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got ditched by a long time friend?
Barcardi
All the WizardsUnder A Rock: AfganistanRegistered User regular
All the WizardsUnder A Rock: AfganistanRegistered User regular
So i have been good, great, possibly even best friends with this girl for the past 3 years, from the beginning of grad school till the end of school 2 weeks ago. Now that graduation has passed all of the people in the class have been hanging out, saying goodbye. Except the two of us. She is the first to leave town.
So before she leaves i send her a message that i want to hang out with her, say goodbye. She says "ok but i have to delay it a day i have to hang out with my fiance." Naturally im cool with this, i am friends with her fiance. The next day she says "ok lets hang out". I drive down to her place (a long ass way away... like 20 miles). She isnt even there, she has left to go shopping. I call her, she says she will be there soon. I wait like an hour and she finally shows up.
So i hang out with her, i am planning on taking her out to eat and possibly out with some other friends from school, all to say goodbye to her. Suddenly, about 10 minutes into just chilling preparing to go out she tells me that a friend of hers is coming over and she is eating dinner. This is something i set up earlier. So she is going out with 4 of my friends, but she infers that i am not invited. So i see her all of 5-10 minutes before she takes off.
I get a phone call the next day from her, she is asking for directions out of town, she is driving right by where i live. I am like "ok cool ill buy you lunch before you leave." After i give her directions she tells me she is leaving, and thanks for the directions out of town. She is gone, moved out of the state.
Today i meet up with the friends she went out with that night, they tell me they never even knew she ditched me to hang out with them. And that they, being my friends, would have loved it if i would have come along.
tldr: 3 years of friendship and i am ditched about 3 times in a row by someone that i thought was a great friend, right before she leaves town to move out. Not only that, but she actively avoided hanging out with me, but not our mutual friends, then used me for directions before leaving town.
How do i approach dealing with this, did i just get played for 3 years straight? What exactly is going on in this girls head here? Why would someone actively avoid a good friend before leaving town?
So before she leaves i send her a message that i want to hang out with her, say goodbye. She says "ok but i have to delay it a day i have to hang out with my fiance." Naturally im cool with this, i am friends with her fiance. The next day she says "ok lets hang out". I drive down to her place (a long ass way away... like 20 miles). She isnt even there, she has left to go shopping. I call her, she says she will be there soon. I wait like an hour and she finally shows up.
So i hang out with her, i am planning on taking her out to eat and possibly out with some other friends from school, all to say goodbye to her. Suddenly, about 10 minutes into just chilling preparing to go out she tells me that a friend of hers is coming over and she is eating dinner. This is something i set up earlier. So she is going out with 4 of my friends, but she infers that i am not invited. So i see her all of 5-10 minutes before she takes off.
I get a phone call the next day from her, she is asking for directions out of town, she is driving right by where i live. I am like "ok cool ill buy you lunch before you leave." After i give her directions she tells me she is leaving, and thanks for the directions out of town. She is gone, moved out of the state.
Today i meet up with the friends she went out with that night, they tell me they never even knew she ditched me to hang out with them. And that they, being my friends, would have loved it if i would have come along.
tldr: 3 years of friendship and i am ditched about 3 times in a row by someone that i thought was a great friend, right before she leaves town to move out. Not only that, but she actively avoided hanging out with me, but not our mutual friends, then used me for directions before leaving town.
How do i approach dealing with this, did i just get played for 3 years straight? What exactly is going on in this girls head here? Why would someone actively avoid a good friend before leaving town?
Barcardi on
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Edit: Our names are incredibly similar. You - car = me
Her response was that it was simply the hardest to say good bye to him and she did not really know how to do it.
I might have messed that up a bit, but what I'm trying to say is maybe think that she just could not handle saying good bye or that it was really hard to do?
Obviously you know her better so she might not be like that at all, but at least maybe it could give you a different idea of why she did what she did. Something to think about.
o_O
Pretty sure that is not the reason because of the dinner with "4 of my friends".
Who knows why people can suddenly turn on you like this? Maybe it's some outside factor like her fiancée not being happy with her hanging out with another guy. Maybe she was just an inconsiderate asshole all along and you just didn't pick up on it.
Either way any friend who can just leave your life forever and clearly not give a rats ass about it isn't that big a loss. Time heals all wounds. Go hang around with your other friends and forget about her.
