[Girl Thread] What the fuck happend?

HyperAquaBlast

Ok so I am looking for some third party criticism here since me and my close friends have all agreed on the same thing on what went wrong but they could just be agreeing with me since I just got dumped.


So earlier this week this girl I had been dating for exactly a month decided to call it quits. Ok cool so she didn't think it would work out. The thing is though it's totally over like as in we can't be friends and we have blocked all communication from here on out but was it really that bad?

Now story time.... (like seriously curl up if you are interested)

Back in mid April I decided to get back into dating after my previous relationship had all but deteriorated and taking a break for awhile. So I use the online dating sites since they just make so much sense to me. Meet this girl on there and we hit off extremely well of just two weeks of messaging and a few IM chats. So she asks me out and I happily agree since she was always rather busy with work and school and her social life so I could never see a time when she was available. Now the first problem is she just shy of 80 miles from me but its disregarded at first and we meet halfway and a nice little first date of mini golf and dinner. So this girl is very cool. We spend the evening talking of Ghostbusters, dinosaurs, pirates and where does Spider-Man keep his penis. Like it felt very natural and there wasn't any first date apprehension or surprises even considering we had been talking for a few weeks. I was so into just talking with her and having fun that I really didn't even check her out other then her face from the talking but she is so extremely gorgeous.

So exactly a week later we have another date. We were both very excited about seeing each other again. Now the in between the two dates all our emails (which we did during our daily work hours) were just casual fun chats and thats it and a little planning here and there for the second date. Now this date was me going to her and us doing things to keep the date original. We both liked the idea that we both found somebody that wants adventure. So the date goes well. At the end of the night she gives me a picture of a Raptor she drew for me which she was very happy about and I liked her other drawings she showed me. Since we were still in the car and it was obvious she wanted to be on her way since cause the parking lot was weird and dark, I spoke up rather quickly how I'd like to see her again and how great it was hanging out with her. She agreed and said she was happy she found me and I mention how I don't want to go the route of just friends since it was really easy to see that route with us. She says she also doesn't want that to happen but says she “wants to take it slow” and I said ok with that. Now this was all said very quickly alright so I give her a quick peck on the cheek and tell her to have a safe night and I jet out and drive off. So pretty good second date.

Now here is where I think I started going wrong. On the long drive home I started reviewing the night in my head. During the date we talked about our aspirations and just how life is going for each of us. I have a laid back cushy technical job in the military where I am pretty happy but that can change in a couple years once I transfer and I also plan to just make a career out of it. She has an ok job and is after her degree and she is very much a go getter and very strong willed but all of her plans revolved about staying in her city. And taking it slow could mean trouble since I transfer in two years. So this shot up red flags that this wasn't going to work out in the long run and I got a little upset and was wondering if I should end it before I have any good feelings grow because I can easily see myself falling deeply in love with her. Now I know I shouldn't be thinking so much on the future after just a second date but going out with basically my dream girl these good thoughts happen.

So the next day we IM each other and talk about how cool the date was and nonsense. Ok here is the bad part of me in relationships and I know I did bad even before I said this to her. I can't keep personal secrets to myself and I have to just let them out because they naw at me (as you can see from the post). Since I was already feeling so comfortable with her I basically sent her that above paragraph. Yeah fuck me. She took it pretty well and told me not to be afraid of love and told me her past with love and explained why she wants to take it slow because of old wounds that need to be healed. And with that she went to town on telling me how awesome I was and how great it is she met me and how good looking I was and how happy she was after each date. So I was like wow that did not go as bad as I imagined. I tell her that I am very down with taking it slow and how its even better that we live so far apart since that should help. So later that day she invites me to go hiking with her on memorial day with another couple whom she was friends with. I said yes and I was happy.

Come the hike we both had a lot of fun and hold hands for the first time and do all the casual touching. Once we get back to town and I was sure the day was over, she pipes up and tells the other couple that she wants to leave with me to her place and if that was cool with everybody. I, a bit shocked since I took that “taking it slow” to heart, said sure. We go to her place and order pizza. She's about to go off and take a shower and I tell her “how thats not fair since I got just as dirty too” playfully. So she gives sad face and says she's sorry and gives us our first kiss and then runs off. I stand there stunned for a sec. So we eat and watch City Slickers. We have a tickle fight and I get us into cuddling and have some quick kisses here and there. After the movie I start making out with her and after thats done its late and we kiss and say bye. And it all feels good and life is great.

