No Motivation

ZerolinK

So yeah, I'm back again. I dunno but I've really fallen in love with the blunt personalities here in the PA forums. I guess I can trust you guys with anything since you guys are brutally honest.

Anyways, it's exactly as the title describes. I went to the first day of school today (I'm a high school senior now). I got out and everything was normal, but when I got home, I didn't feel like doing anything.

I got homework the first day and that really doesn't bother me, I'm use to that stuff in AP classes. What really hit me is that I don't want to do ANYTHING. Not the homework, not play games, not even eat. Don't wanna sleep, don't wanna stare at a wall, don't even want to kill myself. It's just that, I don't even know how to describe it. It's all worthless. We go to school, get work, I barely work at all and get good grades. I have a bright future as one of the smartest kids in school and most likely to succeed. I just see no point in it. No point in anything. No point in my life. All I'm gonna do is help destroy the Earth in one way or another. I'm not gonna disprove E=MC2 and make every space geek's fantasy come true (I wish). I'm not gonna be the first guy on Mars. I'm not gonna discover life in a new planet. All I'm gonna do is eat, crap, deposit what's left in a way that slowly kills the Earth. I don't even know what to say. I don't even have the guts to kill myself. I can't even cry over it. I gave up trying to get a decent girl to like me and possibly get my first kiss. I'm gonna die eventually and there's no point to it. Whatever I do discover will be wiped out when the human race is gone. Then any trace of us is gonna be gone. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT TO DO! I need freakin' help. My mind's become warped... more than before. I don't even have the motivation to continue being a misanthrope. There's no point in hating people... it's not gonna change them....

Athlantar

I remember feeling exactly the same way in high school, down to a T. If this advice isn't useful to you, please dont take it the wrong way, its just what got me through that mindset.

Realising that each of our lives is such a small part of the cosmic picture is pretty daunting and humbling. But I really found it to be relaxing knowing that anything at all that I do in life doesn't really matter, so I might aswell just go about it and try to make the people close to me happy, be they friends, family, or girls. I agree when you say "I just see no point in it. No point in anything.", but its the exact same as when someone asks, "Why do we exist?". You can look at it from the angle of "Why?", or from the angle of "Why not?".

I've always believed that the meaning of life is to give life meaning, so I try to do that. I decided I would learn a new instrument, read more, listen to more music, get a part time job and just do things that involved other people. Setting goals you're actually interested in is one of the best ways to gain motivation, but the hardest part is even picking something you want to do.

One thing I also learned, don't bother wasting your energy hating people - just ignore them if you don't want to be involved in their lives. But when somebody is making an effort to be involved in yours try to let them if you think they're a good person and will be a good friend.

I'm just kind of rambling at this point I guess, but I know highschool is surprisingly tough for people who aren't challeneged by the workload. You don't have alot of rights as an adult to do what you'd like to, even though you probably have the maturity to handle it. Life gets better in afew years, I promise.

Uncle Long

First off, you need to find someone who you can talk to about this. Be that a friend, relative, your physician, school counselor or a therapist. This doesn't sound like the kind of thing that you can get through simply by "trying harder."

Second, you need to force yourself to get a little more exercise in the meantime.

Third, you don't have to be afraid to think these things through on your own, but also don't be afraid to let other people help you think these things through.

TychoCelchuuu

Sounds like depression (but I'm definitely not a psychiatrist).

BlochWave

First: Your feelings aren't particularly unique and pretty much everybody goes through a time when it occurs to them that no, in fact you can't be anything you set your mind to, not in the broadest possible sense, at least.

Second: You, as a human, are in a state of flux. That self-awareness that you picked up when you were 2 or 3 is starting to really solidify. Back then it was nice to know that your mom wasn't ceasing to exist when you couldn't see her, now it's occurring to you that your self is pretty damned small and surrounded by a lot of other selfs. Soon you're running off to college or the workforce or whatever, and you're going to interact with society for really the first time (high school isn't real life, in 2 years it'll be a distant memory. It's not too true to call college real life either. Far from it.) and at the end you're going to be a significantly different person than you are now. I am, at 24, and I think most people would feel the same. I would probably kick my own ass if I had to deal with myself at 18 or 19.

