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Critique this!

MalyonsusMalyonsus Registered User regular
edited July 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
So I've decided to try this online dating thing, having been inspired by the recent D&D thread. Here's my profile, be vicious:

Fake edit: Maybe my screen name wasn't the best choice. I wanted a random math term and picked one that sounded like "monotonous". Or makes it sound like I'm fat. Think that's a problem?

Also I could probably use some more, better pictures.

Live: Malyonsus | PSN: Malyonsus
Wii: As soon as I look it up.
Malyonsus on


  • JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Caaba Beankomy XobthroRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    well, the first thing I see, in regards to your profile name, is people thinking you are boring like you said, or people thinking you are some kind of asian sterotype guy.

    The next thing I notice is that you seem to be a bit down on yourself. It seems like when you say something good about yourself you follow it up with something bad. Probably not going to get the ladies that way.

    edit: be honest, but remember, you are selling yourself.

    JebusUD on
    And I won, so you lose,
    Guess it always comes down to.
  • KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    "I am an unapologetic nerd. I decided long ago that I wasn't going to beat the stereotype, so I might as well go whole-hog. "

    This doesn't sound like a good line to me. I don't like the "beat the stereotype" part, it sounds like you resigned yourself to being the person you currently are because you couldn't change.

    "is that I seem shy until they get me going, then I am all too willing to expound upon things at length. "

    So many people put this (I was guilty of it too) that I'm pretty sure girls are tired of hearing this.

    Your profile reads okay, but not great..just a kinda generic. There's nothing that POPS!

    And get a smiling picture. You have a good clear face pic which is good, but you need to lighten up and smile. I actually think that could go for most of your profile. It reads pretty serious, like a term paper or something.

    I did like the Death Star problem. Really original and shows you off in a good light.

    Kyougu on
  • MalyonsusMalyonsus Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I removed the nerd line immediately because it was a quick easy fix. Working on some other stuff, too. One of my problems is that I find it hard to be humorous on my own. I'm much better at riffing on something someone else just said (which I imagine is true for almost everyone).

    And yeah, that 'term paper' thing is something I've always had trouble with. If you went to my friends and said "[Malyonsus] is trying to get dates, but man, I read his personal and it sounded like a term paper." They'd probably laugh and say "Yeah, that sounds about right."

    Malyonsus on
    Live: Malyonsus | PSN: Malyonsus
    Wii: As soon as I look it up.
  • fiddlecrabfiddlecrab Registered User
    edited July 2009
    I've gone over most of your major points, and I hope this helps you. Go with your gut, because I don't want to put words in your mouth, so don't let me "change who you are" at a fundamental level. I think if you clean up these areas though, it will improve your listing substantially.

    1) "My movie watching generally occurs during get togethers with friends, and I'm pretty easy to please."

    This is bland. It may as well say "I only watch movies my friends pick and I have no taste." Obviously this isn't the case. If you want to play the "I like everything" card, then just put some of your absolute favorite ever movies with representation from a few genres. (You were on the right track with examples of what you like.)

    2) "I was raised on "Classical Kids, so my favorites skew that way. I'm a sucker for a well written concerto. Despite that, I do enjoy a variety of genres. A quick iTunes shuffle brings up Lynyrd Skynyrd, Kenny G, a video game remix, Boston, The Seatbelts, and a song from Les Miserables."

    Ditto what I said above. I realize "What music do you like?" to anyone who has a broad appreciation is an impossible question. I hate answering it, too, because I don't like one genre or two, I like everything such that it connects with me. Just rework this paragraph, I think. Right now it is reading a bit "bad copy on the back of a cereal box". It's trying to sell you, but it's not doing the best job it could. Don't just tell me what's on your iPod. Elaborate on what composers/pieces are your favorite, or what CD has been in your car for 3 months straight, who you saw at a show and absolutely love now. Stuff like that. It's the specifics that define you and make you stand out, so go ahead and tell us what they are.

    3) "A reading light, so my reading is not constrained by the solar cycle."

    This sounds really nerdy. There's nothing at all wrong with being huge into reading, but just the phrasing and "solar cycle" while being accurate is stiff and "term papery" like others have said. It makes you sound a bit antisocial and "robot". To put it another way, you sound like Lt. Commander Data from Star Trek TNG. (And yes, I realize that I just referenced Star Trek and called you nerdy.) Maybe something like "a reading light, so i can read through the night/until the sun comes up/etc"

    4) "what I'm going to say before I say it."

    Just doesn't sound too great. I'd go with a different angle. Anyone who meets you will probably instantly get whether you're a reserved speaker or you mouth off with what's on your mind. Mentioning it here makes it sound like you're socially awkward, or worry about what to say. Not someone I want to spend a date with.

    5) "My Fridays tend to be pretty quiet, since my friends usually reserve Saturday or Sunday for activities."

    It's fine that this is what occurs, but to me it reads like "I wait around on the weekends for my friends to call and invite me somewhere." Don't make it sound like your friends do all the planning and run your social life. Girls want to hang out with *you*, so make yourself a bit more appealing, "take charge" and fun. Don't go overboard and say that you go hang gliding and teach a Salsa class, but rephrase it to something like: "On the weekends I usually hang out with my friends and catch a movie, if I'm not working on my latest project." etc etc

    6) As Kyougu said, this is a bit of a problem: "is that I seem shy until they get me going, then I am all too willing to expound upon things at length. "

    It's one extreme or another you're describing. It sounds like you'll clam up and make her do all the talking and then once you feel comfortable, you won't shut up. Neither is appealing. If you want to be up front about the shyness, just describe it differently. Otherwise, there's probably something else that people notice about you, right? (You're outgoing, responsible, friendly, smiling, etc. Emphasize positive qualities, not negative ones.)

