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Is telling your gf that you cheated on her the best choice? **Update page 2**
orgathoxx
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Pretty self explanatory. I am in a long distance relationship (2 hour drive away) with my girlfriend of a year and a half, and the other woman was in a relationship too. I majorly fucked up, kissed her, and now have no idea what to do. A lot of people seem to say "man up, be honest" or just not to say anything at all and telling her is selfish and only gets the guilt off of my chest.
Any advice?
***Update on page 2, with elaboration and a non-3rd grade rhetoric***
Any advice?
***Update on page 2, with elaboration and a non-3rd grade rhetoric***
orgathoxx on
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How old are you?
"You just kissed her? Pimpslap yourself for being dumb, and don't do that shit again."
Note: I'm not trying to draw a cheating/not cheating line here. I just think that in this specific scenario, he should just smack himself, cut that shit out, and not hurt anyone else.
Also, lolhighschool perhaps? College is out for the semester, unless you're in a summer term. :P
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
If you really want to man up, you'll deal with that yourself.
Does it matter? Kissing, infact, is serious business to a lot of girls. I'm twenty, my girlfriends is too, and I know if I ever kissed another girl I would have my balls smashed.
My advice is stop and think about it. Kissing isn't actually that bad but many girls will take it seriously. Do you 'love' your girlfriend? People make mistsakes. I wouldn't tell her, regardless, but if you aren't serious about this relationship break up with her now. She has the right to not be in a relationship wherein her significant other doesn't stay faithful to her.
Discuss this with her and listen to what she has to say. She's likely going to be very hurt, defensive and distrustful of you for quite some time. She may even choose to retaliate and do a bit of cheating on her own. Many people see something like this as a "get out of jail free" card. It's not the right thing to do, but it's not uncommon. Or, she may break things off with you entirely (and be justified in doing so).
In any case, use this as a learning opportunity and really decide if long distance relationships are right for you.
Also this. If you think you're going to do it again out of "boredom" or "it's just kissing" or any other justification, just break up with her. Don't live a lie.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
That's what makes this issue complicated, is that not everyone would rather know. From personal experience with a similar, reversed-role situation, I would have rather not known.
PSN/XBL: dragoniemx
Yep, same here. Not only that, but I would feel like absolute crap about it even though I did nothing wrong, and my SO would have had a huge weight lifted off her chest.
Also I didn't say it before, but I am also in agreement that you should probably break up with her if you aren't serious about it.
-If you tell her, and she cares, you have permanently damaged the relationship.
-If you tell her, and she dosen't care, you've made yourself look immature.
-If you don't tell her, and she cares, you continue the relationship but are forever burdened with your own guilt.
-If you don't tell her, and she dosen't care, same as above only you are gnawing away at yourself for no reason.
Seriously, though, you might want to re-evaluate the entire long-distance thing if this sort of thing can even creep up on you. If you were in the situation to be making out with someone, and it wasn't just "some chick started kissing me and I pushed her away", you clearly had enough reason to do so. Is your relationship satisfying your needs? It takes two to tango, and if you allow yourself to get into this, then your emotional attachment might not be where you think it is.
Thought: Why aren't you living near each other? What is really stopping you, and is the relationship not worth getting around this obstacle?
Another thought: If this is happening to you, what are the odds it is also happening to her. What would she do in the same situation?
Just playing the devil here. Some people can do long distance, but the amount of success stories compare to the amount of horribad cheating-and-drama stories are not skewed in your favor.
If I found out my bf cheated and didn't tell me it would be way worse than if he told me. I don't know if I can quite convey a woman's wrath in a post but it would be bad.
I mean, sure, different strokes and all that, but honesty, especially in matters of fidelity, is one of the cornerstones of a solid relationship. It is doubly important in a long distance relationship, I'd say.
If it was a momentary lapse then don't, as long as there isn't some way she's going to find out about it otherwise.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
So I vote that, if you don't think that the kiss was not an indication of unhappiness in the relationship, and that you really do want to keep going with the relationship, don't tell her.
And for all you
don't "man up and be honest" if you want to stay in the relationship
if you tell her the relationship is going to end
"getting the guilt off my chest" is a pretty handy way to go about ending a relationship that you obviously want out of
Indeed. Three people can keep a secret provided two of them are dead.
Something about this smells kind of like a troll thread, tbh, but I suppose it's possible you're using an alt and also aren't a particularly elaborate writer. In which case, bear in mind that there are good reasons to tell her, and good reasons not to tell her. But if your reason for not telling her is so that you can avoid the possible consequences of your actions, then you're a bit of a spineless coward, mirite?