Ok so since I very much respected her wanting to take it slow and liked her quite a bit I very much decided to play it very safe. This is strike two on me. I would follow her lead on everything so as not to do anything that could have been seen as way too forward. Now I stay myself entirely but my dating self would become very cautious since in every other relationship I have had moved quickly and I became good at that. So since she wants to kiss and cuddle then that frees me on that so I'd kiss, touch and cuddle whenever I wanted now but anything else she has to show me its ok. So come the next two dates which she sets and shows that she is very much into seeing me again and again. The next date is a quick one since she is passing through my town for a job she has the next day. So dinner and a movie and kissing and cuddling at the theater. Now come Saturday. The big one.

She is free all day and just wants to hang out at my place the whole time and maybe see a bit of the area. So we have a nice walk, eat Chinese, watch The Wrath of Khan (which she wanted to see badly for the first time) and then get bizzay. Now before that happens we're just laying on the couch talking about Spock and after a pause I pop the question....so how do you feel about us? She says “I feel kinda numb about us. But I'am happy and this feels nice right now.” So that just weirds me the fuck out but I tell her I like her and its great hanging out with her. So we start making out and it gets pretty hot and we end up having some what I think was very good sex. Once done we lay there with each other and kiss for a long time. Then she starts getting dressed and I do the same and then we lay on the bed and talk about Star Wars. She says wants to sleep in her own bed and not worry about when she'd get home the next day if she did stay. So we have one last deep kiss and she is off. I feel amazing and think my life is the greatest thing ever.

So five days go by and we email and IM about whatever as usual. So at the end of one email on the Wednesday after that Saturday I drop the quick question “Still feeling numb?” and that was just small little question nothing too serious. She comes back at me with a long email saying and I quote:

“So am I still feeling numb? I keep dodging the emotional questions because I still honestly don't know. And my instinct is to sit here and say that it seems different then in the past, but if I really think about it, its not. The first guy I was ever with, told me he loved me after 2 weeks. I didn't say it back to him til after 2 months. The same story goes for another guy I dated a year and a half ago (although actually I never ended up telling him I loved him too). I think of myself as a romantic, and yet I actually don't fall head over heels for people right away. When I know it, I know it. What I do know is that I'm continually amazed and happy with the fact that we share so much in common. I like that looking back on these handful of dates that I was able to be completely myself the entire time. I can't say thats always happened in the past for me, so this has been really refreshing. :-) I find you attractive. I loved your apartment, how it was decorated, your Tawnee, your bedroom... everything made me feel so comfortable and normal there. I REALLY like us hanging out. But I guess what you really want to know is if I want to start thinking of this as more than just dating.. and I'm not ready for that. Not yet at least. I really don't know how comfortable I am with the distance. But thats not the big issue. I don't really know what the issue is.. I just know 3 things for certain... 1.) I like you. I think you're great! 2.) I like us hanging out and have enjoyed myself every time. 3.) But I don't have romantic feelings. Not yet at least. Of course I can't sit here and say what it'll take or how long for those feelings to mature and solidify.

I guess its up to you. Its not my intention whatsoever to sit here and drag you along. And I'd still like us to see each other, but maybe you should set the terms of that since I haven't been able to sort my own feelings out yet. And yes, I'm sorry.. I know I've been a little distant and wierd these last few days. I didn't give you a proper answer during our talk on your couch because I couldn't think of a proper one then, hardly any better than I'm doing now. =( “

So I am like ok that sounds just fine but whoa who said anything about “love”? So my next email to her just describes how I feel about love in general and how its big to me but I am not in love with her, yet. And just what kind stuff of I am dating for: the person, not just for a fuck buddy or what have you, and of course sharing a life with this person. I was basically just talking out loud in it but nothing crazy or desperate sounding. If anyone wants to see that email I sent I'll post it too. Anyways this was strike three I think on me. She replies back saying how she took my email and did some serious soul searching and said she wants “something casual without any sort of pressure.” So I replied that I took that as just keep it as dating and we aren't even remotely anything serious and how I was cool with that. She replies that she is tired of talking about “us” and she wants a mini-vacation from me and she will talk to me after the weekend. So after that I felt like I just screwed up the best thing ever to happen to me cause I expressed my feelings.

