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Boyfriend broke up with me.... *UPDATE*
AlyceInWonderland
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Guys.... I"m in a really awful state right now...
I ruptured a disk in my back, had to put my dog to sleep, my house caught on fire and I'm now living in a hotel for god knows how long, lost my job, and now, not even a half hour ago, my boyfriend broke up with me. Over the internet... cause he said I'd be too emotional in person.
Now, this is a huge blow, cause I didn't even see this coming. I thought we were going to be able to work things out like we normally do, but he told me that he doesn't see things working out between us. He said he no longer loves me and it wasn't my fault at all, but hopes we can be friends...etc.
He was my first boyfriend. My first everything. We were together for over 2 years and everything seemed fine.
He was awkward, hated my mom, hated his mom, and had a bad temper..... but I loved him any way... he treated me well. I still obviously love him, and I don't know how to get over it.
Plus with all this other crap... it's just too much. I'm going to miss having him around all the time. And I don't know if I'll be worrying if a guy will leave me in my other relationships... just randomly like this...
I've deleted all the pictures off my myspace and facebook, and I told him not to contact me (though he still has to pick up his things when he comes back from drill)
I don't even know how to meet guys properly. I commute from school cause I don't have enough money to pay for housing, my school doesn't have many clubs.... I don't even know what I'm going to do with my self in my spare time, cause everything I did, I did with him.
Help? I'm in a really bad spot right now....
I ruptured a disk in my back, had to put my dog to sleep, my house caught on fire and I'm now living in a hotel for god knows how long, lost my job, and now, not even a half hour ago, my boyfriend broke up with me. Over the internet... cause he said I'd be too emotional in person.
Now, this is a huge blow, cause I didn't even see this coming. I thought we were going to be able to work things out like we normally do, but he told me that he doesn't see things working out between us. He said he no longer loves me and it wasn't my fault at all, but hopes we can be friends...etc.
He was my first boyfriend. My first everything. We were together for over 2 years and everything seemed fine.
He was awkward, hated my mom, hated his mom, and had a bad temper..... but I loved him any way... he treated me well. I still obviously love him, and I don't know how to get over it.
Plus with all this other crap... it's just too much. I'm going to miss having him around all the time. And I don't know if I'll be worrying if a guy will leave me in my other relationships... just randomly like this...
I've deleted all the pictures off my myspace and facebook, and I told him not to contact me (though he still has to pick up his things when he comes back from drill)
I don't even know how to meet guys properly. I commute from school cause I don't have enough money to pay for housing, my school doesn't have many clubs.... I don't even know what I'm going to do with my self in my spare time, cause everything I did, I did with him.
Help? I'm in a really bad spot right now....
AlyceInWonderland on
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Stay calm in 2 aspects of your life, and do whatever you want in the rest:
Love and Work.
So! Just stay calm.
Love always,
Incomplete advice guy.
Just gotta work things through
concentrate on getting the important things sorted out first
Your dog and the boy aren't things you should worry about. Be sad and such, but don't try and find ways around what is happening, move on.
I'd suggest finding some relatives or friends to move in with to minimize your spending, and get yourself a simple job, just to get on your feet again.
You have more important things to worry about right now than a social life
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It's okay to have a moping period up to, oh, 4-6 weeks. Not much else to say besides do whatever you enjoy alone, or with friends. This frees you up to concentrate on other areas of your life without worrying about relationship drama.
Edit: Oh, and don't be lured into being friends with him, at least not without breaking off all contact for two or three months. Being "friends" right away will just make the breakup pain last longer.
That said, if things ever feel like they're getting too hard, I recommend a therapist. Think of that as a final option. Before it comes to that, try leaning on your friends more than you have in the past. In the past bad breakups have really made my friendships much more intimate and meaningful.
So think of the opportunities, if you can! This sucks, but once you've survived and beat this thing there's almost no chance that you won't be a stronger person for it.
Good luck though, everything I've seen from you around these forums lead me to believe you were too good for him anyway.
He was a weirdo. No body his age should be talking to 16 year old that often. He also wouldn't allow me to curse, and got pissed off if I got upset. Like if I started crying cause my dog died, he'd be like "You're crying again?"
But then I can't stop thinking about all the awesome times, and nice things he did, and that scares the shit out of me.
I just feel really alone now though.
