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Getting over love (letting go of hope)
Dak
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My girlfriend broke up with me.
We've been going out for two years. We loved each other. Very much. But I mistreated her. And the first person that came along and treated her right, she left me for him.
So I'm in a lot of pain right now. First the first month, she had told me there was a chance we might get back together. Today she told me she does not want to get back together.
We go the same school, we have two more semesters together. The other guy graduates this semester, but he'll be in town next semester. After that, he leaves for university.
That gives me hope, but I know I shouldn't hold on. It won't help me, and if anything it'll just damage the situation further, because that hope makes me do stupid things like calling her.
I just want to get over it, but I don't want to forget about it. Is such a thing possible? Is there a place I can get help?
We've been going out for two years. We loved each other. Very much. But I mistreated her. And the first person that came along and treated her right, she left me for him.
So I'm in a lot of pain right now. First the first month, she had told me there was a chance we might get back together. Today she told me she does not want to get back together.
We go the same school, we have two more semesters together. The other guy graduates this semester, but he'll be in town next semester. After that, he leaves for university.
That gives me hope, but I know I shouldn't hold on. It won't help me, and if anything it'll just damage the situation further, because that hope makes me do stupid things like calling her.
I just want to get over it, but I don't want to forget about it. Is such a thing possible? Is there a place I can get help?
Dak on
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Go out and drink with friends, have some fun and try to kick back.
Everybody goes through heartbreak and has a period of feeling like complete and utter shit. But, this all passes with time.
The best thing to do is to extinguish all hope you have of getting back together, since clinging will lead to more unnecessary pain and is a waste of time and emotional strength.
Hang in there, buddy. :^:
Luckily, you realize you lost her because of how you treated her. So at the very least, you have a valuable life lesson to absorb.
Pick up some active hobbies, sports or working out to get your blood flowing and some endorphin influx.
And realize that next time around the bend you're going to be the great guy that makes a girl's life awesome. You're on the right path, having already seen it you know it works. So now just adjust yourself accordingly.
might i pry into how you mistreated her?
it's hard, especially since you were together for 2 years but you just gotta move on man, dont think you can win her back if she obviously made up her mind.
(Please don't break the law or hurt yourself)
You'll get over it, just get back in the habbit of hanging with your friends.
Satans..... hints.....
I was so unaware that I was not caring I didn't even realize it. So basically I did not make much of an effort in the relationship. I was too confident in it. I thought we would be together always, we loved each other too much - and it was like that, for a while But I wore her down, I guess.
I spent pretty much every waking moment happily with her, I never really realized the effort she put in for that to happen.
And I depended on her for so many things, emotional support, getting me to get through school (she got me to re-enroll after I dropped out once, and she always got me to do homework). And now that she's gone, my first instinct is to talk to her, since she always understood and made me feel better.
She's uncomfortable talking to me now.
She was perfect for me. She loved me so much, so deeply and I used it all up. I'm afraid I won't be able to love anyone the way I loved her because it'll always feel like she's "the one that got away" and it's even worse because it's my fault.
I feel like whatever girl I'll be with will always be second choice now. That bothers me - not so much as the fact that I can't be with my ex any longer, but still.
Also, I'm at a loss for what to do with my life now. I had the next few years planned out with her. Now they're gone. I finish high school, and when I do that'll probably be the last time I see her. What do I do then?
I don't know. Being with friends just makes me want her company more - the company of others just reminds me how hers was so much better.
I know I'm whining. I have to be willing to help myself. But I'm in a pretty bad place.
1) It's over with her. Absolutely finished. You aren't getting back together. You have to accept this and internalize it before you can get past it.
2) Know that you will feel better than you feel now, and that things will look up again pretty soon.
Finally, do something you weren't doing when you were in a relationship. Use that extra time and money to take up a hobby, or buy some books, or take a trip, whatever it is you want to do. Being single can be a good thing, and when you're ready, another relationship will come along.
You mentioned that you had a lot of things planned out and that this leaves a big gap in those plans. You can see that as something liberating. If my ex and I hadn't broken up sophomore year, I wouldn't have ended up spending a year in Cairo, which completely changed my life. The point is that you should see the opportunity that this represents as well as the disappointment.
Good luck.
[edit: reading the thread ftw]
So your big life plans didn't work out. That doesn't mean your life is doomed, it just means that plan is rubbish and you get to start again and make a better plan.
Who cares if you, right now thought she was the one, obviously it didn't work out and that's life. So she wasn't the one.
Go out and do all the things that you wanted to do but you didn't have time. I lost 6 kilograms after I broke up with my last girlfriend cause I had time to do some excersise again as opposed to sit on the couch spending "quality time" watching tv.
Satans..... hints.....
First thing you need to understand is that things are probably just as difficult, if not more, for her. I can say from experience that coming to the realization that you wasted your time, effort and love is a difficult one.