I'm confused about the bolded part, is this an actual ditching, or plans that you had in your head and didn't work out?
Either way I would call her and give her the business.
It's a crummy way to treat a supposed friend and she should be called on it.
Maybe she is a jerk, maybe her fiancee is uncomfortable with your firendship, but either way you deserve to know why.
Edited to ask: are you a boy? Were you interested in her romantically at all? just curious.
Call her and tell her how upset you are. You feel like you were ditched. Do not say "I feel like I have been played for the last three years." Doesn't help anything.
Just ask her what happened?
I didn't really mean call her and go off, I guess that was implied by giving her the business, just speak your mind.
More like, call her and talk and see what's up. If she's still being that way or not understanding you, then write it off and move on. You are too important and nice to be treated in such a fashion.
I'd rather not have a friend, but they at least understand what a douche they were, than have a friend who didn't. And I've been in this almost exact scenario before, and I let her know what a twat she was. We haven't spoken since, and I'm completely fine with it.
You cared enough to let a friend know they really hurt your feelings but you're fine with never having talked to her again?
Not being a dick, I hope, but that confuses me.
Maybe you really do care that you haven't talked since but you're throwing up the wall to protect yourself?
That'll be $145, please pay the receptionist.
Just talk to her and ask what her deal is, you know, nicely.
See how many books I've read so far in 2010
edit: really you just need to call her up and ask her what the whole thing was about, because you feel a little shunned by the whole ordeal. Ask if perhaps you just took it all wrong and she just being ditsy due to a hectic post graduation schedule and moving.
This is a good bet. Also, as a possible reason, both her and her fiance may feel that you dote over her a tad and are both uncomfortable continuing forward as friends because of this. I mean, I'm not trying to judge or draw any conclusions, but the OP lead me to believe that there may be more going on here on your end if you're this worked up about not being able to say goodbye to a college friend before they move away and are picking apart and analyzing every aspect of your final hours together.
I'm just sayin'.
At the end of the day, you want to be friends with her, and she's sending strong signals that doesn't want to be friends with you. There's no compromise between those two positions, and there's no course that will lead to you getting your way. The only thing you have any control over is how prolonged this unfortunate ending becomes. It can end today, if you let it, or you can drag it on and on until as you approach this friend again and again for something she will never give you. Your pride, if nothing else, is left in a better state if you take the former route.
That said, it's worth pointing out that an abrupt and rude end to the relationship does not invalidate the entire relationship. Chances are that if you were being played for three years, you would have found out a long time ago.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Had a similar thing happen way back when. Knew someone for like 6 years. Was planning to see her on my birthday, then found out the next day that she'd joined Greenpeace and was on her way to Guam or something. No use getting upset about it really. Some people just do this sort of thing, and you're probably better off trying to let your disappointment with her pass. Don't burn any bridges if you can help it.
See how many books I've read so far in 2010
I would say this is a pretty good point. This and what robos said. Bottom line you can call her and ask for an explination and the best case scenario is she apologises and gives you an explanation. It won't matter though since your friendship is still ended by her moving away.
Worst case scenario she confirms that she was shunning you for whatever reason, your pride takes a serious hit and you loose her as a friend anyway.
Is it worth the effort?
Was Robos saying not to talk to her? If so, then no.
The guy is obviously confused and hurt by what happened so why would finding out WHY she did that be bad?
Even if it's not something he WANTS to hear maybe he NEEDS to hear it.
edit: if three years of friendship isn't worth the effort then what is?
Limed for truth. I have seen this first-hand and I am willing to bet that this is exactly what happened. It was most likely the fiance who pushed for this to happen. It isn't fair to you, but it is a common occurrence. My advice would be to just accept it and move on. Calling her about it will just be awkward for everyone concerned.
Now I kind of get the sense you might not be telling us the full story OP because people usually do this to hide from someone they're afraid is going to make a last ditch romantic effort. But if you are calling it like it is, I would also assume the fiance has probably been trying to buck you out of the picture for awhile, and finally got his way. It sucks, and it's shitty she would do it to you, but such is life. You're just going to have to let it go and move on with yours.
Read the OP, the friendship is dead. There is nothing left to save.
What useful purpose could giving her a second opportunity to take a big shit on his feelings serve at this point?
To update the questions though, we were always just friends, always flipping the bill so eating / hanging out was never an issue. But i could see the issue with the fiance i guess.
