Breaking up is hard to do

Susan Delgado

So my boyfriend of a year and a half and I broke up. Well...technically, we're "taking a break" but really it's over.

I know I am so much better than him and I deserve better than what he's put me through. The simple fact of the matter is, I'm crushed.
This is the first serious relationship I've had since my ex fiance' and I split back in '06.

I'm sad, I'm angry, I want to move back home and crawl under a rock.

I've been trying to get out of the house as much as possible, but it's been really hard because I do not have any friends here that I can hang out with. I've tried meeting people on OKCupid or meetup before we even split and ugh... I'm having zero luck meeting anyone new... not to date, just to hang out with, get out of the house, do fun stuff, get on with my life.

He's living across the state now, surrounded by friends and family and left me here in a town where I had nothing but him, really.

I'm just not dealing with this well. It's affecting my work, I'm not sleeping, I know I've pulled away from people back home.

Help me deal with this by myself, because honest to god, I'm all I've got right now.

urahonky

Couple of questions Susan. How old are you and your ex? How long ago did you break up? Why did you break up (unless it's too personal... If it is, don't worry about this one!)?

Susan Delgado

I'm 29, he's 26. We broke up about 2 weeks ago but it's been a long time coming down the pike. We broke up because he's been unemployed for almost the whole time we've been together and he moved back in with his mom and dad recently...he decided he didn't want to have to do the "boyfriend shit" like calling me or even sending me an email just to say "Hi" or "I love you".

It's been an ongoing issues that he's never really been involved or participated in our relationship. I supported him while he wasn't working, I did special things for him to show him that I cared and loved him and supported him trying to find work or go back to school or whatever he wanted to do....but he refused to reciprocate. He's very obviously depressed and I tried to even help him find a counselor. He wouldn't take any help.
He left me in the town I'm in without any kind of support system and refused to do anything to be there for me or communicate with me and it hurt to the point where I said I needed a break. He says he wants me to be "OK" without having to see or talk to him... so that's what I decided to give him... all the damn space he wants... but it's crushing me.

I want to be OK without him because I know I deserve better ... but I'm not dealing or coping very well at all.

Sheep

Where do you live? Or, at least, what state?

You could always go to local music events, book events, etc.

Basically, you gotta start filling your time. Social events do that and introduce you to knew people.

urahonky

Susan, I don't want to sound coldhearted but it sounds like leaving him is the best thing you could have done in a long time. Really, being unemployed (for the year and a half) and not showing you any sort of love is pretty low. You honestly deserve better than him and it'll take time to heal the wounds. Just keep yourself occupied. Remember there will be a guy that can (and will) treat you better out there. Going straight to OKCupid might not be the best idea. Right now you should sort stuff out for yourself.

You're a better person than he is.

Forar

Agreed (and not just for the novelty of agreeing with Urahonky, my respec nemesis); you clearly deserve to be treated with love and support. One of the things a couple has to work out are the financial aspects of life, and living together (and thus, theoretically having two incomes, even of differing amounts) is supposed to ease the burden across your mutual shoulders. Lengthy unemployment such as that can't be an easy burden to bear, and the lack of emotional support (said "boyfriend stuff") certainly couldn't help the situation any.

As much as it hurts, it sounds like you're better off without him. Take time to yourself, find your balance again and keeps your eyes open for quality people. If you kept house on your own for a year and a half, that alone makes you quite the catch, and anyone you give the time of day to had damned well better recongnize it.

Susan Delgado

I totally agree with you that I am a damn fine catch

It still hurts like hell and baffles me to no end that HE doesn't want ME. I mean...C'MON.
And I am really hurting...it's stupid and defies all logic but yeah, it's put me into a total tailspin.

Also, I just want to clarify that I was on OKCupid way before we broke up and it was a suggestion from here I think and of a friend of mine back home that people have had luck just meeting friends or pen-pals on that site. I'm not trolling for dates lol

Thanks guys >insert puppydogeyes here<

KidDynamite

Susan Delgado wrote: »

...he decided he didn't want to have to do the "boyfriend shit" like calling me or even sending me an email just to say "Hi" or "I love you".

I'm sorry that it is hard, and it is. No doubt. But the sentence above is the only thing that I need to hear to know you are on the right track.

I'm sorry he is going through a tough time, and But it sounds like you were carrying him, not supporting him.

