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Time Not helping
altoptimus
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey all, I posted about a break up and anger that resulted from it a while back, and while I am not angry anymore I cant seem to get past this.
Me and my ex girlfriend ( that is even hard to type) broke up back in march. Since then we have talked a few times but at this point it is pretty clear that we will not ever get back together. She broke up with me because I lost focus (couldn't find a job, gained weight, wouldn't study that hard etc) to the point where she wasn't attracted to me anymore. She told me she couldn't see me being a good father or husband. I don't blame her, I was not good to be around anymore, pressure from the job search , the relationship, and school just put me in a bad place for like 5 months. I wasn't the person she fell in love with anymore.
In the time since the break up I completed law school, found a job at a public interest firm till bar results come back in November, had my best semester ever GPA wise, taken the bar exam, and lost 20 pounds. I have been really focused on becoming better for myself and what she told me is part of my motivation because I don't want to have that happen again and let myself go that much.
Even with all this I am STILL constantly upset about this. I swear it seems to go in a cycle. Friday is the worst day then Saturday and Sunday I convince myself that this is for the best, monday - wendesday I dont really think about it and Thursday it ramps up again. I mean its crazy because I still dream about her every night. And each dream is more of a good memory of us together so that when I wake up it feels like we are together and then I realize we arent.
I don't tell my friends or family any of this because it has been 5 months and I don't want to appear pitiful. My question is, when is this going to get better? Will time just not work for me? I have tried doing each thing that forums and advice columns say doing, but I swear it seems like I will never have that level of connection with anyone again. Is there any additional advice this fine help/advice forum can give me? I have done the self improvement thing, hung out with friends, is my life just going to continue to suck for another few months?
Also, I have caught myself becoming a very bitter person towards relationships which I do not like. I don't want to be bitter or jaded. Besides consciously trying not too, is there any advice for not letting this change me into someone more bitter?
Seriously, any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. I am somewhat at the end of my rope here and need to learn a new Knot so I can tie it and hang on. ( A variation of a good Jefferson quote)
Me and my ex girlfriend ( that is even hard to type) broke up back in march. Since then we have talked a few times but at this point it is pretty clear that we will not ever get back together. She broke up with me because I lost focus (couldn't find a job, gained weight, wouldn't study that hard etc) to the point where she wasn't attracted to me anymore. She told me she couldn't see me being a good father or husband. I don't blame her, I was not good to be around anymore, pressure from the job search , the relationship, and school just put me in a bad place for like 5 months. I wasn't the person she fell in love with anymore.
In the time since the break up I completed law school, found a job at a public interest firm till bar results come back in November, had my best semester ever GPA wise, taken the bar exam, and lost 20 pounds. I have been really focused on becoming better for myself and what she told me is part of my motivation because I don't want to have that happen again and let myself go that much.
Even with all this I am STILL constantly upset about this. I swear it seems to go in a cycle. Friday is the worst day then Saturday and Sunday I convince myself that this is for the best, monday - wendesday I dont really think about it and Thursday it ramps up again. I mean its crazy because I still dream about her every night. And each dream is more of a good memory of us together so that when I wake up it feels like we are together and then I realize we arent.
I don't tell my friends or family any of this because it has been 5 months and I don't want to appear pitiful. My question is, when is this going to get better? Will time just not work for me? I have tried doing each thing that forums and advice columns say doing, but I swear it seems like I will never have that level of connection with anyone again. Is there any additional advice this fine help/advice forum can give me? I have done the self improvement thing, hung out with friends, is my life just going to continue to suck for another few months?
Also, I have caught myself becoming a very bitter person towards relationships which I do not like. I don't want to be bitter or jaded. Besides consciously trying not too, is there any advice for not letting this change me into someone more bitter?
Seriously, any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. I am somewhat at the end of my rope here and need to learn a new Knot so I can tie it and hang on. ( A variation of a good Jefferson quote)
altoptimus on
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It took me two and a half years to get over one particularly bad relationship. I also experienced the bitterness you report although I, like you, fought against it.
However, I eventually worked through it and met my current girlfriend. We've been together happily for nearly four years now.
Some people are able to bounce back relatively quickly from big breakups, other people take longer. It's ok to still be upset. It's ok to still have these feelings. You're not broken or hopeless or wrong.
You'll be fine
Seriously, finding another girl will do it. If it's a meaningful relationship and she isn't just some fling it will work.
Sometimes everybody just needs somebody. You will be alright man. I promise and time does heal it.