As to the dinner thing. To further explain: I had set up dinner + hanging out with some other people as well. She knew that i did and instead ran off with the other people and didn't tell anyone that there were two gatherings going on. So in actuality i am not the only one that got ditched that time, so now that ive asked around, its more than just me that is annoyed. I am just extra annoyed because i got thrice ditched.
But the weird thing relating to the people she did go out with, she had a fling with one of them ages ago, so you would think that she would not want to hang with him if she wouldn't want to hang with me. And no one was really giving the fiance any thoughts as thats a long distance relationship.
All and all you guys gave some great advice, im moving on and im not gonna bring it up or try to burn bridges, i figure i still have other friends to say bye to. Thanks again for the advice / insight.
Good on you. Don't let the bastards grind you down ;-)
Uh, if someone leaves the state the friendship is dead?
When your friend pisses you off the friendship is dead?
When did these rules get instated?
I'm in the military, and grew up in the military, so it may be different for me seeing as I move a lot, so I am trying to look at this from a civilian perspective but it still doesn't make sense. Friendships do not die because you/they move.
Nor do they die because a friend pisses you off.
All you're doing is telling him to throw a wall up and forget someone he was "good, great, possibly even best friends" with for the last three years. How is that productive?
@ the OP: sounds like this is resolved for you but I question that you were really very good friends with this girl if you're just willing to let it go. Or, maybe you saw the two of you as "good, great, possibly even best friends" and she did not.
Regardless, finding out saying goodbye to you may have been too hard for her(on one hand) or you were really just an acquaintance to her (on the other hand) isn't a bad thing in the long run. OP learns something either way, whether it's good or bad.
In the past, she would be open to talking with me for fifteen minutes with no problem, even though she was working.
I don't know why. I never make any risqué jokes or sexual innuendo or anything -- in fact, everyone thinks I'm gay -- that's how "safe" and "like a brother" I am.
I got bummed out for a few days, and just went back to saying "hi" and doing a little wave when seeing her instead of trying to start a conversation.
But you know what? I'm not her bitch. I'm no one's bitch. I have plenty of friends who LIKE hanging out with me, and WANT to hang out with me, so why the fuck should I bother with her?
I won't be cold to her -- that'd be stooping down to her level -- I'll just wave to her as an acknowledgment of her existence.
If she ever warms up to me again, I'll keep waving to her and nothing more. I'll remember how she was cold to me for no reason, and not resort to being her bitch, having her dictate when I can have conversations with her and when I should stay away.
Don't be her bitch. Don't keep asking her for lunch or dinner or any crap like that. She ditched you several times. Don't initiate contact. Just live your life and hang out with the people who love you for you, and go out and make new friends!
Forget that bitch.
Pokeymanz: 4081 1995 6825 (If you add me, let me know!
This "bitch" friend of yours would you say that you were "good, great, possibly even best friends" as the OP has indicated he was with his friend?
If not, well, your advice is, I don't know...
Since when is trying to find out what the fuck happened between best friends being anyones bitch?
Also, im invited to the wedding
Well at least we learned something. TV can teach us some useful stuff...and never do what Ross does.
Jokes aside, glad to hear things worked out in the end.
It's especially hard to have a strong platonic relationship when a woman is engaged to another guy, as mine is as well. Doubly so if he's the jealous type, and most are. It doesn't matter how innocent you claim it to be or it really is.
Sometimes it's easy to smother them and they get pressure from their man unit to quit interacting with you out of jealousy and it equates to stress which has to be relieved, sometimes in rather irrational ways.
It's a crappy hand to be dealt.
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
Cue a month later, and I didn't hear squat. I run into her outside a music store in Cork, and she told me that neither she nor the others had any real party, just a small gathering of friends. She said she'd said all her goodbyes and was ready to go. To this day I don't know how she could have mentioned that she'd said her goodbyes when she had not said goodbye to me. I haven't seen her or the others since, even though through some social sites like Bebo I learned that they had everyone get together over Christmas and had a great time, and one of the people we went to Hungary with was invited by her to join her in the UK for a weekend.
It really pissed me off and I still am very angry and confused about it. We were all the best of friends and then suddenly, she and the others were gone. How anyone can do that to a friend, I don't know.
Nothing's forgotten, nothing is ever forgotten