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[Alcoholism] So I think a friend of mine might be an alcoholic...
Professor Phobos
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I don't normally see this friend (very close) outside of group/social situations, so I had just grown accustomed to the guy being a heavy drinker.
But another friend, who gave me a lift home from an evening at the Friend I'm Worried About Now's place (we played BSG the board game) took the opportunity to mention that he thought the Friend I'm Worried About is an alcoholic.
Now, this was something I'd basically missed- I'd have said he was borderline, at worst, but this other friend sees the guy more regularly in everyday sorts of situations and apparently he's drinking fairly heavily every day, even while alone or just with his fiancee- who also drinks fairly heavily when they're both together and neither has to be the designated driver.
Warning Friend doesn't think he can make an approach- he tried two years ago and it caused some drama, he's viewed as self-righteous (he is self-righteous) and so he doesn't think he can intervene, so he spoke to me about it.
I agree with his assessment, and now I'm kind of mad at myself for not noticing earlier.
Anyone have an experience with something like this? Advice?
But another friend, who gave me a lift home from an evening at the Friend I'm Worried About Now's place (we played BSG the board game) took the opportunity to mention that he thought the Friend I'm Worried About is an alcoholic.
Now, this was something I'd basically missed- I'd have said he was borderline, at worst, but this other friend sees the guy more regularly in everyday sorts of situations and apparently he's drinking fairly heavily every day, even while alone or just with his fiancee- who also drinks fairly heavily when they're both together and neither has to be the designated driver.
Warning Friend doesn't think he can make an approach- he tried two years ago and it caused some drama, he's viewed as self-righteous (he is self-righteous) and so he doesn't think he can intervene, so he spoke to me about it.
I agree with his assessment, and now I'm kind of mad at myself for not noticing earlier.
Anyone have an experience with something like this? Advice?
Professor Phobos on
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Or does he just hit the piss to pass the time and enjoy himself more?
How does he know he's drinking heavily alone if he's alone?
When I think of alcoholics I picture my uncles. Get off work, buy a case of Natty Lights (alcohol to cost ratio is immense) and start drinking. One after the other. Maybe they're doing stuff while they drink, but they always have a beer in their hand. I'm not talking 2 or 3 or 4 or even 5, I'm talking like 11 or 12, until they fall asleep. EVERY night. I brush my teeth every night. They drink a dozen cans of beer. Maybe have friends over, usually alone.
One uncle decided he was too unhealthy and started going to the gym...and grabbing the case on the way home.
And if they don't get that beer? That's a big problem. Does your friend sound like that? It doesn't help that "drinking heavily" is pretty subjective
My understanding is he starts drinking as soon as he gets home and pretty much goes until he goes to bed with the fiancée in their apartment. The two are not a very good influence on one another in this regard.
Yeah. As long as they stay careful about never driving and drinking, it's his life. I'll keep an eye on it, but it's not really my place to meddle.
Go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's for friends and families of alcoholics to talk about their issues and learn how to deal with them.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
If, on the other hand, you think his drinking is impairing his life in any way, or that it's an outlet for some kind of depression or inability to go through the day sober, then you might want to try talking to him. Just don't be presumptuous about it. Spending every night wasted isn't really an indicative symptom of alcoholism. You'll just sound like a disapproving stick in the mud if you approach him from a "I hear you drink too much" perspective.
It doesn't mean that you can't be concerned as a friend, but only if you yourself see something to be concerned about. As such, you only have hearsay to go on, so labeling the guy an alcoholic is a little excessive.
You don't mention ages, either. If the guy turns out to really be drinking a shitlot all the time, then it stand to reason that he's going through a phase if he's, say, 21 (pretty much par for the course) but if he's 35 then he really should know better.
Does he work or go to school? If either of the two, does he attend either while under the influence? There may be underlying factors here that you don't know about...maybe his fiancee stresses him out, or maybe work or school does, so when he comes home he feels like he needs to drink just to unwind.