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there is no way to get over someone, it just happens
give it time, dont think about being with him again, try to distract yourself from him, just kick yourself and move onto the next train of thought when you think of him
It's not like a trick, or a maneuver. It just takes time. Live your life as best you can, one day at a time. When that day is over, live the next one. In a couple weeks or months, it won't hurt anymore.
Just, what ever you do, don't contact him, and don't let him contact you, because that will screw over any progress you make in getting on with your life.
Times of crisis are unfortunately litmus tests for relationships. When some shit hits a fan, people tend to use that as a time to make a decision, and often it exposes some deeper issue. In this case, the boyfriend couldn't handle supporting you emotionally, so left.
That doesn't make it your fault, as you hand no hand in the things that have happened to you. Which, ultimately, reflects poorly on him. He's been a dick before, and now he leaves you in your time of need. Use it as a sign that he would have left you in the future anyway.
You don't need to find a new boyfriend, so don't worry about your commute or your class schedule. You don't need to find a new thing to do with your time -- your life is crazy right now, and the last thing you need to do is deal with another person's schedule. You need to find things that are cathartic to you. For me, it's watching a favorite movie, playing an instrument, and experimenting with new foods. Those things calm me and let me relax, without turning my brain off (because if I don't keep my brain active, I'd dwell on something). Maybe you just need to sleep in some days, re-read a favorite book, or do something you like regardless of who it's with. Perhaps it might be worthwhile to look into things that you always wanted to do, but couldn't because of the now-ex.
And since he left you during a time you were so emotionally vulnerable, I'd suggest not letting him back or being his friend in the future. That's kind of a shitty thing to do, even as a friend.
And just because he was your "first" for a lot of things doesn't mean he'll be the last. There's so many firsts that people have that it's hard to keep track of them all. But it's not about "firsts"; it's about "bests."
It sucks, and it's going to suck for a few weeks, but really the best thing is what everyone else has already said: lean on friends, and do things that make you happy or give you that cathartic feeling.
I also second the "don't be friends with the ex" advice; his timing was horrible and selfish, and just really added onto the pile of crap that he knew you were dealing with already. Don't give him the time of day, block him from all contact, and enjoy the chance at a fresh start.
Weaboo List
That's totally natural but you're young and if it helps look at this as the chance to do things you've never done before and can do now with nothing holding you back. Just don't dwell on the good time too much, just like you don't want to dwell on the negative times too much. It's going to hurt for awhile but the more independent you become and the more you do for you the less you'll be thinking about him and you.
Also, feel free to hate him. Trust me, it will feel good to vent about all the awful shit for a bit to get it out of your system. Then I recommend a margarita and doing something to make you feel good about yourself. A new hair cut, a new dress, a massage, whatever. Then look at it as you'll have a hell of a lot less baggage when looking for a new home and job and while finishing school.
Look at it this way, some people marry these people and don't realize they are better off without them until they're bankrupt, divorced, and driving halfway across the state/province to share custody with a few kids.
You dated a guy who wasn't right for you (may not be right for anyone, if your descriptions of him are accurate) and now you know what to look out for next time. Two years may seem like a long relationship now, but at your age you have plenty of time to test waters like this and live/learn.
Focus on family and friends right now as a support structure. Get back on your feet. Enjoy the things you normally do. Keep this guy out of your life for now, and I guarantee you once the unfamiliarity of not having him around wears off, you won't want anything to do with him.
It's the familiar that you miss. It's the feeling of companionship, not the companion himself. You've admitted so yourself so many times that he's a lost cause, so come to grips with that.
For example, when you're in a relationship with someone, it's easy to focus on the little things that make you happy, while you overlook the big things that are draining you. It's like having a tub with a big hole in the bottom, and you're trying to fill it up with a bucket but you have to run back & forth from the kitchen to the yard in order to fill it up. You can keep going and trying to keep it full, but eventually you get tired and it's been getting empty the whole time. OK, that's a long analogy to essentially say: when I broke up with my first girlfriend, I liked laying on the couch with her. She was cute, and we had little things that we did that we always thought were "our things." When we broke up, it was those things that made both of us tear up or cry for real. But after a while, I realized: she never wanted to do anything. We always just laid around, and she never had any motivation or interest in much of anything. Looking back, I now tell people that she was really boring (as a short way of explaining it). The little things we had in common made us happy enough so that the end was kept away for a while, but it kept getting closer and closer regardless.
