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"I said no, but I really meant yes."
Fuzz
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So my girlfriend doesn't have a lot of money and often times has to scrap together cash for food. I'm well off and from time to time I'll take her out to dinner where she'll be upset because I had to pay for her (when really I just want to be chivalrous)
Anyway, she has this sort of "I may not have much money, but I can take care of myself" vibe and won't allow me to pay for her even if it means skipping a meal.
Now, on to the fun part..
She keeps some frozen dinners in the freezer that mostly belongs to my roommates because I have my own minifridge in my room. As I don't interact with it much I didn't notice when something creeped into the freezer and died, causing all the food to smell like ass. Not really, but I have no idea what else could make something smell like that..
Anyway, here's the goods: I ask if she minded if I go to Publix (awesome grocery store in south east USA) to replace her food and she says "no, it's ok." I wait a minute and then I insist that we should go to replace her food and she again replies "No, it wouldn't be fair."
I wait..
I ask a third time pointing out that it was my fault (pfft) and I should replace her food to which she angrily replies "No." and ignores me for quite some time.
Not long after that she storms out of my apartment.
Later we talk and she says that she is appalled that her boyfriend (me) would let her go hungry for days and wouldn't do the right thing and replace her food.
Whaaaaa??
Now, I point out that she told me "no" several times and she replies with "you taken some action and done the right thing anyway" and is heavily pissed at me.
Confused about the situation I decided I should clean out the freezer, replace her food, and drive over some foods for her to eat.
I let her know I'm on my way over to which she replies "no" which in my mind means "yes" because as she said I should do the right thing, and the right thing would be to make sure my girlfriend eats, right?
A few texts later she texts "FUCKING TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW!"
What the hell?
Now, she wants me to apologize and I feel like I'm not really in the wrong.. I mean, I shouldn't let my girlfriend starve, but past experiences with her have shown me that often times she'd rather I don't spend money on her..
Am I in the wrong here?
Anyway, she has this sort of "I may not have much money, but I can take care of myself" vibe and won't allow me to pay for her even if it means skipping a meal.
Now, on to the fun part..
She keeps some frozen dinners in the freezer that mostly belongs to my roommates because I have my own minifridge in my room. As I don't interact with it much I didn't notice when something creeped into the freezer and died, causing all the food to smell like ass. Not really, but I have no idea what else could make something smell like that..
Anyway, here's the goods: I ask if she minded if I go to Publix (awesome grocery store in south east USA) to replace her food and she says "no, it's ok." I wait a minute and then I insist that we should go to replace her food and she again replies "No, it wouldn't be fair."
I wait..
I ask a third time pointing out that it was my fault (pfft) and I should replace her food to which she angrily replies "No." and ignores me for quite some time.
Not long after that she storms out of my apartment.
Later we talk and she says that she is appalled that her boyfriend (me) would let her go hungry for days and wouldn't do the right thing and replace her food.
Whaaaaa??
Now, I point out that she told me "no" several times and she replies with "you taken some action and done the right thing anyway" and is heavily pissed at me.
Confused about the situation I decided I should clean out the freezer, replace her food, and drive over some foods for her to eat.
I let her know I'm on my way over to which she replies "no" which in my mind means "yes" because as she said I should do the right thing, and the right thing would be to make sure my girlfriend eats, right?
A few texts later she texts "FUCKING TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW!"
What the hell?
Now, she wants me to apologize and I feel like I'm not really in the wrong.. I mean, I shouldn't let my girlfriend starve, but past experiences with her have shown me that often times she'd rather I don't spend money on her..
Am I in the wrong here?
Fuzz on
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Your girlfriend is being childish, petty and vindictive.
How many times has something like this happened?
However, she's being a crazy bitch right the fuck now. If this is systemic of her behavior, I'd consider having a serious chat about it or even pursuing other options.
This is par for the course. Do the right thing, she'll get mad at you for it, but at least then you did the right thing. Then you get to feel like a martyr instead of a douche- that's about as much as you're going to come out with in this situation.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks she's being immature.
Note: Do not under any circumstances say the word 'immature' to her.
What do you mean by "do the right thing"? Are you saying I should bring her the food? Or should have replaced it initially even when she said no?
Or are you saying don't be a dick?