Then it wasn't meant to be.
This is horrible advice. Horrible, horrible, horrible.
Honestly, if you're so upset about the situation to be posting on the PA Help/Advice Forums, it must bother you enough to be worth unburdening yourself and just telling her. Otherwise, your own guilt and distrust will devour you from the inside like a cancer.
My advice is just call her and talk about the situation. Honestly may not seem like the most painless solution in the short-term, but a month from now you'll feel a lot better yourself and your relationship with her that you could at least be truthful with her.
If you're not planning on staying together, you definitely shouldn't tell her.
Really, though, if you're in a long-distance relationship, and making out with other chicks, maybe it's time to re-evaluate. Especially if you're in high school or college, because that's a terrible fucking time to be in a long-distance relationship.
I've been with my girlfriend for 18 months, when I'm at school its an 7 hour drive, when I'm at home its a 2 hour drive. I see her probably 3-4 days every month, depending on school situation and her work schedule.
This new girl I had just met recently and we spent a whole night talking over facebook chat and stuff and we basically really started to dig each other and hung out the next day too. In retrospect I had a relative idea where the situation was heading, but for one reason or another I chose to ignore my rational side of my mind and just rolled with it. I think that knowing that I knew where it was going kills me the most, mostly because I chose to do nothing about it.
As for my current relationship, I really do love her and I want to be with her. If anything, realizing that what I have done not only jeopardizes the entire relationship but may also be a catalyst for ending it entirely, made me think of how much I would miss her and how much she means to me. I guess you realize how much something is to you when you're about to loose it, but I digress.
After talking over with my mom about this stuff (she felt uncomfortable that I was spending long periods of time with a woman that she had never met and was in a relationship, while I was simultaneously with somebody as well) I talked to the woman that I cheated on with, and we both mutually conceded that it was best that we stop talking and hanging out for an extended period of time. My current girlfriend will be coming down and spending a few days with me very shorty, and both of them think that spending the time thinking about my gf and not the other shit was best.
My girlfriend was obviously suspicious, since I told her that I was hanging out with this person, whom I had just met recently, for long periods of time, and denied any claim that anything happened. At the current point in time, she is hurt that i didn't listen to her that it was a bad idea to be hanging out with this person and that I need to make it up to her. I know that if I were to tell my gf, she would completely break down.
The chances of her finding out from somebody else are slim at best. She isn't very connected with my friends from home (since we met while she was visiting a friend at my school) so if she were to find out it would be because somebody would have called her and told her.
Anyways, I think that sums up everything. Obviously the new girl feels shitty about it, since she feels like we basically became really good friends, made out, and then aren't friends anymore in a 36 hour period, and I feel shitty for the same reason, but I've been with my gf for 18 months, I've known this new person less than a week? I guess now I just pray that the fates don't have it out for me and hope everything works out for the best, in one way or another.
For reading H/A for so many years and reading all of the girl threads, making one of my own really takes the fun out of it.
Despite the fact honesty worked for me my gut instinct tells me that if it was only one kiss you should probably keep it to yourself and learn from the experience.
Of course that depends if there's a chance your gf could find out on her own. If she could it may be better she hears it from you.
You need to weigh, morally, whether you think it best to tell her and accept the consequences, or break up and not tell her that's why. Staying in the relationship and not telling her is poison.
If you tell her, the trust in your relationship will suffer. It can get better if she is able to forgive you, but that's a consequence you need to accept. Being honest with her is your only option if you choose to tell her. No grasping at straws for justification or anything like that... just be up-front about it. Beating around the bush to try and mitigate the impact will only make things worse, because she'll know you're doing that, and will be less inclined to trust you.
If you don't tell her, the relationship will suffer. You'll always know what you did, and it's quite possible you'll project that guilt onto things she does as a means of trying to justify your own failings.
If you don't feel guilty, you're a douchebag. (Not saying you don't feel guilty, it seems you do, just saying...)
Based on that alone you should probably break up. With the making out with another chick? No question.
Well its worked out so far for the past year and a half, asides from a period when I thought that I wanted an open relationship to try and see other women, but that was unsuccessful to say the least and we got back together a few months later (we still talked every day, though).
