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Roommate Won't Leave

oldsakoldsak Registered User regular
edited September 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
So you might recall, a while ago I was trying to decide whether my girlfriend and I should get a new place together or move in to her current place as her roommate couldn't afford it on her own and wanted to find her own place.

Well we decided to keep my girlfriend's place as we really like the apartment, we like the neighborhood, and practically all the furniture is hers (so it'd be a huge pain to move). I moved in at the beginning of August and the understanding with the current roommate is that she was going to inform the landlord September 1st that she would be leaving by October 1st.

We really would have preferred not to live with her that long, but we accepted it. It went well at first. She was actively looking at places to buy (with considerable help from her father and grandmother). Then she decided she couldn't afford anything she liked because if she bought a place she wouldn't have any "fun money." She started looking at rentals, though I'm not sure how vigorously.

The girlfriend and I went away for the weekend. We came back, started unpacking, and when I'm not in the room she tells my girlfriend "oh, I can't move out when I said I could because I had to buy a new computer." I'm skeptical as explained below:
Her laptop is 4 years old, so on the older side, but she only uses it for web browsing. Having worked in IT, I asked her what was going on with her old computer. She said "I dunno I think it's out of space."
I explained that's not really an issue that can't be fixed.
She said "well whatever, I need a new one"
My conclusion: Her brother recently got a new Macbook so now she wants one too.

So now, my girlfriend is really stressed. We've already explained to her that we want to live together as a couple and not with roommates. Personally, I don't want to deal with a roommate while finishing up school. We can't just kick her out as she's on the lease.

Finally to make matters slightly messier the roommate is an old family friend. I've known her since we were toddlers. Our mothers have been bff's since middle school. She introduced me to my girlfriend.

I don't really know what to do about the situation except start looking at the classifieds for apartments again.


tldr; Moved in with girlfriend and her roommate who said she'd be out by Oct 1st. Roommate "had" to buy a new Macbook and cannot afford to move out.

Help?

oldsak on

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    dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    oldsak wrote: »
    So you might recall, a while ago I was trying to decide whether my girlfriend and I should get a new place together or move in to her current place as her roommate couldn't afford it on her own and wanted to find her own place.

    Well we decided to keep my girlfriend's place as we really like the apartment, we like the neighborhood, and practically all the furniture is hers (so it'd be a huge pain to move). I moved in at the beginning of August and the understanding with the current roommate is that she was going to inform the landlord September 1st that she would be leaving by October 1st.

    We really would have preferred not to live with her that long, but we accepted it. It went well at first. She was actively looking at places to buy (with considerable help from her father and grandmother). Then she decided she couldn't afford anything she liked because if she bought a place she wouldn't have any "fun money." She started looking at rentals, though I'm not sure how vigorously.

    The girlfriend and I went away for the weekend. We came back, started unpacking, and when I'm not in the room she tells my girlfriend "oh, I can't move out when I said I could because I had to buy a new computer." I'm skeptical as explained below:
    Her laptop is 4 years old, so on the older side, but she only uses it for web browsing. Having worked in IT, I asked her what was going on with her old computer. She said "I dunno I think it's out of space."
    I explained that's not really an issue that can't be fixed.
    She said "well whatever, I need a new one"
    My conclusion: Her brother recently got a new Macbook so now she wants one too.

    So now, my girlfriend is really stressed. We've already explained to her that we want to live together as a couple and not with roommates. Personally, I don't want to deal with a roommate while finishing up school. We can't just kick her out as she's on the lease.

    Finally to make matters slightly messier the roommate is an old family friend. I've known her since we were toddlers. Our mothers have been bff's since middle school. She introduced me to my girlfriend.

    I don't really know what to do about the situation except start looking at the classifieds for apartments again.


    tldr; Moved in with girlfriend and her roommate who said she'd be out by Oct 1st. Roommate "had" to buy a new Macbook and cannot afford to move out.

    Help?

    Well, I'd say there are worse things than having a roomate that is a friend.I guess it depends on how much time you all spend at the place, though. If you really want to solve this you'll have to break the lease and I think that's way more trouble than you need.

    As long as she's paying her bills and stuff, I don't really see the point in wanting it to just be "the two of you". If it's an issue of privacy or something, fair enough. How many bedrooms/bathrooms are there?

    dispatch.o on
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    Jebus314Jebus314 Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Honestly I think step #1 in scenarios like this has to be, go to the person in question. Go to the roommate and lay out the situation. No need to be mean, just tell her that you don't want a roommate, that she can stay while she looks for a place, but you would appreciate it if she started looking now. Also, you might see if your apartment complex has other openings coming available so that you can inform the roommate that whatever she wants to do you and your g/f plan on living alone soon.

    edit- so i missed the part where you said you already told her you didn't want a roommate. Why not try telling her that if she doesn't move out, that the two of you are considering it instead. Basically I would just keep stressing to the roommate how much you would rather live alone. It seems like there is some friendliness there, so if you make a point of constantly bringing up the fact that would like her to move out she will hopefully take the hint.

