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First time having sex - updated!

KathrisKathris __BANNED USERS regular
edited June 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
So...Im 27. I thought that would be a good thing to start off with. I quit WoW about 1.5 months ago and started P90X. 11 days ago I went out with a girl, she's extremely awesome, fun, attractive and 1.5 months ago wouldve been WAAAAAY out of my league. Now we have now been on 4 dates, and on the last couple fooled around a bit. Things have now progressed to the point where I know what she means by "want to come over and watch a movie thursday night?" (we both have friday off work)

Now, Im not totally inexperienced in that I have done just about everything else a sane person does when they were a teenager (fingers/hands oral) I just never progressed to that point in high school or college, it just never happened.

So umm, any tips or anything from anyone? You know, other than the "dont be nervous" just let it happen garbage that my friends are giving me? I plan on telling her that I still have my "V card" when I am sure we are about to "go there". But anything else I need to know? What do girls expect these days shaving wise down there? Is there anything I need to know that I may just be totally oblivious about? Basically I am nervous as hell about my "performance" lacking, and I really dont want to ruin this relationship just because I am unpracticed at sex.

(Oh, and yes, I am 99.9% sure that she is WAAAAY more experienced in this arena than I am. Multiple relationships of 1+ years)


Resolution in post #167

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Kathris on
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Posts

  • supabeastsupabeast Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Use a condom. Realize that you’re going to last all of thirty seconds and it will be embarrassing for both of you. Don’t keep going until she orgasms, because she’s not going to, and you’ll just make her sore. Don’t behave like guys do in porno. Don’t expect to get anal early in a relationship. Do whatever she tells you to.

    supabeast on
  • FightTestFightTest Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I could be wrong, but I think telling the girl you're a virgin sounds like a pretty terrible idea. Not only do you turn an otherwise normal situation into an event but you also risk creeping her out and making her wonder what your issue is/was preventing you before.

    Some girls might be into it but I think by and large it would just weird most people out.

    I would say yank one or two off prior to the event, do not tell her you're a virgin, and be prepared to do some oral magic should your unit rebel against the cause.

    FightTest on
    MOBA DOTA.
  • Dunadan019Dunadan019 Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    don't use the word 'V-card' for one.

    something along the lines of 'it just never happened for me' would be better.

    Dunadan019 on
  • JasconiusJasconius sword criminal mad onlineRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    You're going to get varying opinions here on if you should tell her this is your first go or not.

    In my opinion, the "I'm a virgin" card plays well up until a certain point. Then after that, it's creepy and awkward at best.


    I'm pretty certain that 27 is not on the good side of that dichotomy.

    Jasconius on
  • RookRook Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    supabeast wrote: »
    Use a condom. Realize that you’re going to last all of thirty seconds and it will be embarrassing for both of you. Don’t keep going until she orgasms, because she’s not going to, and you’ll just make her sore. Don’t behave like guys do in porno. Don’t expect to get anal early in a relationship. Do whatever she tells you to.

    For the love of god, if there was one thing I could go back in time and tell myself it would have been to practice putting one on before hand. Don't rely on her being able to either. Practice practice practice.

    Rook on
  • SimpsoniaSimpsonia Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Basically don't worry about you're performance, I know you most likely will, but thinking about it will actually hinder it. You have to try and put everything except for what a good time your having out of your mind. Girls aren't expecting the first time (with them) to mind blowing sex. Don't worry so much about getting her off either. The first time between two people really is just for them to get comfortable with each others bodies. And you then move from there.

    I recommend booze. It will free your inhibitions and allow you to stop thinking which is exactly what you're going to need. Don't go overboard, just enough for you to get a nice heavy buzz on. I'm sure that a lot of people will probably disagree with me over this point. But in my personal experience I always have the best sex in the 3-5 beer range. It just helps you lose yourself in the passion.

    I'll echo the not mentioning that your a virgin. Just don't do it.

    Simpsonia on
  • thejazzmanthejazzman Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Do lots of oral before the sex, it's hard to make oral not enjoyable, and you don't have to worry about jizzing etc. Seriously eat her out a lot, try and relax, relaxing will be the most important thing. Don't try and be a stud, just try and make her comfortable and relaxed.

    thejazzman on
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  • GenericJoeGenericJoe Registered User new member
    edited June 2009
    A pre-wank is a good thing in order to last more than 1 minute, but then again the opposite scenario is just as possible - the low-rise.
    The first time I did the deed (tried, I mean) I couldn't keep the old chap standing to attention, because I was so nervous, and I was sweating like a pig. Oh, take anti-perspiration deo 'cause the sweating just compounds the nervousness.
    Anyway, if you think the swing-low is a possibility due to nerves, then maybe consider something like the V pill, if it is actually safe and legal these days (?) cos I know I wish to God I had that little tablet when I was in that hotel room (dont worry, it was all romantic, nothing dubious :winky:).
    But of course if you take too much you might be making tents all night and day which may look a little strange. Maybe practice with a bit before hand (no pun intended)

    GenericJoe on
  • Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Wait, is it really a bad idea to mention that?