    One last thing: Get a smiling photo!

    On the good side, much of what you have is personal and clever. You have a good foundation here. Your life summary reads well. It tells specifically what you do and enjoy, and the music group adds an edge that says you have a life outside of work.

    Your "you should contact me if" is perfect. Smile worthy, good parting shot, and it reiterates that the type of person you're looking for will have similar interests and habits. Same with the 'chick lit' comment. It's interesting but nothing too personal, and you threw in the Kindle line which ties it all back to you being fairly geeky.

    Basically as someone said above: you're selling yourself. Again, don't lie, because that can backfire in all sorts of bad ways, but think about TV commercials or product packaging. There's a certain amount of hype/interest/desire/curiosity that you have to build in order to provoke a positive reaction. You have to make what you say count, because this channel of communication is the only way to get someone off the couch and in the store, so to speak.

    If you picked up a soda and it said "Classic Cola is a soda made from quality ingredients. It tastes pretty good, if you like cola. You should try it." You'd put it down and move on to the next one.

    Now if it said: "Super Cola is made from an exotic blend of ingredients sourced from around the world. It's crisp, refreshing cola taste is the perfect compliment to any day! Try one today, your tastebuds will thank you!" You would think a lot harder about buying it.

    There aren't any truly bogus claims, it's just that one is a better advertisement than the other. And one cola is going to sell and the other is going to sit on the shelf until it expires.

    This is your advertisement.

    Be Super Cola.

    fiddlecrab on
  • Hey AshtrayHey Ashtray Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I want a shirt now that says 'Be Super Cola' on it. I feel so inspired. FIDDLECRAB FIX ALL MY PROBLEMS!

    Hey Ashtray on
  • Blake TBlake T Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    You could consider this a 'code monkey' job, but I do get to talk with non-computers people like meteorologists or air traffic controllers, which is nice.

    You are kinda talking down your job.

    Change it to something more like.

    Despite working at a desk I get to run out of the office and get down to the airport which is a nice change of scenery.

    a lot of my time is often spent on less productive things like Wikipedia sojourns.

    You are talking yourself down again. I would just leave it out.

    you checked my work on that Death Star problem up there.

    This is cute but A) you did not capitalize the word "you" and B) it's such an extreme subset even if you were a girl I'd kind of give it a half smile and not think of it much and I'm a nerd, it's the last thing they will look at and I'm not sure it's as strong as it could be.

    Blake T on
  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Both sarcastic and verbose have negative connotations to them.

    Hey, maybe when we meet up I can make mocking little jabs at the things you find interesting, and then later we can have a long, condescending discussion about the words I use that you don't seem to understand. Pick you up at seven?

    (Contrast and compare to; observant and well-read)

    Sarcastro on
    Edcrab wrote: »
    "See," said Lucifer, "God's an asshole."
  • ElinElin Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Nit picking from a female point of view.

    Yes, you're a nerd and probably looking for a like minded girl but your profile reads like you are trying too hard to be a nerd.

    I tried to read Twilight and looked at my husband and said "It's like she threw up a thesaurus all over the page and called it good." I didn't read past the first 5 pages, and that's how your profile reads to me. "Sojourns"? Yes, I know what the word means, but it's also unnecessary.

    Randomly not capitalizing words. A pet peeve of mine, and one that stopped me from responding to a few people back in my online dating times.

    Change the "You should message me if" thing. Really, you will lose a lot of girls on that one. Just because she can't do that math doesn't mean she doesn't want someone that does.

    "Chick lit" Yeah, change that. Really. What the hell is chick lit. If you think it's romances and such .. shudder.

    Really, the overall issue with the whole thing is the writing. To me, and maybe it's just me, you write like you're trying to sound smart. You obviously are smart, you don't need to over do it with hyper formality and an over active vocabulary.

    Elin on
    3DS 1461-7082-5181 --- PS4 Hypacia
  • MalyonsusMalyonsus Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I made a bunch of changes, didn't catch Elin's suggestions, so they're not incorporated yet. I didn't think I missed any capitalization, except where the category didn't end in a period. Should I capitalize that anyway?

    If I *did* make grammar mistakes, please please tell me. I somehow missed a question on the "commonly misused words" test and I can't figure out which one it was and it's been bothering me for days.

    I thought 'chick lit' was pretty well defined by everyone, including fans. My conception of it includes "Confessions of a Shopaholic" and "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants". Am I wrong?

    Also, it's sort of mixed on the "death star contact me if" part. I figured it was clearly tongue-in-cheek, but awesome if they actually *did* check it, but if it comes off as restricting, I'll by all means remove it.

    I *think* I caught all the 'utilize' instead of 'use' -ish problems, but if it still seems like I'm intentionally 'overspeaking' let me know.

    Edit: I went back and capitalized all of the first words of sections, even if it was a continuation of the section heading, because it looks better (thanks Elin).

    Malyonsus on
    Live: Malyonsus | PSN: Malyonsus
    Wii: As soon as I look it up.
  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Elin wrote: »
    Really, the overall issue with the whole thing is the writing. To me, and maybe it's just me, you write like you're trying to sound smart. You obviously are smart, you don't need to over do it with hyper formality and an over active vocabulary.

    This. The mark of intelligence is to take complex things and make them simple. Going the other way undermines the point you are trying to make. There's no need to prove yourself- doing so needlessly showcases insecurity. Let it come through naturally, it'll be far more effective.

    EDIT: Just re-read after you mentioned the update. Looking much, much better.

    Sarcastro on
    Edcrab wrote: »
    "See," said Lucifer, "God's an asshole."
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