So almost a week goes by with no communication when she does email me its just what she has been doing the past few days. All further talks were again nonsense with no talking about anything romantic which I was really afraid to bring up just to how she reacted. So passes another week and I mention in passing how we should hang out again and she immediately invites me over. So I am hesitant just because of before and that she said we won't do much cause she has homework she needs doing but she'd like me just being around. So I drive over and say to myself just act like a friend today and slowly go back to how we were before. We go eat sushi and then go back to her place where I play Flower while she does her homework and we talk very little once at her place. After a few hours I left and we hugged goodbye. We didn't kiss at all or do any casual touching the whole time but I never felt awkward and she seemed like her normal fun self the whole time. I went home feeling meh and in regret by not kissing her but all in all ok after not seeing her for two weeks and our personal discussions before.

So the next day same as always in communication but in the last email of the work day I mention how it felt good to see her again and how I didn't mind just being in the background. And also said how funny it was that the day before made it exactly a month since I met her in person. Yeah I don't think I should ever mention time again. She replies saying how since I mentioned that she could tell I was very much into still trying make this a romantic relationship. That yesterday was a test to see if she still felt anything with me and she didn't. She likes me a lot as a person and a friend and enjoyed that but she didn't feel anything else the day before. So there I was reading this and just amazed. So later that day I IM her and tell her why like this why couldn't you tell me in person since I was there and how I really don't get it. She proceeds to tell me how great I am and its I who she should want but she thinks she should find somebody who is different and she thinks the opposites attract theory might be better for her. Now she types fast and every time I tried to respond to last line she was saying something else. So I at least get out that this sucks but its her life and she should do whatever she wants that will make her happy. She says she hopes we could still be friends and then jets offline.

All in all I didn't feel that sad but just a little mind fucked and like what happened here? So I send my last email ever to her just asking short and nicely if we could at least talk about this in person. Not trying to get back together but just whats going on and what happens with us. She says no and gave me some blunt honesty (which I did ask for back in that email when we discussed her numbness) how I seem very insecure about relationships, she didn't like the distance, she likes me but not like likes me and I didn't kiss the way she likes it. She was sorry she said those things and hated that it felt like she was beating up on me cause I am such a great guy but she can't do this anymore and it might hurt any kind of friendship since I have reason to resent her now. And then goodbye.

So I was like wow. This is crazy. I actually like the criticisms and fine she doesn't like me that way and I guess I kiss funny (where as I thought she was very sloppy haha). But after all that I didn't mind and was like well guess we'll just be friends which I am very cool with since she is very cool and yeah the romance wasn't there for me either but whatever such is life and dating. But that email sounded as if I killed her cat in front of her and was some guy who kept poking her saying “do you love me yet? Do you love me yet?” And I don't think I was like that at all and other then the places I know I did wrong I think I was a normal guy dating a girl but I can't tell her that because I have been totally cut off. Blocked on IM and emails and I haven't tried phones since I really don't care that much and it feels creepy if I try communication too hard. This all just makes me feel like I was a weirdo and I can't date right at all.

Ok yeah so I a shit ton of words and a story most don't care about since its not you. But for the ones that do care about stupid drama....how badly did I fuck up? I know this is very one sided but trust me that this is all the truth and pretty much everything that happened in the one month that really mattered. All the communication but the ones I mentioned were basically SE++ threads between us. Total bullshit talk for fun and she contacted me first with most to just talk. Now I have talked about this with friends. We have all agreed that I was very very stupid about talking about my feelings so early and yeah I will never let those slip out in the next relationship. And I gotta learn to keep my personal thoughts to myself and not share them so easily. And the one thing I always felt was wrong during this was that after our first makeout session was that she was lusty and she was just on a lust high with a some guy. So maybe she just wanted a fuck but didn't want a totally random dude where as I wanted to fuck too but because I liked her so much.

So yeah this isn't me asking how do I get on good terms with her again because yeah thats over and done with with her and I accept any issues she had. I just want to know what others who don't know me think how I fared and what they can see was really wrong. Obviously one answer is that this is just how she deals with break ups.

Tl;dr
Dream girl breaks up with me and totally cut me off and I am too lost to know what went really wrong to deserve that.

kaliyama

Um. You were dating for a month and there was no chemistry. The fact that you wrote this much about a girl you had been "dating" for like a month means you're probably overaggressive and clingy, too. Nobody likes someone who is too clingy.

HyperAquaBlast

Yeah I thought some one would say that but the fact is all that I wrote is all that happened. I'm very laid back and just let whatever happen. Yeah I can care and did care about her but I was mostly just wait see.

