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Girlfriend Moving In...
gigEsmalls
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In September my girlfriend will be moving in and somehow I always keep screwing it up in the past, mainly due to moving too fast in the relationship. First time I asked a a girl the first weekend we met. Second time, a few weeks. This time, we've been together for over two years so I think I matured some.
My question is money. She is a student working on her Masters and works part time so doesn't make as much as I, her current place is $400/month. My mortgage is $1700/month so is asking for $300 from her fair? How do I really determine what's fair?
My question is money. She is a student working on her Masters and works part time so doesn't make as much as I, her current place is $400/month. My mortgage is $1700/month so is asking for $300 from her fair? How do I really determine what's fair?
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My girlfriend and me live together. We split everything down the middle. But we live in an apartment and not a house.
I would go with $400.
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But that's just my perspective on it, I come with no real expertise in this area and just gut instinct from personal experience. In my situation, when I moved in with my girlfriend (and now wife), I just took over paying for everything... which I think, in retrospect, was a mistake. It set a bad precedent that is now very hard to reverse. So don't let her bum a free ride whatever you do.
As VT said, if she is struggling, yeah, then $250 - $300 should be good.
I mean, it seems fair to me. If I'm making 20,000 while my boyfriend, SO, husband, whatever makes 60,000... I don't think its quite fair to split the bills down the middle, you know?
I'm not sure it's really that simple. The way I see it is that when you have a couple where those involved make significantly different amounts of money, you have two options: 1, you spend a lot less money overall, so that the lower wage earner can contribute their fair share, or 2, the higher wage earner accepts that if they want to do things that are a bit more expensive they may have to shoulder more of the burden.
I think it definitely varies on a couple by couple basis. My gf and I got an apartment together in June. She makes almost twice what I do. We split most expenses (rent, utilities, groceries) right down the middle, but beyond that she knows that if she wants to do things that cost more money she might have to pay for it, and she's fine with that.
My advice to the OP would be to talk to her. See what financial contribution she feels comfortable making to the arrangement. If you're comfortable enough to move in together, you should be able to have this conversation.
It's not unreasonable to expect her to contribute as much as she comfortably can. That said, once her studies are complete and she gets a full-time job, you may want to think about a readjustment of your finances. That is, rather than just collecting rent from her, you guys begin to split the expenses more evenly.
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Did you have a roommate, or would you be considering getting one to help with the mortgage? Are you having difficulty paying the mortgage and all your expenses? That would change things.
I...I have trouble following your logic. Just because she's your girlfriend, you don't charge rent? I mean, it's an expense on both of your parts - in a relationship, you're on the fringes of developing a "community" of two people...I mean, I'm just confused, you could apply that logic to him: because he's her boyfriend, he shouldn't have to pay rent.
See what I'm getting at? Sort of a double standard. People should pay their fair share - obviously you don't want to be money hungry and greedy as hell, but that's why people suggested a reduced rent if she was struggling.
This is why you sit down and talk with her.
My wife and I own a house, and we decided that it makes a lot more sense for me to simply pay the mortgage and she covers the utilities, car insurance, etc. It's not equal, but it filters out to other aspects as well. She ends up with more "extra" money because her paycheck isn't used up as much, so she typically pays for the groceries, and some other stuff. Our paychecks are relatively equal, and we still do it this way because it's pretty easy to just say "OK, you handle this" than trying to shift money around to pay for portions.
In other words, what we did is sat down and did a budget together. It's not hard -- approach it in the sense of "OK, these are our bills, here's how we pay for them." She should obviously have SOME part of it, and if all of her money is truly leftover then she should cover the "fun" stuff like going out for dinner, whatever.
At the end of the day we are probably spending the same percentage of our income on bills (which some people are advocating as a good way to share the load fairly), but because I make many times what she does it can lead to her feeling like she's getting the shaft at times. I do have more disposable income than she does, but I'm also paying for everything when we go out or on vacation and I'm the one zealously saving for our retirement. At times she doesn't put all of that into perspective, but I found being open with my finances helps avoid any issues.
