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So a midget walks under an Awful Joke Thread
YaYa
Decent.Registered User regular
Decent.Registered User regular
hey dudes, let's tell some godawful jokes
good jokes are also acceptable, but not necessary
but first, an interesting fact!
Homeless people rarely subscribe to the Jewish faith. The children of Israel typically are born rich or well-off, or alternatively have a strong work ethic, alievating them from the threat of being a street person.
In short:
good jokes are also acceptable, but not necessary
but first, an interesting fact!
Homeless people rarely subscribe to the Jewish faith. The children of Israel typically are born rich or well-off, or alternatively have a strong work ethic, alievating them from the threat of being a street person.
In short:
Beggers can't be Jewsers
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Turn it upside down.
PS4:MrZoompants
He pushes through the swinging wooden doors, and finds that the whole place is nearly empty. The only soul is the bartender, polishing some glasses. The cowboy approaches the bar and says, "I've traveled the length of this wild west, and I've only seen saloons this empty when somebody's being hanged. Whose the unlucky man?"
Bartender says, "It was a rapscallious man by the name of Brown Paper Pete."
Cowboy says, "That's an unusual name for a villain. What was his schtick?" (the cowboy was Jewish)
Bartender says, "Well, Brown Paper Peter had a screw loose. He'd only wear clothing made of brown paper. Chaps, pants, shirt - even his boots were made of brown paper."
The cowboy was genuinely taken aback. He collected himself and said, "What a dangerously insane individual. What was he brought in for?"
"Rustlin'"
So this little kid is sitting on a park bench and he has like six candy bar wrappers around him, and he's opening his seventh.
This old man sits next to him, feeding the pidgeons, waiting to die, whatever old people do, and he turns to the young lad and says "Son, I'm nearly 90 years old and I've never eaten so many candy bars at a time."
Little kid says "Yeah? Well my grandpa lived to be 113."
Old fucker says "Oh? Did he always eat seven candy bars in a row?"
Little kid says "No but he minded his own fucking business."
Tumblr blargh
ergh
Just a hint, it's funnier when you specify them as two Hydrogen atoms. Everyone knows the stuck up Noble gases bitches won't lose an electron. All high and mighty.
Secret Satan 2013 Wishlist
Secret Satan 2013 Wishlist
when you mix dublo7 and too much wine
one fifth of a suburban book club?
"I don't know yet, sweetie. The company is making us make our own hotel arrangements on account of the bum economy."
"Well as far as I can remember, just about all the hotels downtown are excellent, except for the Motel Six. Don't stay at the Motel Six, and have a good week. I'll see you when you get home, dear."
And with that, Pete the businessman leaves his home and shortly arrives at the airport, where he strikes a conversation with the clerk at the ticket kiosk.
"Yeah, going to Philadelphia for the week. My company's sending me to check out a big conference. I'm excited, I've never been there before, and I'm a big history buff so I'd like to check out some of the sights too."
"Oh yes, Philadelphia is a historian's dream, sir. I'm certain you'll absolutely enjoy your time there as long as you don't stay at Motel Six. You'll be boarding at Gate 12, enjoy your flight sir."
Chuckling to himself that Motel Six has garnered such ill repute, Pete boards his plane and relaxes into his seat. Midway into the nearly-empty flight, a flight attendant begins flirting with him. Feeling full of panache and two airline martinis, Pete flirts back.
"Yeah, I'll be in Philly for the whole week. Do you flight attendants get to take the night off sometimes? I'm sure you could show me the best things to do in the city, if you know what I mean."
"No sir, I have to work the red-eye to Seattle tonight, but I'm sure you can get up to no good by yourself in a big city like Philadelphia. Stay out of the Motel Six and you won't ever forget your week there."
Now slightly buzzed and more than slightly wary of the Motel Six, Pete leaves the airport in Philadelphia and gets into a cab, chatting with the driver.
"Yeah, just take me downtown near the convention center. My flight got delayed and I need to get there right away."
"Yes sir. I guess you need to check into a hotel, do you? That suitcase of yours was pretty big. Let me suggest the Hyatt downtown, very classy, great service. Nothing at all like that terrible, god-forsaken Motel Six."
And with that last bit of sage advice, Pete goes to the first day of his conference, which lasts late into the night. Tired and weary, dragging his suitcase behind him, Pete looks for a hotel, only to find that every last room in this town is booked. Ready to lie down in an alley somewhere if only to get just an iota of sleep, Pete gazes upon an ominous neon 6 down the street. Perhaps it was his fatigue, perhaps it was his rebellious tendencies, but Pete decided to check into Motel Six, ever so warily.
