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What did she expect?
LaOs
SaskatoonRegistered User regular
SaskatoonRegistered User regular
LaOs, in the D&D Chat wrote:Guys, remember that chick that totally crushed my heart a month or so back? Well, I sent her a quick "Merry Christmas, [her name]." (that was it exactly) and I got this back. "Hello, Is that all I am going to get?"
Like, seriously, WTF? I have no idea how to respond. I want to just explode with something like What the fuck did you expect, exactly? But, I don't know if that's a good idea. Help? (HA! I should so take this to H/A)
So, backstory for non-D&Ders so that there's some context. I was dating this girl, we will call her Roberta, that I met online. We met about seven years ago on a joke matchmaker site and our friendship developed from there. We started to get serious about each other about four years ago, and were exclusive for the last two. She lives in New Zealand, by the way, and I live in Canada. So, it was not a conventional relationship at all, but that's not really important to the story.
She came and stayed with me here last Christmas for just over a month and it was great. It was my turn to go down there for Christmas and I was going to live with her and stay for (at least) the next year, working. I had the working permit all ready lined up. The time between last Christmas and this was tougher than it had been before, because having actually met and reconfirmed that we are actually serious about each other and into each other, the being apart was harder to deal with. But we managed, or so I thought.
About five weeks before I was set to fly down, she, out of nowhere and in the middle of a conversation (about nothing, really, just chitchat), she tells me she's "not sure about us" anymore, the distance is too hard to deal with anymore, and I got out of her that she was interested in a local. I mean, doubts happen, finding other people happen, sure... but the distance was about to become a non-issue in five weeks, so I told her that.
She took the week to consider everything and came back the next weekend with the idea that she didn't think my coming down would be able to help and change things, and broke up with me. I was crushed, and am still a bit raw about the situation, but she had made up her mind, so that was that.
We haven't talked since then, but earlier today I sent her an email, and the rest of the situation is explained above. I'm wondering what to respond with... like, with what attitude, etc.
tl;dr My long-distance, long-term girlfriend broke up with me a month ago a few weeks before I was going to move to New Zealand from Canada to be with her for at least the next year, and when I emailed her this afternoon, the situation quoted above resulted. How should I respond and what am I entitled to so far as attitude?
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She could be yanking your chain and teasing you for fun.
I would suggest, if you feel the absolute need to reply to her, to ask her what else, exactly, she's expecting from you? You could reiterate what she did from your perspective (while trying to keep the tone from being blatantly hostile, just for the benefit of the both of you), and tell her that what she did really made a huge impression on you, especially when she did it so late in the game.
Personally, I'm kind of blank right now as to what she possibly could be expecting from you. It doesn't sound like you left on the best of terms, but she may still consider you at least a "good friend"...I'm not sure how it is on your end. Your e-mail, although terse, seemed to me a kind gesture considering what she did, and I personally wouldn't have taken it upon myself to do anything else. If you're willing to stay friends with her (or repair the friendship that you have with her...it doesn't seem like it'll go beyond that, now), some time "apart" - in the communicating sense - could be your best bet. Later, if you feel up to renewing friendly talk (if that's what she's looking for), you can do so at your own pace.
You really don't need anymore drama from this girl do you? I wouldn't go with a nasty attitude. Be civil, but be distant. You don't owe her an explanation for your email. Frankly, she should consider her self forutunate you sent her one at all.
If you're annoyed and want to burn bridges, send her a dildo and your picture.
If you want to remain civil, ask her to elaborate on what else she wants.
Personally I'd concentrate on other ventures.
As for her little quip, who knows what she's thinking. The break-up happened just recently, right? Maybe she's having second thoughts already and wants you to keep trying, which I'd say is pretty selfish. Either way, don't be snide with her, just ask her what she meant.
I wasn't telling you the story because I thought she did something wrong, I told it for some context and some explanation of why it's still raw for me. Either way, thanks for the tips.
I think I'm just going ask her what she expected. But not right away, I'll let more people weigh in if they want. Thanks, everyone.
PERFECT response. Succinct and biting. Gets the point across in a very subtle way.
These kinds of situations are really hard because people's feelings are all over the place and nobody knows exactly what they want to happen, which makes reading reactions so much harder. I'd chill out, maybe make a joke of it. Send another email as brief as "...and a happy new year?" I know it's frustrating but you guys have clearly shared a lot in the past so there's no reason to treat her like a stranger, even if it didn't work out in the way that you'd envisioned.
I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to cut her out entirely and forget about her, but if you did want to do that it probably wasn't the best idea to send her an email in the first place.
Though you had the best of intentions that was a bit brief. And a person feeling emotional, getting that from their ex, may reasonably be hurt. Of course then her response comes back dramatic, and the whole thing escalates.
My suggestion? Don't make it escalate further. If you are going to reply--and I don't really suggest it-- then elaborate on your first e-mail; "I'm wishing you a Merry Christmas, hope everything is going well, etc, etc."
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What did YOU expect? What did you hope to happen for sending her that email in the first place?
I'm not exactly sure what I expected, but I didn't expect her to come out acting hurt. I don't mean that I don't think she has any right to be hurt, but I didn't expect it.
Anyway, I'm going to probably go with something like "...and a Happy New Year?" I am not trying to just be biting and mean, but things are still raw. Maybe I shouldn't have emailed her at all, but I did so I have to figure it out now. I think its just hard for me to have her cut out of my life now and I was swinging between moving on and trying to keep her there in some way. I need to figure what I want first.
Thanks for the help. I'm going to reply with the Happy New Year bit and try to not have it come off as smart-assish.
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From what I read (assuming that was her whole response you posted there) I don't think I'd consider her reaction as 'hurt' at all. It was short, yeah, but you sorta set the precedent to that. It seemed more like 'Okay well you can talk to me and I won't bite, we're still friends right?'
Of course that's a total outsider's point of view and it may be completely wrong - but just make sure you're not reading things into this one sentence which aren't there.
I replied with this:
More or less word for word. We'll see where it goes. I'll keep your advice in mind though (for dealing with if conversation lines do open up).
If you happen to run into her, well you can figure it out from there. I wouldn't be in too much of a rush to go out and find her though.
So I said "yep" and waited for her to respond. She finally got the hint and dropped the conversation. She called back a week later, though.
I didn't really have a point there, but maybe she just wants your attention again, and your terse "Merry Christmas" didn't do it for her, so she's feeling you out.