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Awful Situation in a Good Relationship
Jason Todd
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Registered User regular
My gf and I are currently in a long distance relationship. Have been for a little over a week now, since I started college.
We've been dating for almost 8 months, and we were pretty happy. Now, we seem to fight all the time and the idea of breaking up with her is on my mind more and more. We fight over nothing, stupid little things.
We've come close to breaking up twice now, and I relented both times because I felt so guilty. She's had a really hard life and I don't want to be another horrible thing that happened to her.
The long distance is complicated by the fact that she still lives with her devout Hindu parents. She's supposed to be married off in a few years to someone they arrange, so she's not supposed to date at all, let alone be in a committed relationship. Her parents mean we can't do any of the usual long distance tricks (fall asleep on the phone, web cam, send each other gifts). We can usually talk on the phone for maybe an hour a day if we're lucky, and when we see one another (right now it's looking like I'll go back home every two weeks, for a day or two) it's only going to be for a few hours at at time.
My thoughts are really twisted right now. I love her, but at the same time I'm so tired of missing her and worrying about her (her home situation is not good). The fact that I'm now surrounded by new people and places and things to experience (and new women) is certainly not helping me.
She's talking about trying to transfer next year, but I'm not sure her evil, controlling, abusive father would ever shell out the extra money to send her to my school (likely 5 grand more if she gets as many scholarships as she's hoping to).
I absolutely despise the idea of hurting her and feel like a pathetic little bitch who can't put up with a few hard things for the person he loves. At the same time, I see all this freedom and excitement on the other side of a break up.
What the hell should I do?
We've been dating for almost 8 months, and we were pretty happy. Now, we seem to fight all the time and the idea of breaking up with her is on my mind more and more. We fight over nothing, stupid little things.
We've come close to breaking up twice now, and I relented both times because I felt so guilty. She's had a really hard life and I don't want to be another horrible thing that happened to her.
The long distance is complicated by the fact that she still lives with her devout Hindu parents. She's supposed to be married off in a few years to someone they arrange, so she's not supposed to date at all, let alone be in a committed relationship. Her parents mean we can't do any of the usual long distance tricks (fall asleep on the phone, web cam, send each other gifts). We can usually talk on the phone for maybe an hour a day if we're lucky, and when we see one another (right now it's looking like I'll go back home every two weeks, for a day or two) it's only going to be for a few hours at at time.
My thoughts are really twisted right now. I love her, but at the same time I'm so tired of missing her and worrying about her (her home situation is not good). The fact that I'm now surrounded by new people and places and things to experience (and new women) is certainly not helping me.
She's talking about trying to transfer next year, but I'm not sure her evil, controlling, abusive father would ever shell out the extra money to send her to my school (likely 5 grand more if she gets as many scholarships as she's hoping to).
I absolutely despise the idea of hurting her and feel like a pathetic little bitch who can't put up with a few hard things for the person he loves. At the same time, I see all this freedom and excitement on the other side of a break up.
What the hell should I do?
Jason Todd on
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It sucks, and you're going to feel guilty about it even though there's no rational reason for you to feel guitly about it. It's going to suck for her too.
But the situation she is in is your reality. It's not something you can control, and it's going to be a huge hindrance to the health of your relationship.
More importantly, you just started college. You are young. You only dated her for 8 months. You can stay with her and hope it will work out, but you will always wonder what you are missing, and rightfully so. Most people don't know themselves that well when they are a freshman in college, and thus they don't really know what's right for them in a relationship. It's not fair, to yourself or to her, for you to make this sort of commitment as if you do.
On the guilt: try to realize that you probably have a white knight complex. You are not the guardian of this girl's well-being. Again, I doubt there's anything anyone can say to make you not feel guilty (I speak from experience as a fellow white knight)—just try to look at it from a rational perspective.
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I don't see that in the brief outline you posted. Things are getting worse, her parents will make a future for you two difficult, and she might transfer in a year (despite the fact that you've been fighting for the past/first week.
