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Sibling's Engagement
_J_
PedantRegistered User, __BANNED USERS regular
PedantRegistered User, __BANNED USERS regular
So my sibling just called to tell me that she is now engaged. The guy is a self-righteous fuckwit wanttobe lawyer who belittles her and thinks he is god's fucking gift to existence.
My parents are upset. I am upset. And sibling is happy in that "I'm getting married and that can't possibly be a bad thing." sort of way. When I asked her what she thought about it she said, "I could be making the biggest mistake of my life...but it's my life."
DAMN IT.
So does anyone have any advice for how do deal with this? The options I have open to me right now are:
1) Pretend it isn't happening
2) Try not to care
3) Beat the dumbass to death with my shinai
Or if other people have options to suggest that would be ok, too.
Damn it.
My parents are upset. I am upset. And sibling is happy in that "I'm getting married and that can't possibly be a bad thing." sort of way. When I asked her what she thought about it she said, "I could be making the biggest mistake of my life...but it's my life."
DAMN IT.
So does anyone have any advice for how do deal with this? The options I have open to me right now are:
1) Pretend it isn't happening
2) Try not to care
3) Beat the dumbass to death with my shinai
Or if other people have options to suggest that would be ok, too.
Damn it.
_J_ on
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Frankly, what you should do is support her. Telling her she shouldn't be getting married to the guy, calling the guy names, or trying to drive them apart is just going to make her cut herself off from you, and probably get her to be that much more determined to make the marriage work in the face of whatever adversity they may come up against.
This doesn't mean you have to instantly like the guy, or back her up 100% on everything. But fighting her choice is not going to be productive.
I think she knows. But I don't think I can tell her, "You're marrying a fuckwit." because, as you said, that is just going to make her say, "IT'S MY LIFE AND I'M GOING TO LIVE IT AS I WANT in all of her 21 year old glory."
When she called to tell me I pretty much tried to stay neutral. Because I didn't want to tell her that she is making a giant, STUPID mistake but i'm not going to say, "that's awesome!" because it damn well isn't.
So...is it good to try to stay neutral and honest? Ought I fake enthusiasm?
You don't have to express an opinion of the groom. Just tell her that you are happy she is happy and do whatever you can to help with the wedding.
Weddings are pains in the ass like you wouldn't believe. Helping with the arrangements is a way you can be supportive without having to express an opinion.
Why would I help someone make a mistake?
She's going to make the mistake with or without your help.
If things go south it is best if you haven't isolated her from a relationship with you. If she is in for a rough patch, she needs the people who are in her life to be engaged, not alienated.
I believe that the word "compassion" literally breaks down to "to undergo suffering with". It isn't your job to make her decisions. It is your job to have compassion.
So I stand by and support her decision to do something that I think is problematic?
"Look, I'm only going to say this once, because I don't want to be a problem for you. I love you and I'll support you in any decision you make. However, I have to tell you, as your brother, that I think this is the wrong decision. I don't think this man is right for you, and I just want you to be careful."
Then I'd stick by her and never mention it again.
But that's just me, and I'm weird.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Yeah.
I was trying to date this girl in college since freshman year. Junior year we started hanging out a lot and eventually started to date but I always frowned upon her hanging out with other guys who liked her. I didn't trust them. I told her that I would prefer it if she did not hang out with other guys who, I had heard, were also interested in dating her. She didn't like my saying so.
So after we started dating she was invited to a party with a guy from her high school. I decided to try the "compassion" thing and told her that I didn't think she should go but if she did want to go it was fine and she should have fun.
She came back three days later, we drove down to the river, and she told me about how he raped her the night before.
That's where my issue with "compasion" comes from.
Edit: That is to say the whole "support someone when they make decisions with which you do not agree." thing makes me think about the rape. And Mr. Therapist guy told me that it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't my fault. But that's a hard conviction to shake.
My advice? Don't bash the guy, but don't fake enthusiasm, either. Cold politeness got me through the ass-vibes I could feel from my best friend's ex, but when I told her he was a verbally abusive bastard and she could do better with a broken dildo and no lube, guess what? She refused to speak to me for a year, during which I've only recently discovered he did things to her I don't even care to think about. With any luck, your sister's future husband is only going to be a total dick; give her time, support and as much understanding as you can muster in the face of this guy's assholism, and bite your tongue on the "I told you so"s when she finally realizes what a giant goddamn mistake she's made.
Also, OP, I see your paranoia there, but that doesn't change the fact that telling Sis what to do - especially if you're right - will do not a damn thing to change her mind.
That's probably the sensible thing to do.
What do you guys think about the one time sit down? The "I'm your older brother and I love you so I'm going to say what I think and then shut up about it" idea?
If you think you can disuade her, try. Don't go halfway about it.
If you don't think you can disuade her, then I don't see how create a rift between the two of you by trying to talk her out of it or acting like a jerk to her husband is anything other than self indulgent. It ultimately hurts your sister without helping anything.
Yeah.
