Depression & Other Ass'td Problems - Psychiatry/Hypnotherapy?
cmorrs
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Normally I would be very careful about not sounding like a whiny man-bitch, but I think considering some of my issues you all will hopefully forgive me. Also this might sound difficult to read as it's 4:30 AM where I am and I'm probably going to spill my guts without much care for flow or conciseness. Forgive that as well if you would please.
Story goes like this:
I'm having some serious serious issues. I'm currently 20, more or less dropped out of college (took spring semester off, financial aid stripped away, and unless the transfer app I just put into a local state school gets accepted, I'll have to drop out of my current school), working semi-part time (14 hours a week??) at a pizza place that absolutely sucks (boss does nothing but yell and belittle her workers). I was at work today cleaning up and delivering pizzas when for about an hour I pretty seriously contemplated suicide (to the point of how it would be done, how my friends and family would react, etc). Also upset me to the point that I fought back tears a few times, almost asked to go home early. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in about a month, and the last time I cried myself to sleep. I just hate my life and where I am.
Some of this stems with the break up I had with my long distance girlfriend of about a year, occurring about 8 months ago. Issues are definitely deeper than that though, as a) it hasn't been on my mind all the time... I've tried forgetting about it, and it's been kinda successful. Have thought about it, but hurts about 1% as much as it did even 6 months ago b) I've had a lot of other issues that I think are related, including...
"Dropping out" of school, having no desire to study anything at the other schools I've looked at online. I consider something one day, then look at it again and say "why the heck did I think about doing that?". Or psyche myself out.
Wasting my days away on this freaking computer... an accomplished day for me (outside of going to work) is making a couple phone calls, playing guitar and maybe running an errand. Associated, I'd like to get better at guitar and start working out, but lacking motivation and commitment.
No friends?/Hanging out with friends but feeling like I'm not making enough of an impression for them to call me back. I usually can hang out with them if I call them, but very very rarely receive any sort of communication from them (outside of my best friend from preschool, who I enjoy hanging out with, but I like a broad reaching network). One possible issue is I'm coming off as a bitter asshole? Or trying to compensate by focusing too much on me when I talk to them?
Most recently... took a cross-country trip in March from Boston to Cali and back... 40 days long. Amazing experience that I thought would've given me some direction and perspective, plus a breather from all the shit at home. Instead I wind up with a possible misdemeanor charge in the southwest and back in the same kind of mental/emotional place I was months before, at least once the emotional high of the trip wore off.
I have no direction... I have very little interest in anything, especially going to school. This isn't a new thing. I took a semester off because my grades were sucking, in addition to being very very upset over the break up (for the first 2 weeks back from school, a full 2 months post-mortem, I did nothing but cry buckets). Come to think of it, most of the decisions made in my life have been in the interests of other people (especially parents, girlfriends, etc).
I have very low self-esteem. I have very little self confidence. I want someone to hold and make me feel alright, but I know that's not possible and I know I kinda need to make myself strong enough to stand on my own emotional and mental feet. Plus I haven't gone on a second or third date with any girl that I've met in the past 8 months. And the rest of them... well let's say if I'm not making a connection with my friends I'm sure as hell not creating romantic interest in the opposite sex.
To continue, I think about doing something, but I can't get myself to stand up and do it. Ex. going to apply for other, less sucky jobs; practicing guitar more; painting or trying something new; going out and meeting people.
Last six months? Consisted of me trying everything to avoid my problems, whether through travel or alcohol, or drugs. Feeling very alone most of the time, or on an unnatural emotional high that doesn't last (like after the trip, or thinking I have loads of friends when it turns out they're not there... not drug related). Returned to and now stuck in the same boring ass town I escaped when I went off to college. Parents generally want to help, but don't know where to start and don't understand. I don't open up to them much, as I'm worried about them judging me and controlling me and yelling. So I've been kinda static.
Considering therapy, either from psycho-analyst or hypno-therapist. I say hypno-therapist since I think much of my problems extend from mental blocks I have on my confidence and esteem. One particular website/hypnotist I was looking into in my area www.bostonhypnosis.com seems legitimate and promises a lot... which makes me both hopeful and skeptical...
So H/A... what should I do? Does hypnotherapy work? Should I look at a regular therapist? Should I go ahead with my ideas of suicide? General thoughts or advice?
