Am I an asshole? (re: social networking stuff)

DrezDrez Registered User regular
edited June 2009 in Debate and/or Discourse
I know that the posed question sans parenthetical is fairly cut-and-dry allowing for very little debate, so I'll specify what I am referring to, in particular, as I would like to know where others stand on the issue.

So my entire immediate family (mother, sister, and now my father) has joined Facebook. When I signed up with Facebook, I used it primarily to keep in touch with coworkers, ex-colleagues, and people I went to college and high school with. Since then it has grown and I now keep in touch with various people I interact with on a daily (read: nightly) basis.

I am currently living with my immediate family. As it is, I'm not terribly comfortable with the amount of information available about me on Facebook. I have my profile nearly completely restricted now so that if I do not add you, you cannot see anything except my friend's list. You can still find my profile through a google search, but that's it. Many people have their profiles set this way now.

I just feel that, at least while still living here, I'd rather not have my immediate family privy to all my comings and goings - where, when, and with who. I post stuff to Facebook that I wouldn't really share with my family verbally, so there is virtually no difference between me not sharing this information with them in person or by not allowing them to read it on my profile.

I've tried to explain this, particularly to my sister, and I think she's hurt, but I think she understands. There are other reasons - I wouldn't invite my mother or father out to the bar with me, so I really don't want them mixing in with my peers. My sister had a habit of sending really weird wall posts to me on MySpace (which I've since abandoned) and I'd really like to keep my Facebook at least semi-professional without my sister throwing graffiti at it.

Besides, I interact with my immediate family daily. I don't think it is necessary to add them to Facebook as well.

Is there something wrong or rude about this?

I am sure, of course, that it depends largely on your relationship with your family. I'm just curious what other people think on this subject. It doesn't have to be restricted to your family. Would you/do you have your peer roommates on Facebook with you, for instance?

Feel free to discuss anything else along this vein if you feel the subject is too narrow.

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  • KageraKagera Imitating the worst people. Since 2004Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I don't know but I do it too. My sister is into Facebook and Myspace now and when she wanted to add me I lied and said I don't use them.

    Kagera on
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  • Apothe0sisApothe0sis Have you ever questioned the nature of your reality? Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Yes Drez, you are an asshole.

    Also, tl;dr, what's the crux of the OP?
    I think you're being reasonable, Drez. Facebook isn't exactly replete with options for information discrimination

    Apothe0sis on
  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    can't you restrict what individuals can see?

    DodgeBlan on
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  • RussellRussell Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I don't think what you're doing is uncommon. A lot of people don't want their immediate family to know every detail of their personal lives

    EDIT: Or mix their social circles in general.

    Russell on
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  • Torso BoyTorso Boy Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I've had this conversation with friends and family and sometimes you have to work really hard to convince them that you want your space without alienating them. It can be challenging with some people, but that's the nature of relationships. I wish this was easier...it can really strain things. Generally, though, the best of friends & family understand.

    Torso Boy on
  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    can't you restrict what individuals can see?

    Sure, but I'd basically want to restrict my family from (a) seeing things and (b) posting to my wall. Which leaves nothing.

    Drez on
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  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Drez wrote: »
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    can't you restrict what individuals can see?

    Sure, but I'd basically want to restrict my family from (a) seeing things and (b) posting to my wall. Which leaves nothing.

    dang, that sucks. I just don't show the pictures. Either your wall is pretty edgy or your family is conservative as fuck.

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  • yalborapyalborap Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Judging by the OP, I think it's more the opposite, that he doesn't want his wall splattered with random goofy things from his family.

    And I think this is just a sign of...Growing pains, let's say. It'll take a little time for people to get used to the idea that restricting information isn't saying the restrictor doesn't like them, it's just like not telling them about the restrictor's barcrawling escapades or whatever. The software will get more elaborate and people will group things better. You'll have a version of your Facebookspacetwitter-super-page your boss sees, your mother sees, your girlfriend sees, your best friend sees, your sports buddies see, your RPG playing buddies see, your artist buddies see, etc. etc. etc., and it'll just all level out and be considered normal to withhold parts of oneself like that.

    yalborap on
  • FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I don't mind what my family sees. They can take me or leave me, and if they have problem with what I do, they can go fuck themselves.

    However, how the OP feels about his family is how I feel about my coworkers. I do not want my coworkers to know my comings and goings during my personal life. If a coworker or boss is judgmental about my decisions, that can impede my opportunities for advancement, interfere with cooperation, impact the level of respect I get at work, or at worst result in me losing my job.