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Assuming you are just starting your career and not a mature student that went back for your JD, you are just starting your career. Look to your friends, get out there and keep the mindset of constant improvement.
So that's my take -- you think your success has been because you, deep down, feel that doing these things will make her take you back, make her realize that what she said before isn't true anymore.
We can't just flick a switch and make you feel better, and you really can't either, but what you need to do is realize that the things you've done have been done for you. You've worked on your own to succeed and you've been, uh, successful in your success.
Despite that, you seem to be putting all of your emotions and your own personal qualifier for success on whether you have a girlfriend. Who cares if you have a girlfriend right now? If you're happy about your life and how you've been successful recently, then you don't need a partner to enjoy that. And when you do get a girlfriend, you'll realize that she was worth the wait and that the time you've spent being happy and single make having the future girlfriend that much more interesting and worthwhile.
This.
Anyone who gives a specific time period for grieving over a past relationship is dumb. I mean sure, if someone is so depressed they're not eating or going outside then there's cause for concern. But the feelings you are having seem pretty normal, which sucks because they are not fun. For some people it can take years to get over someone. A lot of times you will never fully get over someone, you will never stop having some feelings and fond memories, but you will get to a point where you can still move on and be happy with other people.
Much like any psychological hurtle, people can offer lots of advice. Finding other girls, hobbies, excercise, all sorts of things. And just like those other hurtles, some off those things might work and some might not.
So to answer your original question: Yes, time will help. Unfortunately for some people it just takes a lot more. Just do the best you can to still live your life and be happy during that time.
If you don't want to become bitter, then put this shit in perspective. Look outside. Nearly everyone you see has lost someone precious. Your situation isn't unique and neither is your pain.
If you're still communicating with her, stop. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Take down any goddamn pictures you have of her, put all the stuff she gave you in a box and leave it at your parents' house. Press "skip" when the song you two shared comes on the radio. Part of the reason time helps heal the wound is because you need emotional distance from your problem. If you don't allow yourself distance, you're still in your half of the relationship, even if she isn't.
And when I had a horrible break-up and spent two years pining, I realized something. At the very end of it, I wished more of my friends would have, after giving me a reasonable amount of time to be sad, just said, "Hey, stop being such a mopey bitch. You're more interesting when you're not doing that."
I did go on 2 blind dates but they didnt work cause I wasn't able to stop comparing them to my ex in my head and knew that was sorta messed up.
@eggy - I guess part of me is sort of still doing this to prove her wrong/get her back ( I know that makes no sense together) but I don't know how not too. Like I wish I could figure out how to completely and utterly give up on the possibility of getting back together with her. I think a big thing is that she still hasn't sent me my stuff back, I have asked her a few times to send it and she hasn't done it. I cant send her, her stuff back because she moved and I don't know where she is living. I think her having some of my stuff and not sending it back is giving me a bit of false hope.
I guess I just gotta suck it up and keep going through this, ugh just ugh.
Incidentally that's also why people have rebound relationships -- they're something new and different that gets the person's mind off the ex. That's also why they tend to not work -- because once you're over the ex, you evaluate the person you're dating differently and realize you don't really click.
Throw her shit away. Buy yourself new stuff to replace what you didn't get back.
That is a good idea, everything I have done has been geared towards fixing myself. I think I will take a beginning Kendo class, the local university offers it for cheap and I have always wanted to take it.
And to the other poster I have replaced most of the stuff that she still has but she has my favorite book that I have had since 5th grade and my class ring from way back in high school. I think the class ring is what gives me the most false hope because I gave it to her in a cheesy romantic way and she still hasnt returned it. Other than that there is nothing else I need back
Plus, no one uses their class rings for anything anyway. Be glad you don't have to find somewhere to put it every time you move now.
Stop couching your feelings in terms of "fixing yourself for her" or "false hopes." Hell, stop organizing your thought process around this not-a-relationship-anymore. Everyone is a complete and whole person on their own, and you should be pursuing experiencing the happy, fuzzy wholeness that is "you." Take Kendo, cruise the local (insert place with activity you enjoy, such as comic shop, bar or dairy) and enjoy the fact that you're doing pretty darn well.
Does she know of all of these improvements you have made to yourself? If so, has she still made it clear that there's no chance? Maybe her not returning your stuff is a sign (have you explicitly asked to return it or are you just waiting for her to do it on her own?).
But I must add, when I got back together with my girlfriend I didn't really have any intentions of doing so, and I was over all of the bad after-breakup feelings. I just wanted to see if we could be friends after the fact, but after a few dinners things just started to slowly lead to us getting back together.