Story goes like this:
I'm having some serious serious issues. I'm currently 20, more or less dropped out of college (took spring semester off, financial aid stripped away, and unless the transfer app I just put into a local state school gets accepted, I'll have to drop out of my current school), working semi-part time (14 hours a week??) at a pizza place that absolutely sucks (boss does nothing but yell and belittle her workers). I was at work today cleaning up and delivering pizzas when for about an hour I pretty seriously contemplated suicide (to the point of how it would be done, how my friends and family would react, etc). Also upset me to the point that I fought back tears a few times, almost asked to go home early. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in about a month, and the last time I cried myself to sleep. I just hate my life and where I am.
Some of this stems with the break up I had with my long distance girlfriend of about a year, occurring about 8 months ago. Issues are definitely deeper than that though, as a) it hasn't been on my mind all the time... I've tried forgetting about it, and it's been kinda successful. Have thought about it, but hurts about 1% as much as it did even 6 months ago b) I've had a lot of other issues that I think are related, including...
"Dropping out" of school, having no desire to study anything at the other schools I've looked at online. I consider something one day, then look at it again and say "why the heck did I think about doing that?". Or psyche myself out.
Wasting my days away on this freaking computer... an accomplished day for me (outside of going to work) is making a couple phone calls, playing guitar and maybe running an errand. Associated, I'd like to get better at guitar and start working out, but lacking motivation and commitment.
No friends?/Hanging out with friends but feeling like I'm not making enough of an impression for them to call me back. I usually can hang out with them if I call them, but very very rarely receive any sort of communication from them (outside of my best friend from preschool, who I enjoy hanging out with, but I like a broad reaching network). One possible issue is I'm coming off as a bitter asshole? Or trying to compensate by focusing too much on me when I talk to them?
Most recently... took a cross-country trip in March from Boston to Cali and back... 40 days long. Amazing experience that I thought would've given me some direction and perspective, plus a breather from all the shit at home. Instead I wind up with a possible misdemeanor charge in the southwest and back in the same kind of mental/emotional place I was months before, at least once the emotional high of the trip wore off.
I have no direction... I have very little interest in anything, especially going to school. This isn't a new thing. I took a semester off because my grades were sucking, in addition to being very very upset over the break up (for the first 2 weeks back from school, a full 2 months post-mortem, I did nothing but cry buckets). Come to think of it, most of the decisions made in my life have been in the interests of other people (especially parents, girlfriends, etc).
I have very low self-esteem. I have very little self confidence. I want someone to hold and make me feel alright, but I know that's not possible and I know I kinda need to make myself strong enough to stand on my own emotional and mental feet. Plus I haven't gone on a second or third date with any girl that I've met in the past 8 months. And the rest of them... well let's say if I'm not making a connection with my friends I'm sure as hell not creating romantic interest in the opposite sex.
To continue, I think about doing something, but I can't get myself to stand up and do it. Ex. going to apply for other, less sucky jobs; practicing guitar more; painting or trying something new; going out and meeting people.
Last six months? Consisted of me trying everything to avoid my problems, whether through travel or alcohol, or drugs. Feeling very alone most of the time, or on an unnatural emotional high that doesn't last (like after the trip, or thinking I have loads of friends when it turns out they're not there... not drug related). Returned to and now stuck in the same boring ass town I escaped when I went off to college. Parents generally want to help, but don't know where to start and don't understand. I don't open up to them much, as I'm worried about them judging me and controlling me and yelling. So I've been kinda static.
Considering therapy, either from psycho-analyst or hypno-therapist. I say hypno-therapist since I think much of my problems extend from mental blocks I have on my confidence and esteem. One particular website/hypnotist I was looking into in my area www.bostonhypnosis.com seems legitimate and promises a lot... which makes me both hopeful and skeptical...
So H/A... what should I do? Does hypnotherapy work? Should I look at a regular therapist? Should I go ahead with my ideas of suicide? General thoughts or advice?
cmorrs on
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I would say your best bet is to get in a routine which forces you outside and in unfamiliar places. Go play some pool or go bowling. Sit outside a coffee shop and have a conversation with someone. Yeah it'll feel lame at first but you'll be better for it.