When I met my wife, it was the opposite -- we had so many big-picture interests in common, that the smaller things started to mesh together anyway. For example, we're both very practical with finances, and while we're both interested in traveling, we're not wanderlusty and we'd rather go somewhere that lets us still enjoy the rest of the year when we're at home (rather than eat ramen for every meal to afford the trip!). Because of that "big picture" thing in common, we talk about, say, budget things, or travel ideas, and we continue to add our own "little things" that build on top of the big things. And in a couple months, we'll have known each other and been together for 10 years.
Looking back on your threads, there's lots of "little things" that you and your boyfriend had. But the posts talking about "big things" were where you two seemed the most incompatible. No one is a perfect match, but I think the little things, such as "firsts," kept you together with this guy for longer than you probably should've been. That doesn't mean you shouldn't look back fondly on those good times; it just means you should remember the bad times as well, and be happy that you're free to create a new future without him while remembering the good times with the dude.
Time and distance are basically the only things that work.
Speaking of, don't go looking for a new boyfriend. Take some time off and relax. Trust me, it will just happen naturally.
when you find yourself thinking about how 'great' he was, remember that he has been an awful friend for you right now, i mean who the hell tells their friend, let alone girlfriend, to stop crying over a dead pet. also! that whole 16 year old girl chatting thing. even if he wasn't "cheating" he was obviously investing his affection and attention at another girl instead of you, who needed it.
also, gross! my little brother is 16, my boyfriend 22 (barely) and i just cannot imagine people in two such different stages of life talking for such extended measures of time. they are friends, and hang out together, but in no way should a 16 year old be the focus of a 21 year old's attention.
Hmm, my advice.. Crank your favorite music (loud!) and let go.
It's what I keep the pop punk around for.
More practical advice? Take the time to find your footing and get back on your feet.
Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Take it a day at a time. And everything will be normal again. Eventually.
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We barely had a sex life. He was SUPER selfish in that area. I think we had sex like... once a month (and believe me, I let him know I was willing). If that. The rest was taken up with ME pleasing HIM. That should have been a big red flag. He also refused to show any affection at all when we were in public. I'd go to hold his hand, and he'd rip it away and say "You know how I feel about that..".
In the beginning of our relationship, everything was fine. He'd be affectionate, he'd say nice things, we'd actually have sex more than once a month... but once it hit like.. the 1 year mark, everything faded. Hell, i'd go to kiss him, and he'd let out this annoyed sigh like it was a CHORE for him to kiss me. I'd want sex, and he'd refuse saying he was too tired, and then want me to give him a blow job.
If we couldn't get into a proper position during intercourse, he'd get really pissed, and shove me off of him, and roll over and fall asleep, and I'd sit there wondering what the fuck just happened.
I'm a forgetful person, but if I forgot the tiniest thing that barely even mattered, he'd blow up.
Or he'd get pissed off at something, and I'd have to practically play a guessing game to figure out what the hell I did 'wrong'.
He also never said 'please' or 'thank you' ...ever.
He hated his mom... he hated MY mom...
He would yell at me if I cursed (I'm talking words like "damn" or "hell".... the kid refused to say "Hellboy" while referring to the movie)
like... i'm just now finding things that I never fully realized, or put into the back of my mind.
And fuck man, talking that much to a 16 year old and not regarding my feelings about it in ANY way at all is fucked up.... she's SIXTEEN. UHG.
I need to find someone who will want to show affection towards me, and who will actually enjoy my company, because in retrospect, it doesn't seem like he did.
I did everything for him. I made him breakfast and lunch, I put a roof over his head when he needed it, I did his laundry, I did his fucking HW when he went away to drill or someplace that didn't have the internet, I NEVER ONCE started a fight or argument (besides bringing up my concern about the 16 year old). I never nagged him, and I made sure he got a hot dinner every night. I was too good to him, and he took me for granted.
i'm sad that it's over, but I'm glad as well. My friend is coming over to the hotel Im staying at to go for a swim with me, and be angry with me. I'm sure it will help.
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if my duder did that shoving thing during sex even once he would have been in so much trouble oh good lordy. (i am a bit domineering though hahaha)
it is going to be difficult i am sure, he was a huge part of your life for years, but from what you've said i think you'll be the better for his loss, given time.