While it's fine for you to look out for her well being, don't forget that you should look out for yours, as well. Are you with her because she's had a hard life and you like making her happy, or because she's your soulmate and you two always cheer each other up?
See, she shouldn't have to be forced into anything, especially a marriage. It seems she isn't as devout as her parents are, so she doesn't have to go along with it. She has to realize that she getting cut off from her parents financially is worth it if she doesn't want to go along with what they have planned for her. You can't stick up for her here, it's up to her. The more you try to get involved the more you get tied up in something that isn't your responsibility and then it drags you down as well.
Now, don't tell her "I think you should get away from your parents, they control you too much," as that makes it about you. Just tell her she's at that age she can free herself from them and she has to decide for herself whether to leave or not.
This thread is not about convincing her to leave her parents. She has no way of financing her schooling without her parents, and regardless of leaving them she isn't going to be going along with their plans for her.
I would posit that you don't have to be in a relationship with her to do this. If she really is trying to get away from her parent's wishes for her to have an arranged marriage (or whatever) she's probably going to get disowned, in which case she'll need a support network.
Be forewarned, though, that situations like this can get very, very ugly, perhaps uglier than you'd imagine. It's a genuinely noble wish, but shit like this can get bad depending on what sort of people her parents are.
It shouldn't be about convincing her, it's about her realizing she has a choice to make about what she wants to do regarding her parents, and you can't let yourself get caught up in it, which is exactly what you are letting yourself do.
If she isn't going to go along with their plans for her then why hide your relationship in the first place? That is part of what is making your relationship so difficult. You can't even talk to her for long because she can't even be dating, according to her parents.
And she sure can finance her schooling without her parents. It would be hard, of course, but it can be done. If they are as bad as you wrote, there comes a point where being dependent on them because they're footing some money for college just isn't worth it if they put you through all this other crap.
What do you mean you went through the exact same situation? I'm unique! What about that guy?
Wait, seriously? He went through the exact same thing too? What about him? Him too? The majority of you on this board have identical stories?! But no, this is different, because she's had a bad life and I'm playing White Knight to protect h-- oh, that's par for the course too?
What about the domineering parents? Really? I've just gone through the most typical and common relationship known to mankind bar none?
Yep. The advice you're likely to get here won't be the most sympathetic because it's just such a routine by now. Exact same story. Exact same advice. And it's always right. Why? Because white knight relationships are absolutely unhealthy. Because when you enter a new environment, age, and experience new things you get a better feel for who you are and you don't just date whichever of the very limited number of females in your high school is a "good match".
Maybe not all the facts are identical to the typical stories that come through here, but I'm guessing it fits the general archetype. Moral of the story is dump the girl, you'll be sad, and then sometime much later you'll be eternally grateful that you did because you met someone new with whom you have a much better relationship and suddenly you won't even be able to figure out why you thought ending your White Knight high-school relationship was even remotely debatable or stressful.
Do not even hold out hope that she will. Honestly, if she had hippie parents and visited you all the time, most of us would still probably be giving you advice to break up with her—especially in light of your "new people and places and things to experience (and new women)" comment. Going into college in a long distance relationship is usually a bad idea in general, regardless of whether or not the girl has a troubled life.
The fact that she does have a troubled life—and you fancy yourself as her savior and responsible for her happiness—is another reason you should break up with her, because that's not healthy. Only she can make her life better for herself.
Also...
If only there was some sort of loan she could get, perhaps one just for students.
Not to dive off-topic, but in this economy it's pretty goddamn hard to get private student loans without a cosigner, and stafford is hard capped way too low.
I wasn't able to get my own private loan until I hit grad school. For undergrad I needed a cosigner because while I was working full-time I didn't make enough to qualify for the loan alone.
I bolded most of the red flags. First of all, LDR are hard to get through. I'm not saying it can't be done, because i've seen it done (and quite successfully), but with everything else posted in the OP, I'm saying right now... break up with her.