As far as the cosmic viewpoint, well, we just simply don't interact in the universe at that scale, so there's no reason to think in those terms. You worry about upsetting the earth? 99% of the earth's mass isn't alive, in a cosmic sense it's not something you can "hurt." And that 1% is going to be gone in 5 billion years anyways when the sun runs out of hydrogen and starts fusing helium. If you're going to think in those terms, finish it out! How about this: you are an immeasurably small fraction of matter out of all the universe, incalculably tiny, and you, out of alllllll that matter, get to experience anything. What would your disassociated atoms be doing in the meantime? I daresay I, as a living person, am more meaningful than nearly 100% of the matter in the universe. Might as well do something

cooljammer00

The least you can do is get a friend or someone who you can be nihilistic together with.

ZerolinK

ah... I don't even know what to say. It's hard to feel positive, especially when you know as much as a 20-something year old because you actually bothered to learn from others' mistakes. I'm actually pretty physically fit, even though I've gained 20 pounds I'm still more physically fit than a lot of people in my school. I have a lot of people that consider me to be their friend, though I don't feel the same way about them. It feels like there's no point to it. It's hard to think "Why not" when one wrong move at this stage can ruin my life and leave me in the streets because of a passing state of mind. I hate psychiatrists. All they ever do is want to prescribe drugs. If I were to go to one I'd probably be force fed drugs, or be in an asylum.

It's hard to show interest in girls when the person you like hates how you think so negative about yourself and she can't understand that she and everyone else is part of the reason.

I've reached the point where I just wanna do nothing. I wanna run off to Alaska and live the rest of my life as a hermit. That way, at least when I die my body will go on to feed something.

Just because I'm alive doesn't mean the rest of the universe isn't. Just because we can't prove something doesn't mean it's not true. I've suffered from this thing where I can't hurt anything with a smile, and especially anything with a sad smile. I still have a lollipop from nearly a year ago I can't eat because the wrapper has a sheriff smiling on it and it looks like a sad smile (it's called people pop). I started crying when my I told my friend and he started messin' with his lollipop as a joke.

It's reached the point where I don't see it in terms of "why?" or "why not?" I see it in terms of "why bother? what will I gain?" So far, in my entire life, I've gained nothing and now I reached the point where I don't even want to move on....

Lilithium

Hey man, I know exactly how you feel! I see no point in doing anything. My friends who I took time out of my day to help them when they needed it, left me when they no longer saw any use for me. My parents treat me like a dog, and all I want to do is sleep and not wake up. There is no point to anything. I don't mean to preach, but tell me, what do I get out of improving my situation? Continuing this bullshit slice of life I have is not worthwhile.

Wanna be nihilistic together? Although, it may be a little too much effort for me to invest.

Saddler

Your school has a counselor that you can go and talk to. I guarantee that they have a lot of experience with people who feel the way you do. Hopefully can offer some interesting insight.

Also, read Sartre.

ZerolinK

I'm not gonna bother with the counselor, I already said they're just gonna put me on drugs. I'm the guy who wants to wipe out the human race but can't. I've always been nihilistic, it's just hit me this hard. It's probably cuz I feel like people don't care about me. I let them use me so that they can become weak, then I pull out when they need me and watch them suffer. I don't feel like telling that to a counselor. And how I wish the human race were dead and how it's the scourge of the world. I doubt I can get off scott clean by saying that.
I don't even want a partner anymore. I've already accepted the fact that I'm never gonna be married. I told my mum I never kissed a girl and she told me she was ashamed... and she's a classical catholic woman. It's reached the point where I just wanna stay alone, but I long for someone like me....

Waldo

Athlantar wrote: »

I've always believed that the meaning of life is to give life meaning

I have latched on to this idea recently. Don't despair because you can't find any meaning in your (or the world's) existence. There is meaning in most anything you do, as long as it is something. Hell, some might argue that what you're going through (sounds like some mini-existential-crisis, one that you are describing very dramatically) gives meaning to life, since you can feel emotions and think thoughts such as these.

As for the loss of faith in the people around you/humanity, I would wonder how many people you have had meaningful social interactions with in the last few weeks or months, if it's not many (could be wrong here, and nothing personal if you haven't).

I've heard people say things like what you're saying before after going through a period of isolation. Everyone seems to hear secondhand or witness from afar people being terrible beings, and then they proceed to write off humanity until they find someone they connect with, i.e. a decent friend. Then those feelings might go away. So all I can suggest is (and I hope that others on the board will back me up a bit) that there are many good human beings out there, maybe even the majority of people, and just by spending time with some people you will start to believe that others are worthwhile.
Maybe the fact that others have had the same feelings you have (and live with them) shows you that humanity is alright.

