The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
The usefulness of (alcoholism related) therapy
sporetical
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
So, back story: my mother is an alcoholic. Has been my entire life, was when my father married her, though it's really come to a head over the last 10 years or so. My brother once heard my parents arguing about it and first brought it to my attention - from then on I saw it everywhere. She was drunk all the time, and I had just never noticed.
About three years ago the situation came to a head and my parents decided that 30 days in in-patient rehab would be helpful. She went down to Father Martin's Ashley for a month. At the request of my father (my brothers backed out for various excuses) I attended a three day "family wellness weekend" to help with my mother's recovery. It turned out that my expectations were a bit off the mark, as the weekend turned out to be a three day group therapy session to "help me deal with being related to an alcoholic." It all seemed a big hokey to me. I don't really do feelings. Anyways, she finished her program and got better. For a little while.
I think everyone in my family deals with it a little differently. My brothers have their own substance problems, my parents tend to look the other way because they're preoccupied or done fighting about it. My father went to al-anon meetings for a long time and learned that in order to help "his alcoholic," he needed to be in a good place mentally. For him, this meant working all week and then going to the shore by himself all weekend. Sometimes my mother would go with him, but more often than not he'd just leave her at home.
For my part, I moved away from home a year after college and mostly do my own thing. I live with my girlfriend, I work, I stay out of trouble. I talk to my family a lot, but I try not to dwell on their problems/personal issues. I suppose the one thing I took away from the family wellness weekend is that I don't cause my family's problems, I'm not responsible for fixing them, and I don't have the power to make people change. As such, I don't really let it affect my life.
Over time, my mother's drinking problem returned. This was highlighted by a DUI a few months ago, which eventually led to her current second stint in rehab, this time a 90 day program at the Betty Ford Center. My father has requested that my brothers and I attend their Family Program with him; I agreed, mostly because I'll have stopped work at that point (going to business school in September) and because I wanted to visit my mother (she'll have been stuck out there for over a month at that point). As it turns out, my opportunities to see my mother will be negligible. The five day program is entirely geared towards, surprise, helping us cope with being the family member of an alcoholic. Five days of talking, roleplaying, feeling.
The thing is, I don't really give thought to "coping." I just go on. I don't dwell. I'm not really big on sharing my feelings, I don't really know how to express them and don't much care to. Is this program a huge waste of time for me? I haven't booked my flight yet, and I'm still on the fence about whether I should go for her benefit.
Sorry for the 95% useless back story, for some reason when I started writing it it might actually be relevant =P
TLDR: I'm an emotionally useless 27 year old son of an alcoholic. I don't think I have a lot to offer in terms of sharing deep seated feelings. Would a 5 day long family therapy session be a complete waste of my time? Will I want to kill myself?
About three years ago the situation came to a head and my parents decided that 30 days in in-patient rehab would be helpful. She went down to Father Martin's Ashley for a month. At the request of my father (my brothers backed out for various excuses) I attended a three day "family wellness weekend" to help with my mother's recovery. It turned out that my expectations were a bit off the mark, as the weekend turned out to be a three day group therapy session to "help me deal with being related to an alcoholic." It all seemed a big hokey to me. I don't really do feelings. Anyways, she finished her program and got better. For a little while.
I think everyone in my family deals with it a little differently. My brothers have their own substance problems, my parents tend to look the other way because they're preoccupied or done fighting about it. My father went to al-anon meetings for a long time and learned that in order to help "his alcoholic," he needed to be in a good place mentally. For him, this meant working all week and then going to the shore by himself all weekend. Sometimes my mother would go with him, but more often than not he'd just leave her at home.
For my part, I moved away from home a year after college and mostly do my own thing. I live with my girlfriend, I work, I stay out of trouble. I talk to my family a lot, but I try not to dwell on their problems/personal issues. I suppose the one thing I took away from the family wellness weekend is that I don't cause my family's problems, I'm not responsible for fixing them, and I don't have the power to make people change. As such, I don't really let it affect my life.