*angry phase*
Edit: I just hope tomorrow I don't get all weepy again. Uhhgg. He's picking up his stuff from the room tomorrow.
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also what kind of coward breaks up with a long term girlfriend/boyfriend online because they can't handle emotions that are justified for the situation.
also, don't worry about getting a new duder or even looking for a while. it is important to not just jump into another relationship
You will. Then you'll get angry again. Then you'll get weepy again. Then you'll get apathetic. Then weepy. Every time the weepy phase comes back, it's a little less intense. Eventually it'll stop.
I'm a girl the same age as you and had a relationship pretty similar to yours a while ago (also my first).. you ignore things because you 'love' him so much and then afterwards you're wondering who the FUCK he thinks he is. Luckily you seem to be realising all this quickly and your attitude is excellent! As for when he picks up his things, I'd recommend not being there and going out for a bit until he's gone. Cut all contact and don't be friends, until you're ready (if it happens).
You seem like a lovely lass, and you're bound to find the right guy. And it's hard, but try not to let what this idiot did to you scar you enough to have paranoia in your future relationships - not everyone is like this guy.
Edit: And if you want a rant or anyone to talk to just PM me!
Try and feel better.
but they're listening to every word I say
I will bet all your friends think the exact same way
Like other people have said, the best way to get over him is to get rid of anything that reminds you of him. Also, if you have a friend or someone to talk to about stuff then that will be a big help too. Whenever I've gone through something like this I am usually depressed as hell for a while, but having someone to talk to is a huuuge help. Even using this thread to vent or whatever will do you some good.
Another thing I find helpful is to have something to keep your mind busy. I like to read, so I would always pick up a couple new books to keep my mind occupied. If you like playing games or doing art or whatever, then now is an ideal time to immerse yourself into it more.
As for that other stuff about meeting new people, try not to worry about it too much. I find that stuff happens naturally when you don't focus on it. You seem like a really cool person, so I doubt you will have much trouble finding someone when you are ready to start dating again.
yeah guy sounds like a dick. I'd take you to lunch and we could talk about how dumb he is, but you live in NY, so here's hoping the next guy you meet is a lot better than this one
Also, this sucks Alyce, but at least you're seeing what shit this guy was in hindsight.
I won't make this thread about me, but I had help when this happened to me and it was incredibly helpful. It also gives you concrete proof that there are other people out there who care about you and don't care that you got dumped. This can be more important than you think.
Anyway, it's been said plenty already, but I too think you're probably better off without him. I'm glad you've come around to recognizing the flaws in the relationship and him.*
Also, while I'm not too well versed in the trials and tribulations of love, I do recall feeling very stupid after you stop associating with someone you cared for deeply (for whatever reasons). You blame yourself for not seeing what should have been so obvious. Maybe your friends even told you she was a bitch, but you ignored them. You don't want to blame yourself for being in love with him after realizing all these faults of his. Love or lust or whatever level of great affection you want to call it makes you do stupid shit sometimes and ignore important stuff. It seems like your relationship started great and sort of veered off for a while until it ended. I guess you can take solace that it didn't take even more of your life away.
I'm glad to see you are doing activities like swimming and hanging out with friends. At times like these, all you really can do is try to talk with people you can trust and vent to, as well as doing activities to keep you busy and non mopey. Again, if you're in New York or New York City proper, you can maybe see some of those things you never see until you have to show out of towners around.
*This is the proper, edited version of my original thought when reading this thread, which was "Wow! What a douche!"
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Firsts generaly don't make it to the finish lines, be it the person you lose your virginty to, or your first relationship. Very hard odds to beat.
BUT HEY! This is life, every ones different and it takes us time to grow up and find who we are (mentaly and sexualy) and part of that is trying on different people. The experiances you've had in this relationship will help define who you are and what you want from a partner.
It hurts to lose a loved one =( but as liz phair says or said, the best part of braking up is finding some one else you can't get enough of.
In time you'll feel better and the next guy who comes into your life is going to sware with you, love your mom, love his mom, have maners, make you feel loved in public and rock you sexualy. Cause god damn it you know what you want and you deserve it. Odds are he will still leave his wet towel on the bathroom floor, but we can't have it all.