About the kissing a girl or having a girlfriend thing, I wouldn't get too stressed about that either. You're 17, maybe 18 years old, things happen at different times for everyone. I'm 19--I've kissed a girl, but never been on a real date or had a girlfriend, yet I don't stress out about it because I have the aforementioned faith in humanity, and feel that soon/someday (probably with more effort on my part) I will find someone I wish to be romantically involved with who feels the same. So maybe the first step is to, uh...like people (as a species) more (I wish I could put it more eloquently).

Sorry for the run-on post.

TL;DR----Maybe the solution is to just get out there and do stuff/meet people and make your own meaning in life, and things might make more sense. Or you have fun and stop worrying about vague "meanings".

Edit: As others said, someone to talk to would be a good idea, whether a friend, therapist, family member, teacher, or counselor.
Also, nobody can make you take meds if you don't want to. For one thing, generally, therapy is done with psychologists (who cannot prescribe meds themselves,) not psychiatrists (who are the MDs who describe meds).

ZerolinK

I'm not really allowed to go anywhere. My extreme empathy makes me hate people because I don't understand how they can be rude to people. The thing is, no, I haven't done anything meaningful with people in a while. People do things with me they seem to find meaningful, but I've yet to experience that. No one ever really tries to understand me much. No one bothers to think like me. To be so open minded that you're best friends with a crack addict and yet your pure straight edge. I've yet to find anyone that says "hey man, I understand you, wanna be friends?" All the people I've found assume I'm someone else. That I'm a nerd who thinks they have a shot with the hottest girl. That I can't get a girl (I dated a girl so pretty people made rumors that she was my cousin... yet I've never kissed her). It pisses me off how people always assume everything. As for my isolation... I've always been isolated. Always. Since the day I was born. I practically didn't have brothers or sisters. When I was born my youngest sibling was 14. I wasn't even suppose to be born. The doctor told my mum to get an abortion. So I've gotten used to the loneliness, it just feels like too much to bear right now. I can't even cry about it. I'm that pathetic really.

Khavall

Wow did that turn stupid fast. First I figured it was depression. Then I realized you're just in high school.

First of all, in case my first hunch was right, go see someone, preferably professional about the depression. That's what they're there for.

Second of all, drugs can help. Sometimes there's just something off about levels of chemicals and they fix it. If you go to someone professional and they put you on anti-depressants, take them. This is someone who knows far, far more than you do about these things. That doesn't mean they're all perfect at their job, but it does mean that they by and large know what they're doing. And they're not just walking drug dispensers either.

Third, and now that I've given the soft fluffy advice get the fuck over yourself. You don't know the same things as a 20-something year old. You're not the smartest kid ever who's realized truths about life as a high-school senior. That girl who's "part of the problem" and doesn't like you for your dark dark thoughts? Yeah, she's not the goddamn problem there. Your friends that you're a raging douche to "watching them suffer" when they need you? They don't stay up at night thinking "OH HOW COULD HE I NEEDED HIM MY LIFE IS RUINED". They talk to other friends, continue to live normal lives, and if they think of you at all they just think that you're a colossal dick. You're not the single dark enlightened martyr of existence living a life of quiet desperation while everyone else lives in a happy cloud of ignorance. Everyone goes through that shit in high school, to varying degrees. It's easily top 5 of retarded high school shit. Up there with writing awful poetry, wearing too much Axe body spray and spiking your hair.

So in other words
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE
That's pretty much the on-the-spot psychological advice I have.

ZerolinK

I fall in love too easily, I fall out of love too easily. I'm too sensitive. I'm too weak. No matter how hard I push myself I never get stronger. I'm ugly. I'm an idiot. I'm too smart. My skin is too dark. My skin is too light. There's always something wrong with me. I eat too much sugar. I eat too little sugar. I'm not smart enough. I should be like my brother. I'm as bad as my brother. I'm everything and nothing. After being compared and contrasted to everything so much. You realize you're not even a person. Just a tool. The you realize you have nothing to really live for. No one to live for. No one to love. No one to love you. Then you end up like me. A cynical husk who just does what he's told and nothing else. Tell me to jump, I jump... but only once. Tell me to jump 5 inches 8 times, I'll do it 8 times, then I wait. I do it more than 8 times they get angry. I do it exactly 8 times and wait for a command and they still get angry. There's never a way to please or met someone when all they want you to be is them. When being yourself is so dangerous you dare not be it.