    So when my coworkers find me on Facebook, I simply ignore them. If they ask me to my face why I didn't add them, I tell them point blank, "I don't let coworkers see my Facebook. It's really nothing personal. Once one of us quits, I'll be happy to friend you."

    Most of the time my coworkers will take minor offense to that, but I'd rather deal with a mild one-time offense than worry about whether or not my status message is going to reflect poorly upon me every time I change it.

    Feral on
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  • kdrudykdrudy Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I have simply told people that I don't add family or co-workers to Facebook, it just won't happen. I don't have anything that would be bad on there, but I just don't think it would be appropriate for those people to in my private life like that.

    kdrudy on
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  • CokebotleCokebotle 穴掘りの 電車内Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    For me, Facebook is mainly for friends. If I wanna stay in contact with my family, I just pick up the phone (Vonage ftw) or email. My mom is on Facebook, but I told her that I'd prefer to keep it just with friends, and she was fine with that.

    Then again, for me, Facebook is more of a chat tool than anything. Occasional status updates and linking new pictures when I get a chance to (or remember to) take them.

    Cokebotle on
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  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I always refuse my 12 year old cousins friend request on Facebook. Maybe when shes older.

    Improvolone on
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  • SpeakerSpeaker Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Seems reasonable.

    Speaker on
  • shrykeshryke Member of the Beast Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I don't accept Facebook friend requests from my mom/dad/aunts/uncles/etc because of this very thing. So your not alone.


    I accomplish this without hurting feelings by leaving them in a permanent state of limbo where they've already asked to friend me and I've "just never gotten around to responding to it".

    It helps to develop a reputation for forgetting to check stuff like this in advance.

    shryke on
  • JaentherJaenther Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I don't see how its reasonable for them to expect to see everything you do if you don't want them to. You have every right to choose what level of privacy you're comfortable with. I do think you should be honest and upfront about why, which is why I think Shryke is kind of an asshole.

    Jaenther on
  • TheRealBadgerTheRealBadger Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I had this conversation with a friend of mine who is a high school teacher. Apparently most of the girls he teaches have three facebook accounts. One for friends, one for family, and one for people they're not sure about (who might graduate to the friends account later on).

    TheRealBadger on
  • Casually HardcoreCasually Hardcore Once an Asshole. Trying to be better. Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I'm not really picky about who accesses my Facebook, though all there ever is on my wall is Mafia War spam nowadays. I keep the bare minimum on my information, and I dont put pictures of people on my account. I like Facebook to keep in touch with people, but I never understand how people can be so comfortable with some of the pictures and information they throw up on their account.

    Protip, if you're on a Mafia War mass add email list. Do not allow people to have access to your personal information.

    Casually Hardcore on
  • Pi-r8Pi-r8 Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I've found that, as I get more and more facebook friends who are family members, former teachers, very young, etc, I post less and less info on facebook. I miss having facebook be college kids only. Still haven't gotten around to actually deleting the embarrassing pictures, but it's probably about time I did that.

    Pi-r8 on
  • DelzhandDelzhand Hard to miss. Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    You could always add them and the immediately unfriend them. They don't get notified of the unfriend, and they can no longer see your updates. They might think you just never update. Not sure how it works if they try to post to your wall, though.

    I also miss the days when it was college accounts only.

    Delzhand on
  • LegacyLegacy Stuck Somewhere In Cyberspace The Grid(Seattle)Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited June 2009
    I'll add them. I just know when to not post things and when to hide things. Not everything that happens needs to be talked about and if they want to know more about something, they can just ask.

    Legacy on
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  • EvanderEvander Disappointed Father Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Apothe0sis wrote: »
    Yes Drez, you are an asshole.

    Also, tl;dr, what's the crux of the OP?
    I think you're being reasonable, Drez. Facebook isn't exactly replete with options for information discrimination

    I agree with everything in this post.

    Evander on
  • EgoEgo Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I often don't approve people or groups (ie one of my employers attempted to add my personal facebook) and usually I don't even explain why. I am a bit of an asshole.

    I don't think you're one, Drez. It sounds like your family needs to understand that, oh my god, you're a grown-up. My mother didn't get this when I moved into an apartment with my girlfriend. My mother didn't get this when I got my first house. My mother didn't get this when I got my second house. Unfortunately, a serious discussion where you take the lead and declare what 'is to be' is what solves the problem for good. And if you've usually just forced your parents to accept who you are in the past by doing your own thing and letting them accept it over time (totally might not be your personal experience but it was mine) then be aware it WILL change your relationship permanently.