Over time, my mother's drinking problem returned. This was highlighted by a DUI a few months ago, which eventually led to her current second stint in rehab, this time a 90 day program at the Betty Ford Center. My father has requested that my brothers and I attend their Family Program with him; I agreed, mostly because I'll have stopped work at that point (going to business school in September) and because I wanted to visit my mother (she'll have been stuck out there for over a month at that point). As it turns out, my opportunities to see my mother will be negligible. The five day program is entirely geared towards, surprise, helping us cope with being the family member of an alcoholic. Five days of talking, roleplaying, feeling.
The thing is, I don't really give thought to "coping." I just go on. I don't dwell. I'm not really big on sharing my feelings, I don't really know how to express them and don't much care to. Is this program a huge waste of time for me? I haven't booked my flight yet, and I'm still on the fence about whether I should go for her benefit.
Sorry for the 95% useless back story, for some reason when I started writing it it might actually be relevant =P
TLDR: I'm an emotionally useless 27 year old son of an alcoholic. I don't think I have a lot to offer in terms of sharing deep seated feelings. Would a 5 day long family therapy session be a complete waste of my time? Will I want to kill myself?
sporetical on
0
Posts
This applies both to how well family therapy would work for you and how any therapy would work for your mother and her problem(s).
I'm not sure how I feel about therapy "geared towards, surprise, helping us cope with being the family member of an alcoholic" as opposed to counseling to help your mother deal with her alcoholism... though maybe I'm misunderstanding what exactly it entails.
You also may have feelings or thoughts about this in the future that will be easier to deal and cope with if you go to this program. It might not be useful now, but if this second stint doesn't work then you might find it useful down the line.
Okay. I'm a recovering alcoholic. I drank for 4 years and kicked the habit about a year and a half ago for good.
For you this program will most likely be a huge waste of time. You've made your decision concerning your involvement, and if you're correct this will have little impact on your mother's actual recovery. My own recovery was facilitated (on my own) by the support and love of those closest to me. This doesn't sound really like the case.
That said, do your brothers and/or father need you? 90 day programs are no joke. Are you certain that your father doesn't need support? This is probably harder on him than on anyone else. I know you say you aren't into feelings, but speaking frankly with your father and asking point-blank "I don't think I need this, but do you need me there?" would be the best advice I can give.
This program, however, seems to suggest that I'm subconsciously psychologically ravaged by the family disease that is alcoholism, and that what I think is a healthy attitude towards the situation is just me playing a role in the overall pathology. That my inability/unwillingness to get emotionally involved/invested in the situation is a symptom.
It makes my head hurt, and it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me.
My parents and I are close. Before my mother was in rehab I spoke with her several times a week, I speak with my father about once a week. In theory I'm the "favorite son," I guess as far as I'm the most successful to date, the least abusive/disrespectful, and the least likely to end up in prison. I have no problem going to support others. I signed on to support my mother, but became kind of jaded when I found out that the family program was more about personal mental health than supporting my alcoholic family member.
I guess I hadn't really considered it in terms of being there to support my father and brothers as well. That's something to think about.
Denial is a huge factor in addiction. Often people find themselves in a situation similar that what you describe in which a "Yes this is a problem" answer is dandy but a "No, I'm fine" is immediately seen as an admission of guilt through denial. There's no way to say both "no" and be believed.
I tend to disagree with 12-step and many rehab philosophies. I'm a minority of those who have simply put down the bottle. For months after I quit the "I'm okay now" was met with a similar pathological response of "But how are we sure?"
Talk to your father, I'm unconvinced that this isn't for him, which is a very different proposition than "You have an alcoholic family member therefore you must need to talk about it."
In fact, the bedrocks of my support when I quit were those who didn't play into the victim card and instead decided to smile and take me out for fun things while not worrying that I was secretly "back to my old ways."
You not wanting to get dragged into your mother's circle of alcoholic fueled bullshit sounds healthy to me.