When you hit your 20's you sort of figure out that life wont ever be the way it was when you were a teenager ever again and it's hard. You probably wont have a huge circle of friends like when you were growing up, and you will probably meet fewer people you want to hang out with. It's nothing to do with you, and more a part of growing up. People end out with responsibilities as well as families, they move away for school or end out in a masters program that occupies all of their time. Some go to the military and others go to jail.
It's an awkward time for everyone who goes through it, your social circle sort of evaporates all in the span of a couple years.
The good thing is this is when YOU pick what you want to do with your time. In doing so you also get to pick the types of people you hang out with and meet. There aren't little social troupes out in the big world the same way there are for teenagers and given enough time you'll laugh at all the crap you thought was important.
If you went to school with no real goal or desire you made a mistake. Big deal, lots of people do. It's the end result of you doing something because you probably figured you were supposed to. That wont be a good enough reason to do things anymore, you're an adult.
Yeah, you may need therapy or counseling but really your best bet is to stop the drugs and try and exist a little. As long as you're on recreational drugs, any sort of medication they give you for depression (which you may or may not have) might not do any good at all.
My advice?
-Go hang out somewhere, you don't need friends to do this.
-Figure out what actually makes you happy. (until you get out a little bit and try some stuff, this one wont happen)
-Call up that friend you have from pre-school and hang out, it's quality not quantity.
edit:
-GET SOME EXERCISE - this one is probably most important. A little exercise every day has been shown to combat depression and elevate mood as well as some of the drugs out there. Even if it's just a 20 minute walk around your neighborhood or a game of hacky-sack (awesome thing to try by the way if you haven't, every circle I've ever gone to welcomes newcomers).
Also, Hypnosis is pretty dubious as a course of treatment.
Try to direct your focus outside of yourself. I suffered through years of depression and I finally realized that, what works best for me, is to forget about myself for awhile and serve others.
That sounds a little cheesy, so let me give a quick example or two.
Ask your parents if there's anything you can do around the house, whether it's just quick little chores (like if you see your mom vacuuming, offer to take over) or offer to take on a project, giving the whole basement a thorough cleaning, whatever, just stuff you can do to help out your parents.
Or do this at your job. You may not like your job and your boss may be a jerk, but that shouldn't stop you from kicking ass at it if it'll make you feel better. Even if you have to totally fake it - take off the mopey face, put some pep in your step, and clean and deliver and whatever else you do there with a bigass smile, make people wonder what the hell you're so happy about.
I was in a funk for a couple of years and that's what really pulled me out of it. I got a crappy job at a convenience store and it was awful. But I kept a smile on my face, I treated every alcoholic douchebag with respect and a smile, I cleaned like I actually cared, and did my job well. And as much as I hated that job, I felt good about myself when I went home after a shift. Eventually, this rebuilt my confidence and alleviated my depression enough that I finally was able to pick myself up and get a "real" job.
Depression is hard because it's a stealthy and painful form of narcissism almost. You have to make an effort to stop thinking about yourself (and that's really hard when you're depressed). Just think, ok, you know what, I don't care if I'm sad, I don't care how I feel right now... what can I do to help someone else today?
I think Dispatch has some great advise here, but as someone who suffers from depression and who is without insurance for the next two months I want to address, specifically, the "motivation" question, which seems at the absolute center of everything (and is for me, too.)
Now I'm an out of shape smoker who doesn't sleep right and relies on various medications to get my body to actually go down for the night. I'm tired and unmotivated all day. I do a good job at work, but as soon as my day is done, I'm back to my apartment to watch television and ignore my friends' phone calls (when they come.)
I know that my best chance at getting things into a better spot would be to exercise more. I know that quitting smoking and putting down the sleep meds would make me more alert, interested and engaged.
For some reason (lack of motivation) putting together a routine is well beyond my ability to sustain even when I know that it would absolutely turn my life around in the span of a few months.
So, the lesson is that oftentimes we are too stubborn, too prideful or just too unmotivated to actually make changes ourselves.
What I suggest is to talk to your mother or father and let them know what's going on. In situations like this people often need a stable support network which will kick your ass into doing the right thing, which is seeing a doctor to begin to sort this all out. I know a number of friends who have gone to a psychiatrist to talk while being prescribed anti-depressants to immediately counter the lethargy (weaning off after a number of months of progress, when routines have been established.)
Best of luck.
