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Anxiety Fail
Gandalf_the_Crazed
VigiloConfidoRegistered User regular
VigiloConfidoRegistered User regular
Dealing with some complicated anxiety right now that I didn't really know how to explain until someone asked me last night to explain another person's problems, and I realized that I was somewhat bending the explanation into my own framework, so to speak. In any case, I apologize for the following lame analogy -- it was simply the first one at hand.
Sometimes when you're playing an especially long game, you can end up putting in ridiculous playtimes of hours and hours and hours total. Now, imagine you've gotten about 50 hours into the game, and someone erases your save file by accident.
After you hide the body, if you're like me, you're very unlikely to go back to the game, at least for a while. Slogging through the tutorial section of the game, building your characters back up, all of it -- you know how it ends, and for you it didn't end well. It came to nothing.
That's kinda how I feel about my life right now, and I'm looking for mental strategies to overcome the urge to just give up and leave the game "in the cabinet" for a while.
Academically, I've spent the last 3.5 years working on a degree that, now, I have no idea whether I'll even use, how I'd like to use it, or even if I want to use it. I'm starting classes for my senior year this Monday, and frankly the only reason I'm even doing so is because I couldn't find anything I'd rather do instead.
Financially, I'm nearing the red line. I started school with a reasonable amount that I had saved up during junior high and high school, got enough scholarships to cover college, and have been able to live comfortably. Now I don't mind work -- I worked my ass off in high school. It's just the concept that I've kinda reached a new "starting point" in that sense. It's hard to explain, maybe some of you will know where I'm coming from.
Romantically, I'm confused as hell, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't somewhat disappointed. I've never been on a real date despite my best efforts and many great prospects and wonderfully good female friends. I've talked the matter over with a number of my friends (both male and female, older and my own age), and we can't come up with any reason that things shouldn't have gone off well between me and Girl X. And there have been numerous Girl Xs who fit that description. Ultimately, every potentially-romantic situation I've been in has ended up with, "There's not really a reason, in fact the two of us should be really well-matched, but I just don't feel that way about you." Now I'm not one of those guys who feels entitled to a relationship just because "I'm a nice guy" or whatever. In fact, those guys piss me off somewhat. However, it would seem that the odds involved would play out in my favor eventually, even if it was just for one date, you know what I mean? :P
To sum it up, I feel like I'll be graduating next spring and will have nothing in particular to show for the last 22 years of my life. A degree I'm not even sure I want anymore, no significant savings or accomplishments, and I'll be launching out into the world, my friends scattering to various locations and careers, leaving any kind of relationship I had/might have had with them without a stable future. A clean slate in the very worst way I can think of.
Obviously, from a rational perspective, I realize "things aren't that bad" and "I should look on the bright side". But at the moment, it just feels like I'm watching someone get ready to erase my 50-hour save file. :P
TL;DR Don't worry about it. Just some guy freaking out about whether there's life after college for him.
Sometimes when you're playing an especially long game, you can end up putting in ridiculous playtimes of hours and hours and hours total. Now, imagine you've gotten about 50 hours into the game, and someone erases your save file by accident.
After you hide the body, if you're like me, you're very unlikely to go back to the game, at least for a while. Slogging through the tutorial section of the game, building your characters back up, all of it -- you know how it ends, and for you it didn't end well. It came to nothing.
That's kinda how I feel about my life right now, and I'm looking for mental strategies to overcome the urge to just give up and leave the game "in the cabinet" for a while.
Academically, I've spent the last 3.5 years working on a degree that, now, I have no idea whether I'll even use, how I'd like to use it, or even if I want to use it. I'm starting classes for my senior year this Monday, and frankly the only reason I'm even doing so is because I couldn't find anything I'd rather do instead.
Financially, I'm nearing the red line. I started school with a reasonable amount that I had saved up during junior high and high school, got enough scholarships to cover college, and have been able to live comfortably. Now I don't mind work -- I worked my ass off in high school. It's just the concept that I've kinda reached a new "starting point" in that sense. It's hard to explain, maybe some of you will know where I'm coming from.