    If you just want to defuse the situation:

    You need to make a second 'you' on facebook, and use that one to communicate with your family so that they don't feel like you're snubbing them from interacting with you electronically. You're doing it for sensible reasons, but they probably feel you're doing it to avoid interacting with them. If they're not big into tech, and you are, then this is a (perceived) double-snub, because they will think of you as someone who desires to use facebook, and not understand why you don't desire to use it with them.

    But no, you aren't an asshole. Your life is your life.

    Ego on
    Erik
  • EvanderEvander Disappointed Father Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I don't believe that denying a request without explanation makes me an asshole.



    reciprocating a friend request is not some kind of socially expected behavior. They ask for access to my page, and then I answer either yes or no. Either answer is acceptable.

    Evander on
  • EgoEgo Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I didn't mean to imply people who didn't explain were assholes, sorry ;). I meant to imply that assholery is fairly separate from participation in this sort of thing, though the OP's family may very well not realize this.

    Ego on
    Erik
  • The CatThe Cat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited June 2009
    Drez wrote: »
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    can't you restrict what individuals can see?

    Sure, but I'd basically want to restrict my family from (a) seeing things and (b) posting to my wall. Which leaves nothing.
    You're not doing anything wrong; facebook isn't really structured for family relationships and their general kookiness. Its not structured for work colleagues either, and as a result a lot of people have gotten burned by sharing the wrong stuff with the wrong people. You're pretty much stuck with limited profile until fb allows you more control over who sees what.

    The Cat on
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  • evilbobevilbob RADELAIDERegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I added my sister and a couple of cousins on facebook. No one else in my family is getting added.

    evilbob on
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  • SzechuanosaurusSzechuanosaurus Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited June 2009
    Yeah, I don't think it's assholish to exclude people you know from being privvy to facebook or anything else you do. Hell, when I signed up my dad sent me a friend request with a note saying he understood if I didn't want to add him. Some people use it for keeping in touch with everybody and anybody, some use it for keeping in touch with family, some with friends, some with colleagues and whilst some people are happy for those different groups to mix most people realise that some people wouldn't want to overlap those categories.

    Szechuanosaurus on
  • RookRook Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    After listening to a lot of podcasts where this kind of stuff crops up, a lot of people have a couple of facebook accounts precisely because of this reason. The you that you might want to present to family or the general public isn't the same you that you might be in private and to friends. I don't use facebook personally but I'd be surprised if there isn't different levels you can set people into. E.g. these people can post on my wall, these people can't see it etc.

    Rook on
  • theSquidtheSquid Sydney, AustraliaRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Feral wrote: »
    I don't mind what my family sees. They can take me or leave me, and if they have problem with what I do, they can go fuck themselves.

    However, how the OP feels about his family is how I feel about my coworkers. I do not want my coworkers to know my comings and goings during my personal life. If a coworker or boss is judgmental about my decisions, that can impede my opportunities for advancement, interfere with cooperation, impact the level of respect I get at work, or at worst result in me losing my job.

    So when my coworkers find me on Facebook, I simply ignore them. If they ask me to my face why I didn't add them, I tell them point blank, "I don't let coworkers see my Facebook. It's really nothing personal. Once one of us quits, I'll be happy to friend you."

    Most of the time my coworkers will take minor offense to that, but I'd rather deal with a mild one-time offense than worry about whether or not my status message is going to reflect poorly upon me every time I change it.

    I kinda wish I was mature enough to take this attitude, but I'm not. :P

    I see a flaw in the multiple Facebook accounts though, if only for the nuisance of having to sign out and into separate accounts.

    theSquid on
  • EvanderEvander Disappointed Father Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    The Cat wrote: »
    Drez wrote: »
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    can't you restrict what individuals can see?

    Sure, but I'd basically want to restrict my family from (a) seeing things and (b) posting to my wall. Which leaves nothing.
    You're not doing anything wrong; facebook isn't really structured for family relationships and their general kookiness. Its not structured for work colleagues either, and as a result a lot of people have gotten burned by sharing the wrong stuff with the wrong people. You're pretty much stuck with limited profile until fb allows you more control over who sees what.

    I'm really looking forward to when baby boomers start getting in trouble for having too much info up on their pages.

    My father and his friends use facebook more than I ever have

    Evander on
  • EvanderEvander Disappointed Father Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Rook wrote: »
    After listening to a lot of podcasts where this kind of stuff crops up, a lot of people have a couple of facebook accounts precisely because of this reason. The you that you might want to present to family or the general public isn't the same you that you might be in private and to friends. I don't use facebook personally but I'd be surprised if there isn't different levels you can set people into. E.g. these people can post on my wall, these people can't see it etc.