    Jebus314 on
    "The world is a mess, and I just need to rule it" - Dr Horrible
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    MushroomStickMushroomStick Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    When's the lease up?

    MushroomStick on
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    oldsakoldsak Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    The lease is up, they're essentially on a month to month now.

    oldsak on
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    KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    So why do you guys get to kick her out? If both are on the lease, and you guys are the one wanting privacy, shouldn't you two get your own place?

    Kyougu on
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    DeebaserDeebaser on my way to work in a suit and a tie Ahhhh...come on fucking guyRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    oldsak wrote: »
    The lease is up, they're essentially on a month to month now.

    move out

    Deebaser on
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    oldsakoldsak Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Kyougu wrote: »
    So why do you guys get to kick her out? If both are on the lease, and you guys are the one wanting privacy, shouldn't you two get your own place?

    Yes, and we were initially looking for our own place instead of taking this one over, but, because she wouldn't be able to afford the current place if we left, she offered to find a new place and let us take this one over.

    If she hadn't said she was going to move out, we would've found a place of our own to begin with and be living there now.

    Right now, it seems the only option on the table if she doesn't have any realistic timeline to move out is to go ahead and find a place of our own.

    Even then, she'll probably feel shafted because we'll have left her in a bit of a financial bind that she's entirely responsible for.

    oldsak on
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    Robos A Go GoRobos A Go Go Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Yeah, find another place to live, tell the roommate that you're moving there if she doesn't move out, then wait for her to move out because I doubt she's going to go through the trouble of finding two roommates.

    And if she does, just move.

    Robos A Go Go on
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    ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Start looking for a new place for you and your gf while repeatedly (but not obnoxiously) mention your status to the room mate so she knows you are actually moving. If she can't afford the place on her own, well, she needs to move no matter what.

    Improvolone on
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    tardcoretardcore Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Yeah, just tell the roommate that you are moving since she isn't moving and find out her reaction/what she has to say about it.

    tardcore on
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    Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    I think you need to tell her that while you don't have anything against her, you and your girlfriend want to take the next stage in your relationship which is living alone. Tell her that it has nothing to do with how good a friend she is but this is what is going to happen.

    Then say that you are moving out of the place.

    Blake T on
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    MurphysParadoxMurphysParadox Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Make sure to state, in the most straight forward and unambiguous ways, that she needs to stop living there. For example "My girlfriend and I no longer want roommates. We no longer want you as a roommate. We will live together, just the pair of us, either here without you or we will be forced to move out and find a new place leaving you responsible for this apartment. While you are a good friend, I'm not sleeping with you and I want to start walking around the apartment naked and having wild improptu sexual events in the more public living areas such as the kitchen so you need to get lost"

    The last (run-on) sentence is optional.

    Depending on your mom, she may also offer some insight in the best way to deal with this friend. Your mom has known the girl as long as you have and may have a different idea on the best approach. Of course, this may backfire depending on how your mom would handle such situations (I suggest because my own mother is very discrete and good with advice, but I also know that this isn't true for all mothers).

    MurphysParadox on
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    LurkLurk Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    I don't know why people are suggesting to be overly mean to their unwanted roommate or are suggesting to move out. If they move somewhere else, they will still have the problem of leaving the roommate in a bad position and would have to pay the extra costs in regards to moving....

    Talking to your mom could be a good idea. Another point a view from someone who knew this girl for a while could help out a lot.

    Lurk on
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    PowerpuppiesPowerpuppies drinking coffee in the mountain cabinRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Your living situation is something you have to deal with every day, often at the end of the day when you're out of energy and just want to relax. So it's almost always worth solving any roommate or housing problem immediately, no matter how annoying it is in the short term. There's not a lot of room to maneuver here, the only reasonable thing to do is present the situation to your roommate, and give her a date by which the two of you will be shooting to move out if she is not gone (Oct 1 or Nov 1 probably). Her reaction will tell you whether you should start looking for a new place (you should probably do this anyway) or if she will get off her rear and move out.

    Powerpuppies on
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    ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    I mean, there's not really anything we can tell you.

    You either need to confront her over this, move out yourselves, or live with her. There aren't really any other options, there, all three choices have downsides, and really, without knowing the nuances of your particular situation, it's going to be difficult for us to tell you which is the best one to go with.

    Thanatos on
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    oldsakoldsak Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Your living situation is something you have to deal with every day, often at the end of the day when you're out of energy and just want to relax. So it's almost always worth solving any roommate or housing problem immediately, no matter how annoying it is in the short term. There's not a lot of room to maneuver here, the only reasonable thing to do is present the situation to your roommate, and give her a date by which the two of you will be shooting to move out if she is not gone (Oct 1 or Nov 1 probably). Her reaction will tell you whether you should start looking for a new place (you should probably do this anyway) or if she will get off her rear and move out.