If you read anything in there you'd see that she was the one that started everything and was talking to me.

And yeah it was just a month and it's why I'm not to distressed by her really just how I did in general.

Kyougu

What happened? This happened.

HyperAquaBlast wrote:

Now here is where I think I started going wrong. On the long drive home I started reviewing the night in my head. During the date we talked about our aspirations and just how life is going for each of us. I have a laid back cushy technical job in the military where I am pretty happy but that can change in a couple years once I transfer and I also plan to just make a career out of it. She has an ok job and is after her degree and she is very much a go getter and very strong willed but all of her plans revolved about staying in her city. And taking it slow could mean trouble since I transfer in two years. So this shot up red flags that this wasn't going to work out in the long run and I got a little upset and was wondering if I should end it before I have any good feelings grow because I can easily see myself falling deeply in love with her. Now I know I shouldn't be thinking so much on the future after just a second date but going out with basically my dream girl these good thoughts happen.

Now here is where I think I started going wrong. On the long drive home I started reviewing the night in my head. During the date we talked about our aspirations and just how life is going for each of us. I have a laid back cushy technical job in the military where I am pretty happy but that can change in a couple years once I transfer and I also plan to just make a career out of it. She has an ok job and is after her degree and she is very much a go getter and very strong willed but all of her plans revolved about staying in her city. And taking it slow could mean trouble since I transfer in two years. So this shot up red flags that this wasn't going to work out in the long run and I got a little upset and was wondering if I should end it before I have any good feelings grow because I can easily see myself falling deeply in love with her. Now I know I shouldn't be thinking so much on the future after just a second date but going out with basically my dream girl these good thoughts happen.

Dude, it's the second date. You HAD to freak her out with talk about this. She probably was looking for something casual and you got clingy.

It's not all your fault. I have no idea what she was thinking sleeping with you, since she just lead you on.

HyperAquaBlast

Yeah Kyougu I totally agree on that. I have so regretted ever since I pressed enter in AIM that day. But we were so buddy buddy by that point not including the dates that it felt ok just for a friendly counter point with her.

eternalbl

You were constantly analyzing where this whole situation would go instead of just enjoying the time you 2 spent together, and that is where you went wrong.

Kyanilis

You are over thinking things. It sounds like she thought she might of wanted something and decided to back out before it got too serious. You were definitely pushing towards the serious thing, but I don't think she wanted a relationship to begin with. She did a lot of leading you on and then when it got too far she backed out. And within a month of dating? Yeah, this happens. Stop over analyzing it. You guys obviously got along, you wanted a relationship, she didn't.

Sure sure, you could of not talked about how you felt and you might even of squeezed another month of this out of her, but the end result would probably of been the same. And you even more confused.

Simpsonia

Sounds kinda like what I've gone through the last two months. I wont get into any details but dude, don't sweat it. I don't know how old either of you are, but she sounds young. I've noticed especially when I date girls who are 3 or 4 years younger than me, they don't know what the fuck they want.

There's really nothing you could do or could have done. You are the person you are. If you wanted to talk about feelings or a potential relationship (which despite your protests of keeping it casual, you did, and you know deep down you want,) there's really no preventing that because that's the person you are. You want certainty of some degree. She doesn't because it freaks her out.

If I've learned anything from my years of dating (granted I'm only 26) but really the only way for things to work is if both people are at similar points and levels of maturity in their life.

Seriously, don't sweat it, it's uncontrollable. Even if you hadn't tried to talk about "you guys" it would have been something else end. Chemistry, compatibility, all required and yes you two had them, but the prob was you most likely didn't have comparable levels of maturity, and unfortunately that's also required. And through the relationship I just mentioned is possibly one of the greatest life lessons I've ever learned, and it is this: Most girls don't know what the fuck they want out of life, they cant admit it to themselves or others, and if two people aren't at the exact same points (ie what they want out of life), it never had a chance to start with no matter what you do or did. All changing your behavior would do is either hasten or prolong the inevitable.

DodgeBlan

the girl wrote:

You seem very insecure about relationships, I don't like the distance, I likes you but don't like likes you and you didn't kiss the way I like.

Also Simpsonia you are wayyyy wrong.

RocketSauce

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I'd feel mind fucked too and want to figure out what the fuck was going on if I was having awesome dates, making out, and fucked a girl who later told me she didn't know if she had 'romantic feelings' for me. I'm about as laid back a guy as you can find, but that would rattle my sabre as well. If I dig this chick, and it seems like she digs me, I'd want to know what the fuck was going on. But you obviously know the answer -- bitch crazy.