Romantically, I'm confused as hell, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't somewhat disappointed. I've never been on a real date despite my best efforts and many great prospects and wonderfully good female friends. I've talked the matter over with a number of my friends (both male and female, older and my own age), and we can't come up with any reason that things shouldn't have gone off well between me and Girl X. And there have been numerous Girl Xs who fit that description. Ultimately, every potentially-romantic situation I've been in has ended up with, "There's not really a reason, in fact the two of us should be really well-matched, but I just don't feel that way about you." Now I'm not one of those guys who feels entitled to a relationship just because "I'm a nice guy" or whatever. In fact, those guys piss me off somewhat. However, it would seem that the odds involved would play out in my favor eventually, even if it was just for one date, you know what I mean? :P
To sum it up, I feel like I'll be graduating next spring and will have nothing in particular to show for the last 22 years of my life. A degree I'm not even sure I want anymore, no significant savings or accomplishments, and I'll be launching out into the world, my friends scattering to various locations and careers, leaving any kind of relationship I had/might have had with them without a stable future. A clean slate in the very worst way I can think of.
Obviously, from a rational perspective, I realize "things aren't that bad" and "I should look on the bright side". But at the moment, it just feels like I'm watching someone get ready to erase my 50-hour save file. :P
TL;DR Don't worry about it. Just some guy freaking out about whether there's life after college for him.
Gandalf_the_Crazed on
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I'm 32 and just now going to college after having spent the last 14 years working in record stores and bartending. You have PLENTY of time to get your shit together. Trust me. Travel. Work. Whatever. There are a million girls out there. A million jobs. Blah blah blah. Do whatever makes you happy.
Step 1: BE CONSTRUCTIVE- hunt down the options for someone with your degree (what is it?), and truly exhaust all the possibilities- you might find something that suits you that you hadn't considered before.
Step 2: BE REALISTIC- sure it might not be what you want, but if you can't find a job to suit, go and do ANY job that keeps you afloat, and possibly even lets you save a little. This could have two outcomes- a) that you can save enough to spend more time looking for a job that you want, or b) you might even find you like that job enough to consider it a career.
Step 3: KEEP AN OPEN MIND TOWARDS EDUMACATION- you will have degree. This will open up many grad programs to you, so even if you have to spend some time working to build up enough funds, remember that going back is always a possibility.
Step 4: BE AWESOME- not only will it help you fulfil your ambitions, but keeping positive, being strong mentally when things are tough are also pretty attractive to ladies. Esh underestimated; there's MORE than a million girls. Do you think that you'll never get on well enough with at least one of them to consider staying with her for the rest of your life? It's a HUEG world out there.
Right, now get out there, you pussy! Sending you off by saluting you with the hand of rock:
\m/
-You are emotionally closed off
-You are desperate and creepy
-You are ugly.
But about the desperation. Imagine you go on a date with a girl. And even though she never says as much, you can tell she's desperate. Maybe its random bitter comments about how long its been since she had a date. Maybe its paranoia over whether you'll actually call her again. Maybe its because she insists a little too strongly on dragging the night out as long as possible. But you are definitely getting that "This woman is going to cling to me like nothing else" vibe. She probably doesn't realize she's giving out that vibe. But you sure as hell pick up on it.
That's probably what you do.
It's not attractive to people who are remotely socialized.
It's frequently not even attractive to women who are just as desperate. Odd, no?
As grown up and mature as you may feel, as another poster pointed out, you really are just a kid. Human's don't reach full maturity until like 27-28 anymore. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Force yourself to be constructive. Don't spend 16 hours a day playing wow and eating chips, or whatever it is you do. Get some exercise, fresh air. Find a job that keeps you busy, even if it is a sucky one, and not what you went to school for. Work long hours. Set some reasonable goals, like, I'm going to go out this weekend and I am going to get one girls' phone number.
You sound like a nice enough guy, and everyone goes through this. Just be yourself.