False hope is definitely not a good thing, and if you're sure you have to get over her then do it. But if you really love her and truly believe that your meant to be together, just remember, we only get one shot at life.
Fuck you, shut up, you aren't helping.
Someone who leaves you because you "aren't good enough" and takes you back when you're "better" isn't worth your time.
Edit: Unless your "not good enough" was a heroin addiction, an STD or Scientology.
That's why he said he's playing devils advocate. Welcome to H/A, where there's more than one perspective on things.
What I've noticed it comes down to is that we tend to overvalue and idealize the past, instead of thinking realistically. This makes us feel so much worse about what has happened and puts a real damper on your spirits. Your past relationship was not as good as you view it to be now--think of all the petty arguments you had, and all the things that bothered you about your ex. I held onto everything that used to be, months before the breakdown of my relationship, instead of looking at it without bias.
I'll admit, I still miss the companionship--having someone who knows your life inside and out, and who is there for you through most of the thick and thin is really an awesome thing, however, if that person does not truly believe in what you had going, why would you desire to stay in an empty relationship?
I have tried dating--I have gone on dates with three separate people on multiple occasions and have felt no connection whatsoever. I often wonder whether this was because they were people who did not appeal to me, or if i was still too tied up with my ex mentally. There is light at the end of the tunnel, however. I found that talking about it to whoever is very helpful and reassuring. The fact that you can convey your opinions and feelings to someone else and are able to see/hear a reaction is fantastic because it shows that people are willing to help and care.
Hopefully getting some perspective from someone who has recently experienced all this helps!
Probably she's just forgot she even has that stuff. I found some of my ex's stuff while moving out recently. Completely forgot I had it!
Or else she knows that the OP has not got over her, so does not want to contact him for fear of triggering unpleasant emotional events.
hmmm while generally i agree with your sentiment, sometimes someone you love really needs a kick in the balls. some people languish, they will either stay the same way for years, never doing anything and not caring to do anything, or else move they backwards. if after being spoken to repeatedly about getting some semblence of progression in their lives they still do nothing, then the best thing to do for you and him/her is to break it off and hope that is a kick in the pants.
not break it off and say 'fix yourself then i will date you' but 'this isn't working, you aren't trying anymore at all' and then you happen to meet again like the person quoted above said is just fine.
but OP, you can't expect that to happen, and you certainly should not hope for it. work on yourself, you haven't been single all that long yet at all. talk to your friends about it, don't whine, but ask your best friend if you can get something off your chest to him/her.
If someone is sitting on their ass not working, getting fat and being antisocial, that is also a good reason to leave them. Even if you love someone, that kind of behavior isn't attractive or something a gal looks for in a relationship.
Perhaps I need to present more detail. I appreciate the advice and the not sugar coating it but I think I may have not accurately betrayed facts in my being very upset yesterday.
Well, while I am not mad at her, I wasn't exactly sitting around doing nothing. I just was having a very hard time finding a permanent job for after I graduated because my G.P.A. wasn't a certain level and if you are applying for law jobs it is a whole lot harder to find a job with a certain G.P.A.. I applied to like 50 or 60 jobs in the spring would call and ask about my app and still get no response. lol I didn't even get rejection letters.
I would wake up in the morning go to school, then in the afternoon go to work part time at a local firm as a clerk and then either have practice for a play I was in, or I would go immediately home and try to do some reading for class. Or if I didnt read for class I would try to study a bit for the MPRE ( eithical test) or do some really far advance prep for the bar exam since my school had warned me to get after it. After that I would try to go to the gym, but by then it would be like 8:30 or 9 and I would be tired as hell. Either way I had to be back by 11:30 so I could say good night to the ex gf and start it all again.
As far as the weight goes, I tried to work on it but it was like I was stuck in a feedback loop. I would go to the gym, feel great and then I would get home feel bad that the reason I would go was to keep this person I loved, where the condition was explicit. If you don't go I will leave. But what would happen is it would just tear down any pride I had in myself. This in turn would trigger me to eat and therefore wipe out the progress I had made. It drove me crazy because I knew it was wrong but that was the way I used to deal with stress.
I think that may have been the key, by the end of the relationship I had about 0 pride left or ego or self confidence or whatever you want to call it. That is huge for me because until like 2 years ago I had been all about the self confidence. But I never knew how much my confidence was intrinsically and unintentionally tied into my success and not having that hit me worse that I thought it would. It wasn't until I was out of the relationship that I could see all this clearly, like I knew there was something wrong but it took not having this last bit to hold on too to see what I needed to do.