Simpsonia

DodgeBlan wrote: »

the girl wrote:

You seem very insecure about relationships, I don't like the distance, I likes you but don't like likes you and you didn't kiss the way I like.

Also Simpsonia you are wayyyy wrong.

Really? Why is that? It would be much more helpful if you could, you know point out your counter arguments, rather than rather simply assert that someone is completely wrong.

I stand by everything I said.

And RocketSauce, you're correct in that would be the diagnosis, bitch crazy. But and that is I guess the underlying basis of my assertions earlier. What we guys assert as bitch crazy is basically that women never know what it is they want out of life. They eventually figure it out but for every woman it comes at a different age. Could be 20, could be 50, but until then we as guys just have to accept that fact that often times it's completely beyond our control, because at our core we can't change who we are just because they dont know what they want.

Zombiemambo

RocketSauce wrote: »

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I'd feel mind fucked too and want to figure out what the fuck was going on if I was having awesome dates, making out, and fucked a girl who later told me she didn't know if she had 'romantic feelings' for me. I'm about as laid back a guy as you can find, but that would rattle my sabre as well. If I dig this chick, and it seems like she digs me, I'd want to know what the fuck was going on. But you obviously know the answer -- bitch crazy.

Pretty much. The advice I seem to give out in these threads more than anything else is pretty simple:

She's fucking with you.

(There's more to it than that, but this relationship is over so it's not relevant)

DodgeBlan

Simpsonia wrote: »

DodgeBlan wrote: »

the girl wrote:

You seem very insecure about relationships, I don't like the distance, I likes you but don't like likes you and you didn't kiss the way I like.

Also Simpsonia you are wayyyy wrong.

Really? Why is that? It would be much more helpful if you could, you know point out your counter arguments, rather than rather simply assert that someone is completely wrong.

I stand by everything I said.

And RocketSauce, you're correct in that would be the diagnosis, bitch crazy. But and that is I guess the underlying basis of my assertions earlier. What we guys assert as bitch crazy is basically that women never know what it is they want out of life. They eventually figure it out but for every woman it comes at a different age. Could be 20, could be 50, but until then we as guys just have to accept that fact that often times it's completely beyond our control, because at our core we can't change who we are just because they dont know what they want.

Because its not healthy or sane to be thinking about two years in the future on your second date. If you asked me where any of my relationships would have been in 2 years in the second date, I would probably have tried to tell you, but I would have been wrong.

And you are honestly trying tell me that the girl doesn't know what she wants and AquaBlast does? He latches onto this girl over the period of a couple of dates as 'The girl of his dreams'? because she can do SE++ style junk food pop culture conversations and she is hot?
She knows what she wants. It's not him.

To most people, if you go on a few dates with someone and then they are freaking out and talking about 'the relationship' and telling you that they don't know how what to do in 2 years, it makes it really hard to just have a good time with someone.

So maybe they did have some chemistry, but the fastest way to kill any chemical reaction is to remove the oxygen. And that's what happened here.

kaliyama

HyperAquaBlast wrote: »

Yeah I thought some one would say that but the fact is all that I wrote is all that happened. I'm very laid back and just let whatever happen. Yeah I can care and did care about her but I was mostly just wait see.

If you read anything in there you'd see that she was the one that started everything and was talking to me.

And yeah it was just a month and it's why I'm not to distressed by her really just how I did in general.

Yes, but that you'll take the time to do so, and the way you write - with inadequate punctuation and grammar, in a loose stream of consciousness fashion, and without a feel or ability to sort out relevant facts from irrelevant facts, suggests to me that you are probably not an effective communicator in real life, either. That you are confused here and are defensive or eager to explain away things on the thread suggests that you have trouble assessing how others perceive you and what behavior is considered normal by non-otaku.

I wrote what I wrote not because I TLDR'd you - I read the entire thing - it just sounds like she's messing with you and you had zero ability to perceive this. I think your problems are structural, not with any particular misstep here, so i'm at a bit of a loss as to where to start with recommendations.

Well. I guess the first question is: How old are you?

ApexMirage

She says you're insecure, and then you prove her right with "Ok yeah so I a shit ton of words and a story most don't care about since its not you."