    Yeah, I know if I wait and see the chances of this turning into a permanent living situation only go up, and that is something I want to avoid.

    I don't want leave her in a tough position, but it's a position she kind of put herself in, especially considering she didn't act on her family's offer to help her buy a place.

    I really wish she would've discussed her change in plans with both myself and my girlfriend instead of catching my girlfriend off guard. It would have been easier to deal with up front, and I have a feeling she went that route because my girlfriend doesn't like confrontation whereas I would've wanted to talk it out right there.

    Anyway I guess there's really nothing for it except to sit her down, and not a lot I can do to make this an easier conversation. I have a feeling she's going to do her best to leave her stay open ended, so the girlfriend and I are going to have to be prepared to have an actual move out date in mind. I'm going to talk with the girlfriend, but since we have to give 30 days notice to the current place, Nov 1st is probably the earliest we can hope for unless some great apartment magically falls into our laps today.

    I doubt talking to the rents will be that useful as far as diffusing the situation, but I'm going to anyway so they hear my side first and not the roommate's side through her parents.

    I pulled up a whole bunch of CL listings for my girlfriend to look over and follow up on tomorrow if she likes them. Moving will be a pain in the ass, but at least by moving we'll be shortening our commute.

    Any thoughts on how I can make it sound like less of an ultimatum when I say "We want to be on our own by November at the latest, so if you don't have plans to move out by October 1st, we're notifying the landlord we're moving out?"

    oldsak on
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    Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Just tell her it's nothing against her as a person, but you two want to live together, by yourself, as such you are looking for a new place.

    Tell her she is welcome to stay at the current place if she can find someone to renew the lease with but you are looking for a new place and will probably be out of there by 1st of November.

    Blake T on
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    MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Catch her in a good mood, talk to her about when she thinks she can reasonably move out. Offer to help where you can eg, finding a suitable date, maybe timing it on a weekend you can help her move stuff? Either way, put the details on paper and both of you sign it. Then it's up to her. You want to be a good person, you casually remind her and encourage her to find another place. Otherwise, you can leave it and forget it and come that date, you have a written contract that says she better be outta there. Then things go down a different route.

    At that point I believe it depends on local laws, and I won't pretend to know them.

    MetroidZoid on
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    Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    If you all are currently month to month, you could potentially play a little hardball with the landlord, i.e. 'hey we are willing to sign a new lease for this apartment but would like the roomie to move out.' He has to maintain the building after all, and might tender her 30 days based a lease offer.

    I guess if she is a family friend though, you wouldn't want to do that unless things get really ridiculous.

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
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    DHS OdiumDHS Odium Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    I agree with the suggestions to start looking for a new place, and make sure the roommate knows you're looking for a new place. Just tell her you and your gf want to live alone, and that if she can't move right now, that's ok, that you guys will be the ones to move. Be very nice about this, even though the goal is to get what you want, and you're basically forcing her out.

    DHS Odium on
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    StormCrow420StormCrow420 Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    If she won't leave and her name is on the lease, then you are pretty much stuck looking for another place. After the whole 'new computer' conversation it doesn't look to me like she is in all that much of a hurry to accomodate you.

    I can tell you that I need my living situation to be, if not perfect, as stress free as possible. Twice in my life I've been living with people who clearly didn't want me around and both times I did everything I could to get the hell away from those fucking people as quickly as I could.

    But some roommates don't take the hint. I had a situation where one roommate was making things really difficult for me, and this was a friend. While I didn't have to move out and he didn't want me to move out, he refused to acknowledge the 50 year old coke dealer/prostitute living on our coach and making our small apt. a HAZMAT site, and eventually I had to move out.

    So long story short, you're best option is to move out and secure your own space, as dialogue seems to have failed.

    StormCrow420 on
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    Teslan26Teslan26 Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Yeah, find another place to live, tell the roommate that you're moving there if she doesn't move out, then wait for her to move out because I doubt she's going to go through the trouble of finding two roommates.

    And if she does, just move.

    This

    Teslan26 on
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    ascannerlightlyascannerlightly Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    oldsak wrote:
    Even then, she'll probably feel shafted because we'll have left her in a bit of a financial bind that she's entirely responsible for.
    she agreed she'd move out. she changed her mind because she's materialistic (not to mention flaky, from the sound of it). her fucking problem. especially considering her family was giving her "considerable help" in buying her own place, which she chose to decline.

    ascannerlightly on
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    iMattiMatt Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Kyougu wrote: »
    So why do you guys get to kick her out? If both are on the lease, and you guys are the one wanting privacy, shouldn't you two get your own place?