And to give you some perspective, when I was staring graduation in the face, there was a chance I was going to miss it to serve prison time. Not to minimalize your pain, which I'm sure is very real, but things could be worse o_O
Step 4 is always good advice. The only one who says you aren't awesome is yourself, so tell that fucker to shut his hole and get back to being awesome.
Hey! I was in that exact same situation two years ago. Click the spoiler if you want to know more:
But, there was just a small problem. By the end of my sophomore year of college, I had taken a ton of Religious Studies classes - and there were problems. Big problems. Intellectual problems. Rational problems. To my mind, it slowly felt like complete bullshit. By the summer in between my sophomore and junior year, I came to the conclusion that the basic Christian message probably wasn't true. I quit my volunteer positions at the Church.
Oh yeah, I'm gay. My Christian beliefs forbid me from entering into relationships with other guys, so I never really told anyone about it. But now that I didn't believe Christianity was true anymore, I came out of the closet, right around the same time I quit the Church.
And then the world exploded.
It's hard to tell which prejudice caused my friends and family to act the way they did: Did my friends stop talking to me because I was gay or because I no longer wanted to be a part of their church? Did my family cut me off because of God's law against homosexuality or God's law against atheism? Or was it just that we had no real common ground any more and (quickly) drifted apart? I suppose it really didn't matter. By the middle of my junior year in college, I found myself without friends, without family, and nearing closer to graduation with a totally inappropriate degree.
By the end of my Junior year and the beginning of my Senior year, I had pretty much every class I needed for my Religious Studies degree. But I didn't have enough time to gather enough classes to major in something else as well. I could pick one minor, but that was it. I was stuck with my Religious Studies degree, unless I wanted to take on +$30,000 in debt for another year of school. (I wasn't prepared to make that decision.)
- I had a major that I couldn't get rid of and would not use.
- I had never had a romantic relationship with anyone else.
- I was still in the early parts of rebuilding my network of friends, and could count the number of "friends" I had on one hand.
- All of this made me horribly depressed and extremely anxious, and I had frequent suicidal thoughts. (Who wouldn't, given the situation I was in?)
Sound familiar?Here's how I got out of it:
I'm sure you want more specific advice than that, so here's what I did:
First, the Job Issue.
After a short stint in a terrible Customer Service job, followed by 6 months of unemployment in the worst economy in a few decades, I found a job editing a newsletter for a state association.
If you have no idea what you want to do with your life, I highly recommend working through the book What Color is my Parachute. I used it, and it was very helpful. It helped me figure out what kinds of skills I enjoy using (hey, writing!) and have lots of experience at, which directly led me to figure out how I can market those skills in a job search. Plus, the stuff on networking is very helpful too.
Also, I'd recommend you check out your career counseling center. Ask what kinds of services they provide and take advantage of them. Most of them should be able to offer you resume proof-reading and guidance, at the very least, as well as help with business cards (very important). They should also give you access to job fairs. If they're really awesome, they'll help you figure out what kind of career you want to pursue in the first place. I would highly recommend making a point to see all of your career counselors instead of just one, because of the networking opportunities. One career counselor might know someone well who some other career counselor doesn't. And for the love of God, if they e-mail you with a tip, respond to them to make sure they know you're alive (otherwise, they'll stop looking for you). And be sure to pester them constantly.
Also, be sure to know what job fairs are going on right now so you can start your networking early. Be sure to look up who is attending your job fairs before going so you know who to hit. You won't be able to talk to all of them. If you find someone you like, be sure to contact them and continually follow up with them until they respond to you once the job fair is over.
Even the worst major in the worst life circumstances can find a decent job, if you're smart about it. I did other things too, but those are the big ones. Network, job fairs, career services at your school, and the What Color is my Parachute book for figuring out what to do in the first place. Those things are what helped me most.
Second, the Dating Issue.
If you aren't doing it already:
- Work out. Eat better. Get healthy. I'm pretty sure most women are more attracted to guys who take care of themselves.
- Don't be mopey/depressed. Be positive and confident. That will come with time, as you actually improve your life situation.