Live and learn. Some things you should plan ahead for, but relationships are just the opposite - the more you plan, the more will go wrong. Enjoy the time you spend together, live it one day at a time and forget the future. You'll cross that bridge when you get to it.

DodgeBlan wrote: »

the fastest way to kill any chemical reaction is to remove the oxygen. And that's what happened here.

HyperAquaBlast

the girl wrote:

You seem very insecure about relationships, I don't like the distance, I likes you but don't like likes you and you didn't kiss the way I like.

Yeah this is all reasonable and if that's what she didn't like and wanted out then I completely understand. I'm not that lost or dumb that I couldn't tell where I fucked up and what would scare someone and that its over. I didn't want to mess up and of course did by trying to hard not to.

I'm 25 and she is 26.

I do have a problem thinking towards the future with most dates now a days. With me I of course just did the pick up whoever back in my late teens and early twenties just for some action. Didn't have anything serious till last year so there is that issue. Now that I realize time moves pretty fast for me(recent years are going by like a blur) then I just think it will hit me one day and be like fuck I am 40 now and what do I have? So will try to fix this problem and push it to the back of my head and have fun again. Don't worry though I don't pour those thoughts with everyone and I slipped up on this one.

Yeah stream of conscious when I type about life. Its almost like therapy for me writing so much and getting it off my chest. Should I fix this? Like I don't do Livejournal or whatever cause I think its dumb but then I do this. Also wrote this to see what others think and see what I am not seeing and I guess someone would need details which I gave in spades. Plus there is the big fact I am talking so much about this that there is the other problem that I analyzed this way too much. Trust me that this is one of the few things I really put real thought into compared to the rest of my life however bad that may sound with anything.

The big thing that was bothering me was just how it turned out. I am completely honest in that I was acting casual the whole time because that is how I roll but also cause it sounded like thats what she wanted. Other then those things and times I pointed out I never became "boyfriendy" and knew I was just dating someone. We talked when we talked and we hung out when we did. We were cool with each other. I didn't even use the word "date", she did. When I was home I proceeded with life until something else came up. But if you see me as clingy then that what you guys see then thats good cause it shows what I couldn't see.

DodgeBlan wrote:

To most people, if you go on a few dates with someone and then they are freaking out and talking about 'the relationship' and telling you that they don't know how what to do in 2 years, it makes it really hard to just have a good time with someone.

Yeah that again was my bad. This was the domino that I know probably freaked her out.

Thanks again for the replies and thoughts.

DodgeBlan

Honestly I don't think you really need our insights very much with this one because it seems like she was 100% honest with you. The problem is no one on the forum can tell how much chemistry she felt/didn't feel towards you at each stage of dating.

A lesson is learned, the damage is not irreversible.

rfalias

Really, you had like 3 or 4 dates and thats it. Just move on and don't over think it.
I know it's easier said than done, but it just doesn't always work out. She wasn't interested in going any further and there isn't much you can do.

EggyToast

Yeah, she liked you enough to have sex with you, but decided that she wasn't into you enough to want to make something long-term. She says that she's slow to actually like a dude, so that's something you can place on her. Whether you were too open with your feelings or not is a different story.

I do think it was a bit weird to bring up "two year plans" because the big reason you're doing so is because you might move, and you're essentially saying "I'm probably moving in two years and want you to think about moving with me." Which is kind of a big deal when you haven't even had sex yet, or know if you really click.

It sounds like her idea of "slow" differed from your idea. You thought slow meant "physically" but she meant it "emotionally." But she was honest with you, thinks that you're cool, but didn't see it happening for the long term. So enjoy what you had, and that's that.

Note that I don't think it's wrong to bring up future plans that you have, especially when you're feeling a little fluxy yourself, but you may want to wait until you're feeling a bit more long-term about the girl.

Sarcastro

I might hit this one up again later, but just a couple points. One, complete cutoff might seem a bit harsh, but think of how many time that sort of advice gets doled out here. Walk away and don't look back. Usually because there's something there, but the big picture is lacking. So don't take it it too hard, I don't think it means you were an ubertool, I just think it means thing didn't work out.

As for why, well, you seem to think its because you came on way to string when she wanted to take things slow. You also hint that bedtime was alright but that she didn't seem to think so. The casual ways the dates were going- it all points to mediocre chemistry. Just not feelin' it. Shes old enough to know what its like when you have awesome chemistry. That's what she wants. You weren't it.

