rents individual rooms. Most college areas have them, and if your goal is to leave the area asap, this is a good idea for saving coin and still getting out. You can also rent a storage unit to house any furniture or possessions you may have that wont fit.
4) Move out quickly, move out quietly. Don't tell him when you are moving out, and do it when he is away. Don't tell him where you are moving too either. If he knows, and if he gets angry, he will follow you there eventually. Take nothing of his, leave the place clean. If it is in dispute on who owns it, leave it.
5) After you move out, arrange a face to face meeting in a public place with at least one friend his size or larger in the vicinity. Choose a restaurant, one where alcohol is limited or not served. Don't order anything but drinks, and calmly tell him your grievances and why you are leaving (assumedly because he cheated and you can no longer trust him, though being a total dick is on the list). In all likelihood from your story, he will be understanding (since he shows remorse). If things go badly, have your friend or friends come over from their table and leave together. Always have a friend drive. Pay for the drinks.
Trust me, quick, quiet, and humble is the way to leave. Anything else invites anger, violence, and lawsuits.
Though I'd agree in a bad situation or one with a history of abuse, that's a pretty decent way to go.
Then again, I'm more than a little paranoid about everything after that.