What do you think about the brotherly advice conversation? Good idea? Bad idea?
Unfortunately, I have been in a similar situation; a dearly beloved cousin of mine just turned up married one day to some guy no-one had ever heard of. Naturally, we wondered what the hell was happening; do you know the term "shotgun wedding"? Then you have a pretty good idea.
Of course, a man who'd get a girl like that is either the great romance of her life and this is jut accelerating the inevitable, or the dude's a total dick. Guess which this was...
So, there am I, about eleven years old and even I can see this guy's a royal fuck-up, but what the hell do you say to that? "Hi, cus, I know we don't see each other much, and I'm not exactly the most relationship savvy person you know, but your husband is scum and treats his new son like something between a pet and the dirt he scraped off his shoe"?
Really, there is no good advice in this situation; really, you can only be supportive and hope for the best. She will eventually figure out what is obvious to you and ditch the guy, just pray (or whatever) that he's just your ordinary inconsiderate macho alpha-male type and not pure concentrated evil.
META EDIT: Also, Feral's idea has some merit, but it entirely depends on how deep in she's gotten...
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Again with the cringe-worthy advice: Probably won't work. As set as she seems to be on making Her Own Decisions, she's probably aware of her family's opinions and is just going to charge ahead with it anyway, and being faced with even the briefest of well-meaning, serious opposition is going to damage your relationship--not in the hippie soap-opera "I can't believe you don't love me!" sense, but in the 21-year-old-making-a-bad-choice "You can't tell me what to do!" sense.
Well, they just got engaged tonight and have been dating for a year (A YEAR!!!!) so right now she has an expensive ring and a year's worth of experience with the guy.
Did I mention that they have known one another for just a year?
Yeah.
I was completely not suspecting the "you can't tell me what to do" response, too. She's never acted that way before.
You know what might work? Try having the brotherly conversation in the mode of asking her questions about how well she has thought this out. Like where will they live, what do they want to do with their lives, how much money do they want to make, how many kids do they want to have, does she have any concerns about her fiance - that kind of thing.
Maybe you can bring some of your concerns up, but have them occur to her instead of suggesting them yourself. A lot of people don't really focus on those kinds of details enough when they are considering marriage, but they should.
If she asks you what she thinks of him. Tell him you don't like him, but that's life and you know that if you tell her not to marry him it will damage your relationship so you aren't going to do it. But tell her also that you want to be happy, and if it involves her marrying this guy then go for it.
Satans..... hints.....
Not a usual thing? Crap. All the more reason not to alienate her: when someone makes her mind up quite that firmly without a solid track record of dumb mistakes, it's gonna take a while to reverse it (unless, say, she starts showing up at family reunions with black eyes, in which case the police get to volunteer an opinion, too).
*rereads advice* Sorry, I don't mean to be Captain DoomnGloom--like I said, shitty situation. I've seen AND experienced it myself, though I was never dumb enough to turn my stubbornness towards marrying an asshole.
When I thought I was going to be engaged I bought a book entitled "10 Great Dates before you say 'I do'." It was of no use because <rant about ex girlfriend> but I gave it to sibling when she told me that they were thinking about getting engaged.
So I think she blew that attempt at advice off. I'll just see what happens and offer my opinion if the opportunity comes up.
Blarg.
blarg blarg blarg
Thanks for the advice, guys.
Or maybe she'll pull her head out of her ass before then.
Even if she doesn't, that's ok too.
If shithead Mc Fucktard is here on Christmas morning when I'm opening my presents that will be the proverbial straw. I'm not having Christmas with that fuckwit.
:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:
It carries with it the implication that you are not over the moon about it, but remains supportive.
Satans..... hints.....
Seriously, grow up.
Also, when's the date? If it's not for a while, your sister has plenty of time to discover what a tool he is. And, as everyone else has said, it's not your life, so you don't get to make the choices.
I've been there too...I watched one of my best friends on the face of the earth get engaged to (and then subsequently break up with) a guy who is a douchebag to the nth degree. But just because I would rather have cut off my leg than see her get married to him doesn't mean I got to tell her that he was a douche; I saved that for after they broke up.
Seriously, just count yourself lucky he isn't some televangelist or unemployable perpetual-child.
No one ever said you had to like him. Just ignore the fuck out of him. Passive-aggressive, of course, but it beats having to pretend you enjoy his company, and it'll piss him off even more than cursing him out in front of everyone. (The sweet relief would not be worth the points AssMunch scored against you, to be cashed in at your sister's "They're all against us!" table, not to mention her stress at having to play peacemaker--sounds like she'll be busy enough in that department.)
Seriously? I think Than is being a little dramatic, but then, I've a family of reasonable, intelligent people who know that we dislike some potential in-laws for very good reasons. Welcome to a dilemma everyone has to put up with sooner or later; whether it's a friend of a friend no one likes or a relative you hate, there's no way to get rid of some people without fucking everything up. For now at least, it boils down to AssMunch + Sister, or neither of them. Choose maturely.