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Am I an asshole? (re: social networking stuff)
Drez
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I know that the posed question sans parenthetical is fairly cut-and-dry allowing for very little debate, so I'll specify what I am referring to, in particular, as I would like to know where others stand on the issue.
So my entire immediate family (mother, sister, and now my father) has joined Facebook. When I signed up with Facebook, I used it primarily to keep in touch with coworkers, ex-colleagues, and people I went to college and high school with. Since then it has grown and I now keep in touch with various people I interact with on a daily (read: nightly) basis.
I am currently living with my immediate family. As it is, I'm not terribly comfortable with the amount of information available about me on Facebook. I have my profile nearly completely restricted now so that if I do not add you, you cannot see anything except my friend's list. You can still find my profile through a google search, but that's it. Many people have their profiles set this way now.
I just feel that, at least while still living here, I'd rather not have my immediate family privy to all my comings and goings - where, when, and with who. I post stuff to Facebook that I wouldn't really share with my family verbally, so there is virtually no difference between me not sharing this information with them in person or by not allowing them to read it on my profile.
I've tried to explain this, particularly to my sister, and I think she's hurt, but I think she understands. There are other reasons - I wouldn't invite my mother or father out to the bar with me, so I really don't want them mixing in with my peers. My sister had a habit of sending really weird wall posts to me on MySpace (which I've since abandoned) and I'd really like to keep my Facebook at least semi-professional without my sister throwing graffiti at it.
Besides, I interact with my immediate family daily. I don't think it is necessary to add them to Facebook as well.
Is there something wrong or rude about this?
I am sure, of course, that it depends largely on your relationship with your family. I'm just curious what other people think on this subject. It doesn't have to be restricted to your family. Would you/do you have your peer roommates on Facebook with you, for instance?
Feel free to discuss anything else along this vein if you feel the subject is too narrow.
So my entire immediate family (mother, sister, and now my father) has joined Facebook. When I signed up with Facebook, I used it primarily to keep in touch with coworkers, ex-colleagues, and people I went to college and high school with. Since then it has grown and I now keep in touch with various people I interact with on a daily (read: nightly) basis.
I am currently living with my immediate family. As it is, I'm not terribly comfortable with the amount of information available about me on Facebook. I have my profile nearly completely restricted now so that if I do not add you, you cannot see anything except my friend's list. You can still find my profile through a google search, but that's it. Many people have their profiles set this way now.
I just feel that, at least while still living here, I'd rather not have my immediate family privy to all my comings and goings - where, when, and with who. I post stuff to Facebook that I wouldn't really share with my family verbally, so there is virtually no difference between me not sharing this information with them in person or by not allowing them to read it on my profile.
I've tried to explain this, particularly to my sister, and I think she's hurt, but I think she understands. There are other reasons - I wouldn't invite my mother or father out to the bar with me, so I really don't want them mixing in with my peers. My sister had a habit of sending really weird wall posts to me on MySpace (which I've since abandoned) and I'd really like to keep my Facebook at least semi-professional without my sister throwing graffiti at it.
Besides, I interact with my immediate family daily. I don't think it is necessary to add them to Facebook as well.
Is there something wrong or rude about this?
I am sure, of course, that it depends largely on your relationship with your family. I'm just curious what other people think on this subject. It doesn't have to be restricted to your family. Would you/do you have your peer roommates on Facebook with you, for instance?
Feel free to discuss anything else along this vein if you feel the subject is too narrow.
Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
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Also, tl;dr, what's the crux of the OP?
https://medium.com/@alascii
EDIT: Or mix their social circles in general.
Sure, but I'd basically want to restrict my family from (a) seeing things and (b) posting to my wall. Which leaves nothing.
dang, that sucks. I just don't show the pictures. Either your wall is pretty edgy or your family is conservative as fuck.
https://medium.com/@alascii
And I think this is just a sign of...Growing pains, let's say. It'll take a little time for people to get used to the idea that restricting information isn't saying the restrictor doesn't like them, it's just like not telling them about the restrictor's barcrawling escapades or whatever. The software will get more elaborate and people will group things better. You'll have a version of your Facebookspacetwitter-super-page your boss sees, your mother sees, your girlfriend sees, your best friend sees, your sports buddies see, your RPG playing buddies see, your artist buddies see, etc. etc. etc., and it'll just all level out and be considered normal to withhold parts of oneself like that.