Get a hobby. You don't have to really stick with any one thing, just go do it. For example, since you are on a computer all the time, see if your local University has a regularly held LAN party or gaming club. You don't have to be a student to join these, and most people in these clubs are just like you, trying to find more friends and have a generally good time.
Go to bars, stay for four hours, and drink one beer very slowly. Talk with the Bartender, the other patrons, play some pool with a stranger (ask if you can play winner of an existing game). Most people at bars are just like you, trying to find friends and have a generally good time.
Try something completely odd-ball and out of character. Go to your local card/game/nerd store and draft a game you've never played, allowing the regulars to teach you. Find a basketball court/volleyball net at a local park that is often used and ask if you can join in. Go for a walk downtown and talk to anyone and everyone.
Smile at everything and everyone. Cheesy at it sounds, so long as you aren't doing the creepy-joker smile, people will start smiling back. Force yourself to be super cheerful, it will make those around you cheerful more likely than not, and that eventually will rebound and stick to you.
The rest of the advice is great, but this is what you really need to do.
The easiest option may be to make an appointment with your regular family doctor. They should be able to give you a screening for depression, and they can start you on anti-depressants if you both decide that medicine is a good idea. They can also give you a referral for counseling.
If you still have insurance through school, or access to your school's student health center, you can also try going through them. School counseling services can have a fairly long wait to get an appointment, however, and you do not want to wait at this point. So if they can't see you in a week or two, call somewhere else. You can look up counseling services (psychotherapy is a great place to start) and make an appointment with them instead.
You may be asked if you can wait for an appointment, or if you need one immediately. If you get this option, I recommend saying that you need an appointment immediately.
Finally, as hard as it may be, it can help to confide in someone you trust - a parent, a sibling, or a friend - about how you feel and what you're doing to start getting better.
Not, "if" they give the option. I know most campus health services have built in "emergency" appointments for exactly this situation. You, OP, are thinking of hurting yourself, and you need to communicate the immediacy of this issue to get an appointment within 24 hours.
I also wholly believe that telling a friend/family member is crucial. They're the ones who will ensure that you get this sorted out. I mean, I've been depressed for years and years and still haven't seen a doctor because I'm depressed and can't muster the initiative to make an appointment. If I told my mother, insurance or no, I would have an appointment within a few weeks.
Steam / Origin & Wii U: Heatwave111 / FC: 4227-1965-3206 / Battle.net: Heatwave#11356
Steam / Origin & Wii U: Heatwave111 / FC: 4227-1965-3206 / Battle.net: Heatwave#11356
No. You are in a bad time of your life, but it seems to be as a reaction to bad events. You can have every confidence that in the future, things will be different. A lot of people (including myself) go through a very bad time in the transition from childhood to adulthood, and it often seems like nothing will ever get better. This is incorrect. As you get the "hang" of adult life, you will find things gradually get better and better.
For now, go to a doctor. He or she will be able to help you with counselling and/or medicine. If your depression is serious enough that you are seriously considering suicide, hypnosis is not really the most helpful thing. It's more for people with minor problems like phobias, or difficulty giving up smoking.
What you need is more self confidence. Think of life like a computer game. In a game, you don't go straight into playing the hardest level first. You start off learning how to walk forwards, fire a gun, open your inventory, and so on. Each success leads to another slightly bigger success, until you become a good player of the game without hardly noticing it.
You need to introduce something like a tutorial level into your life. You need small successes to boost your self-esteem for more difficult dilemmas. Each day, set yourself a task for the next. Start off with something small like completing a game you have had hanging around nearly complete for months. The next day, phone a friend who you have not seen for months and catch up on their life. And so on. Little by little, do harder and harder things, until finally you can do anything you feel like.
The key is to decide the thing you are going to do the previous day, and the next day, you do it. If it seems hard, try something silly like pretending you are a robot who must obey the commands of it's master. Don't put the task off, but do it at the earliest possible time, and reward yourself afterwards.
Try and persuade yourself to have positive thoughts. If you see a beautiful sunset, luxuriate in it. Don't bring negativity to pleasure by thinking "I wish I had a girlfriend to watch this sunset with". Find pleasure in the smallest things. If you get a favourite food in a 2-for-1 offer, feel happy, and don't hold back over feeling happy over it, even though it's a very small thing. If you miss all the traffic lights on the way home, congratulate yourself on how lucky you were. After a while, feeling happy becomes a habit.