    This is a lot of extra work to avoid what? having to say "sorry, no"

    It just seems silly and passive agressive to me. Tell your family that they are your family, not your friends, and be done with it.

    Evander on
  • RichyRichy Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    You're not an asshole Drez. This one time :P

    I also turn down people on Facebook, and get turned down. My page is geared towards friends and family, and I have fun and non-incriminatory (or slightly incriminatory) stuff on it. But I systematically turn down my students when they try to add me, and I would turn down colleagues if they asked. I see Facebook as an extension of my personal life, and I keep it completely separate from my professional life.

    Of course, I always send a polite message explaining this to students when I turn them down in Facebook. Likewise, I've been rejected as a friend by a girl who wanted to keep her Facebook family-only, and who sent me a message explaining that. I was cool with that.

    tl;dr: people use Facebook for different reasons and to reach different groups of people, and are free to reject (politely) people outside these groups. People who don't understand that and feel entitled to see someone else's Facebook page for some reason are assholes.

    Richy on
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  • desperaterobotsdesperaterobots perth, ausRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Yeah, this is especially delicate for closeted/semi-closeted gay dudes. Minefield, actually. Do you friend that guy you're seeing casually? If you don't, it might sour the relationship, but if you do, he might post along the lines of "wow is your ass bleeding too?"

    Of course, this has never happened to me personally, I am speaking purely hypothetically. Hahaha... ha.

    desperaterobots on
  • EvanderEvander Disappointed Father Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Yeah, this is especially delicate for closeted/semi-closeted gay dudes. Minefield, actually. Do you friend that guy you're seeing casually? If you don't, it might sour the relationship, but if you do, he might post along the lines of "wow is your ass bleeding too?"

    Of course, this has never happened to me personally, I am speaking purely hypothetically. Hahaha... ha.

    Well, this gets more in to the realm of what is appropriate to put on the internet, in general.

    Ultimately, the internet is NOT a private place. Not in the least. Even if you are denying people access to your page, you still shouldn't have information that you don't want them to have on there, in general, because it CAN get out.

    Evander on
  • desperaterobotsdesperaterobots perth, ausRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Well, that's right. But it wouldn't be me putting it on the internet in the first place, it would be a thoughtless transgression of one of your friends that could really fuck something up for you. I suppose the solution would be to avoid facebook, but boy is it handy!

    desperaterobots on
  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I've made the potential mistake of allowing pretty much any friend, family member or co-worker to add me on facebook, which has simply led to me rarely posting anything public. I use the inbox for discussing or setting things up with friends, but walls I mostly leave for birthday greetings.

    Though with all the stupid test being taken these days, I'm tempted to start mass ignoring what people do and say.

    Forar on
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  • EvanderEvander Disappointed Father Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Well, that's right. But it wouldn't be me putting it on the internet in the first place, it would be a thoughtless transgression of one of your friends that could really fuck something up for you. I suppose the solution would be to avoid facebook, but boy is it handy!

    you can easily turn off your wall ( I used to turn it off every year around my birthday, because I don't care for wellwishers who are only saying things SO THAT other people can see them saying it.)



    or, you tell your partner that you're not out, so if he says anything like that, it is over. Chances are, the larger issue there is a disagreement about being out, not a squabble about a post on the internet.

    Evander on
  • desperaterobotsdesperaterobots perth, ausRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    So, yeah, the option is to ask your friends to keep it down, or to restrict the (potential) usefulness of facebook to eliminate the possibility of your friends committing a faux pas. Neither option is really fool-proof. Can facebook stop comments your friends post on tagged photos of you showing up, for instance?

    Anyway, it's not exactly a problem for me, just thought i'd share one of those delightful complications facebook allows you to experience when you're not-exactly-out. (That said, I think it's pretty telling when someone doesn't list their 'Interested In'.)

    desperaterobots on
  • EvanderEvander Disappointed Father Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Neither option is really fool-proof.

    Welcome to life.

    The fact is, you shouldn't be doing things you are ashamed of, or ashamed of the things that you are doing, in the first place.

    The easiest solution is to just live your life openly.

    Evander on
  • SeptusSeptus Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I generally solve the problem by leaving out anything personal in the first place. I don't need my Facebook to have personal identifiers, for me it's a tool for organizing events, sharing pictures(which I can untag on a per-picture basis) and very casual chatting. I could have more private things on it, but I wouldn't trust that it couldn't get out somehow and affect my job or something.

    Septus on
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