Knowing her, the magnitude of the chasm that will come to be between us may well cause an end to the relationship, since she will not be able to trust me at all, and being in a long distance relationship that lack of trust seems to be accentuated even more. I don't want the relationship to end, whether because I am naiive and think that long distance relationships are awesome or I've just been with her for so long that thinking of life without her just mind-fucks me and makes me feel like I would just have an empty gap in my life, unable to be filled by any means other than excessive alcohol consumption and WoW.
I'll be a junior, actually (I'm young for my grade). The thing about the relationship was that she was my first real love, the first time I had sex, basically a lot of firsts in terms of physical and emotional situations. As I said above, I think that I'm just in so deep and its become habitual for me to just think of myself as being with her, and contemplating being in a situation where I wouldn't be makes me depressed and wanting to crawl back into her arms.
Also (totally irrelevant), how do I edit thread titles so they say that there are updates, etc.? (this can be answered by PM to avoid thread derailing)
But... she can't trust you.
Also, a girlfriend should accentuate your life, not fill a void.
I'm not trying to sound like I'm coming down on you, but if your alternative is "excessive alcohol consumption and WoW", you've got some things to work on.
Hmmm.
Sure, some people are polyamorous, but some people are just interested in dating other people to see what else is out there.
The short answer is you knew what you were doing, you knew it was wrong, and you did it anyway.
Everything else is just a bullshit rationale. There is no fix. There is only burning. One way or another, you will pay the price for what you've done. Its not just an 'accident'; this says you deliberately betrayed your relationship. So you broke your faith, and your trust, and your love. You turned your back on it and ignored it, willingly.
So, how do you unbreak it? Telling or not telling? No. Neither one of those things will change what you've done here. You can apologize if you want, sure. I'd get it out there, keeping something like this in will slowly eat you alive for a good long time. In the end though, you need to think about why you did what you did, and what it means that really you only 'love' your GF as a placeholder until something better comes along. You can spend the next years of your life trying to get it back, or you can take the hit, and move forward.
As an add to that, there is no back. Things between you have changed. Maybe you can score a different forward, but what you had is gone, whether you decide to be forthcoming or not.
I am not saying that long distance cant work, me and my gf made it work when we had to do it. That being said, you know you screwed up and you admitted to ignoring your rational thoughts even though you knew where it was headed with new girl. If you tell your current gf you will feel like shit for a little while. However, if you dont tell her you will feel like shit every second you are together.
Oh yeah, identical. The longer you drag it out, the worse it will be.
Listen to Thanatos.
Why? Sidebar: Let me tell you a little story
"Hey, do you know that Thanatos guy on H/A?"
"Yes...I mean, I know of him, why?"
"God, he is a huge asshole, he always disagrees with my advice"
"..."
That should have been a pretty big hint. The man's reasoning is now my standard for testing logic and problem solving skills
PSN/XBL: dragoniemx
What I've bolded are the things that, right off the bat, tell me the long distance thing isn't working for you. You seem to feel guilty, but at the same time are really happy with the new girl. The reactions toward your old lady friend are already in past tense, filled with guilt and regret, but little else. The reactions about the new lady show compassion, are in present tense, and a level of empathy that isn't in your text for your lady-friend.
You also lied already to your lady friend, which kinda is a deal-breaker when it comes to the situation. She knows you had the opportunity to cheat. The fact you did, and told her you didn't will cause lots of problems moving forward. If you tell her, you admit you are a liar. If your relationship is strong enough, it might work. On the other hand, if you don't tell her, she'll still probably figure it out. Your stiffness, awkwardness, etc will give you away.
Do you love her more than the new girl, honestly? Or is it habit and guilt that bring you back to her. If you are staying with her for destructive or artificial reasons, it won't be fair to either of you, and you should end it cleanly. If you truly love her more, and want to make it work, I think you should be honest. She already suspects, in all likelihood.
Of course, if the new girl really digs on you, and you her, perhaps you should persue it. There is obviously chemistry there.
Either way, you're in a bad situation and I wish there was an easy solution. At this point, you should sit down and think about what your true feelings are beneath duty, sexual attraction, societal expectations, and habit. Which would you go for if you were single?
The truth, much like the lime Sarcastro's post now resembles, is a bitter fruit to suck on.
Problem is, she is also in a relationship.
PSN/XBL: dragoniemx
She didn't seem to mind the first time. Odds are, its a similar situation to the main post.
Yeah she is in a relationship and her s.o. is gone for an extended period of time.
Also my parents don't want her coming over to the house ever again. Not that that is relevant, but seeing as I'm living at home, that complicates any hypothetical future.