You need to do somethings that you want to do, read your favorite books (gunslinger aww yeah...) or catch up on some vid-games. Just throw yourself in some activities.

edited for potentially bad advice.

witch_ie

Living alone can be really hard when you haven't done it before - and by alone I mean without having a support structure in town. I had to learn to this myself for awhile - even went to therapy to find out a good way to do it. The most helpful thing I was told was to look at it as an opportunity. Do not wallow in what you don't have or aren't as connected to. Take this as a chance to try things that you never have before - explore with social or community groups. Try out a new hobby. Revel in the fact that except for work, you can do whatever you want any time you want.

A lot of times people give the same advice regarding break-ups - mostly to get your mind off the person. This is slightly different, this is about a new perspective on life and what you can make it. Also, I have to say if you try all this and are still miserable - there's no reason to stay in a place that you're not happy. Just make sure you're always moving towards something specific and not just away.

EggyToast

I did this with the other breakup thread, but the advice still holds: Read your old threads on the subject. The one for you is here, from a year ago:

http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=63418

The point is that seeing what you felt back then should justify that you're doing the right thing now. Yes, you can look back and say "why did I stay with him for so long," although that's not productive. What you should do is think about what you want to do, and what you've missed out on.

There's nothing wrong with feeling slighted and depressed. Watch a favorite movie, read a favorite book, eat a favorite food. Read AlyceInWonderland's thread about her boyfriend.

MaLibu

i know the feeling. before me and sheep got engaged, i dated a jerk for over a year.

for the tl;dr story of my jerk

he was in college and didn't really have a job. so i supported him. bought him clothes, usually paid for dinner, and bought him booze for his drinking problem. after he graduated, he moved back home b/c he didn't want to stay in the small college town and live in my apartment. so we did the long distance thing for about 4 months. i did all the driving back and forth every other weekend. and it wasn't a small 2 hour drive. it was 4 to 5 long hours late at night b/c i worked a graveyard shift. he refused to come see me b/c 'there isn't anything to do there!' every time i would go down to see him, he would be drunk, and we would sleep on some friends couch. he didn't look for a job, didn't try to find a job, and i had to pay his bills and give him gas, cig, and booze money. i finally quit my job, moved back home to be closer to him, just a 2 hour drive, got another job to support him, and it was still like pulling teeth to get him to come see me. when he finally got a job, he would whine if i asked for any financial help, like paying the credit card bill that i neglected to help him. then to top it all off, on my 23rd bday i decided to go to the place i moved from to see friends and to get a flipping awesome tattoo, he complains and tells me i'm selfish for not coming to see him on MY bday!! like really wtf?! so i told him screw it, i'm done with you, your drinking, and your self centered ways.

you are way better than that jerk. be happy that you are done with him. its hard to get over someone when you invested so much time and effort. but now you can invest that time and effort into yourself.

King Nada

If you're the active sort, try finding some community sports teams to join. Depending on where you live, craigslist can be a good place to find teams and also just pickup games as well. If you're not the active sort, find somewhere to volunteer at: Libraries, public radio, etc.

Susan Delgado

Ha... most people don't pick up on where my SN is from...

I know it's crazy and self depreciating and yet I let this whole line of thinking totally invade my little brain and I don't know how to make it stop. I'm terrified that he's the best I'll ever get... And that's completely batshit crazy to think because at least on some level, I fucking rock.

Seriously. I'm educated, I have career goals, I love hockey, beer, video games, and zombie movies. What the hell is not to love about that??

I just want to get over this horrible feeling and this negative worthless feeling that's eating me up. I hate that he's killed my confidence.

Niceguy Myeye

I'm sure other people have the sound advice handled. I admit that sometimes I want to have a problem just so I can get Eggytoast's choice advice!

What helps always is a good Breakup song.

Sinead O'conner's Troy is fantastic for breakups.

I can't link the Youtube at work.

urahonky

Woah wait, zombie movies? C'mon, no one can hate a girl who doesn't like zombie movies.

That feeling will pass in time. I heard breaking something that he got you (if he did... If not, then you should really cheer right up) helps. But overall time will help you out. There's no real speed up process to this. Go out, and watch District 9 with some friends. You'll enjoy it. :P

(Also I'm still on the fact you like zombie movies... But that's because I'm a huge advocate of them)

King Nada

Now may be a good time to come up with a new zombie plan that involves using him as bait, as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFLtUxncZcU

EggyToast

Susan Delgado wrote: »

Seriously. I'm educated, I have career goals, I love hockey, beer, video games, and zombie movies. What the hell is not to love about that??