I just went through this with my ex, and it was one of the ugly points of contention at the end. From her point of view, she had paid money into my mortgage, but I still owned 100% of the house. From my point of view, she was paying less rent for more space than before she moved in. I also paid all of the utilities, on the premises that 1) I work from home, and so am using more of the utilities, and 2) I make way more money. On paper, we both came out ahead -- her living expenses were reduced, and I had extra money to put into the house. In reality, it worked fine for a couple of years, but became a big point of contention when the relationship went belly-up, and she moved out feeling like she had paid equity into the house but didn't own any of it.
So yeah, it can be a minefield. Being up front about expectations is really the main thing, whatever arrangement you decide on.
You have a point, although the notion is that she is 'renting' from you. A normal tenant wouldn't bat an eyelash because he was paying into your mortgage without him owning anything.
The thing is, she is getting a good deal on the rent, she has not responsibilities towards the mortgage, yet if she sticks around (and marries him) she does own the house. I can make several rational arguments why she is getting the good end of the deal (although I can also see where things can go wrong).
Do understand though, if you're receiving rental income then there are most likely tax implications (though there may be a minimum amount of rental income required to be earned for this to kick in). Besides how to declare the income and how it's taxed, I'm not sure how renting out a room in your homestead might affect your homestead exemption.
SkyGheNe, I don't really think it's a double-standard. If she were in the better financial situation and was the property owner I'd think it weird if she were charging him (her boyfriend) rent. I'll admit there is a means-testing-like element to it though.
Anyways, good luck to you gigEsmalls, whatever you decide just make sure you do your best beforehand to address possible money issues that might arise. Relationships can get hairy enough without people getting all resentful towards each other over money.
Edit: To clarify, when I suggested she pay some bills, I was suggesting just that: she pay the bills directly, NOT that they get transferred in her name. Entities to whom you owe money usually don't give a shit who pays; she calls, gives the account number to the service in question, then gives her credit card info. Same goes for auto-drafts from checking. My wife and I did this for each other all the time, even before we got married.
But since that's what you're doing, I'd strongly suggest she just pay X dollars worth of bills. So if the cable and phone bills add up to about $300, have her just pay those every month. It makes things a lot easier, and then there's no issues with her paying the mortgage so she feels/(is legally?) entitled to the house, etc.
It's just better for both of you if you've had this conversation before anyone moves in rather than if shit hits the fan and you're trying to sort stuff out.
as a homeowner, any money anyone gives me is sort of "going towards my mortgage." Unless you agree that what she's paying is some sort of investment, it shouldn't be assumed.
As for utilities it's kinda high mainly because of the cable bill, it's about $170/month and rest is about $120/month. I hadn't added the HA fee, which is about another $80/month. Fucking Comcast.
I could see your point if you were saying it is weird to charge her rent if she was just spending the night or a week or something, but if she is going to be there long time, she should really split some of the cost unless they come to an agreement. Why should he have to pay everything just because he asked her to move in?
But either way, you are doing the right thing in talking to her and laying everything out so things don't cause a lot of trouble later on down the line because you both assumed different things. (also $170 seems like a lot for a cable bill, mine is maybe $70)
I still think doing a budget together makes sense, both so that she has some responsibilities for living there and so that she sees that you're actually paying for the space. If she pays all the utilities and you pay the mortgage, she might forget that you're paying a much larger sum because she has to pay more bills overall.
Technically you're right that there's is no difference between her paying Comcast or her giving him the money, but one, it can be easier to setup and maintain - she can just do auto-bill pay, then doesn't have to write him a check, he doesn't have to stress about asking for it, etc. Also it avoids the renter/tenet thing that may get awkward or downright ugly if there's issues later on.