This situation is very hard for a friend to approach, because if you come on too strongly then all you're going to do is piss him off (as it seems your other friend has taken the liberty of doing in the past).
Weaboo List
Is his life going down the tubes due to his drinking? Can he not control himself? Is it impacting his relationship with you in any way (which it apparently is not, since you didn't even notice)?
There's a difference between being addicted to alcohol and abusing alcohol. Honestly? Some people just like being drunk. They get to bed at a decent hour and work happily then they come home and unwind by getting drunk. Some people live that way all their lives.
Limed for what's going on. It's your friend's life, and his choice what to do with it. If his behavior while under the influence of alcohol endangers you or hurts you emotionally, then maybe you have grounds to talk to him about it. If you don't like being around people who drink heavily, well then you have the issue, and not him.
Otherwise, you're just being pretty nosy and self-righteous yourself.
Take this as if you were him. It should give you an objective view, at least, of his situation. Maybe you can show the website to him and he'll realize that he's got some issues.
My point is that what's totally normal for some people looks like a real problem for others.
Phobos, you need more than just suspision to confront someone over alcohol use. That isn't to say that you may not be on the right track. People drink for many, many reasons. Often, what begins as a temporary escape or a fun activity does indeed "cross the line" into destructive behavior. When I was drinking, I'd go to my classes, take care of my duties and then grab the 40 or vodka and go to town. Every night. Sometimes all day on weekends when I didn't have things to do. If there was an event or other evening activity, I'd be drunk. For two semesters I had a 6-9pm workshop. Drunk.
I graduated with honors and high departmental honors. But I was a total mess.
Usually people don't accuse others of having a problem with a substance unless there's reasonable cause. People generally aren't out to screw over their friends by starting rumors, and if your buddy thinks there's a problem don't dismiss it out of hand.
Keep an eye out. If this guy is drunk every night, if he is hungover every day there may be something to the worries.
I was an immensely functioning alcoholic, to the point where I fooled even my closest friends for nearly three years. Then again, by that point there weren't too many left.
My point is that just because it's "his life" doesn't mean that you don't have the right to be concerned. My parents, friends and partner all showed concern for me, and while I hated them at first I really hated myself for becoming the pathetic screw-up I was. When I made the decision to quit drinking it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but with their support and help I made it through. And then I loved them all that much more for sticking with me.
You, yourself, won't change anything so don't get some crusader complex going. What you can do is be realistic. If there's an issue, bring it up. See if this friend wants to talk about it. See where he's coming from. Frankly, if you can have a rational conversation he's probably fine. If you get yelling and disdain and anger, your friend most likely has a problem.
Remember that you're concerned, not pissed.
Beyond anything, remember that you're an outsider. Some people desperately want to change their behavior, others simply aren't ready. Have patience and above all else keep your eye out. We alcoholics need as many pillars of support as possible when we admit our faults and begin to recover. He's still the same guy under it all.
I'm unconvinced from your description that your friend is an alcoholic, but I can see the possibility. Just remember that you're the powerless one. Only he can make that change, and if he does he'll probably need some help.
Hah, i just took that test:
"More than 93% of the general adult American population, and 88% of men consume fewer drinks per week than you reported consuming. "
then again, my answer to the OP would be the same as the insight provided at that link:
"Finally, if you experience any of the following:
• you are not able to stop drinking once you have started;
• you fail to do what is normally expected from you because of drinking;
• you need a first drink in the morning to get yourself going after a heavy drinking session;
• you feel guilt or remorse after drinking;
• you're unable to remember what happened the night before because you had been drinking,
• you are injured as a result of your drinking;
• a relative, friend, or doctor expresses concern about your drinking or suggests you cut down
This may indicate an alcohol problem.
Just drinking frequently, or copiously, does not mean one is an alcoholic... having the drinking affect your life negatively is what makes you one.
welp...