The next morning, Pete woke up feeling more relaxed and well-rested than he ever did in his own bed. Soon, there was a knocking on the door, and when Pete went to answer, a bellboy brought in a complimentary conference-special, bacon and eggs with a fresh cup of coffee. With this delicious meal, Pete sat at his room's table, enjoyed the gorgeous view of the city, and got caught up with last nights sports on the large LCD TV.
For the next four nights, Pete couldn't wait to return to the Motel Six. He recognized some of his neighbors there as colleagues from the conference, the hotel staff was warm and courteous, and overall, this Motel Six was the best lodgings experience he'd had in his life. But alas, Saturday came and it was time for Pete to return home to New York City. Outside the hotel, he hailed a cab and was surprised to see that it was the same cabbie that dropped him off a week earlier.
"Hey, I remember you," said the cabbie a few blocks down the road. "You're that guy going to the conference thing, right? How was it?"
"Conference was good, but the hotel was great! You were totally wrong about the Motel Six!"
"Motel Six, did you say? Listen buddy, I know the parkway isn't the best place to drop you off, but I've got somewhere to be right now. No charge, alright?"
And so Pete was kicked out of the cab on a very busy thoroughfare with very little time to get to the airport. Pete ran frantically down the side of the road, his suitcase jostling behind him, to catch his flight back home. Sweaty and tired, he arrives just in time, and takes his seat on the plane. He starts talking with a flight attendant, waiting for the plane to take off.
"You know, if you're ever staying the night in town here, you really have to stay at the Motel Six. Best hotel I've ever been to."
With that, the flight attendant whispers into her walkie talkie. "Sir, that was the pilot on the radio. He says that he doesn't feel comfortable taking off with you on the plane. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
Kicked off the plane, Pete tries to buy another ticket, only to discover he's been blacklisted from all airlines. Angrily, he pays to have his suitcase Fed-Exed to his home in NYC, and begins a long journey home, via hitch-hiking.
Three days later, Pete returns home to see all of his belongings packed up in boxes in the middle of the apartment foyer. He races up to his apartment to ask his wife what was going on, and meets her at the doorway, her with a credit card statement in her hand.
"What the hell is this? Five nights stay at the Motel Six? I fucking told you not to stay at the Motel Six! If you can't listen to me for one small thing like that, how do I know you're not completely disloyal to me with everything else? Your stuff's already gone, you should leave too."
Nonplussed, Pete wanders the streets of NYC, lonely and incredulous to the misfortune that the Motel Six has brought him. Looking to get his mind off of things, he turns to a favourite pastime from his childhood - a boat tour out on the harbour. Standing at the stern of the ship, he begins telling his story to one of the deckhands.
"You're never gonna believe what's happened to me, all because I stayed at a Mo- um, at a Holiday Inn in Philadelphia." And so Pete begins to pour his heart out to the empathetic deckhand, becoming visibly shaken as he forces himself to realize that his life with his longtime wife is over. The deckhand offers to get Pete a coffee and leaves to go to the galley.
Suddenly, the water begins to get choppy, and the boat begins to get tossed around. Pete tries to grab hold of the railing, but the seaspray has rendered it slippery, and Pete falls into the water below, hitting his head off of the propeller, killing him instantly.
What have we learned from Pete's story?
A door-to-door vacuum salesman rings the doorbell of the last house of the day.
After a brief moment, the door opens up, and a young boy around the age of ten is standing there. The salesman takes one look at the kid and sees he's covered in condoms. Condoms everywhere...he's got his sister's bra wrapped around his neck, and he's absolutely covered in KY jelly.
The salesman pauses for a moment, then asks, "Hey, er, sonny, are your parents home?"
The kid takes a long look at the salesman and says, "What the fuck do you think?"
Previous account
The first man says "Give me the honey, honey."
The second man tries to top this with "Give me the sugar, sugar."
The third man is thinking fast as the waitress is now approaching him, and he says "Give me the milk, cow."
the version of this joke i heard has the kid smoking a cigar and drinking scotch while wearing women's underwear, but it's a good joke any way you tell it
The version I told is the version that got one of my favorite talk radio hosts fired from his job. He didn't even say 'fuck.'
Previous account
reese... uh
(play along)
witherspoon?
NO WITH A KNIFE
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
what an idiot