Lilithium

I feel your apathy, Zero. I feel the same way. I'm the middle child of my family. I'm in-between generations. Been the one they skipped over. Doesn't really bother me. I'm becoming increasingly numb to their abuse too. Not much point in trying to do anything about it.

Do me a favor, and blow this depression shit away. All a psychologist will do is prescribe you an SSRI, and those are NOT FUN to ween yourself off. You can't just stop taking it, you know? Or you'll go on some homicidal killing spree, or whatever.

ZerolinK

I know what you mean though. I know this is all a phase. It just feels like a phase that won't end. When you've been going through it for all 17 years of your life you don't know what it's like to feel anything else. The thing is, I'm afraid of taking those drugs. I don't know why, I just don't want to. I've been waiting for so long for this phase to pass by but it just hasn't happened. There are the few people I care about, but I feel like they don't really care about me. I just end up in this spiraling loop that I try to hide with fake happiness. It's easy to say "Get the fuck over it," but doing that is an entirely different thing altogeather.

And surprisingly enough, I can't hurt anything. My empathy prevents me from doing anything hurtful (mentally) to anyone because I'd feel it. People consider it a good thing to have, but I've always viewed it as a curse, as the cause of all my issues. That and my belief that every person is a walking universe makes me unable to hurt them physically.

VisionOfClarity

If I could slap you around I would. I don't see a reason in sugar coating this since you really don't seem to want to do anything to change this. You really need to get over yourself. I'm not going to give you the "hey cheer up man it'll be ok" advice, mostly because if you insist on not doing a damn thing to make things better it won't get better. You don't want to go to a doctor because you don't want to be put on drugs but you obviously need professional help (crying over a lollipop is not normal no matter how you slice it) so either get it or get used to feeling like this because it isn't just going to go away on it's own.

That and if you're always this mopey and bizarre, then no, people aren't going to want to be around you. Who wants to be friends with the kid who talks about destroying the human race and sad lollipops like a Hot Topic Philosopher?

Caramel Genocide

ZerolinK wrote: »

The thing is, I'm afraid of taking those drugs. I don't know why, I just don't want to.

Look at it this way: If you had a broken leg, you'd get yourself to a doctor, right? I get it though, the drugs are different because they do shit with your brain - and that can be a scary prospect.

I've been down that road myself, and I'm glad I mustered up enough courage to do it. Getting on anti-depressants allowed me to gain some much needed clarity on my life and things are SO much better for me now.

Please, go see someone. Maybe they won't end up prescribing anything, maybe all you need is to talk to an impartial observer. But if they do prescribe something, you don't just start taking the pills and that's that - if they're not working for you, go back and get something else. It may take a few tries - it's important that you don't give up.

ZerolinK

the thing is, even though I have a lot of "friends" that hang out with me, and I don't talk about my issues because I fake happiness, I just get filled with fear. I just don't know what it is, but you're right, I should get over it. The thing is, I'll get over it for a day or a week or a month and look back and think how much of an idiot I was and hwo you should have slapped me, but then it'll come back and I'll be right back where I started. Also, I hate hot topic and I hate the people in it, more than I hate overly religious people.

Stormwatcher

ZerolinK wrote: »

I fall in love too easily, I fall out of love too easily. I'm too sensitive. I'm too weak. No matter how hard I push myself I never get stronger. I'm ugly. I'm an idiot. I'm too smart. My skin is too dark. My skin is too light. There's always something wrong with me. I eat too much sugar. I eat too little sugar. I'm not smart enough. I should be like my brother. I'm as bad as my brother. I'm everything and nothing. After being compared and contrasted to everything so much. You realize you're not even a person. Just a tool. The you realize you have nothing to really live for. No one to live for. No one to love. No one to love you. Then you end up like me. A cynical husk who just does what he's told and nothing else. Tell me to jump, I jump... but only once. Tell me to jump 5 inches 8 times, I'll do it 8 times, then I wait. I do it more than 8 times they get angry. I do it exactly 8 times and wait for a command and they still get angry. There's never a way to please or met someone when all they want you to be is them. When being yourself is so dangerous you dare not be it.