Good seldom comes from emotionally stunted people in relationships.
I was very close to doing this but I held it back. It's really hard not to.
2. Sit down and have a chat with her, and tell her that she needs to A) take responsibility for herself and should never expect you (or anyone for that matter) to buy her food,
If she can't comply with A and B, I strongly advise you to consider leaving her, because that kind of behavior can only lead to a very destructive relationship.
'Do the right thing' as in do what you think is right. She might get pissed, she might not, but as long as she can't properly convey what she wants (if she even knows what that is) you should do what you think is best.
Lots of people don't really know what they want, or they do but for whatever reason they won't admit it to themselves. It seems like she wants you to take care of her but doesn't want to be dependent. That's why she said no but really meant yes. By saying no and you doing it anyway she can't be held responsible.
EDIT: She's obviously not very strong in her "I'm going to make my own way" convictions so her mentality seems to be more superficially motivated. She wants to appear as if she can stand on her own, but still wants people to help her out without her having to beg or take charity.
Bull.
Shit.
That's not a relationship, that's emotional blackmail. That's "I'm going to fuck with your mind because I'm a goddamn harpy." You don't "win" or "lose" in a relationship, at least, not a healthy one that's going to last.
t OP: Buy the food. Take it to her apartment and leave it. Tell her when she's ready to talk to you like an adult, and not a petulant manipulative child, she knows how to get ahold of you.
Because that's the only excuse I can think of offhand for her acting that cunty.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
You don't think that's a little bit of an overreaction? I mean everyone gets childish sometimes, especially adults. Sometimes you just have to concede and move on- pick your battles.
I mean if this happens every day and it's going to continue like that, maybe take some action, but crap.
She's just being irrational. No reason to bust out the big guns.
This.
While a relationship should involve two people who can lean upon one another in times of need, you shouldn't have to be a mind reader to know when those times are.
If she need(s/ed) help, she should tell you. Saying she doesn't and then getting angry at you for respecting her wishes is childish and immature, and easily leads to 'no win' situations where you start second guessing yourself.
You shouldn't have to make judgement calls on her well being for her. She is presumably an adult, and should start acting like one. Doing something nice is not the same as being expected to cater to her needs, even when they are contrary to her expressed wishes.
It's not unforgivable, but it is a warning sign. If it becomes a pattern, you either need to sit down with her and explain how it's unfair to both of you for her to act this way (and for you to let her get away with it) and if things don't improve, move on.
I'm generally an advocate for the (non)apology. But in this case, using the facts you've presented, I'd say don't apologize. Just talk to her.
I think the best thing you could do is evaluate what you are getting out of this relationship and if its worth it.
pleasepaypreacher.net
You shouldn't have asked her about it in the first place.
I'm not saying you're in the wrong. Right now she certainly is acting a little bit immature, but you could have handled it better from the beginning. I have kind of a similar situation with my girlfriend and what I learned with time is: NEVER ASK HER IF SHE WANTS YOU TO PAY FOR HER STUFF!
To her, answering yes will feel close to just saying "Gimme 50 bucks" and make her feel very dependent. What you should have done is just replace her food without ever asking. When I go out for dinner or shopping for groceries with my girlfriend I just pretend to not notice how she takes out her purse and just pay before she can say anything. She always protests but there's never any real arguing and I know that she's grateful.
That is very possible, I have a friend who is the sweetest person in the world that becomes super insecure and prone to aggression during that special time. So jarring.
I didn't want to say it since the OP didn't but yes, this sort of 180 behavior is a common symptom, unfortunately.
But then again, attributing erratic or dysfunctional behavior to outside sources can just lead to blinding yourself to the way a person is. "Oh he/she's just stressed out about X" is a very unfortunate habit.
Talk to her with the intention of clearing everything up but gauge her reactions and responses and don't be afraid to call her out.
Once she cools down, and you outfit her with some food you both should have a talk. It may be difficult to bring up and it might be dicey going for awhile, but assuming you're both in this for the long haul you have to get a dialogue going on this.
This is not you being a sugar daddy; this is you helping her while she's in a bad situation and you're not, you would hope she'd do the same for you right? Independence is a good thing, but not if it makes you too proud to be upfront about asking for help when you need it from the people who love you, and then resent them for not giving it to you anyways.