However, how the OP feels about his family is how I feel about my coworkers. I do not want my coworkers to know my comings and goings during my personal life. If a coworker or boss is judgmental about my decisions, that can impede my opportunities for advancement, interfere with cooperation, impact the level of respect I get at work, or at worst result in me losing my job.
So when my coworkers find me on Facebook, I simply ignore them. If they ask me to my face why I didn't add them, I tell them point blank, "I don't let coworkers see my Facebook. It's really nothing personal. Once one of us quits, I'll be happy to friend you."
Most of the time my coworkers will take minor offense to that, but I'd rather deal with a mild one-time offense than worry about whether or not my status message is going to reflect poorly upon me every time I change it.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Then again, for me, Facebook is more of a chat tool than anything. Occasional status updates and linking new pictures when I get a chance to (or remember to) take them.
I accomplish this without hurting feelings by leaving them in a permanent state of limbo where they've already asked to friend me and I've "just never gotten around to responding to it".
It helps to develop a reputation for forgetting to check stuff like this in advance.
Protip, if you're on a Mafia War mass add email list. Do not allow people to have access to your personal information.
I also miss the days when it was college accounts only.
I agree with everything in this post.
I don't think you're one, Drez. It sounds like your family needs to understand that, oh my god, you're a grown-up. My mother didn't get this when I moved into an apartment with my girlfriend. My mother didn't get this when I got my first house. My mother didn't get this when I got my second house. Unfortunately, a serious discussion where you take the lead and declare what 'is to be' is what solves the problem for good. And if you've usually just forced your parents to accept who you are in the past by doing your own thing and letting them accept it over time (totally might not be your personal experience but it was mine) then be aware it WILL change your relationship permanently.
If you just want to defuse the situation:
You need to make a second 'you' on facebook, and use that one to communicate with your family so that they don't feel like you're snubbing them from interacting with you electronically. You're doing it for sensible reasons, but they probably feel you're doing it to avoid interacting with them. If they're not big into tech, and you are, then this is a (perceived) double-snub, because they will think of you as someone who desires to use facebook, and not understand why you don't desire to use it with them.
But no, you aren't an asshole. Your life is your life.
reciprocating a friend request is not some kind of socially expected behavior. They ask for access to my page, and then I answer either yes or no. Either answer is acceptable.
I kinda wish I was mature enough to take this attitude, but I'm not. :P
I see a flaw in the multiple Facebook accounts though, if only for the nuisance of having to sign out and into separate accounts.
I'm really looking forward to when baby boomers start getting in trouble for having too much info up on their pages.
My father and his friends use facebook more than I ever have
This is a lot of extra work to avoid what? having to say "sorry, no"
It just seems silly and passive agressive to me. Tell your family that they are your family, not your friends, and be done with it.
I also turn down people on Facebook, and get turned down. My page is geared towards friends and family, and I have fun and non-incriminatory (or slightly incriminatory) stuff on it. But I systematically turn down my students when they try to add me, and I would turn down colleagues if they asked. I see Facebook as an extension of my personal life, and I keep it completely separate from my professional life.
Of course, I always send a polite message explaining this to students when I turn them down in Facebook. Likewise, I've been rejected as a friend by a girl who wanted to keep her Facebook family-only, and who sent me a message explaining that. I was cool with that.
tl;dr: people use Facebook for different reasons and to reach different groups of people, and are free to reject (politely) people outside these groups. People who don't understand that and feel entitled to see someone else's Facebook page for some reason are assholes.
Of course, this has never happened to me personally, I am speaking purely hypothetically. Hahaha... ha.
Well, this gets more in to the realm of what is appropriate to put on the internet, in general.
Ultimately, the internet is NOT a private place. Not in the least. Even if you are denying people access to your page, you still shouldn't have information that you don't want them to have on there, in general, because it CAN get out.
Though with all the stupid test being taken these days, I'm tempted to start mass ignoring what people do and say.
you can easily turn off your wall ( I used to turn it off every year around my birthday, because I don't care for wellwishers who are only saying things SO THAT other people can see them saying it.)
or, you tell your partner that you're not out, so if he says anything like that, it is over. Chances are, the larger issue there is a disagreement about being out, not a squabble about a post on the internet.
Anyway, it's not exactly a problem for me, just thought i'd share one of those delightful complications facebook allows you to experience when you're not-exactly-out. (That said, I think it's pretty telling when someone doesn't list their 'Interested In'.)
Welcome to life.
The fact is, you shouldn't be doing things you are ashamed of, or ashamed of the things that you are doing, in the first place.
The easiest solution is to just live your life openly.