    I mean, I don't have the experience to make an informed judgment, but it seems it'd be much more awkward to say afterward "Listen, I can explain why that was horrible and I didn't seem like I knew what I was doing" than to take 10 seconds beforehand to let her know "BTW, I'm new at this, give me some slack if I need improvement"

    Raiden333 on
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  • UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    For the love of Pete, tell her you're a virgin.

    Good sex is all about communication and that would probably be a really good place to start.

    Usagi on
  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Usagi wrote: »
    For the love of Pete, tell her you're a virgin.

    Good sex is all about communication and that would probably be a really good place to start.

    This, and just bring it up casually, not flippantly, but dont make a scene, just "Yeah, it just never happened for me"

    The Black Hunter on
  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I thought the condom practice was a good tip. Seriously. On the spot is not the time to figure that stuff out. Whether or not you share the fact your a virgin is all about honesty and comfort. It wont be a big deal if you dont make it one. I'd certainly go with 'don't make it a big deal', whether that means sharing or not is your call. Otherwise, explore explore explore.

    It ake the 'focus on her' approach, because your end is going to take care of itself naturally. You can pause and reflect after, right before round 2. Hmm, random tips: lighting. Dim but not dark. You don't want to leave that overhead light on burning a wound into your retina while you get your game on. Also, there will be awkward moments, and the dim works as a nice security blanket. Be aware of your feet, and if your feel cramping, adjust- nothing puts a crimp in the mojo like a giant cramp in your calf or thigh. On cowgirl, help the girl bounce; its more enthusiastic and you'll want to keep pressure off your lower pelvis- more erections are lost to the pelvic crunch every year than the internet pr0n of your grandma.

    Hang on tight, and enjoy the ride!

    Sarcastro on
  • AllforceAllforce Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Don't bother wearing a condom, it's your first time man you want it to feel good. Plus you can't get her pregnant from your first time, that's a known fact.

    Just relax and go slow during missionary positions, then get her to bend over and jackhammer that pussy until you explode deep in her. Pull out, wash your dick off in the sink, get out of dodge and go play some Ghostbusters.

    Allforce on
  • UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Usagi wrote: »
    For the love of Pete, tell her you're a virgin.

    Good sex is all about communication and that would probably be a really good place to start.

    This, and just bring it up casually, not flippantly, but dont make a scene, just "Yeah, it just never happened for me"

    Absolutely this. It will definitely make you both more comfortable and it sets a really important precedent with being able to talk about what you want or don't want, or how you just don't know yet. Hopefully she'll be eager to experiment with you!

    Edit: please ignore the post above me

    Usagi on
  • FightTestFightTest Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Raiden333 wrote: »
    Wait, is it really a bad idea to mention that?

    The reason is thus..

    If you don't tell her:

    a - You could do alright and everything works out fine. Someday later when she's more comfortable with you you can tell her if you want.

    b - You blow early/can't get it up. You make up for it in the oral department. You pass it off to nerves. At worst she thinks you're one of a million other guys who have issues, hopefully she writes it off and you get another chance.


    If you do tell her:

    a - Best case is she somehow finds it cute or a turn-on. I find these odds very slim at anything older than 21ish.

    b - You throw up a ton of red flags and she dries up wondering what's wrong with the guy that's about to try to stick his dick in her. Basically if she's not into it she's going to be turned off by it and you either end up not getting laid or you have sex with a girl who really isn't into it anymore. Neither are appealing.


    Basically it comes down to would you rather possibly look like you're just another guy who isn't great in bed or would you rather possibly fuck everything up and/or freak her out. The former seems the much wiser course of action.

    FightTest on
    MOBA DOTA.
  • Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    FightTest wrote: »
    Raiden333 wrote: »
    Wait, is it really a bad idea to mention that?

    The reason is thus..

    If you don't tell her:

    a - You could do alright and everything works out fine. Someday later when she's more comfortable with you you can tell her if you want.

    b - You blow early/can't get it up. You make up for it in the oral department. You pass it off to nerves. At worst she thinks you're one of a million other guys who have issues, hopefully she writes it off and you get another chance.


