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Any Guys Out There Help, Please!!!!
TQueen
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Registered User new member
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Seriously?
DTMFA
I'm not going to touch that last part, but to the first thing she says, I too have ended a relationship that had no problems.
Well, except for the fact that I was very interested in someone else and couldn't see myself with my current for the rest of my life.
It happens and it sucks but it fucking happens
If he really loved you, he wouldn't be looking elsewhere for "greener grass".
Sorry. I don't think he loves you. I'm a guy and if a man really loves a woman, he makes it happen.
It's best to make a clean break, suck up the hurt and heal, rather than string it along like a festering wound that never mends.
You deserve better than someone who is so brazen and/or immature and/or cold that they'd dump you to see if they could do better.
Margaret Thatcher
You two need to get readjusted to life apart. Seeing one another on a regular basis is going to impede the process of breaking those habits.
There may have been no problems in the relationship, not going to question that.
However, it sounds to me that this guy doesn't know what he wants.
"Grass being greener" has the ring of a guy who wants to experience other women but doesn't want to say it like that. And pursuing a relationship with a guy who may not want commitment of any sort... well, that's not going to be good for you (or him).
And getting scared later that he's "never going to find someone as non-judgmental as you"... well, the guy could've paid a much better compliment than that. Maybe he has, maybe he said more than that, too. But if that's the part that stands out to you, it doesn't impress me as commitment at all.
The dude perhaps wants to have his cake and eat it too.
In fact, most of us do.
I'd say try to keep your emotional distance until this fella figures out what he wants.
Until he's certain of anything, he's got a pretty good chance of hurting your feelings and also your ability to stay friends.
I would call this taking care of yourself.
So take care of yourself!
Outside perspective is ridiculously valuable and, especially when it comes to relationships, is pretty fucking accurate. The only thing you have that the outside doesn't is the personal interactions and well... those aren't the worth much of anything if what everyone else sees is fucking horrible.
It takes a lot to say "you guys are right and I'll do that even if it is hard".
I doubt you'll take our advice 100%, but I hope you start really looking at what happens with a critical eye.
I'd say it'd be wise for you to stop talking to him for a while until you cool down. Breaking up is hard to do especially when you keep refreshing the same emotions toward the other person by being in contact with them.
I'd bet his intentions are in the right place, caring for you in the only way he feels he can without truly stringing you along, but anything he does for a while will probably give you a false hope that he's interested in getting back together with you rather than him just being afraid of change.
You've gotten some great advice from everyone here, and Improvolone summed it up nicely with "I doubt you'll take our advice 100%, but I hope you start really looking at what happens with a critical eye."
Oh and if you find yourself hoping he gets his junk slammed in a filing cabinet drawer, don't worry, that's perfectly normal.
<edit> Just seen you're last reply. You're doing the right thing gal. Stay strong! </edit>
You guys are in your early 20's. This is a time when it's natural to want to go explore the world, including its people, and see what's out there. I didn't want to be in a long term relationship in my early 20's, maybe he doesn't either. Honestly, he probably still doesn't, but now that he's broken things off with you he misses the routine and feeling of comfort more than he actually misses you. I know that sounds harsh, and it kind of is, but it has been my experience that if someone is mentally prepared to leave a significant other, they will still feel "bad" after leaving. This feeling doesn't come from a "oh I'm so sad I left them abloo bloo bloo" but rather from a "it's different and difficult not having someone in my life as I've had for the past X years". Change is hard. So, essentially, what I'm saying is the danger in getting back together with him in this case is that he'll realize, once he settles back in, that it wasn't really you he missed. It was the change that made him feel uncomfortable. You're setting yourself up to be hurt again by getting back together with him, IMO.
*Underdonk
but they're listening to every word I say
Stay separated, cut off contact for a long time (a few months at least) and get on with your own lives. Respect the time that you've both had together but go out and experience new things (and people) on your own. You'll both be much happier for it in the long run, I assure you.
You've got to learn how to be single again before you can evaluate how your relationship was.
I don't think I'd put too much weight into the "grass is greener' comment. Personally I think some of the people on here are over reacting. I'm not saying this guy is a gem, he might be a total dick, but I think feelings of uncertainty are common for people who haven't dated a lot. He certainly didn't handle it well, but I think it's probably pretty common for someone who goes from not really having dated a whole lot, to being in a longer committed relationship to wonder if they are missing out on something.
I guess what I'm trying to say is it's easy for someone with lots of dating experience to know when they meet someone that they are truly in love with. If the first person you ever date turns out to be that person, you have no yard stick to measure you're feelings. Even if you are really enamored with your SO, if you've never been with someone that you thought you liked but it turned out you didn't love, so it's hard to judge.
Anyways to rap up my ramblings, I don't think you should write this guy off as a loser. But I most certainly think you need to continue to be apart for a while. He needs time to decide what he really wants. I think the best bet would be to stay apart at least long enough for you to develop other interests. If you've been apart long enough that you wouldn't feel bad dating someone else, and you've developed some crushes, or have maybe even dated 1 or 2 other people, and you then decide that you like this guy the most; then you should get back together.
This.
I'm so sorry to tell you, but the above is (sadly) exactly the situation it sounds like to me.
However, you have one thing in your favor: you have the ability to get over him, find a nice guy, and in doing so make him regret ever trying to be such a selfish prick.
Toss him to the curb like a bad habit. It's going to be very hard, but I can promise you that a year from now you'll look back on this as being a fantastic turn of good fortune.
Think about it rationally: he obviously thinks he can "do better" than you. He's coming back because he's afraid he won't find anyone better than you (EDIT: or the person he found "didn't work", either way brings the same conclusion here). The logical conclusion is that the moment he finds someone interested in him who he considers to be "better", you're going to be tossed in the garbage heap.
Why live like that? Why let someone treat you like that? Pardon my language, but F--- that. No one deserves to be treated like that.
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