Do you love that? Then who cares if a guy does?

I'm a guy who doesn't like hockey, beer, or zombie movies. So we wouldn't be a good match. But more importantly, the things I DO like, I don't like them because they'll get me a girl. I like them because I honestly like them.

I'm not saying you don't actually like those things. But don't get so caught up on something being a "boy thing" and then think that it should get you a relationship. Enjoy those things for yourself.

One of the most common things for people to do after a breakup is to list things that they see as positive about themselves (I'm smart and funny, and gosh darn it people like me) and then twist it around to make it all focused on the ex (so why doesn't this person like me!?). Why? He's dumped you, he's moved on, and that mentality is just dumping on yourself. And it emphasizes that feeling that you're "so good" but "not good enough for anyone else."

Eventually you realize that the things that you're into are what make you you, and that it doesn't matter who your boyfriend is for you to be into those things. More importantly, you don't need to define yourself by your relationship status or your boyfriend. And then you realize "I'm gonna do my own thing because I feel like it!"

And that's usually a very attractive thing to other people, which is why so many people claim to find a happy relationship when they're not looking for it.

-Phil-

Good for you Susan. You should enjoy this time :^:

mully

You're doing a good thing. If there's no reciprocation of relationship "duties", he doesn't deserve to be in *A* relationship, let alone *YOUR* relationship.

(I went through the same thing a couple of years ago. It is for the best.)

Eeveelution

Take this time and figure out what you want to do, that you couldn't before. Enjoy your time, and keep your head up. You seem smart and grounded, so you shouldn't have too much trouble when you are looking for a guy in the same situation.

Go Fishing. Like real fishing. Nothing I can think of more relaxing then wasting a day at the lake.

AlyceInWonderland

Susan--
I went through the same exact thing you're going through right now. Was with a guy for 2 years, he didn't appreciate me, I still stood by him, he continued to act like a selfish dick in all areas, I STILL stood by him, and then he dumped me.

It will hurt for a while. All people are different, though, and you may be over him soon enough. I know it's been 3 weeks since my ex broke up with me, and I'm already feeling so much better. You just have to realize that your ex treated you like shit. You sound like an awesome gal, and I KNOW you can do so much better. Who wants a boyfriend who doesn't do "boyfriend shit"? It's those little things that end up meaning a lot, and there are TONS of guys out there who will do that 'boyfriend shit' for you. I've just recently learned this, as well.

If you ever need someone to talk to about this matter, please, don't hesitate to contact me. It always helps to talk to someone who went through something similar. The person that really helped ME out in that regard was Mully, so I know it does help.

Susan Delgado

To everyone- I really appreciate the encouragement and advice. I hate that I've let this get to me as much as it has.

I want to move on, I want to be happy and have people around me that actually give a damn. I just wish it was as easy for me to let go as it has been for him.
Maybe I can at least get some halfway decent poetry out of all this?

mully

Haha yes, poetry will come.
Also, don't talk to him on the phone, don't talk to him at all. Just cut all ties. It's much, much easier in the long run.
I made the mistake of thinking I could talk to my ex on the phone as a friend about 3 months after we broke up -- huge mistake, I spent the rest of the night crying, despite him still being the same douchebag I should have never been with in the first place.
Some people really like to keep everyone on the edge, and say things that will lead you to believe that you might still be loved -- but they'll only do this for their own ego, so let it go. Let it goooo.

Chases Street Demons

I'd like to add a vote for the column of "sever all ties". Out there somewhere there may be people who can see and hang out with their exes after the breakup and be alright. Those people are freaks of nature. It's not natural to be able to overwrite all the old feelings.

Setting out to "meet people" is rough. It's artificial. The best way to meet people is to do what you like to do, but in a public manner. Pen and Paper roleplayer? Start a game from a local hobby shop or college campus. Book person? All kinds of Barnes and Noble events. Animal person? Volunteer at a shelter. Into theatre? I'm sure there's a local playhouse.

If you're doing things you like you'll be more relaxed and the people you do meet will share at least one interest. This brews both romantic and platonic relationships.