    If you do tell her:

    a - Best case is she somehow finds it cute or a turn-on. I find these odds very slim at anything older than 21ish.

    b - You throw up a ton of red flags and she dries up wondering what's wrong with the guy that's about to try to stick his dick in her. Basically if she's not into it she's going to be turned off by it and you either end up not getting laid or you have sex with a girl who really isn't into it anymore. Neither are appealing.


    Basically it comes down to would you rather possibly look like you're just another guy who isn't great in bed or would you rather possibly fuck everything up and/or freak her out. The former seems the much wiser course of action.

    But it seems like you're missing 2 option C's that arise when you consider it in the context of an actual relationship as opposed to just getting laid.

    C1: When you reach that magic day when you're comfortable enough to tell her, she wonders why you weren't up front about it. And it still involves refusing to communicate about things, which is never good for a relationship.

    C2: She doesn't find it "cute" and doesn't "wonder what's wrong with you", but rather is a healthy human being who appreciates the honesty and has a good time with you anyway without it being a big deal.

    Raiden333 on
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  • DogDog Registered User, Administrator, Vanilla Staff admin
    edited June 2009
    So what happens the second time they have sex and he still sucks? The third time? What about years later when she can use it as an excuse for poor communication and keeps him in the doghouse?

    Just tell her dude, and like Usagi and others have said don't make a big deal about it.

    My first was a bit more experienced than me and I am certainly glad I told her. We went a bit slower, I was given some more guidance and the end result was pretty awesome.

    Unknown User on
  • CangoFettCangoFett Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Man, call me old fashioned, but I was always under the impression that if you arent comfortable enough with a girl to tell her you're a virgin, you shouldnt put your penis inside her

    I mean

    If you go in there, and you have a laminated 'v club' card, and a "fuckers are suckers" tshirt, yeah, thats pretty weird.

    But if, as the night goes on, and things are getting there, just as a polite, FYI, "Ive never actually done this before" or something along those lines, may be a good idea.

    CangoFett on
  • UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Well, I'm going to have to disagree with FightTest, no offense meant dude. Just from personal experience it makes the whole evening better if you're honest from the start.

    And yes, what CangoFett said: if you arent comfortable enough with a girl to tell her you're a virgin, you shouldnt put your penis inside her

    Usagi on
  • PotatoNinjaPotatoNinja Fake Gamer Goat Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Usagi wrote: »
    For the love of Pete, tell her you're a virgin.

    Good sex is all about communication and that would probably be a really good place to start.

    I really can't fathom how people are advising you to not tell her. Good relationships and good sex require trust and communication, how exactly would this play out well if you didn't tell her? Would you mention it later? Fabricate prior encounters? Just hope it never comes up?

    You need to do two things. First is relax, second is let her know this is your first time.

    Assuming you get laid. Maybe she just wants to watch a movie and cuddle.

    PotatoNinja on
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  • Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited June 2009

    Assuming you get laid. Maybe she just wants to watch a movie and cuddle.

    Yeah, it's probably a good idea to not bring it up until the condoms come out.

    Raiden333 on
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  • PojacoPojaco Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    supabeast wrote: »
    Use a condom. Realize that you’re going to last all of thirty seconds and it will be embarrassing for both of you. Don’t keep going until she orgasms, because she’s not going to, and you’ll just make her sore. Don’t behave like guys do in porno. Don’t expect to get anal early in a relationship. Do whatever she tells you to.
    It sounds like your first time sucked, that doesn't mean his has to. Mine certainly didn't. Though we were both virgins, it wasn't embarrassing, it lasted about 30 minutes rather than seconds, and she came multiple times. Also, she isn't necessarily going to be sore because it isn't her first time, but his.

    Tips for virginity losing win:
    Approach the sex like you have already done it before. Go ahead and tell her you're a virgin if you think that's necessary, but I wouldn't do it if you're trying to lower her expectations. It may be true that good communication leads to good sex, but that doesn't mean you have to bring up your virginity before you do the deed. Why should that be a requirement? You're the one that knows her, just tell her if it happens to feel right/good, and ignore most of what we say on H/A.

    But don't ignore this: Try to be confident/excited as if you're experienced, give her oral beforehand if she's interested, and don't fret about condoms. You tear the package open, make sure it isn't upside down, and slide it on, it isn't that difficult. The more you build it up in your head the more you're going to disappoint yourself. Don't hype it too much, it will go better and you'll both be happier. I'm betting the chances are that you're going to finish and wonder what the hell is wrong with everyone who can't seem to figure out sex/condoms.

    And tell us how it went! :winky: I'm rootin' for you buddy.