Edit: I'm not excusing her. I'm just saying a lot of people are sensitive about this shit. The way she handled her issues was out of line, but people make mistakes. I'm also not saying the OP did anything wrong or could have even prevented this blow-up. It was a shitstorm waiting to happen because she's got issues.
Now, you should not lay down the law. If she's a psychotic witch, etc. etc. then you will come to realize that and walk away, and "laying down the law" isn't necessary. On the other hand, if she's just young, new to relationships, a little immature, whatever, spewing it all over the place that she behaved poorly isn't going to do her nearly as much good as calmly discussing how much you care about her and just got confused by the mixed signals.
1. It sets a poor precedent for the future of the relationship which then,
2. Breeds resentment on the part of the party who provides the most
A relationship should be equal parts of give and take, at least as best as it can be. There's nothing wrong with gentlemanly conduct and offering to pay for a meal is fine and dandy, but if it ever gets to the point that it is expected of you, that is where the line needs to be drawn and the relationship is put into question. Now, the OPs girlfriend has some financial issues, and that is unfortunate, but that does not make it his problem in the least. If he chooses to take it upon himself to help his girlfriend out, then great. If she feels self-conscious about this, then that can simply be conveyed by saying "I really appreciate the offer, but I'd feel like a huge leech if you did that". A simple disarm to that would be "well, how about we go to the store and you pick out the things you'd like, and we can cook it together for a nice dinner". Or whatever. The point is, he is not, in any way, and I really need to stress this, NOT in the wrong here.
If her behavior is due to her monthly cycle, then that is unfortunate, but that does not excuse it in the least.
She needs to learn to ask nicely for what she wants with "please" and "thank you."
Edit: Halfmex has it exactly right. Financial problems are stressful, sure, but she needs to learn to handle them with grace or else she's just going to make her situation worse and drag you down with her.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
I don't know about the other folks, but I was just suggesting it as a reason for the behaviour, not an excuse.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Yes, yes, communication in relationships is important and wonderful, but sometimes it's just rubbing salt in an open wound.
Fuzz, talk to her about why she's doing this, and if she stonewalls, I think you're perfectly in the right if you tell her that she needs to open up about this shit if she wants this to work, because you're in the relationship to be with a loving person -- not a codesmith who says one thing and expects another.
Or be passive about it, and whenever she says "no" say "ok, sure" and don't bring it up. No repeated questions, no checking in later. If she's out of food and you say "Hey you want me to pick you up a sandwich" and she says "no" say "OK. Well I'm going to the grocery store -- call me if you want me to get you anything." And then don't get her anything because she's an adult and should know that you communicate with other people by communicating with them.
The crux of the situation is her behavior as it relates to this particular problem. That kind of behavior is absolutely inexcuseable in this context. A stable relationship is not one built on knee-jerk, emotional reactions and demands.
I also don't buy into this sneaking food into her fridge thing because it's not fooling anyone, and adults should be able to confront their problems, not accomodate one anothers nuerotic behavior.
What I'm getting from this is she shouldn't have acted like that, but I also shouldn't have asked her in the first place and just replaced her food.
That is not what happened here.
Because if this is fairly early in the relationship, then I can definitely empathize with what a few people have said - she doesn't want to feel like she's basically accepting cash from you, and if you're still getting to know each other, then it makes perfect sense (albeit a bit more emotionally crazy than would be my taste, but.. whatever)
However, if this is a pretty serious (nearing long-termish) thing, then I personally would be willing to say something to the effect of "look, I like you, and one of the reasons I make money is to spend it on people I really like, so whether I ask you if you want me to buy something for you or I just buy it, you should think of it as a sign of how much I like you and not play games about it".
Obviously it depends on your personality, but I know I absolutely couldn't deal with someone pulling passive-agressive games on stupid things like this, so I feel like it's better to get it out in the open early on
All of this.
Answers like "his girlfriend's financial problems aren't his problem" are bullshit. If you're in a relationship they damn well better be your problems if you want to be supportive and have your relationship continue. That goes for if you're a man or a woman.
Now, her being crazy and uncommunicative, that's indicative of something else. It's possible it might just be written off as a maturity issue and resolved as part of a normal, growing relationship.