The best thing for you to do is cut off all contact. You'd be amazed at how fast you can get over someone when you don't have any contact with them. Just take the lesson you learned, move on and apply it to your next opportunity.
Also, try to look at the break up as an opportunity for you to really figure yourself out. Like one of those Greeks said, "the unexamined life is not worth living."
More importantly, make sure you give someone (that you actually trust) your phone to prevent any drunk-dialings. These will ALWAYS result in trouble.
Once my friend ended up sleeping half naked (he kept his shirt on only) on his ex's front lawn after a drunk dial. He took off yammering about how maybe she would talk to him in person. Funny, but sad. But really funny.
Take what you can from the relationship in terms of life lessons, learn from your mistakes, and when you feel ready to get back into the dating/girlfriend scene, be all the better at it because of the experiences you enjoyed for the past two years.
It will be hard, but the best choices in life usually are.
As for friendship afterwards - She sounds like she's not quite sure what she wants to classify you as. Until she figures that out, I would recommend not trying to push conversation onto her. Also, don't try and intentionally talk to her (aka directly start conversation with her) until you feel comfortable around her. Otherwise you'll just end up saying something awkward that will make you feel lame and she'll think you're weird and it's just bad for everyone. You can be friends with her again, in time. But patience is the key word here.
Now is the time to strengthen your friendships. Have fun with your friends. You don't need her to enjoy your life, and you can show yourself that by having a good time with everyone else. If they're good friends, they should be willing and ready to support you right now, so it shouldn't be that hard to convince them to go do something.
She was just a small part of your life. Your mind distorted itself into thinking she was a huge part of it. But the fact is that you don't need her. Believe it or not, someone else WILL come along. She WILL be just as good if not better than this girl. And you can use the experiences you had with this one to make it all the sweeter with the next.
Right now you're basing your life completely around the whims of someone that not only just broke up with you, but is with someone else already. That doesn't really make sense to me. Does it make sense to you?
Don't do anything stupid you wouldn't normally do, just because you're feeling like shit.
The best way to get over one girl is to get on top of another.
@VC: sounds like the worst possible plan, I assume you wrote it as a joke?
I woke up at 7 today, like I usually do, but spent an extra nine hours in bed because I knew if I woke up I'd start thinking about her. This is bad.
It's incredibly hard to cut off all contact, because we go to a school of 120 people. It has seven rooms and a staircase. But the Winter Break will help with that.
I have been working out, and getting into good shape. Like, better shape. But in the wrong mindset, getting into shape to make myself more attractive for her. How do I stop this?
I'm thinking of seeing some sort of counselor to help me explore how I really feel, as advised by my school counselor. Do you think this will help me get over her, or rather just keep the wound open?
Any possible female candidates for me to rebound with are close friends, and doing that feels like using them, which is terrible and shouldn't be an option (but I am considering). That's not a good idea, is it?
You want to live on, not turn into a fucking zombie.
That's why people are suggesting he should hang out with friends, do sports and all those other things that require you walking around and having a fun time.
There is some solid advice here friend. Take comfort in your friends, maybe even look up friends you may have been putting off or "havent had time for" when you were with her. If they are truly friends they won't see it as a bad thing you put them off for so long, but as a good thing that you are back to hang out at all!
Talking about it with friends etc might help you to move on. Just get it all out of your system if you feel you need to. If you feel you need to be sad for a while to move on, then do that. Just don't get caught in the trap of staying home all the time and not moving on. You have to get out there and be active both for your physical and mental well being.
For me, gaming and stuff that i did when i was with her just didn't feel as fun anymore for a while. So maybe do something different, that you didnt do before. Anything to keep you focused, busy & active.
Soon enough you will be out and about again, meet a wonderful girl and begin a new part of your life. Keep your chin up man, it happens to the best of us!
Meh, as long as they do know you aren't looking for a long term relationship or anything like that.
Your attitude is totally wrong, staying in bed nine hours cause you will only think of her when you get up is plain stupid. You are in bed, doing nothing, you're going to think about her.
GO SEE YOUR FRIENDS. Tell them you are down about it and you want to forget about her. I don't care if at the moment you don't want to forget about her, tell them this. Then go do something that she hated you doing and rediscover how fun it is.
Last breakup I had I messaged only one of my friends saying I broke up and wanted to do something. 30 seconds later I got a call saying to come round. 1/2 an hour later I was over at his place and he had called everyone else up and we all hung out and drank beers and did silly things. We then all went out on the town and got stupidly drunk. Everyone threw up. Being blind drunk and singing bad 80's songs, makes you forget about her for a while.
The next day I remember sitting there unable to move because I was laughing so hard at all the silly things we did.
Satans..... hints.....
But I'm still wondering if I should see a counselor. My school seems adamant that I do, but I'm still wondering if that will help me "get over it" or simply serve to keep the wound open. Does anyone have an opinion or experience on which?