    Pojaco on
  • ForgottenVariableForgottenVariable Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Talk to her about your concerns. Sex really is about proper communication. Personally, I can't even enjoy myself if I don't feel a strong emotional connection.

    Telling the other person your concerns is important. I guarantee that anyone worth your time will work with you to ensure that the sex is good. Sex isn't the same between different people, and she's still learning what you like while you learn what she likes.

    I assure you that you will feel so much better if you chat about it before and after. I know that you might feel like some sort of reject, but I'm sure there are lots of other people in your same position. More important, anyone that judges you based on that isn't someone you want to be with anyway.

    Good luck! :)

    ForgottenVariable on
  • BlochWaveBlochWave Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    You know about her past relationships but she doesn't know about yours? (and the lack of long term and recent intimate relationships) That casual conversation may have been a better time than before her being all fired up (if, indeed, she is and doesn't just wanna watch a movie). You don't even have to frame it in terms of sex, if you haven't been in a real relationship since whenever, she can draw her own conclusions.

    I think that first paragraph disagrees with:
    Yeah, it's probably a good idea to not bring it up until the condoms come out.

    You are who you are, if that bothers her then she's bothered by you. You know full well what's gonna happen if you mention it, she's gonna ask how or why (if not she's gonna be thinking it).

    I think the real red flag that will go up is not that you might suck in bed, it's why hasn't anyone had sex with you? You know the reasons. Are you ashamed of them? You don't sound ashamed, and I don't think you should be. You tell her and she now knows more about you as a person and if she decides she's not cool with that, then so be it.

    BlochWave on
  • I needed anime to post.I needed anime to post. boom Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    It's really going to be a good idea to tell her. It's also really going to be a good idea to not be like "yeah i'm a virgin". The above posters have done a pretty good job of suggesting how to broach the subject.

    And really, don't think too much about it. You're probably going to be nervous anyway even though people have told you not to fret, but don't worry about the fact that you're worrying, at least. Losing virginity can be a pretty big deal for some people. In the long run though, don't be nervous. I liken it to driving a car. Yeah, it can be pretty nerve-wracking the first time you step behind a wheel and go "my god this could careen out of control into a hospital filled with nuns, burst into fire, do a triple backflip into my grandparents having sex, explode and kill us all", but then you just have to keep in mind that like a billion people have done this before you and it turned out alright.

    I needed anime to post. on
    liEt3nH.png
  • KathrisKathris __BANNED USERS regular
    edited June 2009
    I didnt think the telling her thing would blow up into such a big deal. I pretty much feel it is necessary to tell her, not just to let her know what to expect/not expect, but because if the situations were reversed, i would want the girl to tell me. It just seems like the right thing to do, especially with someone that you like a whole lot and can see a future with.

    Oh, and the reason she may think differently about me is because when we were talking about prior relationships, I mentioned that me and a girl that were living together had a 9 month relationship. (Living in the same house for 9 months = assumes sex) Plus I really dont give off that geeky guy vibe, Im just 5 lbs lighter, more muscular, and a lot more tan than I was a month and a half ago.

    The condom thing seems like a good idea, considering the last time I opened one was back in college.

    Anyway, thanks for the advice. P/A forums are the best.

    Kathris on
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  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Just go slow. You can make up for not being a master swordsman (so to speak) by spending time on foreplay and focusing on what she's into.

    Practice condom use enough to be able to put one on smoothly. It's not like it's hard but you want to not fumble with it too much.

    You can tell her whether you're a virgin or not if you want, and it depends more on how you think she'll react than anything else. I had a buddy who finessed that question when he lost it (at 26) with the "it's been a while" line. How comfortable you are with a white lie in is up to you.

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
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  • MustangMustang Arbiter of Unpopular Opinions Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I think you should tell her, seriously dude, I was a very late bloomer too and telling her made it that much easier. I don't like to blow my own trumpet, but i'm pretty damn good at sex, so I ended up shocking myself and her despite my relative inexperience. So it's preferable to be better than expected, than worse. If she gets freaky about you not having done the deed, she's obviously immature as hell and not worth the effort.

    Mustang on
  • JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Jasconius wrote: »
    You're going to get varying opinions here on if you should tell her this is your first go or not.

    In my opinion, the "I'm a virgin" card plays well up until a certain point. Then after that, it's creepy and awkward at best.


    I'm pretty certain that 27 is not on the good side of that dichotomy.

    I think full disclosure is important though, because it will set expectations lower for the first time. Which is going to be important because it will be short and probably not very good. Second time will probably work out a bit longer though.

    JebusUD on
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  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Don't tell her. Pretty much for the same reason you don't go telling every person you have sex with how many partners you've had right before you do them.