Chances are yes. Gone are the 50's where it is financially viable to have a partner at home who's contribution is housework and food preperation (not saying these things aren't a task). Expecting some financial aide is not being dickish on your part.
Of course, I shouldn't open my fucking mouth, because my common law partner hasn't had a job for months. (curse my weakness!)
I am paying rent to live in a house my friend bought, for my 350 a month in rent I get my own room where I can put my own bed and dresser and computer desk. Having her move into a place you could already afford and "rent" a section of the house that contains you (the OP) and your bed just doesn't seem right.
Now on the other hand if you two we talking about getting a place together and where getting a place at a price your combined wages could support comfortably that would be another thing altogether.
This would logically mean that NOT having a bed means not paying rent; does one pay 1/2 rent if they sleep on a futon, because a futon is half bed and half couch?
A landlord doesn't give a shit if you sleep in an oversized drawer (a-la Seinfeld), from the ceiling like a man-bat or if you sleep at all. You are paying to have your collective shit in a residence that doesn't belong to you, so you don't have to rough it like our ancestors.
I believe some compensation is in order.
And my apologies if you think this was directed at you (anyone); this was not directed at anyone.
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What I am saying and maybe my attention to the possessions part of it screws with the point. The fact is she isn't getting personal living quarters. She would basically be paying for the right to sleep in the guys bed. Is she renting the living room? Is she renting the bathroom? Does she have any assurances of a place to live if the relationship goes south? Doesn't sound like it.
Not saying she shouldn't be contributing financially, or that $300-$400 isn't reasonable. But I would to work out a grocery or utilities help to recoup that support, not rent when really she isn't renting a damn thing.
The guy said he was paying a mortgage, which means it is a house, not an apartment, she might get her own room. And I still don't see where your reasoning is. He doesn't have personal living quarters either. If they are sharing a bed, he only gets half a bed. Why should she get to stay for free when he can't? Sure he would end up keeping the stuff afterward, but she is still paying for a shelter and all the same stuff he gets.
I would favor her paying the utilities in place of the rent/mortgage so that way on the off chance that things don't go well you won't have a dispute over having something of a 'shared' investment. This may be problematic in that she might take this as a signal that you're doubting the relationship.
As far as things like ratios or her paying less or more, I wouldn't try and turn this into a simple math problem. In the time I've been with my wife, even before she was my wife, we've flip flopped several times on who earns more and up until buying our condo, something we did after getting married. Up until then whichever of us made the most just paid either the rent or utilities, whichever was more. Since it sounds like your financial situations will be pretty stable for the near future you could plan on sticking with the mortgage, which again helps with the issue that might develop if things don't work out. I wouldn't make a big deal if she saves money or pays less than she already is, it's not a horrible thing in a relationship if one person helps the other in any number of ways, that's sort of what relationships are all about.
If you both decide to go with just paying percentages of everything or if in some way she pays into the mortgage fund, you might just see about coming to a written agreement about what happens if you part ways. Though this proposition is riddled with potential relationship killers.
No, she gets the right to share a bed, share a kitchen, share the house.
I mean if you moved in with a significant other would you sleep in another room? If the relationship goes south someone usually moves out, it's par of the course.
I really can't wrap my head around the issues you are having with this.
She is living somewhere and storing her possessions there, most people pay money for this privilege.
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As in roughly person A makes 60% of the total money combined monthly earnings of the 2 people, and person B makes 40% of the total combained monthly earnings. When anything is a joint payment person A pays 60% of the cost and person B pays 40%. Both parties end up paying the same percentage of the total money in their possesion.
Rent becomes for example 20% of each person's income per month. A makes $6000 per month, while B makes makes $4800. Total rent is $2000 so person A pays $1200 (60%), and person B pays $800 (40%).
So then she moves out and gets an apartment. If my bf and I break up then one of us still has to move out and get a new apt because who the hell lives in a one bedroom apt with the person they just broke up wit? It's pretty par for the course that when a relationship ends someone has to move out and get a new place.