It not a huge deal, you just weren't right. Some people look great 'on paper' that is, the have the same interests and taste, goals, hobbies- whatever. They seem like good matches. But in reality, its only okay, only medium average. Some people want more. You should want more.

This is not a bad ending. It's a good one. Not a fantastic one, but good. You met someone, you tried it out, it wasn't working, so it ended. Not because you're a dick, or wierd, or theres something wrong with you. You just weren't her romantic type. Go get the next one, and maybe she will be. And its awesome you aren't dragging the corpse of this one behind you for six months while you do. Its a clean cut, it'll heal well. Learn to appreciate that, because I can tell you, it's not always that way.

Ioga

I really think it's best to let women initiate those kinds of discussions.

I think you should read this article.

It rings true to me and what I've always thought about relationships.

Honestly though, just move past this and keep looking. Don't be too anxious or hurried - that can be a turn-off.

HyperAquaBlast

Haha oh augh geez that link hit hard. Thanks Ioga. Good read.

Well to talk about being a nice guy or insecure about myself its a little of column A and a little of B. Yeah I'm a nice guy in general because who wants to be a dick? But I'm not a Ned Flanders or let people walk all over me type of guy just to make them like me. I do believe in treat others how you want to be treated though. I'm nice to people but I have that cliche cool guy attitude where I just look out for number one if I have to make an analogy.

I'm not sure on the insecurity. The fact I even think about it (and made this thread) probably means I'm a tad insecure though. For the past decade I have always been me and do whatever makes me happy regardless of what others think. I'm just so apathetic at times and laid back that some people think I just don't care about anything though. But I never thought about being insecure till this past week.

Anyways yeah I was the typical "nice guy" with this girl compared to any of the others. About 85% was true of me from that link Ioga gave. I dunno why I got so hung up on the "taking it slow". Its the first time anyone has put that on the table for me and it was a girl who had every single quality I could ever want in a person who had to say it. I was having fun but I kept trying to analyze it that instead of dating and enjoying it I became very scientific and cautious of the whole situation.

I know it sounds like I may be still hung up on this whole event but I'm pretty whatever on it all. Going to take another break from girls again and then just go with the flow like before once I get back into the game later. Just sucks how hard it is to find a girl who has so much in common and is still single out here. I am really done with making compromises with women. I used to be picky but nothing happened so I then lowered my standards and then lowered them again and then I was like why? Why do that when these girls you meet don't make you happy? Go after who you really want.

Ioga

Just sucks how hard it is to find a girl who has so much in common and is still single out here. I am really done with making compromises with women. I used to be picky but nothing happened so I then lowered my standards and then lowered them again and then I was like why? Why do that when these girls you meet don't make you happy? Go after who you really want.

The advice "just be yourself" is so universally given for a reason. It's true. It can be hard sometimes, because most of us are pretty insecure and have doubts about ourselves, but it's for the best, usually.

Just understand - There are lots and lots and lots of women out there, and even though you think there might be one girl for you, that's not necessarily the case. And I don't know where this "having things in common" stuff came about. What's essential is that you like the lady, and the lady likes you. I figure most women want someone who likes himself and has a sense of humor (seriously, if you can make her laugh you're in). I think this, because that's pretty much what I want from a woman. If you can find those things in someone else, the majority of other stuff between you is pretty well moot. Political, religious, hobbies - the distances between these things aren't that big when attraction is involved. Learning about and being exposed to the differences in other people's lives can enrich yours - don't be afraid of not having things in common with someone.

Taking yourself and the relationship you're in too seriously will hinder that pretty... well, seriously. If you have to try to make someone like you or want to be around you, things are bad. I'm not saying you don't have to make compromises in a relationship, but your happiness should never be on the table.

What takes precedence over everything else is enjoyment of being with the other person while being yourself. That can be really hard when you want love or are very attracted to someone, but you have to try to do that as best as you can. Things fall into place or they don't, and if they don't move on. There's many more people waiting for you to try your hand with.

HyperAquaBlast

I dunno why I like the idea of meeting somebody who is like me. Sounds weird cause you are basically dating yourself and there won't be much new. Just like the idea of having a best friend who I can also get naked with. And my good friends were always on the same wavelength. Change is good but I don't agree with the opposites attract thing works for me.

But good stuff Ioga. Seriously thanks. Got me all optimistic.

JebusUD

Maybe go for girls with similar interests instead of identical interests. You really don't have to be the same person, just interested in some of the same kinds of things, and generally have the same kinds of views on the big issues.