    RocketSauce on
  • Regina FongRegina Fong Allons-y, Alonso Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Don't tell her. Pretty much for the same reason you don't go telling every person you have sex with how many partners you've had right before you do them.


    This.

    Your sexual past (or lack thereof) isn't relevant this early in a relationship, barring something that could be dangerous (like HIV status or something like that).

    Regina Fong on
  • Fuzzy Cumulonimbus CloudFuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Wrap it up.

    Fuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud on
  • JasconiusJasconius sword criminal mad onlineRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    JebusUD wrote: »
    Jasconius wrote: »
    You're going to get varying opinions here on if you should tell her this is your first go or not.

    In my opinion, the "I'm a virgin" card plays well up until a certain point. Then after that, it's creepy and awkward at best.


    I'm pretty certain that 27 is not on the good side of that dichotomy.

    I think full disclosure is important though, because it will set expectations lower for the first time. Which is going to be important because it will be short and probably not very good. Second time will probably work out a bit longer though.

    My perspective is that it would benefit him much more to reach home plate at least once and risk this relationship, thereby resolving this issue in future relationships, than to potentially shut the gate entirely when this present girl potentially gets wierded out.

    Ultimately this is a judgement call on the part of the OP to determine if she is the type who would be easily put off by such a thing.

    Some girls simply are. And those are the kind I wouldn't have any qualms about using up to my advantage and moving on to someone else who isn't so shallow.

    It's not like the dude hasn't been in the vicinity of the equipment. He knows the lay of the land, the worst that could happen is that he blows quickly which can happen to anyone regardless of experience. There's no sense in depriving himself of his opportunity for what boils down to idealism.


    My best advice to the OP is to let her control the pacing if at all possible, which is sometimes as simple as leaning back and getting her on top of you once you lock faces. If you're lucky she'll take the wheel at that point. If she's as experienced as you perceive then she should probably get the hint. The rest should come naturally.

    Jasconius on
  • Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Personally, if a girl was ready to sleep with me but changed her mind because she found out I had never slept with anyone before, I'd be rather happy I didn't have my first time with such a shallow person.

    Raiden333 on
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  • JacobkoshJacobkosh Gamble a stamp. I can show you how to be a real man!Moderator mod
    edited June 2009
    FightTest wrote: »
    b - You throw up a ton of red flags and she dries up wondering what's wrong with the guy that's about to try to stick his dick in her. Basically if she's not into it she's going to be turned off by it and you either end up not getting laid or you have sex with a girl who really isn't into it anymore. Neither are appealing.

    yeah, this is bull. If she's that unreasonable it would be better to know that now rather than later. Also, the actual practical effect of being a virgin - inexperience - is not a condition that is magically alleviated by one's first time. He will not be able to move on to the next girl, secure in his studliness, and blow her mind, and never have to bring up that his previous time was his first.

    As someone said, sex is all about communication. Being upfront about this issue is the exact right place to start.

    Jacobkosh on
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  • RyeRye Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Trimming your hair is par for the course. You don't HAVE to be baby smooth, but if you want to, you'll be hard pressed to find a girl who is really upset by it.

    As someone said before, just being enthusiastic is usually enough to make it a good experience.

    Rye on
  • Folken FanelFolken Fanel anime af When's KoFRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Not sure what your previous experience with condoms includes, but personally speaking I don't feel a thing unless I use ultra-thin condoms. Lemme tell you... nothing ruins sex more than realizing your condom is stopping you from keeping your erection... and that was when I was 24.

    Folken Fanel on
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  • SeptusSeptus Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Jesus, tell her before. This is different than just mentioning your sexual past in general. It's a big deal for you, it's moderately a big deal for her because she'll be involved in it with you, and it could go a long way towards explaining what will happen.

    More specifically, I think you should tell her as you're having foreplay and sensing that the sex is imminent. She doesn't need to know unless it's definitely going to happen.

    Septus on
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  • Folken FanelFolken Fanel anime af When's KoFRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I would not talk about your virginity while in the realm of anything sexual. When I told my first sex partner I just said look, I wanted to wait until it was in the context of a serious relationship and that just hasn't happened for me yet. She respected me for it and it was no big deal.

    ...but doing this while your mid-tongue deep in her coin purse is not the time to do that.

    Folken Fanel on
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  • NeoTomaNeoToma Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Not telling this girl you're a virgin for fear of her not having sex with you is kinda douchey.

    You like this girl right? Don't try to hide information and manipulate her into sex then. Like don't be weird about it, but don't hide what could be important informaion from her because you might not get some.

    NeoToma on
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