    This right here! They both took on a lease and now you want to move in she has to bail. Out of order in my opinion. How would your GF like it if her friend had got a fella first and was trying to kick her out. You've moved in with someone that already has a room-mate, if she didn't have one already, fair enough - don't get one, but she does.

    Thank god you haven't started dating a girl that already has a child! "I see you've got a kid. Well I don't want one so tell it to fuck off somewhere"

    iMatt on
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    Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    OP said they were month to month now, not on a lease.

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
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    Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Yeah they would be within their legal rights to go to the owner and ask them to make a new lease with him and his girlfriend only on the lease.

    It would be an absolute dick move though and probably damage the friendship with the girl.

    Blake T on
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    DarksierDarksier Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Provide a warning and move out. You shouldn't have to hold yourselves down because the Unwanted is spending all her cash on macbooks and funtime rather than preparing a buffer to look for new roomies. I could see it differently if she just couldn't afford the rent without all spending.

    Darksier on
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    witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I agree that you and your girlfriend should be the ones to move since the roommate seems unwilling now. Start looking for places. Also, keep in mind that with most leases, giving 30 days notice does not have to be on the 1st of the month, you can give it the same day you find a new place. Also, you can move immediately too, but you will end up paying rent in both places.

    Definitely let the roommate know that this is what you plan to do because this will impact her too and unless she can afford the place on her own, which it didn't sound like she could, she will have to move in the end anyway. This means someone else gets the awesome apartment, but at least you get your privacy.

    witch_ie on
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    MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    iMatt wrote: »
    Kyougu wrote: »
    So why do you guys get to kick her out? If both are on the lease, and you guys are the one wanting privacy, shouldn't you two get your own place?

    This right here! They both took on a lease and now you want to move in she has to bail. Out of order in my opinion. How would your GF like it if her friend had got a fella first and was trying to kick her out. You've moved in with someone that already has a room-mate, if she didn't have one already, fair enough - don't get one, but she does.

    Thank god you haven't started dating a girl that already has a child! "I see you've got a kid. Well I don't want one so tell it to fuck off somewhere"

    This is merit, but they also approached the roommate with the idea of her moving out first, she agreed, then went back on it. So him and his gf aren't totally unreasonable for having expected the house to become all theirs.

    Honestly I think the best way for everyone to get what they want is talking it over, getting something written up and signed that's mutually agreeable for both parties, and still help eachother out. No need to jump to scheming with the landlord and such first.

    MetroidZoid on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Look, they had an agreement with the roommate already -- they already sat down with her and had this conversation. The roommate agreed to move out, so at that point they were all "on the same page."

    The roommate starts to look for new options, with the idea of buying a place. Doesn't have enough money. Then looks to rent, and realizes she'd need a new roommate.

    So rather than say "Hey guys, can we push this back a couple months?" She says "So I decided I'm not going to move out like we talked about. I don't have enough money because I bought a new computer."


    The best thing is, of course, to talk it out -- but you gotta have a plan. Note that she is NOT moving out because she can't afford it. So if the alternative is that you two move out, that puts her in the same problem -- she can have the whole apartment, but she can't afford it.


    In other words, you need to tell her that you two are serious about living together without other roommates, and that if she is not going to move out, then you two are going to move into a new place. Simple as that. Let the roommate make the decision -- is she going to wreck the friendship by making you two move? Or is she going to wreck the friendship by lying about moving out again?

    EggyToast on
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    The LandoStanderThe LandoStander Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I don't know how old you and your GF are but I'm guessing that you're under the age of 30 and over the age of 20. If you're towards the lower end of that spectrum I'll point out that barring any accident or illness you and your GF have a very long time left to enjoy living without roommates, so if waiting a few months while this third wheel of a room mate re-coops the cost of her laptop is the difference between being a dick to someone who up to this point has been a good friend and potentially weakening a larger familial friendship I would just ride things out a little while and enjoy the fact that you're paying less than you would for rent, utilities and other services than you would just the two of you (assuming your roomie chips in of course).

    Talk with the roommate about a savings plan or something along those lines that will allow her to move out at some point. I would hope that she's got enough sense to pick up on the idea that she's not really welcome in the long-term. Ask her about a revised date for her to find a new place, maybe see if other friends are also looking for new places. It's up to you how much effort you want to put into helping this girl find a new place, but I'd recommend that route rather than giving her just a straight ultimatum or abandoning her to a place she can't afford.

    Also, until you get a new lease without her on it then she's going to be hard to just give the boot. If you really want, the next time she talks about moving out, put a little something in writing, not just a sort of spoken agreement. This is of course something that sort of paves the way for options of increasing dickish-ness.

    Still, in this case I would strongly advise patience and well meaning assistance.

    The LandoStander on
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