Seriously, dude, that's just being a teenager. It's really common. Problem #1 is feeling too much pity of yourself. Get over that. We're not gonna join you. I felt like that too. I got over it. Thing is, no one is perfect, not even ourselves, but we're not really much worse than anyone else. Anyone who thinks even a little bit about things in general feel like a "cynical husk".

Those are just the growing pains. Something good might come out of it. Maybe nothing. It kinda goes away.

Try to find something you care about outside of yourself and other people. Some craft, skill, hobby, profession. It could literally save your life. It doesn't matter if makes sense now, or if it's "useful".

VisionOfClarity

Seriously, get professional help. That's what these people are for. At this point it's not even taboo anymore. You're not going to definitely be put on drugs, not all counselors can even prescribe drugs and if you make it clear that you want to try other treatments first a good doctor will respect this. Not all treatment involves medication so it's worth trying. Who knows, if you are put on medication you might find yourself feeling a lot better than you have in a long time. If the medication doesn't help this is something you can talk to your doctor about and find the right one/dose for you. There's nothing wrong with being on medication if you need it. It's nothing to be ashamed of or to be self conscious about.

ZerolinK

You're right, that's what I've been trying to do. I used to draw and I tried to go back to it, but I look at my art and realized, I couldn't draw for shit back then, and not even now. But you're right. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to wake up and think positive. Maybe it'll fail, maybe it won't. I don't want you guys to pity me, I don't want anyone to tell me it's gonna be alright. I wanted/needed the hard slap in the face I knew I'd get from you guys. Now I just hope and can get myself to feel the same tomorrow and stay that way. I'm not feeling happy right now, but I don't feel depressed. I'm at this neutral I haven't felt in a while. Hopefully I'll stay this way for a long while, when I drift either way I'll think to what you guys said. Thing is, when I'm happy I'm too happy, then I'm too depressed. When I'm happy I flirt... with everyone, including guys. When I'm depressed.... yall already saw. I haven't been my original self in ages... if I can even remember that old me....

VisionOfClarity

I hate to throw this out because I'm not a doctor and it could sound like an over reaction, but really high highs and really low lows could be a sign of being bipolar.

ZerolinK

I already know that lol, but when I'm one way I'm a completely different person. Period. It's like... how to explain, my happy side is pretty much bi-sexual, my other side is asexual. They're like 2 different people with different personalities and taste. Not quite 2 different people in the real sense because I can remember what happens when I go to either side, but it's like none of them are really me. There was a me that, though infrequent, actually loved his empathy. The one that used to come out when I'd do exercise, or try and learn guitar. When I played drums, all these things I can't do anymore because of what I face I guess.

BlochWave

Yah, my advice came from me thinking you were having your first existential crisis or something, when after reading your following posts, and this is me supplying your requested bluntness, you're being self-loathing pity seeking teenager #463487563, with a little dash of existential nihilism (which I guess is also a little cliché)

I knew a guy, a coworker and a bit of a friend, who was bipolar. His bipolar didn't manifest itself in him being angsty on an internet forum, it manifested in him taking a bottle of sleeping pills and then putting a bag over his head as they kicked in when he was 33. Didn't know he had the condition until the funeral, always a happy guy when I knew him. See, that's a mental illness. Or the time cube guy, who is clearly schizophrenic.

You should talk to a counselor at your school, they can often be pretty good. If you go and don't like it, don't go back. Nothing to lose, something to gain. Easy choice, isn't it? Clearly you want to talk about it, and a professional will be anonymous like we are, and probably more patient, understanding, and respectful.

Zombiemambo

This sounds like a classic case of depression. Go see a psychiatrist.

BioHaz594

Zerolink, I went through the Exact Same thing. You wrote everything that I felt when I was growing up to a T, word for word.

Hell, for me it lasted past high school. I was able to manage it, keep it in balance, for a long while.
Then it started slipping just this past couple of months. I was having trouble geting out of bed, I was barely functional at work. Felt worthless, useless, apathetic, nihilistic. All of these thoughts were circular and fed themselves, making it worse. Its not possible to be functional when you tell yourself that you are not, and when you dont do anything about it it just reaffirms the "I am so useless" thoughts.
When I went to go to my doc for something unrelated to my mental state, he asked me how I have been doing otherwise and I told him that I had been feelin a bit depressed as of late, and that it was starting to get worse; I had started thinking "bad thoughts" as he put them.
We started talking about it and he gave me a month's supply of an antidepressant (lexapro to be specific) to see if it helps.
After a couple days on it, I felt worlds better. I felt more confident in myself, I became interested in doing things I had come to be completely indifferent towards. I started pulling my life back together.