- Look better! Dressing yourself better and taking care of your appearance can really help you. If you look like a slob, that could be a serious indicator to girls that you don't want to be taken seriously. If you don't have the money, that's fine. Money will come too, with time and a job. Plus, you can still look good even on a shoestring budget.
- If you want something, ask for it. If you find a girl you like and are attracted to, make an effort to get to know them, and actually ask them out on a date. I know it sounds obvious, but I figured I'd state it.
Of course, you could be doing everything right and, for whatever reason, the stars don't align. You know what? That's okay. So it just hasn't happened for you. So what? Keep putting yourself out there, take care of yourself, and be friendly. It'll happen eventually, and it's really not your fault. No need to beat yourself up about it.
And despite what they say, there really are more important things in life than finding a girlfriend.
Finally, Depression/Anxious Thoughts.
Depression is serious. You need to take it seriously. The language about wanting to "leave the game 'in the cabinet' for a while" concerns me, and I suspect you feel more strongly about it than you let on. If you are having suicidal thoughts, its imperative that you open up a new web browser right now and open up your University's website. Look up your Psychological Services section (might be called Counseling Center or Mental Health Center or something similar) and call them up. Tell them how you feel and schedule an appointment right away.
The anxiety you're feeling is perfectly understandable and healthy. It can be helpful, too, if you channel it into changing your life for the better. If it's making you totally unable to do anything, then that's bad. Call your University's Psych Services center and schedule an appointment, they have medication that can treat it very effectively.
As far as a magical cure for making you feel better, the thing that always helped me was actually doing something to address the way I felt. If I suddenly got worried about finding a job, I'd channel that energy into working on my resume. If I suddenly got worried about friendships, I'd channel that energy into writing a text message to a friend saying something funny/insightful. If it was school, I'd open up a book and read, or start working on some project I needed to address. If it was just general anxiety, I'd go get on my bike and ride around campus.
The cool thing is that if you get into those habits, you actually address the core of the problem and you genuinely feel better about it, even if it takes some time. And that's the real cure - solve the thing you're anxious about!
And seriously, I got help from my school's Psych Services department, and they were amazing. I highly highly recommend taking advantage of them, even if you aren't experiencing soul-crushing anxiety or depression. Just ask for an appointment and chat for a while. I promise you won't regret it.
And, damn this makes me feel old, but its almost been ten years since I finished my undergrad degree. Just having a degree in and of it self is very, very, valuable, even if you do not end up working in your academic field. However if your degree is say, an arts degree (like mine), its not the straight ticket to a job that say, engineering, business or comp-sci might be. You may have to work on how to apply your degree to the career world.
If this is something you are worried about, start doing something about it now. There are all kinds of books on "Jobs for a [Blank] Major" you can look at it, and most universities and colleges have career counseling services that can advise you on how to transition from school to work, and what career possibilities exist for each degree. Use them! Trust me, the anxiety will only be worse if you leave off looking into it until after you graduate. Been there, done that, don't recommend it!
Your school probably has a free counseling service that might help you with your stress and romantic issues. I'd recommend jumping on that if it is available.
The point of a degree (as I have always been told) is to show that you are reasonably intelligent and can be trained. It is a bonus in most fields if any of your classes actually relate to your work. My family is full of excellent examples, so I never worried to much:
My dad got a degree in american history and worked as a computer programmer (now is a manager). My mom got a masters in ecology and worked in sales and substitute teaching(business college). My husband has a degree in international relations and teaches physics and I have a degree in physics and am going to medical school. My one sister got a degree in journalism and works in sales and the other sister actually does work related to her major.
I don't have any real advice on the romantic stuff. But I know I always used to find that guys were more interested in me at times when I had decided it would be a really bad time to start a relationship.
This is very helpful, thank you.
@Dust_Hound:
My degree is a double major in Psychology and Mandarin, with a minor in Linguistics.
@Namrok:
That's a possibility. I'll watch for it.
@Melk:
Wowzers. Thank you.