You also only drank for 4 years. Not to belittle your achievement, you recognized a problem and solved it, and that's huge, but it's different when you've been drinking for half your life or more.
Absolutely, but the issue here isn't the effectiveness for the mother, but the contextualization of the "family therapy" aspect. I actually think the comparison is rather apt when discussing a mental state.
Basically, if you think you're not really upset from having a parent with this issue, and especially if you're more removed from the situation now as an adult with a life of their own, I would lean towards not going. It certainly helps a lot of people, because often children of alcoholics tend to blame it on themselves, develop relationship issues, etc, but if you experience none of these things, I don't think this is quite geared towards you.
Fast forward to your problems I don't believe you have any. If you want to stay connected to your family that's your choice and you seem to know well the burdens you're placing on yourself by doing so. If nothing else you seem to love them unconditionally.
As for your mother, the only real method of curing her alcoholism is addressing her needs to consume it. The older you are the far less likely you are to break your habits. Depending on her reasons for going to alcohol there's not much you can expect any amount of therapy to do. It's likely that she has deep seated self esteem or happiness issues as these tend to be the driving force of most alcoholics. Many of these recovery programs also bring in unneeded elements into therapy perhaps the most detrimental is a 'higher-power' who allows the person to shift all the blame and never actually face the fact that their problem is their problem or is used to demean and minimize the persons effort making the person feel like in the end it was god and not them who accomplished it which often leads to relapse.
On the note of twelve step programs if the rehab clinic spouts this nonsense get out of it. AA and all those vieled christian attempts to take advantage of the mentally vulnerable are simply bullshit. You get no benefit from a twelve step program that you don't get from going cold turkey, further people who do twelve step are just as likely to successfully kick the habit as they were without it. The only empirical evidence shown to be able to help an addiction such as this is a psychiatrist and a couple of hours each week to spare.
As for you, no I don't think it'll have any positive affect on you, often if you're well adjusted therapy can create problems that were never there before. Pulling people out of their comfort zones and forcing them to be touchy feely usually isn't a good idea yet the concept is often overly abused by counselors who're ready to give their patients copious amounts of emotional involvement and then convince themselves and their patients that the world is against them.
My suggestion if you want to actually accomplish something is find a non theistic psychiatrist and be explicit that you're not looking for drugs to fix the problem (although if she's clinically depressed it'll probably be the first thing they suggest).
In the grand scope of things pasive alcoholism is a minor problem anyways, there's no cause to be overtly concerned.
As an example (it may be a poor example, but it may help illustrate my point), I suffer from a condition called Brown's syndrome (I think that's what it's called). Basically, what it means is that the tendon that controls movement in one eye is too tight, so it skews my vision slightly, not so much that you can see it by looking at me. It's just enough that I see things mostly in 2D, like a television screen where I can tell there's depth but can't really tell how much. Over time, I became very right-eye dominant so that I mostly see everything out of my right eye and my brain mostly ignores the signal it's getting from the left eye. I always figured that it was because I was right-handed, that is until a few years ago when the ophthalmologist told me it was an actual problem and I was NOT supposed to see things like that. Up to that point, I had gone through life thinking that everyone literally saw things the way I did, only to find out that wasn't true in my late 20s.
It could be a similar situation with you, albeit on a more emotional level. It's what you've always dealt with. You don't know anything else other than your mother's situation. But that doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. You may just not have identified them. And if nothing else, you could at least be there for your family who may need the support and do have outside reference to know that it's a problem (I'm making an assumption about your father at this point, so please forgive me if I'm wrong). If the only reason you have to not attend is that you simply feel emotionally distant or have no opinion on the matter, I would suggest that you do attend, if nothing more than to support the others going through the process with you. And you might find that you do have feelings about the matter after all. Be warned, though, that therapy like this, while it can be potentially healing, is not usually pleasant. It can be like putting rubbing alcohol on a cut. It can sting like Hell, but the alternative is potential infection or worse.