To be honest, it does feel a bit embarassing to say to people that I am on antidepressants considering that there seems to be this split in my perception about how to fix one's self, Pharmacologica or Self-help/Therapy. The hilarity of this embarassment I find in that I have no qualms about telling a bunch of strangers on the net about it, but I have yet to tell people I know in real life that I am taking it out of some bizarre sense of shame that I could not do it alone.
I tried the self-help thing for years, it did not work for me. I was not very good at getting myself to do anything about it either. Making a change feels impossible when you do not see the results yourself.
Finally I decided when I was talking with the doc that I was willing to try another means to break this pervasive funk, since I could not do it on my own.

ZerolinK

I just realized this feeling comes during school and stays with me after school, until night time. I'm not sure that it really counts as depression anymore. I'll think about seeing a doctor, but not yet lol.

Chanus

ZerolinK wrote: »

I just realized this feeling comes during school and stays with me after school, until night time. I'm not sure that it really counts as depression anymore. I'll think about seeing a doctor, but not yet lol.

It's depression or at least a case of "the blues", crossed with being a teenage, crossed with a possible mild anxiety disorder.

See a shrink.

Also, to this:

ZerolinK wrote: »

It's hard to feel positive, especially when you know as much as a 20-something year old

You're right not to feel positive, but not for the reason you think. A 20-something-year-old doesn't know shit about life either.

cooljammer00

It's very common for us to think we know shit. That you just have to sort of get over.

darkmayo

yea I had the same thing for a while back in high school, i'm 31 in a month, looking back when I think of how unfun and moody I was I think man, what the fuck was my problem, there was a bunch of genuinely interesting and great people who wanted to get to know me but I blew them off because I was some angsty loner douchebag.

Lighten the fuck up, as someone else said you arent the first person to feel this way and you sure as hell wont be the last.

of course if you have been like this for awhile it could definately be some sort of issue (bi-polar etc) hormones can do some really weird shit to your brain.

ZerolinK

ugh... don't remind me about hormones. I've hated hormones since I entered puberty, I was one of the late bloomers. I think you might be right though, it could just be puberty. When I grow older the chances are really high that I'm gonna think I was an idiot. Until then I am gonna try to lighten up and feel good. I'll do something even though I see no point in it and try to enjoy it so much that I forgot why I even started doing it. It's either that or a shrink.... and the shrink is at the bottom of my list... right above becoming a hermit or a monk lol.

elfdude

This is a very typical problem of people who are too smart for their own good. Generally the only cure is to find something you feel is worth working for, odds are in HS you'll have a very difficult time even imagining what it's like being on your own without help from your parents (I know it was for me).

Check out the absurdist philosophies. They helped me come to grips with my own inability to perform the small steps I had for my goals.

Kill all indecisiveness. Find something you want from your life and bite into it as hard as you can. It's amazing what finally deciding I wanted to become a doctor vs the dozens of other careers I knew I could perform w/ the schooling. i.e. as stupid as it sounds don't keep your options open. Once you start viewing things in terms of what this will accomplish to get me to my goal it's amazing how much motivation you can find. Once you achieve the goal I don't really know as I haven't come there yet :P.

Basically my biggest problem was the fact that at the end of HS literally everything was open to me, being intelligent only complicated it though. I wanted to do something that used my abilities yet I saw the stuff I could do in any field and couldn't decide. On one hand I could become a physicist and do amazing things or an engineer and do just as amazing things. It was confusing and annoying to me to have such broad interests and capacities (learning anything interests me) but at the same time have to perform a task that didn't involve an end goal.

Getting a part time job can help too. I know this sounds like you won't have any free time but believe you me it's very possible to get a part time job and perform perfectly. Instilling that work ethic into yourself with the incentive of money to blow on anything you want (being in hs w/ no bills) is very helpful.

Last advice to you is simply do it. Do it quickly and get it done even if you have to do it badly, look at everything as opportunity to learn more even if you already know it. I ended my senior year with two D's and an F, no college cares if your test scores were the top percentile of the state, they only want to know if you're capable of performing the work.