And yes, I'm taking (have taken) the depression and anxiety seriously, especially since there's some family history there. I'm currently on medication for it, and have been since November, actually. The medication helps provide me with energy and willpower to do shit, but that really only helps when I know what shit I'm supposed to do. ;-)
You could do some mildly interesting stuff, like, oh, i don't know- say, going to China to teach English (you don't need to have fluency, but having a good appreciation of the language will help you get around), or helping out with foreign students who come to your country, or whatever. At the very least that'd help you meet folks. (To be fair, these are pretty obvious options, so you've probably already considered and possibly discarded them. But hey- it took me all of three seconds to think of them, so imagine what you could do if you spent a even just a weekend researching the possibilities!)
In any case, this is already AWESOME (caps). Just stick at it, and do remember to consider all your options as everyone else here has said.
-You speak a completely different language.
-That language is one of the most spoken languages in the world.
-You're graduating with a double major and a minor! That looks awesome to employers and speaks volumes about work ethic, ability to multitask, etc. Mandarin isn't like learning Spanish or French, it's not a Romance language and has nothing in common with English!
You can basically get a job in China, or a job in the U.S. that works with China, or vice versa.
I'd like to say this again: you're graduating with a double major and a minor. Congratulations, that is quite an accomplishment. It shows that you're a hard worker, you're smart, you can work in different environments, you can communicate with people in an entirely different language.
Up until this point in your life, goals have been "Get good grades, apply to school higher than current one, graduate current school" rinse and repeat. I've still got a couple of years left in college and I'm planning on grad school but I feel like I'm having the same crisis you are in simply declaring a major.
I keep hearing that it doesn't matter so much what you graduate with. College shows employers that you're different than a high school grad, it shows them you're a hard worker, you have an enhanced skillset, etc. keep plugging man. Look into your school for their guidance counseling program and talk to a counselor and explain how you feel.
Be happy, and again, congratulations on doing such a great job. Also, don't feel bad about the girls. If you have female friends, you obviously aren't a creep that girls are afraid to talk to ;-)
I'm obviously a year or two younger than you but I thought you'd like to hear from a peer that you aren't alone, plus you're doing well for yourself. As Corvus said, those degrees are really marketable, and clearly, you are too since you earned them!
Furthermore, you have two degrees! In something other than Communication or Literature! Ok, so the psychology degree may be a little on the common side, but the mandarin certainly isn't. Even if you aren't going to be a psychologist, you will be able to show that you can do hard stuff and accomplish things.
I know plenty of people (easily a third of my coworkers as well as my wife) have college degrees in areas completely unrelated to technology but have jobs in that area. Furthermore, there are many many jobs that require no directly applicable major.
Murphy's Paradox: The more you plan, the more that can go wrong. The less you plan, the less likely your plan will succeed.
All I have to go on about you is your majors, pretty much, and I can already see a bunch of super marketable skills:
- You're a skilled writer. You've had to write lots of papers for both your majors. Being able to write efficiently is a huge skill to a bunch of employers.
- You can design and implement your own original projects, working well both alone and in a team. Most Psych majors require you to design and implement your own study, and you probably have worked with other students on tons of class projects. This is pretty huge and shows you can get shit done, which is obviously pretty important.
- You're an excellent communicator. Obviously.
- You're a quick, efficient learner. Anyone who knows anything about foreign languages knows that Mandarin is probably one of the toughest for English speakers. Majoring in it means you can not only memorize things real well, you can also piece together complex and foreign ideas quickly.
- You're sensitive to other cultures and points of view. Keeping the office folks working together smoothly is super important to employers, of course.
And I'm sure about a dozen other things.
What you need to do is figure out what skills you like using the most and then figure out what kind of job would allow you to exercise those skills. Then, doggedly pursue that job. Employers will see that you're awesome and a perfect fit, and you'll have a job in a snap.
And really dude, you're much better off than me, a gay atheist with a BA in Religious Studies, and I managed to find a job in the worst job market of the past couple decades. You'll do awesome. Just figure the above shit out and that's one problem solved.
Now we just need to find you some :winky: and we'll be all set!