Think about it, you guys are fighting about everything in just a week. A semester is several months long. Would you be able to handle the fighting and limited contact? Break up with her.
Now, you relented on the breakups because you felt guilty.. because she has a somewhat shitty living situation. it doesn't seem like you did it because you love her, or because you really DO want to stay together... you did it out of pity, which is the worst thing. I'd be more upset if someone stayed with me out of guilt/pitty than if they just broke up with me. .... again, save her even more hearttbreak, and end the relationship.
You're in college now, surrounded by different people. You'll experience new things, and change. You'll experience new people.... and change. Your relationship, if you two stay together, will absolutely change, because with those experiences, you'll be different. You're young, you're now in college surrounded by new things, new people, and new experiences. You're in a relationship you don't really wanna be in at the time, it seems. (I'm not saying you don't love her, by any means. I'm just pointing out the fact that it seems like you want to experience new things, and live life, and all the fighting and lack of communication is bringing you down.) Experiment.... the relationship isn't working out. Don't waste HER time by staying in a relationship you're not sure of or 100% committed to.
Break up with her.
(sorry if this is sort of jumbled. I just woke up)
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This does seem pretty textbook, but clearly, breakup with her and tell her to stand up to her parents isn't the advise the OP wants to hear. That being the case, the only other option is the OP having a man to man talk with the father saying that he loves the guy's daughter and he wants her in his life. If you are going to be the white knight than go be it.
Right now these people are supporting the OPs GF, and unless they are abusive to the point of violating the law, not just old world strict, and unless the OP is prepared to take over as provider for this girl, the OP needs to heed the advice given by everyone else here.
I sympathize with your situation bro, I lost a girl once due to cultural/religous fundamentalism. Don't let it poison you against different belief structures however, they have validity whether you see it or not.
I must stress that it is not a good idea to EVER get back together with this girl because it sounds like shit is not going to get any less complicated as her life progresses. If you feel guilty about it, as I'm sure most guys would initially, DO NOT relent and get back with her or any of this "white knight" stuff that folks have been raving about.
My wife and I started a long distance thing in college (we hadn't known eachother prior) and it was hard as Hell, and that was with her parents and friends thinking I was the bee's bloody knees. I'm not going to say you need to start sleeping around as much as you can in college but certainly keep an eye out for someone new whom you enjoy being around. I think statistics still show that most people who go to college meet their future spouse in college.
My friend dated a Hindu guy for 4 years, straight through college.
His parents just arranged-marriaged him out of the blue a week ago, ending their relationship.
When school ended that first semester I got back home and we broke up. First time I had ever broken up with anybody and it sucked. She had found another guy during that semester and I couldn't blame her for that. After the summer I went back to school and proceeded to forget about her after realizing that there were a ton of cool chicks where I was. It happens but in the long run I was better off breaking up.
Long distance relationships are hard work. You have to both really want it, you have to really believe in it.
It sounds like you already know what you need to do anyway.
I realize you don't know me, but I can vouch for at least one long distance freshman relationship that worked. 10 years into the relationship, 3 happy years into the marriage.
The trick is you both have to want it more than anything else. More than convenience, more than money, more than a comfortable lifestyle, more than family, more than regular friendship. It doesn't sound like the OP is in that situation, though, so I throw in my vote for a breakup.
Sorry, OP.
Edit (re previous post): We're not religiously devout, either.
So I agree that it can work. But as I said, I don't think most people know themselves as seniors in high school. And I don't think 8 months of a high school relationship is enough to forge a commitment that could well ruin both people's college experiences for the next few years. Maybe you lucked out, Delz, but considering how many high school relationships fail when they become long distance college relationships—both from my own circle of friends and everyone else attesting on here—I'd say you're the exception to the rule.
We broke up yesterday. I feel like shit, but I think I did the right thing.
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